Lost & Found

  When he was quiet for a few more moments, I actually felt it coming on.

  “I see the real you, Rowen,” he said at last, tucking his chin over my shoulder, “and I like who you are.”

  I closed my eyes to keep the tears from forming. “I know you do, Jesse. Although I can’t figure out why the hell you do like me. Sometimes I think if you watched a movie of my life . . . The drinking. The drugs. The guys.” I swallowed the lump in my throat. I wouldn’t let the honesty run dry. “You’d run away screaming like everyone else has. You’d give up on me, too.”

  After a moment, Jesse sighed. “I don’t know what to be more sad about. That you feel this why about yourself, or that you have so little faith in me you think I’d leave if I knew every last detail about your past.” His head shook against my shoulder. “Would you leave me if you were able to know everything about my past?” He didn’t give me a chance to reply. “I know enough, Rowen. I know the woman you are now. I don’t need to know every dirty secret to make up my mind.”

  The theory of keeping my eyes closed to keep tears from forming was nice. It just wasn’t a factual theory. Jesse hadn’t even flinched at what I’d just said. He hadn’t run away screaming. He’d said some of the kindest things I’d heard. Words were just words, but not those ones. Jesse had proven those words before he’d said them. I’d just been blinded.

  “I don’t deserve you, Jesse,” I whispered, never knowing anything more true. “There’s nothing I ever could do to deserve you.”

  He bent his face into the curve of my neck. “We don’t deserve anything, Rowen. We don’t deserve punishment, we don’t deserve happiness, life owes us nothing. Realize that.” His voice wasn’t gentle anymore; it was as strong as I’d ever heard it. “So we have to take what we want because life sure as shit isn’t going to freely hand it over.” He kissed the skin just above my collar bone. “And I want you.”

  I wasn’t sure if his words or his touch affected me more, but everything inside of me, the ice, the walls, the fences, everything I’d built to protect myself crumbled. “I’m a huge failure. But I want to be better. You make me want to be better. I know you might disagree, but I know you deserve better.” Oh, God. I was a runaway train. After years of keeping it all shut inside, it was flooding out of me. “But I love you.” And there it was. Most vulnerable feeling ever. “I love you so much it scares me.”

  Jesse didn’t move, and again, he didn’t flinch. He just held me, almost like he knew I needed someone to help keep me together. “Are you done?”

  It seemed the flood had come to an end, for the moment, so I nodded.

  “Good,” he said, his breath warm against my neck. “Because I love you, too.”

  The first tear I’d cried in a long, long time leaked out and rolled down my cheek. I’d associated crying with sadness, so I’d avoided it. I didn’t need tears to remind me of pain. I hadn’t expected them to come with happiness.

  Happiness wasn’t exactly the right word, though. No word in my vocabulary bank quite worked. Whatever that emotion was, it was the best damn feeling I’d ever had. I wanted his love more than anyone’s . . . I had it.

  I didn’t know how to respond with words, so I used my actions. Twisting in his arms, I looked into the face of the guy I loved. I didn’t wipe away my tears because, right then, I didn’t mind being vulnerable.

  “Do I need another invitation if I want to kiss you again?”

  “No. You pretty much get to kiss me whenever you want now,” I said, forming my hands over the grooves of his shoulders.

  “Good to know.”

  Jesse might have been about to say something else, but he’d said everything he needed to. Everything.

  He liked the real Rowen Sterling. He even liked the one I pretended to be. My past and all the dark parts of it didn’t matter to him. He loved me.

  Oh, yeah. I felt the exact same way about him. In all regards.

  Nothing more needed to be said.

  My mouth crashed into his and took him by surprise. His shoulders tensed for the shortest moment. It took all of one heartbeat for my lips to melt his. Before long, I was struggling to match Jesse’s force and pace. He kissed me in long, hard pulls, literally leaving me breathless. His skin was hot and his shoulders rolled beneath my hands as his hands explored my body.

