Out of the Shallows

  I told you to find yourself and when you were done to come find me.

  Well, you found yourself and I’m guessing I’m no longer a part of that equation, and that’s okay. All right, it’s not okay, but I understand.

  I guess I’ll see you at Claudia and Beck’s wedding in a few years. By then I think we might be able to share a smile, maybe even a drink, without it hurting like fuck.

  Don’t write back.

  Just be happy.

  Jake

  There was no way to get that email out of my head. I had the words memorized.

  They broke my heart.

  “What’s with the sad face?” Beck said as he walked in, Claudia on his heels. I looked up from the kitchen counter where I’d been standing, staring off as I replayed Jake’s email over and over in my mind.

  Seeing Beck was a constant reminder of his best friend.

  “Uh, this?” I pointed to my face as I threw him a fake grin. “You’ve got your emoticons upside down, mister.”

  Beck smirked at Claudia. “Do you think we could make money off her smart-assery? Put her in a sideshow?”

  Claudia frowned at me in concern. “Are you still killing yourself over Jake’s email?”

  Beck’s face immediately closed down at the mention of his best friend. Although we were friends, and our talk outside The Brewhouse had definitely strengthened that friendship, it didn’t mean Beck was any happier with me regarding Jake. However, it was something he didn’t push me on, just like I didn’t push him to talk to Claudia about his future with the band. He was still musing over what he would do.

  Still, I didn’t want Beck to think I was a total bitch, and I didn’t want Jake to, either. I got the impression from his email that he might be starting to hate me for real. It occurred to me—if I was honest with Beck, then perhaps that honesty might find its way back to Jake.

  “Yes,” I said. “It was just so final.”

  “Maybe that’s for the best,” Beck said tightly.

  Claudia punched the top of his arm. “No, it’s not,” she argued.

  “It is for Jake.” Beck refused to be cowed. He shot me a look. “I’m sorry, Charley, but he’s been waiting around for you for a whole fucking year now. He needs to let go and you need to let him go.”

  “She loves him, you jackass.”

  “Babe,” Beck tried to placate her, “I think you need to let go of this particular hope.”

  “I do love him,” I cut off whatever scathing reply Claudia was about to shoot back. “But I finally feel like I can breathe for the first time in a year and I’m scared that everything will get crazy again if Jake and I got back together.”

  That shut them both up.

  Beck’s gaze softened and he leaned across the counter. “It’s always going to be a little crazy. You can’t control this shit.” He shot Claudia a sardonic look and said, “Believe me.”

  She rolled her eyes at him before turning back to me. “Charley… you’re going to lose him for real if you don’t make a move. And what happens if you bump into each other at U of C next fall? What if you have to endure watching him with another Melissa? Can you handle that?”

  “Wait.” Beck shot up from the counter in surprise. “You’re going to Chicago for law?”

  I nodded, feeling a little sheepish that I hadn’t told Jake or the guys.

  “And you knew?” Beck asked Claudia. “This will kill Jake. You can’t go to the same school unless you’re together. It’ll majorly fuck with his head.” He slumped down onto a nearby stool looking suddenly exhausted. “Okay, we have to fix this.”

  “How?” I said, feeling a little frantic.

  Beck studied me a moment. “Do you really love him?”

  “Yes.”

  “Are you willing to lose him?”

  I bit my lip, knowing that despite the fear inside me, there really was only one answer to that question. “No.”

  Beck grinned. “You got any money?”

  “For what?”

  “As we speak, Jake is on a plane to Europe for spring break with Luke and a couple of Luke’s friends. Luke thought he needed to get away for a bit.”

  Immediately catching on, I felt adrenaline shoot through me. I felt jittery, impatient, anxious, and scared shitless. “Europe.” It couldn’t be Las Vegas, huh? Then again, flying clear across an ocean was a pretty big statement. “Do you have his itinerary?”

  I had to make a decision and I didn’t have the luxury of time. Jake’s heart couldn’t take much more, and mine needed to learn how to cope with all the craziness that came with loving someone as much as I loved Jacob Caplin.

