Out of the Shallows

  Not wanting to make his birthday about Jake and me, I forced out a smile and stepped back to let Claudia greet him.

  “Happy birthday, Lowe,” she chirped a little too cheerily as she hugged him. “Great party!” She looked across the room where a beer pong table had been set up. “Oh, I see Matt.” Sure enough Matt lounged against the wall, talking to some chick with his eyes glued to the table. Way to show your interest, Matt. “Why don’t you take Charley to get a drink while I go say hi.”

  Lowe frowned as he watched her walk away and then I saw him stiffen when he caught sight of Jake across the room, still flirting with the redhead. Lowe looked back at me and I did my best to keep my face blank. I got the impression he wasn’t buying what I was selling. “Let’s get you that drink.”

  I grabbed hold of the hand he held out. He led me into one of the quieter dorm rooms.

  “Beck’s friends with three of the guys that room here. They opened their dorm rooms to us for the party.” He grinned over his shoulder at me as he led me toward a desk littered with beer. “How he talked them into that, I have no idea.”

  “Here.” I held out a small gift-wrapped box.

  His eyes lit up as he took it. “You didn’t have to get me anything.”

  I shrugged. “It’s just a little thing.”

  “A wee thing, Row would say.”

  I flinched at the mention of our Scottish friend Rowena. “I haven’t spoken to her at all since I left Edinburgh.” Another thing to feel guilty about. “Have you guys?”

  He nodded as he unwrapped the box. “She actually joined us for a couple of weeks this summer. She’s fine. And she gets that you’ve got a lot going on.”

  “Still, I’ll email her when I get back to Purdue.”

  Lowe opened the box and lifted out the small item inside. He turned it over and his eyes flew to mine.

  “I saw it and thought of you.” I gestured to the guitar pick in his hand, my eyes on the words written across it: Play It Fucking Loud.

  “Bob Dylan,” he answered quietly. “You remembered.”

  Back in Edinburgh, back when I was with Jake, back when everything was good, we’d all sat around the kitchen one afternoon, talking about everything and nothing. We’d gotten onto the subject of favorite quotes, and Lowe had talked about the reported incident when Bob Dylan was playing in Manchester and someone in the crowd called him “Judas” for playing electric guitar. In response Dylan told his band to “play it fucking loud.” Lowe said he got it—Dylan’s anger, yeah, but mostly his conviction in himself and his music.

  “Girls remember shit.” I shrugged it off.

  Lowe surprised me by cupping my cheek and leaning into me. My breath stuttered and warning bells chimed in my head. “You make it really difficult, you know that,” he said softly, his eyes on my mouth.

  “Lowe…”

  His gaze flicked to my eyes. “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome,” I whispered.

  He dropped his hand and took a step back. For a second or two he just stared at the pick before pulling his wallet out and sliding the pick safely inside. Once he tucked the wallet away, he handed me a beer.

  “I’ve got to admit, I’ve been kind of pissed at you.”

  I shouldn’t have been surprised by the comment, but still, I was taken aback by how much I didn’t like that Lowe had been angry with me.

  “The way you treated Jake…”

  “It was bad, I know.” I took a sip of my drink. “I told him sorry. I don’t know how else to apologize. I handled everything… well, I didn’t handle it. I let it all just crumple around me.”

  Lowe sighed. “I’ve got to ask… I was there. When you walked in and saw Jake with that sophomore just now… I saw your face, Charley.”

  My eyes flew to him. “So?”

  “Well, are you okay?”

  “I’m fine,” I lied. “Obviously breaking up was the right thing to do.”

  “Charley, I know you’re lying.”

  “I can’t be with him. Okay? Simple as that,” I hissed, all the hurt pouring out of me. “It doesn’t mean I’m not in pain. Or that I don’t care. So yeah… you saw my face when I saw my ex-boyfriend clearly getting ready to bed down with a leggy redhead. Did I look like I’d been slapped? Because that’s how I felt just then. Now… not so much. See, I can move on, knowing how easily it is for him to be a typical guy and start fucking his way through the sorority houses, if he hasn’t already.”