  He kept to the “safe” areas: my arms, my back, my hips. After a minute of that, I wanted him touching me in the not-so-safe areas. I wanted it so bad, I grabbed his hand from the small of my back and slid it around to my stomach. Weaving my fingers through his, I guided his hand up. Past my navel, over my ribs, until it covered my breast.

  Jesse’s shoulders tensed again and his mouth slowed its pace against mine. He didn’t seem uncomfortable, just unsure. His touch was hesitant at first as his hand moved over me. I left my hand over his, encouraging him as his exploration shifted away from hesitancy.

  When he didn’t obviously need any more help, my hand left his and wandered around his waist until my fingers slid over the deep groove running up the center of his back. It felt even better than it looked.

  My other hand curved around him, joining the first in its careful inspection of his back. When Jesse’s tongue journeyed into my mouth, twisting with mine, my touch instinctually deepened. My nails dug into his back, clawing their way down until they reached the hem of his sweats.

  Jesse groaned and pulled back. His smile went right back into place as his chest rose and fell quickly. “Are you doing this because I told you I love you, or do you just think I’m smokin’ hot and can’t help yourself?” As he inspected my face, his smile stretched higher. Whatever expression I wore had made him downright cocky. From the way I felt, I didn’t need to see a mirror to guess what my face looked like.

  He had a right to be cocky. He unraveled the parts of me I was familiar with and the parts I’d never even known were there.

  “Both,” I answered, pulling back just enough to do what I wanted to do next. I reached for the thin straps of my dress and slid each one from my shoulders. The best part of undressing while wearing a shift dress? Two straps moved a few inches over the shoulders, and the entire dress was in a bunch at my feet.

  Jesse swallowed.

  That made me smile. My fingers trembled over the clasp of my bra, but a couple seconds later, my bra joined the pile of clothes at my feet.

  My nipples were already hard from what we’d just been doing, but they hardened more still with the anticipation of what was to come.

  Jesse gulped.

  I smiled again. I was turning into a smiling fool around him. When my thumbs hitched beneath my lace panties, Jesse’s mouth opened, but no words came out. Since I’d never known a guy yet to call “Uncle” at that point in the strip tease, I slid my panties down my hips and past my knees. Once they’d dropped to my ankles, I stepped out of them and away from the rest of my clothing.

  Jesse’s eyes moved over me like his hands had at first, keeping to the safe zones, until they couldn’t seem to stay there any longer. His gaze lingered so long over certain areas, I almost started squirming. But I didn’t. I focused on his face, the wrinkles lining his forehead, his parted mouth breathing short, fast breaths, his eyes exploring me almost like he was worshipping me.

  It was the most intimate moment Jesse and I had shared. And he had yet to touch me.

  After a few more seconds, I took another step toward him. “So?” I lifted my hands at my sides.

  Jesse rubbed his forehead, staring at me like he was afraid to blink for fear of missing something. His mouth opened, but nothing came out. Again. He closed it and tried again. Still nothing.

  I’d struck the man mute.

  His mouth moved open again, and finally he managed, “Speechless,” sounding as breathless as he looked. “Obviously.”

  That look of sheer and utter surprise left his face when his eyes returned to mine. “Have I mentioned that I love you, Rowen Sterling?”

  “Yeah, you did.” I needed him
to touch me so badly it had become painful. “But you can say it as often as you like. I promise that I’ll never get tired of hearing it.”

  “Noted,” he said, moving toward me. His eyes never left mine, and between the emotion in them and the expression on his face, I was the one rendered speechless. When his hands curved over my lower back, they weren’t shaky the way mine were. His touch had a confidence and strength that made the whole area south of my navel tighten even more. His hands slid lower until his large hands covered my backside.

  My heart was beating so damn hard it vibrated my ear drums.

  “You’re so fucking beautiful,” Jesse whispered just outside my ear.

  I might have been in the heat of the moment, but his word choice still caught me by surprise. “Did you just say fuck?” I’d heard barely a handful of curses come out of Jesse’s mouth and none of them had included the pinnacle of curse words.

  “Yeah, that’s how damn adamant and passionate I am about how beautiful you are.” His expression was so serious I almost smiled.