  I was fearful. But I was also excited and ready to do this, no matter if I was walking into a lifetime of drama, or a moment of rejection that would live with me forever.

  I was going to do this, unknown be damned.

  The hotel reception was clean and tidy but basic. The polished beech floor shone beneath my feet, the walls brightly finished in an off-white paint. However, it looked somewhat sterile with so few paintings. I sat in an uncomfortable lobby chair beside three other empty lobby chairs, avoiding the smiling receptionist whose grin seemed to wilt with more and more concern every time our eyes met. I’d been waiting in the hotel since nine o’clock in the morning. I told the receptionist I was waiting on a friend who was staying here, but it’d been a couple of hours and I was still sitting there.

  I began to worry that Beck had gotten the itinerary wrong.

  Until the elevator doors pinged open.

  My eyes flew to it and my heart leapt into my throat at the sight of Jake. He’d cut his hair short again but his cheeks and jaw were scruffy with sexy stubble. He looked a little tired and his mouth was turned down in that unhappy way I hated seeing on him.

  My eyes hungrily took in his broad-shouldered, tall frame. He was wearing a T-shirt and jeans and he had a small backpack thrown over his shoulder, but to me, he looked amazing.

  Being so close to him for the first time in so long… Man, my whole body felt alive. I’d told Beck I was breathing again for the first time in a long time, and I was. But I’d forgotten there was so much more to living than breathing. The evidence was standing only a few feet from me, making my every nerve spark and every sense open up as if they hadn’t been used at full capacity since last December.

  Realizing Jake was going to walk out of the hotel, I called out, “You’re from Chicago. I can tell.”

  His head jerked at my voice and as soon as his eyes lit upon me, he froze. His gaze roamed over me, taking in every inch of me as if he were trying to process if I was real.

  Finally, I guess he decided I was because he walked slowly over to me, stopping to tower above me. I craned my neck to keep my eyes on his gorgeous face.

  I love you so much.

  His eyes flared at the unspoken sentiment. “What are you doing here?” he asked breathlessly.

  I shrugged, a small smile playing on my lips as I used nonchalance to cover my nerves. “Looking for a boy.”

  Jake’s mouth twitched at that and I felt hope bubble inside me. “That so?”

  “Yes. Chased him clear across an ocean. Luckily, I sleep like a baby on a plane.”

  Jake scratched his chin in thought. “That’s a long way to come for a guy.”

  I shrugged again. “He’s worth the air miles.”

  This time Jake gave a huff of laughter before his expression turned searing with gravity. “I guess this means you came to find me?”

  “Yes,” I answered, remembering his words from months before.

  “Go home and find yourself. Take all the time you need. And when you’re done and if you still want me, come and find me.”

  Tears filled my eyes.

  He saw. “What are you going to do now that you found me?”

  “Keep you.”

  He sucked in his breath, like I’d knocked the wind out of him. After a moment of staring at me with his chocolaty-brown, soulful eyes, Jake looked over his shoul
der at the elevator. When he turned back to me, I saw all the love in the world on his face. “I was on my way out, but now I’m thinking I really need to take you up to my room.”

  My pulse raced so hard. “That sounds great.”

  “I take you up there, though, you’ve got to promise me it’s forever. And mean it this time.”

  I crossed my heart. “Forever.”

  We stared at each other a long moment. The blood whooshed in my ears as everything stopped….

  Until Jake held his hand out for mine.

  The Tent was packed with people who’d come out to hear The Stolen. I glanced curiously at all those faces, knowing somewhere in the crowd was an A & R executive from a major record label.

  The Tent was a rock club in Chicago’s South Side and to just be playing it was a huge deal for the guys. To have a talent scout in the audience, an even bigger deal.

  A rumble of husky laughter met my ears before warm lips brushed my neck and a strong arm slid around my waist. I turned to look up into Jake’s handsome face.

  “Claudia’s a wreck,” he said loudly. “I left her with Beck backstage.”

