Lost & Found

  “And you lost Jesse.” That was what I’d mourn the most.

  She nodded, her eyes automatically drifting back to him.

  “Do you miss him?”

  Another nod, but that time she made herself look away from Jesse. “Every night when I find myself still anticipating his call to say goodnight. Every time I go to one of these things and I realize I’m not going with a date. God, Rowen. I miss him when I brush my teeth.” Her gaze shifted from her lap to my eyes. They held a strength that hadn’t been there just moments before. “But I know Jesse and I will never be together again. There’s too much bad history between us now. So I can either spend the rest of my life missing him . . . or I can move on.”

  “Move on?” From Jesse Walker? I edited out because if she knew how to “move on” from him, mountains could be moved and pigs could fly.

  “Maybe not today. Or tomorrow. But someday,” she said. “I’m not going to waste my life longing for the guy-that-almost-was. I’m going to move on and find the guy-to-be.”

  I knew she made it sound about a thousand times easier than it was, but for a young woman who’d lost a Jesse because she’d slept with a Garth, she had a good head on her shoulders.

  “Okay, you don’t only give out life-changing moxie compliments, you also might be the most intelligent woman I’ve ever met,” I said, still dumbfounded. “You are officially my hero.”

  Josie laughed, wiped the corners of her eyes one more time, and sat up straight. “Well, sometimes the lessons you learn remind you that you have to let your head run the show instead of your heart.”

  And sometimes the opposite was true, as I was learning.

  “I’m going to run outside for a few minutes and get some fresh air. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry tonight, and look at me.” Josie waved her hands at her face. She still looked pretty damn perfect. “You going to be all right on your own for a few?”

  “I’ll be great,” I assured her. “As soon as I’m done with this feast, I’m going to get out there and bust a move.”

  “Sure you are.” Josie rolled her eyes as she stood up.

  “Don’t tempt me.”

  “I’m not tempting you,” she said, propping a hand on her hip. Her eyes gleamed. “I’m daring you.”

  “What? Are we in sixth grade?” I called after her.

  She waved over her shoulder. “See you on the dance floor, Move Buster.”

  I grumbled into my soda can before taking a drink. I’d never backed down from a dare, and I wouldn’t start. I’d be on that dance floor before little Miss Sixth Grade got her daring butt back in there.

  I was going in for my crispy chicken wing when I felt the air around me charge, like an electric storm was rolling in. The hair on my arms rose when I looked up. From across the room, Jesse’s eyes had locked in on me and, from the tilt of his brow, I couldn’t quite make out if that was pain or confusion lining his forehead. My wing dropped to my plate, and the air, the noise, the people, everything was sucked out of the room as he continued to stare at me.

  It was the stuff people talked about. The love-at-first-sight mumbo jumbo I’d rolled my eyes at. That wasn’t our “first sight,” but I felt a lot of that other thing swirling around in places that had felt empty for so long, I’d forgotten I had them.

  When that same little arm pawer dropped her hand on his other arm, Jesse’s gaze shifted her way. Suddenly, I could breathe again. That was, until I watched her smile up at him, pop up on her tip toes to whisper in his ear, then raise her eyebrows at him. I was back to being unable to breathe. My claws were out that time.

  I didn’t know that girl from the one sitting across from me at the table, but I hated her. Like, raw, unadulterated hate. All because she was touching, whispering, and smiling at the guy I wanted to be touching, whispering to, and smiling at.

  She was in my place because I’d let Garth Black pour poison in my ears. I couldn’t even remember what he’d said, or why I’d been so sure I needed to stay away from Jesse. Right then, all I could think about was being close to Jesse.

  I was out of my seat and weaving through the dance floor before I even knew I’d done it. He wasn’t watching me anymore, but I was watching him. I couldn’t look away, and the closer I got, the more impossible looking away became.

  He noticed me right before I stopped in front of him. The tight circle of girls around him didn’t budge, so I not-so-gently shouldered my way through them.