  “Well thanks,” I said, running my hands down his stomach. “I’ll take ‘fucking beautiful’ as the highest form of praise.”

  He kissed the corner of my mouth gently and squeezed my backside not so gently. My breath came out all ragged. “If there’s a higher form of praise, I don’t know it,” he whispered, moving to the other corner of my mouth. A gentle kiss and a not-so-gentle squeeze.

  Oh, dear God. Ying and Yang really had it right when it came to intimate touch. Gentle, hard. Soft, rough.

  Since I knew I was nearing the point of being struck temporarily mute myself, I moved my hands down until they reached the top of his sweats. I was close enough to feel him ready to go, but one layer of fabric separated us.

  Not for long.

  He didn’t say anything or try to stop me when I slid his shorts over his backside and let them drop to the ground.

  Now Jesse’s ass . . . that was fucking beautiful. I didn’t have to see it sans clothes to know that; I could tell from touch alone.

  I pressed closer until I felt him hard against me. Breathing was becoming such a chore I needed to get horizontal before I passed out.

  Jesse’s chest rose hard and fast against mine. “Just because I told you I loved you, Rowen, doesn’t mean I expect sex two minutes after.” He lifted his hand to my face and smoothed his thumb down my cheek. “I’m not one of those guys who expect sex in exchange for love.”

  I kissed his palm. “I know that. Believe me, I know that. Even if you were one of those guys who expected sex in exchange for love, I’ve known plenty of others who expect it for much less.” The skin between his eyebrows came together, but his eyes stayed on mine. “I’m not going to have sex with you because I feel like I have to. I’m going to have sex with you because I want to.” I ran a finger down the line between his eyebrows, trying to erase it. “I appreciate you checking, but if you’re done playing the part of Mr. Chivalry, think you can hang up your moral high ground ways and rock my world?”

  “I had to check,” he replied before kissing my forehead. “I will most certainly try to . . . rock your world . . . but what I might lack in experience and skill, I can make up for with persistence and lots of practice.” His smile curved up higher on one side. “Lots of practice.”

  “I’m sure you’ve got plenty of skill, but I’m totally committed to the lots and lots of practice thing. Sounds good.” I winked at him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the mattress.

  I loved how I was about to make love to the guy of my dreams on a mattress on the floor of a drafty old farmhouse attic. It wasn’t exactly the stuff fairy tales were made of, but it was my tale. And I’d never envy that Cinderella chick again.

  “Before we get too comfortable,” I said, stopping at the edge of the mattress, “you better have your condoms handy. I won’t be able to take much more foreplay. Really. I’m close to going cross-eyed if we keep it up for much longer.”

  Jesse’s face went a little deer-in-the-headlights. I’d known plenty of guys who weren’t big fans of condoms because they were Grade A Dickheads, but Jesse wasn’t close to one of those guys. I knew that wasn’t why he’d gone a little blank when I mentioned bagging his boy.

  And then I realized another reason why his face might have dropped.

  “Please tell me you’ve got a condom.” Really, fate wouldn’t be that mean, right?

  He rubbed the back of his neck. Oh, hell no.

  I’d been on the pill since I turned thirteen. Mom was convinced that if I wasn’t already, I would be getting it on soon. It was good to know that, at least once in my life, I’d lived up to her expectations. However, I adhered to the two forms of contraception rule for a lot of reasons. Even though Jesse was the closest by a landslide to the only exception, I couldn’t. For his sake, for my sake, for the potential glimmer in our eyes’ sake.

  “Jesse?” I said slowly.

  He lifted his index finger. He twisted around and inspected his room as if it was a black hole. “I’ve got a box in here . . . somewhere.”

  I exhaled my relief.

  He bee lined for his dresser, so I made myself comfortable on his mattress and enjoyed the view. My God. That ass . . .

  He tore through the contents of the top drawer. Socks and undershirts parachuted to the floor. Apparently finding nothing, he moved on to the next drawer. Same thing, except for the jeans being tossed out of the drawer. He was frantically searching and I only let myself grin at his panic because he couldn’t see it.

  One more drawer to go.