  “She wants this for him.” I hugged him close. “And you know how concerned he is.”

  Jake didn’t look concerned at all. “I told him if the band gets signed and it starts taking its toll on his and Claudia’s relationship, he walks away from the band. Easy solution.”

  I frowned. “And you’re sure the guys are all okay with that?”

  He shrugged. “They’re his boys.”

  I gave a little huff of laughter. “It’s that simple?”

  “With these guys, yeah.”

  “Wow. I’m impressed. It’s all very mature.” I made a face. “Are you sure Matt was involved in that decision-making?”

  Jake smirked. “Yes. But with Matt, it’s more a case of being laid-back rather than mature and understanding.”

  I grinned. “Yeah, that makes more sense.”

  Before Jake could respond, the lights dimmed and the guys doing the sound check on stage quickly shuffled off. The crowd grew quiet.

  The Stolen walked onstage and the noise exploded, people clapping, yelling, and whistling. I’d watched the guys perform more times than I could count, but the atmosphere was different tonight. There were at least a couple hundred people here—their biggest crowd yet. Along with that was the air of electricity, anticipation, and expectation.

  This could be the beginning of everything for The Stolen.

  Lowe stepped up to the mic and gave the trademark smirk that was sure to cause millions of women all over the world to fall in love with him if/when the band hit the big time.

  Denver started the rhythm on the drums and the guys soon followed as Lowe sang in his deep, husky melodious voice. The crowd surged forward around the stage and the electricity in the room went full power.

  Throughout the set, I’d shoot looks at Jake as he stood singing along to his best friends’ songs. He was proud of them. We both were.

  An hour later they finished out the set with my favorite, “Lonely Boy.”

  The crowds cheered and whistled and catcalled at the guys as soon as the song ended. I watched Beck and Lowe share a grin, shaking their heads in disbelief at the atmosphere they’d created tonight. Lowe turned back to the mic and gave a small salute to the crowd. “You’ve been listening to The Stolen. Thanks and have a good night.”

  They began to make their way off stage to the chants for more. Jake grabbed my hand and tugged. “Backstage,” he mouthed. I nodded and held on tight as he maneuvered us through the crowd so we could congratulate the guys. I put a hand behind my back, fingers crossed, hoping that when we got there, the A & R executive would’ve beaten us to it.

  I gasped into Jake’s mouth as he rocked inside me.

  “You there?” he panted, the muscles in his arms flexing.

  He had my hands pinned at the sides of my head as a deterrent to my impatience. Jake liked making lazy love to me in the mornings, and I had a tendency to turn things a little wild. He’d taken to holding me down, which was seriously hot.

  I gripped his hips with my thighs, lifting my hips into his slow thrust. “Almost,” I said breathlessly. “Harder, Jake.”

  He gritted his teeth and shook his head as he continued on his determined torture. It was worth it. The drawn-out building of tension toward orgasm only made my climax that much sweeter and longer.

  I shattered, and my inner muscles clenched around Jake, expelling his own orgasm from him. He gave a muffled yell, his grip on my hands momentarily tightening.

  And then he collapsed over me, his warm breath puffing against my neck as his hands loosened their hold. Free, I wrapped my arms around his sweat-slickened back and gripped his waist with my thighs. “Good morning to you too,” I laughed, my voice a little husky from having yelled and clapped for the band last night. Not to mention the yelling and celebrating we did afterward when the A & R exec told the guys he was impressed and he’d be in touch to set up a time to chat.

  Jake pressed a kiss against my shoulder. “Morning,” he mumbled and nuzzled his head back against my neck.

  I stroked his back with one hand and ran my fingers through his hair with the other. This was my favorite time with Jake. Don’t get me wrong—the sex was awesome and the closer we grew again, the better it got—but these moments, holding him with my whole body while he lay replete and happy, was the best feeling in the world.