  Lowe looked suddenly panicked. “Charley, that’s not what’s happening here. Just talk to Jake—”

  “No, I’m done. I don’t want to talk about him anymore.” I took a shuddering breath, trying to calm my throbbing pulse. “Let’s just go enjoy the party.”

  He didn’t look so sure.

  “C’mon.” I started heading to the door with my beer. “You can introduce me to people I won’t remember in the morning.”

  It was the first day of March and spring was technically a few weeks away. Could’ve fooled me.

  As I stepped out of Old College onto South Bridge, an icy wind blew through me. I shuddered, hurrying to button my coat while trying to juggle my bag and notes.

  That morning I’d woken up with the same concerns that I’d been waking up with for the past few weeks. I worried about my family. I hadn’t spoken to Andie since that fateful phone call and once my dad found out about it, he also refused to talk to me until I apologized to my sister. Since I wouldn’t apologize, it was turning into a long and very silent stalemate that weighed on me more and more each day. The only one talking to me was Mom and even then it was strained.

  After catching a glimpse of Melissa in Old College for the first time in weeks, I found myself feeling guilty for not worrying more about her. I wondered if she was doing okay these days.

  “Need a hand?”

  I glanced up at the familiar voice and straight into Beck’s striking light gray eyes. “What are you doing here?”

  “I just finished class. I was heading back to the apartment.” He took my bag and notes while I finished fastening my coat. As he slipped my notes into my bag, he smiled. “Walk with me?”

  When Beck wasn’t winning Brooding Hero of the Year and messing with my best friend’s heart, he was actually the most laid-back, nonjudgmental person I had ever met. He was soothing and funny and kind, and I loved hanging out with him. Unfortunately, I was actually heading in the opposite direction. “I’m meeting Claudia at the Library Bar for coffee.”

  His expression lightened at the mention of Claud. “I’ll come with. I haven’t seen her in a few days. She’s been busy with school.”

  I nodded but didn’t say anything. The truth was Claudia was taking my advice and trying to wean herself off Beck in the hopes of getting over him.

  “You and Jake seem good?” Beck looked down at me, his hands shoved in the pockets of his jeans, the fabric of his T-shirt flapping in the wind. He wore a long-sleeved thermal under it, but still…

  “Aren’t you freezing?”

  “It wasn’t this cold yesterday.” He shrugged. “I’ve stopped guessing how to dress for the weather here.”

  “True.” It was a perpetual guessing game. One second it was chilly but the sun was out; the next second brought torrential rain and winds.

  “So you and Jake?”

  I so did not want to discuss my relationship with Jake’s best friend. “We’re good.”

  He nudged me. “You’re not going to break his heart, are you?” His voice was teasing but I knew better.

  “Are you going to break Claudia’s?”

  A muscle in his jaw ticked. “Fair enough.”

  “Hey, here’s a question that won’t get either of us punched: do you know how Melissa is doing these days?”

  Beck raised an eyebrow. “Melissa?”

  “Melissa. You know, dark hair, legs forever, one hundred percent drop-dead gorgeous and one hundred percent nicer than me.”

  He grinned. “She may be nicer, b
ut she is way less fun.”

  I smirked at him. “As much as I enjoy getting my ego stroked, I’m serious. Do you know if she’s doing okay?”

  “Melissa’s a nice girl but we’re not close. We never were. She’s one of the few people who doesn’t understand that underneath this roguish charm is a heart of 80 percent gold.”

  “Come on, don’t undervalue yourself. It’s at least 82 percent.”

  Laughing, Beck wrapped an arm around my shoulders, pulling me into his side. “This is why I was rooting for you.”

  “Well, I appreciate that.” I hugged him back but frowned up into his gorgeous face. “So you really wouldn’t know if she’s okay?”

  Beck pulled out his phone, fingers flying over the keys. “I texted Maggie. She should know. They’re friends.”

  “Maggie, my roommate Maggie?”

  Catching my hesitant tone, Beck gave a reassuring smile. “I wouldn’t go there. I do have some control over who I sleep with.”

