Out of the Shallows

  I could hear Claudia and Beck laughing but I managed to stay in the game as the woman apparently snapped something at her partner. “Don’t remind me. I had to get a cream for the itch you brought back.”

  The older man peered up from his newspaper and Jake said in his stead, “I’d treasure that memory. It’s the most daring thing that ever happened to you.”

  I choked on a chuckle and replied as the woman tapped a hand on the newspaper. “That’s it. You better start looking in the classifieds for your own place.”

  The man didn’t say anything, but he took a bite of omelet as he looked at the woman. He started to speak and Jake answered with, “I think you’ll find it’s my name on the deed to the house.”

  The woman leaned over the table to him and I said, “If I left, you wouldn’t know what hit you. Do you think just anybody would wash out your skid marks and deal with the glasses of false teeth you leave lying around?”

  “Ugh,” Claudia giggled.

  “Me? You think I’m hard to live with?” Jake replied. “What about all those ceramic owls you got lying around the whole house? I can’t move an inch without walking into a damn ceramic owl. And don’t get me started on the pot pourri.”

  I shot a look at Jake and mouthed, “Pot pourri?”

  He grinned.

  Looking back at the couple, I watched as the woman dug into her breakfast but continued to speak to the man. “If I didn’t have pot pourri everywhere, the house would smell of cigars and feet.”

  “Don’t start in on me about my cigars, woman,” Jake snapped as the man waved his fork at his wife. It really did look like they were arguing about something. “My cigars mask the smell of that damn pot pourri and chicken. Don’t you know how to cook anything else?”

  “How about arsenic and apple pie?” I answered in mock anger.

  The two didn’t say anything for a few seconds and then the man patted his wife’s hand and she gave him a small smile.

  “I can deal with the pot pourri and chicken if you can deal with my cigars and teeth,” Jake said quietly.

  As the woman nodded and replied, I said, “Sure. And tonight… I’ll let you leave the light on.”

  “Aw, sweetheart, that’s real nice of you but I think we’d both get on better with the light off.”

  Our eyes met at that, Jake’s twinkling with laughter, and I found myself giving into that laughter, feeling it for the first time in as long as I could remember. By the time the food arrived, the tension between us had eased and we dug into our food, our foursome joking and chatting about meaningless things and enjoying the peace of the momentary distraction from all the meaningful things.

  I tried not to meet Claudia’s smug, satisfied gaze.

  The drive from Des Moines to Lincoln, Nebraska, was about three hours, give or take. The light chitchat from the restaurant carried over and the hours seemed to pass faster now that Jake and I could talk without stumbling over the big stuff.

  We found a cheap motel in Lincoln just off the I-80. We got two rooms and Jake said he was taking a nap before dinner. Claudia and I had just dumped our things in the room when she turned to me.

  “I’d like some time alone with Beck. Will you be okay on your own?”

  I studied her a moment, trying to understand what was going on. Finally, I said, “Of course I’ll be fine. But I’ve got to ask—”

  “I don’t know,” she cut me off abruptly, throwing her hands up in the air. Her beautiful eyes shimmered with emotion. “I really don’t know. All I know is that I’m the one person who can lift Beck’s mood. I’m the one person he can talk to about anything… and these last few weeks…” Her expression seemed to plead with me. “Charley, he’s letting me in. For the first time I really feel like he’s letting me all the way in. And life’s too short, right? We both know that.”

  It wasn’t that I wasn’t happy for her. I truly believed she and Beck were meant for one another. But I also believed that there was a time for everything and I wanted to make sure she was doing this for the right reasons, and that she was ready for it. “And everything from before… the reason you decided to walk away from him for good. You’ve worked all that out?”

  Claudia blew air out between her lips, looking a little lost. “If I’m honest, no. But I’m starting to wonder if I go on the way I am, I’ll always find an excuse not to trust someone. If I don’t see where this is leading, if I don’t try, I’ll regret it.”

  “And Will?” I said, reminding her of the TA.