  “Plenty of single guys around, ladies. No need to suffocate this one.” Of course I knew what they knew: there were other guys, but there was only one Jesse Walker. I grunted when one of them threw an elbow into my side as I pushed by. Damn. Those chicks were out for blood. I should have worn my steel-toed boots. I would have if I’d known I’d be entering a combat zone.

  Once I made it through the main swarm of girls, I squared myself in front of Jesse and the bicep petter. “Hey. You.” She hadn’t noticed me because she had eyes for nothing but Jesse’s muscles. “You rub his arm any longer, you’re going to wear the skin right off. Go find yourself another cowboy to pet. I need to talk to this one.”

  When she finally did look at me, I saw those county girls could make the same vicious expressions as the urban girls I was used to. Mental note made.

  “Jesse,” she said in a syrupy voice, “you know this . . .” her eyes ran down me, her nose wrinkling as she took me in, “this . . . thing?”

  My fists balled at my sides. I reminded myself to take a slow breath. She wasn’t saying anything I hadn’t heard before. She wasn’t saying anywhere close to the worst I’d heard before. I was winding up for my comeback when a white shirt angled in front of me.

  “Bye, Shelby.” Jesse’s voice was cold and his shoulders were tensed. He was a tower in front of me, but when Shelby huffed, I couldn’t resist peeking my head out from behind him.

  “Bye, Shelby.” I made my voice as syrupy as it would go and gave her an exaggerated wave.

  Another vicious look, but she kept walking. For the most part, the rest of her fellow Jesse worshippers followed her.

  I almost smiled, but that brick wall of a back turned around and those eyes of his made the whole inhaling and exhaling thing difficult.

  “You came,” I said, stepping back because being so close to Jesse made my head light. Logical thought process became next to impossible to attain.

  He lifted a shoulder, but that was the only response he gave me. Was Jesse Walker giving me the silent treatment?

  “Are you having a good time?” I tried next, taking another half step back because I could still smell that soapy, shampooy scent of him, and that was messing with my head, too.

  He lifted the other shoulder.

  So yeah. Jesse Walker was giving me the silent treatment. I was probably the only person who could claim that honor.

  “Are you going to talk to me, Jesse? Or are you going to communicate with me with shrugs the rest of the summer?” Might as well get down to business. I didn’t know how long Josie would be gone, and I needed to talk to Jesse. I had to clear the thick air between us.

  He caught himself in the middle of another shrug. With a sigh, he pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes. “What do you want me to say, Rowen?” he asked, his voice tight. “I’ve been racking my head all damn week trying to figure out what to say to you when I saw you again, but I couldn’t think of anything. Obviously.” He wiggled his shoulder and gave me a small smile.

  A small smile was a start. And he was communicating with me, real words and all. I’d take it. His gaze shifted, just over my shoulder, and those sky blue eyes went as black as they could go.

  I didn’t need to look behind me. I knew a black felt hat was back there somewhere.

  Jesse lifted his chin. “Garth’s over there if you want to dance with him.” I stepped back again from the ice in his tone.

  “And what if I want to dance with you?” I said, managing to sound braver than I felt. “What if you do?” Still the i
ce, but I wouldn’t back down. I wouldn’t let him push me away so easily. I owed him an explanation, and I wasn’t leaving until he had it.

  “Would you want to?” I asked. There was so much between the lines in that question, I almost winced just anticipating his answer.

  “That depends.” His eyes continued to glare holes into the back or front of Garth. I wasn’t sure, and I wouldn’t look over my shoulder to find out. “Are you planning on having a little campout at Garth Black’s trailer tonight after you dance with me now?”

  Bitter? Jealous? Those weren’t words I’d use to describe Jesse, but tonight, he seemed to be a little of both.

  “Jesse. I’m sorry,” I said. “I let Garth get into my head. I let him remind me of all my fears and insecurities. I let him tell me what I deserved and what I didn’t deserve.” Shit. If I got any more vulnerable, I would turn into one gaping, bloody wound.

  “Well, sorry, but I don’t let Garth Black decide what I do and don’t deserve. And you shouldn’t either.”