  Jesse was the first guy I’d known who didn’t know exactly where his condoms were. Guys lived by them and died without them. Or at least their penises did. For Jesse to have no clue where his were led me to believe he was either absurdly absent-minded or hadn’t used them in a while.

  Since he and Josie had broken up six months ago and he had moved rooms for me, I supposed Jesse could have forgotten where he kept his stash.

  Rummaging through the third and final drawer, Jesse gave a victory cheer as he threw his hand up in the air. A box of condoms was clutched in his fist.

  I sighed again in relief.

  He headed back toward the mattress, a victorious smile on his face. I had a full-on, frontal view, so my gaze didn’t linger on his face.

  “Exactly where I forgot I left them.” He shook the box and opened it.

  Like, opened it for the first time.

  Something I’d never once considered entered my mind. “Jesse?” I said, sitting up. I felt a little deer-in-the-headlights.

  “Yeah?” he replied as he fumbled with the box.

  “You’re not a”—I fumbled to get the word out—“ . . . virgin . . . are you?” Please, please, please say he wasn’t.

  He stopped fumbling with the box. My stomach dropped.

  “Define virgin,” he said slowly.

  My hand covered my mouth. No way. No. Way.

  “But you and Josie were together for so long . . .” I was sure I was missing something. “I mean, the two of you never . . . like never . . .”

  He shook his head once. “Nope. We never . . or never had sex.”

  There was only one question to ask. “Why?”

  It wasn’t because I was judging him because of it; I just couldn’t conceive of it. The oldest virgin I’d ever met was a seventeen-year-old. Never would I have guessed the god in human form Jesse Walker, a nineteen-year-old all-man guy, would be one.

  Jesse sat down on the edge of the mattress and dropped his hand over my knee. “Josie and I got together when we were young. In a small town where everyone knows everyone else, you don’t sleep with a girl you’re not intending to marry unless you want her dad coming after you with a shotgun. I wasn’t sure I was ready to make either kind of commitment to Josie back then, and after that, we just sort of kept with the same kind of routine when it came to the physical part of our relationship.” He lifted his shoulders. “I guess neither of us were ready to make th
at kind of commitment.”

  Commitment and love. Sex as the added bonus. I wasn’t familiar with that equation. I had been so sure it was a bold-faced lie. Yet there it was, love, commitment, and the added bonus, sitting beside me.

  Had anything I’d known of life up until that summer been true?

  “Jesse,”—I rested my hand on his—“I’m not a virgin, you know. I haven’t been one in a long time.”

  “I know.” He nodded.

  I bit my lip and looked him in the eyes. “Are you sure you want your first time to be with me?” If I could have gone back in time and changed everything—said no to all the boys and waited for a night with Jesse Walker—I would have done it. I wouldn’t have needed a second to consider.

  “Rowen—”

  I shook my head. I didn’t want to talk around the topic or have him sugar-coat anything. I wanted the truth, cold and hard if that’s what it was.

  “Are. You. Sure?”

  Jesse scooted closer until his face was just a few inches from mine. Both of his hands moved to my face and those eyes of his blazed into mine. “I’m sure.” If the conviction in his words didn’t prove it, his expression did. “I love you, and I’m sure, Rowen. Now, why don’t you help me figure out how that whole rocking-your-world thing works?”

  I grinned again. Frowning was impossible when Jesse beamed at me that way. “There’ll be a lot of hands-on coaching,” I said, leaning closer until I almost tasted the salt on his skin. “But I promise to return the favor.” When my mouth pressed into the base of his neck, Jesse’s skin erupted with goosebumps.

  “I’m fully committed to this whole endeavor,” he said, his voice rough.

  “Good,” I whispered against his skin. Grabbing hold of his arms, I drew him closer. “Then get over here and make love to me.”

  Jesse shifted, and then he was pressing into me, laying me back onto the mattress. His arm wound around my back and the other traveled down my hip, winding around to my backside. His mouth covered mine as he lowered himself onto me. He didn’t crush all of his weight against me. I saw the strain in his shoulders from holding his weight.