  She looked a little ashamed as she said, “I broke that off a few days after Beck’s dad passed.”

  I raised an eyebrow. “You kept that quiet.”

  “I knew if I told you, you’d make assumptions about what’s going on between me and Beck.”

  “Assumptions that would turn out to be right.”

  “Charley, you wanted me to see Beck in this light for a long time. I need you to support me in whatever happens here.”

  “I do.” I pulled her in for a hug. “I always will. But Beck is going through this huge emotional upset right now and I just don’t want you to get chewed up in it.”

  Claudia held me tight. “He wanted to try something serious with me before his dad died, remember?”

  “Yes. It’s the only thing stopping me from grabbing your hand and running a million miles away from him while he’s going through what he’s going through.” I stepped back and gave her a small smile. “I’m here no matter what. Why don’t I go check out the bar while you guys talk?”

  She smiled gratefully. “You wouldn’t mind?”

  “Not at all.”

  I left my friend to it and made my way across the lot to the on-site restaurant and bar, my mind on Claudia and Beck. I did want it to work out for them, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t terrified for Claudia. She’d been disappointed by so many people who were supposed to love her. I didn’t know if she could take any more disappointment, and I was only ninety percent sure that Beck would remember everything she’d gone through and treat her carefully while he dealt with his own demons.

  Totally lost in thought, I’d only taken two steps inside the almost empty bar when my feet faltered. A blond woman sat in profile at the bar.

  “Andie?” I whispered in disbelief.

  My heart slammed so hard I thought it was going to launch itself out of my chest. Sweat slickened my palms as my body froze to the spot.

  Then just like that, the blond turned to smile at the bartender.

  It wasn’t Andie.

  Of course it wasn’t.

  How could it be?

  Tears pricked my eyes and I stubbornly shoved them back as I marched up to the bar and slid into a stool.

  “I’m going to need to see some ID.” The middle-aged bartender smiled kindly at me. He was tall, broad-shouldered, and he looked like he could handle himself. He also looked like he wasn’t born yesterday. Thank God I was twenty-one now.

  I gave him my ID and he slid it back to me. “What can I get you?”

  I glanced down the bar at the woman I’d mistaken for my sister. “I’ll have a scotch on the rocks.”

  He seemed bemused by my choice but didn’t question it. “Any brand in particular?”

  “Surprise me,” I muttered.

  He grinned and set about making my drink.

  After a half hour of nursing it, the bartender approached. Sensing him hovering, I looked up.

  He shrugged. “Sorry, I’ve got to ask.”

  “Ask what?” I sipped at the last of my drink.

  “Why a pretty twenty-one-year-old is drinking scotch in my bar while looking like the world just ended.”

  I stared at this curious stranger, this person who had no ties to me, no previous dealings with me, and thus no understanding or expectations of me, either. And I found myself replying, “I miss my sister.”

  His eyes softened and he leaned on the bar. “That’s rough.”

  “Have you got family?”

  “Two brot
hers in Colorado. They got wives and a whole bunch of kids. I don’t see them much.”

  “Do you miss them?”

  “Sure, I do.”

  “You should really visit them while you can,” I offered sagely.

  His grin was sad. “We had a falling-out a couple of years back. Things haven’t been the same since.”

  Emotion clogged my throat. I took my time choking it down. “You’d think that would be all the more reason, but sometimes it’s like you get frozen, like you can’t move or make a decision either way. Is that how you feel?”

  He nodded, eyes filled with understanding. “Yeah, that’s how I feel.”

  “Do you think you’ll ever get past it?”

  “I expect I might. One day.”

  “What do you think will make you do it? Make you go see them?” I desperately wanted to know.

  “I don’t know.” He stood up, contemplating me. “Maybe a sad, pretty girl telling me I should do it while I still can might do the trick.”

  I finished my drink and offered him a wry, melancholic smile. “Maybe.”

  After Claudia had broken down over Dustin’s callous rejection, Jake called Beck to let him know what had occurred and he’d hurried back to the hotel.