  “That’s good to know, I guess,” I said, sounding a little doubtful. The last thing I wanted was Claudia returning to the apartment one night to find Beck stumbling out of Maggie’s room. I think that might just be the straw that would break the camel’s back. About to stick my nose in and ruin our pleasant camaraderie, Beck’s next question halted me.

  “So, why do you want to know if Melissa is okay?”

  I shrugged, feeling that familiar gnawing guilt. “I’d think that was obvious.”

  As we climbed the steps to the student union, Beck fell silent. Once inside, he turned to me, a small smile playing on his lips. “Jake is right. You and Claudia are not like other women.”

  I arched an eyebrow. “I’m taking that as a compliment since I happen to know for a fact that Claudia and I are freaking awesome.”

  Something sad flashed in Beck’s eyes as he smirked back at me. “I’m not to going to argue with that.”

  I wish I had a magic potion to shove down his throat and make him see that whatever was stopping him from taking a chance on Claudia didn’t compare to how bad the regret would be later. I sighed inwardly and followed his tall body upstairs to the Library Bar.

  I almost slammed into him when he drew to an abrupt halt just inside the doorway. I peered around him. “What’s up?” I followed his confused gaze across the room.

  Claudia was cozied up in a booth with Lowe. Her laptop was open in front of her but they were sitting turned into one another, laughing about something.

  The muscle under my hand tensed and I glanced down to see Beck’s fists tightening.

  “They’re just friends,” I assured him.

  Sure, the way they were sitting suggested otherwise but I had assurances not only from Lowe that he wouldn’t go there, but from Claudia also. Only yesterday she told me how much fun it was to hang out with a guy and not have to worry about any sexual tension.

  The chemistry wasn’t there for them, which was a little disappointing, but the whole point was for Claud to have someone who would distract her from Beck, and Lowe was doing the job.

  “I didn’t say a word.” Beck glowered down at me.

  And just like that, I had Broody Hero of the Year on my hands. “You need to work on your poker face. It sucks.” I strode away before he could reply.

  “Hey there, hot stuff,” I said as I slid into the booth.

  Lowe grinned. “Hey, yourself.”

  “Oh, as pretty as you are, babe, I was talking to Claudia.”

  Claudia smiled and opened her mouth to reply only to freeze at the sight of Beck with me. “Oh. Hey.”

  He nodded as he slid in beside me.

  “Hey, man,” Lowe said, something akin to excitement in his eyes. “Guess what Claud’s doing for us?”

  “I have no idea,” he replied in a tone that suggested he couldn’t give a shit.

  I kicked him in the shin, eliciting a grunt.

  Claudia narrowed her eyes. “Who spit in your bean curd?”

  “What the hell does that even mean?”

  I tried not to smile, deliberately avoiding Lowe’s eyes because I knew he’d make me laugh.

  “It means,” Claudia gave a long-suffering sigh, “what’s your problem?”

  “I don’t have a problem. I just sat down.” Beck pulled his buzzing phone from his pocket, glaring at Claudia. He looked at the screen. “According to Maggie, Melissa is doing okay. She’s even got a date this weekend.”

  A little weight lifted off my shoulders. “That’s good to hear.”

  Claudia caught my eye. “Feel better?”

  “Much,” I admitted. “You know I hate guilt.”

  Relaxing, I had a drink with my friends, listening to Beck and Claudia snipe at each other. They were on the cusp of giving me back the tension I’d just gotten rid of, so I decided it was time to leave.

  “I need to go too.” Lowe slid out of the booth at my announcement. “I have stuff to do. Claudia, if you and Beck can stop griping for five seconds, why don’t you show him the plans for this summer?”

  Claudia’s green eyes filled with something like panic.

  “Go ahead,” Beck said, clearly not in the mood to leave her company. “Do you want another coffee?”

  Instead of answering, my friend looked to me for help.

  I needed to get her out of this somehow. I looked at Beck, but any excuse that might’ve been making its way from brain to tongue melted upon seeing the puppy-dog look on his face.

  Crap. No wonder she has such a hard time resisting him.

  I looked back at Claudia and shrugged. “I’ll catch you guys later.”