  We’d done a lot of talking in Europe during spring break. Okay, yes, there was a lot of sex as well, but mostly we let it all out—our apologies, our hurts, our resentments, our hopes for the future. We had a lot to work out and it hadn’t been easy. We’d argued at lot in those first few weeks. However, I felt like we were finally where we wanted to be.

  I’d been apprehensive about admitting to Jake we’d both be at U of C as grad students but I shouldn’t have been. He was relieved that we wouldn’t have to contend with long distance on top of everything else. School had started, and we worked our butts off during the week so we could spend the weekends together. Jake was still living with the guys but since they could live anywhere, they’d opted for an apartment on the South Side so Jake could be close to school and me, and Beck could be close to Claudia. Claudia and I had gotten an apartment together, only a block away.

  Reluctant to get up, I sighed and patted Jake’s delicious ass. “We’ve got to go.”

  He groaned and pushed back so he was leaning over me again. His lids sat low over his beautiful dark eyes. “I want to stay inside you.”

  I smiled and reached up to caress his cheek. “I want you to stay inside me too, but it’s that time again.”

  Gently pulling out of me, Jake’s eyes burned into mine as he stroked my hip. “We could just fuck each other’s brains out all day.”

  My breath stuttered at the suggestion but I somehow managed a semi-nonchalant response. “Another time maybe.”

  He flashed me a grin, not buying it. “You know you want to.”

  I smirked at him as he rolled off me and onto his back. “Sometimes we can’t always get what we want.”

  “But to endure torture? Every month? It doesn’t seem right.”

  I slid out of bed and strode across the room to my bathroom. “You’re going to endure this torture until my family is comfortable with us.” I switched on the shower and waited for it to heat up before stepping inside. Since getting back together with Jake, I’d made it my life mission to create some kind of peace between him and my family. I wasn’t giving either of them up. There was only so much compromising I could do, and definitely only so much sacrificing.

  I knew what it felt like to give up Jake for someone else, and it not only made me miss him, it had made me miss me. I wasn’t the girl who gave up on someone just because someone else told her to. It took me a while to remember that, but once I had Jake back in my life, I knew there was no way I was letting go without a fight.

  That’s when I invented
“Reconciliation Saturday.” Once a month Jake and I drove to Lanton and spent Saturday and the better part of Sunday with my family. Getting Jake to Lanton the first time was hard, and there were still the odd few idiots who watched him with suspicion whenever we went into town, but he was willing to put himself through it for me.

  A few seconds later, Jake joined me in the shower. He brushed my wet hair off my face as he crowded me against the cold tiles. “Baby, your dad is never going to be comfortable with us.”

  I wasn’t sure that was true at all. “Andie came around. And Mom has too. Dad will get there.”

  “You again,” Dad grunted at Jake.

  Dad released me from his hug, kissed my forehead, and strolled toward the living room without another word to Jake.

  My boyfriend stood on my parents’ doorstep with a resigned look on his face. “Your dad will get there, huh?”

  “In time.” I gave him a look of apology and grabbed his arm to pull him inside.

  “I thought I heard voices!”

  We spun around to watch my mom descend the staircase with a huge smile on her face. As soon as she reached us, she pulled me into a tight hug. When she released me, she turned to Jake and cupped his cheek in her hand. “It’s good to see you.”

  He smiled, a little of the tension leaving him. “You too, Delia.”

  “I made my macaroni pie in exchange for dishes duty.”

  “It’s a deal,” he agreed. Jake loved my mom’s macaroni pie.

  The front door flew open and Andie stepped inside, talking to the hulking figure of her husband-to-be over her shoulder. “Fruitcake? Really?”

  “Yes, fruitcake,” Rick said in an insistent voice as he gently nudged her inside.

  Andie huffed and turned to us. “I thought the benefit of marrying an orphan was that I didn’t have to put up with crappy opinions from the groom’s side of the family.”

  “Andie,” Mom admonished.

  I, however, chuckled at Rick. “Good thing you’ve got a thick skin.”

  “You need it to marry a Redford sister. Right, Jake?” Rick clapped a hand on Jake’s shoulder in greeting.