  Something happened, though. When Beck got there, he tried to hug Claudia but she didn’t embrace him in return and wriggled out of his hold like she didn’t want him to touch her. He attempted to talk to her¸ but she cut him off, barely acknowledging his presence while they booked tickets out of Barcelona.

  The entire way to the airport, Claud gave Beck the coldest shoulder, even snapping at him when he tried to help with her luggage. She’d been adamant that I sit next to her on the plane.

  Beck was stunned and clearly hurt.

  I gave it twenty minutes before I plucked up the nerve to ask. “What was that all about?”

  “What?” she asked flatly.

  “Beck.”

  Claudia shot me a sharp look. “I’m done, Charley. I’m done being made a fool of by men who pretend to care. Dustin doesn’t want me in his life, fine. Guess what? I don’t want Beck in mine. I’ve spent the last six months trying to convince myself that he didn’t break my heart. But he did. He hurts me all the time and doesn’t even care. He’s selfish and cruel and I hate him.”

  I knew my friend, and I knew that what she’d said wasn’t her. I was convinced she was projecting what she felt about Dustin onto Beck. “You don’t mean that.”

  The coldness in her eyes shocked me. “Yes. I do.”

  “Claudia…” I reached for her hand. “What exactly did Dustin say?”

  Pain etched itself into her features. “When I got to his apartment, I knew something wasn’t right. He was nervous and jumpy and wouldn’t meet my gaze. Then Pedra showed up.”

  Renewed anger flooded me. “He said it in front of her?”

  She nodded unhappily. “He told me we needed to talk and I sat down across from them and he told me that his life is his art and that he didn’t have time for distractions. He said he’d never had to be responsible for anyone other than himself and at almost fifty years old, he knew it was too late to change that. And then he said that he thought I was a lovely young woman, but he’d rather not keep in contact because he felt it would be too confusing for both of us.”

  “He’s a dick,” I said.

  Claudia looked at me with a renewal of unshed tears in her eyes. “Why was he so excited and cool to begin with, Charley? He made plans with me for the future and then he just… why did he do that? I wish he’d never emailed me back. It would’ve hurt less. It’s like… he got to know me and decided he wanted nothing to do with me.”

  “No.” I grasped her hand tighter in mine. “No, that’s not why.” I leaned closer so I had all her focus. “Dustin Tweedie is a mercurial, selfish, self-absorbed artist, Claudia. You were something new to play with for a while, like a new muse… and it suddenly occurred to him that you weren’t just any muse. You were a person who would demand more from him… and unfortunately, I get the feeling he’s limited. He didn’t have anything more to give you. And that’s about him. Not you.”

  The tears slipped silently down her cheeks as she nodded. “I love you,” she whispered.

  I leaned my forehead against hers, fighting my own tears. “I love you too. You’re my family.”

  After a while, Claudia settled her head on my shoulder and the emotional exhaustion of the day pulled her into unconsciousness.

  I’d known as I sat there beside her that I would have to work hard over the coming weeks to remind her that she had family, a family she’d made. I didn’t want to lose Claudia to bitterness and rejection.

  I wouldn’t let that happen.

  When we landed, unfortunately, Claudia wasn’t lying when she said she was done with Beck. Her attitude toward him didn’t sway from ice queen, and a dejected Beck was silent all the way back to our apartments.

  Once we got out of the cabs, Jake helped Claudia up the stairs with our luggage and Beck held me back a minute. He had a panicked look in his eyes that unsettled me. “I fucked up, waiting around too long. She’s pissed off at the men in her life and I happen to be one of them.” He pleaded with me with his eyes. “She’ll come around, though, right?” he asked softly.

  “Right.” I nodded, hoping my reassurances meant something. “She just needs time.”

  He looked up at the apartment. “Maybe she shouldn’t be alone tonight. You know, she’ll just dwell. Bring her to Milk. Everyone will be there.”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Try.”

  “Okay,” I agreed and patted him on the shoulder, pretty sure Claudia and I weren’t going anywhere tonight.