  “I know,” I replied quietly. I could have gone into all the reasons I had. Why it was so easy to believe the Garth Blacks of the world. Why the bad was so much easier to believe than the good. Man, I could have gone into a day-long lecture on the special brand of screwed-up I was, but my apology wasn’t about me. It was about Jesse. It was about me hurting him and needing to make amends.

  Jesse studied my face, like he was trying to remain objective about the whole thing but he failed. A long sigh followed. “What were you doing at Garth’s place that night anyways, Rowen? Why were you kissing the hell out of me that afternoon and snuggled into his lounge chair later that night?”

  I could have cried from the pain in Jesse’s voice alone. From knowing that my actions had caused that level of hurt in him. Everything inside of me wanted to edit the truth. Everything inside of me wanted to appease him with a surface answer. Everything inside of me wanted to protect myself.

  I flipped everything inside of myself off and sucked in a deep breath. “Because Garth Black isn’t able to break my heart.” I bit my lip and pressed on. “You are.” The ice in Jesse’s expression melted. His eyes softened. The wrinkles in his forehead smoothed. “I never have to worry about Garth hurting me, because I know he will. I know what to expect with him. I know he’ll screw up and leave me if I don’t leave him first. I don’t give him every piece of myself because I know what I’m getting into. I don’t know what I’m getting into with you, and if I give all of myself to you, you could break everything.” Was I really spilling my guts in a honky tonk with hundreds of people around? I took a quick scan of the area. Yeah. I sure was. “You make me feel too much, Jesse.” I crossed those few steps I’d put between us. “It freaks me out.”

  There was almost a full minute of silence between us. Nothing but him studying me and me just letting him. A minute of silence after you drop that kind of deep stuff on a guy is basically an eternity.

  Finally, Jesse’s mouth parted. “When you open yourself up to people, you let the bad in with the good. I can’t promise I won’t ever hurt you, Rowen. But it won’t be on purpose. I will never hurt you intentionally. I can promise you that.” Jesse’s hand dropped to my waist, but he didn’t draw me to him. He drew himself to me. “But if this is something we’re going to give a go, I need you to promise me the same. I need you to promise me you won’t go out of your way to push me away, or hurt me, or fall asleep on Garth Black’s lounge chair, when—not if—things get scary. I can tell you don’t want to let people in, that it scares you, but you need to let me in if we’re going to have a fighting chance. You can’t shove me away the moment you let me inside, as much as I know you’ll want to.” His fingers curved into my waist, and the warmth and strength in them made my eyelids heavy. “Don’t hurt me, Rowen,” he whispered in a way that tugged at any and every feeling I had for Jesse.

  I knew letting him in would be like going against a strong current. I knew it wouldn’t feel natural, or be my first, second, or even third instinct, and I knew it would be a daily struggle to keep from running from Jesse when things got serious, when things got . . . scary, as he’d said.

  But when I looked into those eyes of his that saw everything, those eyes that saw me, I knew the fight would be worth it. The struggle to let him in when I wanted to barricade the windows and lower the gates would be a battle I’d never regret fighting.

  I inhaled. I exhaled. I wove my fingers through his where his hand still rested on my waist. I locked my gaze to his. “I won’t.”

  It was a promise. A vow. A prayer. It thrilled me. It terrified me.

  But what I noticed most was the warmth running through my body and into my veins. The feeling of peace that washed over me was nothing I’d ever felt before. The next thing that overwhelmed me?

  The smile that lit up his face.

  “I think you owe me a dance,” he said, sliding his other hand around my waist. We weren’t on the dance floor, nowhere close to it, but we could make our own little dance floor right there.

  My hands settled over his chest, and I tried pressing closer. Apparently, we were as tight together as two people could get. “I owe you three.” I winked up at him.

  “After this past week, I think you owe me more than that.” He tilted his hat back farther on his forehead.

  “What did you have in mind?” I asked as we started swaying to the silence of one song ending and another beginning.

  “I’ll think of something.” One corner of his mouth lifted higher than the other. “But why don’t you kiss me while I’m thinking?”

  It was one of those moments that felt like it was more a scene pulled from a movie or a book. Boy and girl moving in for a kiss as the band breaks into a slow song . . . girl glances for the briefest moment over boy’s shoulder before she closes her eyes to taste his lips and sees . . .