  Seriously. Where was my willpower? If I couldn’t harden my heart enough against Beck to keep them apart, how the hell was she supposed to?

  Lowe and I hit the top of the steps off Chamber Street that led to my apartment. We were about to descend them when I started at the sight of Jake coming up them.

  His head down, hands jammed into his jacket pockets, he was listening to whatever band was singing through his earphones. A rush of longing ripped through me. My heart soaked in what little it could see of his familiar face; my eyes drank in his broad shoulders and long legs.

  I missed him.

  Even when I was with him I missed him. What we had wasn’t what we’d had before. At this point I only had myself to blame for that.

  Lowe chuckled beside me as we waited for Jake to reach us. “I never had a chance, did I?” he joked.

  I made a face. “I’m that obvious?”

  “Only when he’s not looking,” he said, seeing way more than he should.

  Perceptive pain in my ass.

  Jake looked up, faltering on a step. At first he didn’t seem sure how to react to the sight of me with Lowe, but he quickly shrugged it off, bestowing a gorgeous smile on me. He pulled his earphones out. “Hey, you,” he said, coming to a stop at the top of the stairs. He leaned down to kiss me, his lips soft. He smelled great.

  “Hey,” I whispered back, unable to speak any louder over the force of my emotions. It still surprised me that my feelings for him had the ability to bowl me over without warning.

  “Hey, man.” Jake nodded congenially at Lowe. I was relieved.

  Lowe seemed to be too. He gave Jake a small smile and nod. “Well, I better get back to the apartment. I have an essay due in two days and we have a gig tonight.”

  “Good luck.” I waved goodbye and watched him take the steps two at a time.

  “I was coming to get you.” Jake tightened his arm around my waist, and I found myself swiftly falling into his eyes. “I called Beck and he mentioned you were worried about Melissa?”

  I shook my head. “It’s fine. Just guilt. But apparently she’s doing okay.”

  His dark eyes looked troubled. “I’m glad she’s okay. But you have nothing to feel guilty about.”

  I could see his own guilt in his eyes and instantly felt bad for bringing Melissa up. “Ja—”

  My ringtone blasted, cutting me off. Giving Jake a lo
ok of apology, I dropped his hand and dug through my bag.

  My pulse sped up at the sight of the caller ID. My dad.

  Relieved more than I could say but still angry and hurt that he hadn’t called in ages, I hesitantly answered.

  “Where are you?” he asked abruptly.

  Disappointed by his tone, I huffed, “Last time I checked, I was in Scotland.”

  “Smart-ass,” Dad grumbled, the edge chipped off his tone. “What I meant is where exactly are you, right now? Because I’m standing in your apartment after your roommate stupidly let me in without checking my identification first. Does that happen a lot? Because maybe while I’m here, I should hold a stranger awareness meeting with you girls.”

  I didn’t hear anything after “I’m standing in your apartment…”

  “I’ll be right there.” I hung up, eyes wide on Jake’s curious expression. “My dad is here.”

  Jake’s eyebrows squished together. “Here, here?”

  “Yup.” I turned and started down the steps.

  “Hey, I’m coming too.” Jake hurried to catch me.

  Marching into the courtyard of my building, I threw over my shoulder, “Do you think that’s wise?”

  “I think he’s here for a reason and I think we need to reassure him.” His hand curled around my arm. “Would you slow down—as in, calm down?”

  My breathing was way too fast. “I can’t.” I pushed my building door open and rushed the stairs. “My dad has flown all the way across the ocean to come talk to me. That’s not a good sign, Jake. My parents don’t exactly have the kind of money where plane tickets aren’t a luxury.” I stopped in the middle of the first floor and Jake immediately wrapped his arms around me.

  “It’s going to be okay,” he promised. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

  “I don’t want you to get punched.”

  “If I get punched, I get punched. It’s no less than what I deserve.”

  “I couldn’t have said it better myself.”

  I gasped at the sound of my dad’s voice, wrenching back from Jake to gaze up onto the next landing. My dad stood above us, huge, intimidating, and not at all happy to see me in Jake’s arms.

  “Before anyone says another word,” Jake said, “let’s get inside.”