  I was only half right. Although Claudia stubbornly refused to remove herself from her bed, she practically screamed at me to go out. I finally cottoned on that she genuinely wanted to be left alone and I ventured out to Milk.

  I felt bad leaving her behind, but I knew that if I were in her shoes, I’d probably want to be left alone too. Eventually as the days wore on, Claudia rejoined the world of the living. Jake and I spent a lot of time cajoling her into hanging out with us—even if it meant dodging the studying we were supposed to be doing for our upcoming exams and instead taking day trips to Glasgow or St. Andrews.

  And then we convinced her to come hang out with everyone the night before the first of our exams.

  “All right.” Denver turned to Rowena with a cocky smile. “What, or should I say whom, are you going to miss most?”

  Music played softly in the background of the restaurant on Nicholson Street. We gathered around a large corner table, chatting and drinking after a great meal. Merriment mingled with melancholy. We seemed to have collectively agreed that this might be one of the last nights we all hung out together.

  Rowena pretended to muse over the question.

  “Oh, come on.” Matt winked at her. “We all know the answer, and it’s in my lap.”

  “Whit?” Rowena raised an eyebrow at him. “Chlamydia?”

  We laughed and Matt heaved an exasperated sigh, his eyes begging us not to mock him tonight.

  “You walked into that one. You’ll find no sympathy here,” Claudia teased.

  “Seriously, seriously,” Rowena drew our focus back to her, “I honestly think ah will miss Matt’s atrocious social skills.”

  “Thank you!” he said, raising his pint like he’d just been validated.

  She snorted and then looked at Jake and me sitting together. “Ah’ll miss the Jake-and-Charley saga. Better than any romance novel.” She lifted her glass to us. “Cheers for the angst, guys.”

  I laughed, only somewhat embarrassed that our relationship ups and downs had played out for our friends over the year.

  “And,” she smiled, a genuine, almost sad smile now, “ah will miss ma favorite band, The Stolen. Ah wish ye loads eh success, guys. Ye so deserve it.”

  “Oh man,” Denver pulled her into his side, “she had to
go get all mushy on me. I think I might cry.”

  “Shut up.” She pushed at him playfully but stopped struggling when he tugged her close for a long hug.

  I felt a little weepy and when I looked over at Claudia, she was wiping tears from the corner of her eyes. She saw me looking and grimaced. “What?” she huffed. “I’m a girl. Sue me.”

  “Well, I would say no one would have a chance at suing you with your upcoming fancy law degree,” Lowe nudged her arm with his, smirking, “but it’s not final until you take the LSATs.”

  Claudia rolled her eyes. “Don’t remind me. Just let me get through these exams first.” She grinned at me and I was relieved to see the smile was genuine.

  This past year had changed my best friend perhaps even more than it had changed me. Although I watched her go through heartbreak, I also watched her come out the other side stronger than before. Claudia started college with me not knowing who she was or what she wanted out of life. I guess… she still wasn’t sure about that. She was still looking. But… she definitely knew what she didn’t want. She didn’t want to be second best and she didn’t know if she wanted to be a lawyer, but she was going to try her hand at it until she found her answer.

  Beck was a different story.

  While my relationship with Jake had only grown stronger over the last few weeks, my trust in him deepening now that I knew we were facing things together, Claudia and Beck’s friendship disintegrated. I knew from speaking to Jake that Beck tried to be patient and wait out Claudia’s mourning period over the loss of yet another parental figure, but as the days passed and her bitchiness toward him did not soften, Beck’s hurt turned into anger.

  Since Claudia’s friendship with Lowe hadn’t changed, it was impossible for Beck and Claud to avoid one another. So now their interactions were antagonistic and a far cry from where they’d started out. Claudia had agreed to go on tour with The Stolen this summer as their manager, so I had no idea how that would work out for them. I had my fingers and toes crossed that somehow, a miracle would happen and they’d both pull their obstinate heads out of their asses.