  The boy’s ex-girlfriend.

  “Crap,” I whispered. Josie was watching the two of us with a blank expression. She didn’t look over-the-moon pissed or irreversibly hurt. She looked more like she couldn’t quite understand what she saw.

  “What?” Jesse said, pulling back right before his mouth connected with mine. I could have been kissing him . . .

  But I couldn’t do that in front of Josie, not with her watching like she was the most confused person in the room. I owed her an explanation, too. I’d owed a lot of those lately.

  “Hold that thought.” I shot him a quick smile before winding around him.

  “Rowen?” He grabbed my hand. “Did you just miss what I said a whole two minutes ago?”

  I looked at him, confused.

  “The whole you-can’t-run-away-when-things-get-serious thing.”

  “Jesse, trust me, there’s nothing I’d rather be doing right now than kissing the hell out of you, but Josie just walked in and saw the two of us together, and . . . Well, she looked a little . . . shocked.”

  Jesse’s forehead lined as he checked behind me. He sighed when he saw her. “You want me to go with you? Talk with her together?”

  I shook my head. “I think it would be a more productive discussion if you weren’t present.”

  He lifted a brow.

  “You distract me too much, and if I’m going to explain to Josie what I’m doing with her ex-boyfriend and come out on the other side with her not hating me, I’m going to need all my mental faculties.”

  He smirked at me.

  “Wish me luck,” I said, giving his hand a squeeze before slipping free.

  “Good luck,” I heard him say as I made my way to the still stunned Josie.

  She didn’t run off or glare at me as I approached; she just continued glancing between me and Jesse like she was trying to accept something impossible to accept.

  When I stopped in front of her, she didn’t look behind me again. I wasn’t sure if that was because Jesse had moved on, or because she couldn’t look at him anymore.

  “You want to talk?” I glanced at the door.

&nbs
p; She bobbed her head.

  I led the way through the crowd, and she followed. The night had taken so many unexpected turns. Good ones, bad ones. Good, bad. Good with the bad. Just as Jesse had said. I had to accept the bad with the good because it’s inevitable.

  I didn’t say anything until we were outside and out of range of anyone who would listen.

  I spun around and couldn’t get the words out fast enough. “Josie, I am so, so sorry you just saw that.”

  She stared at the ground and crossed her arms. “But you’re not sorry for falling for my ex-boyfriend?” Her voice wasn’t especially sharp, but the words hit me like it was.

  I didn’t want to lie to her, but I couldn’t lie to myself. I couldn’t make it seem like some shallow infatuation. “No, I’m not sorry for falling for Jesse,” I said slowly. Josie’s face lined. “But I am sorry for hurting you in the process. I’m very sorry for that.”

  She chewed something out on her lip for a moment. “Why didn’t you say anything to me?”

  “Up until a few minutes ago, I didn’t know what to say. I knew I liked Jesse. I knew he used to like me. I just wasn’t sure if he still did.”

  Josie’s eyes closed. “I saw the way he was looking at you, Rowen. The way he was touching you.” She exhaled and leaned into the truck beside her. “If you’re still not sure if he likes you or not, I can tell you with a hundred percent certainty that he does.”

  My heart burst at her words. It broke at her words. Damn, that was a hard discussion to have with the ex-girlfriend of the boy who made my heart go boom-boom.

  “I’m sorry,” I said, because I had nothing else. I’d say it all night long if that’s what she needed to hear.

  “No, I know, and honestly . . . I’ve had my suspicions that something’s been going on between you two for a while now,” she said. “It sucks, but it’s like what I told you inside. I knew when Jesse and I split up, that was a permanent thing. I knew there was no chance of us making up and moving on together. I knew he’d wind up with someone else. I was surprised he wasn’t seeing anyone sooner, given the parade the single girls practically had when they found out we’d split.” She kicked the toe of her boot into the dirt and continued to stare holes into the ground. “I also knew it would break my heart when I saw him with another girl, no matter who that girl was.” She glanced up at me and managed to form a small smile. “I guess at least I can say I like the girl he fell for.”