Crushed

  They hug when they leave and it’s a lingering hug, one that sends scalding tendrils of anger spiraling through my gut.

  Maybe Amelia is right.

  Maybe Seth and Selena are…

  Damn.

  Chapter Six

  Selena

  It was Seth’s idea to invite Jackson for dinner. He said that breaking the news in front of close friends that are happy for him will help Jackson better digest the news. That was after Seth scolded me when I admitted to tricking Jackson into having unprotected sex. On one hand, he believes Jackson and I aren’t ready for a kid—and maybe he’s right. However, on the other, Seth thinks Jackson will be delighted with the news. He’s always wanted children—until Amelia took his first from him. Seth told me it’s not that Jackson was upset that Amelia wasn’t ready for a baby and decided to terminate. He was upset because children had always been a topic of conversation for them and he thought it was a sure thing. Amelia’s refusal to talk to him about her decision was his undoing…

  …which makes me no better than her.

  Lunch was hard. It was even harder since Olivia canceled at the last second. Seth and I aren’t known for getting along most of the time, so the thought of coming clean to him without Olivia’s backing almost sent me into a full-blown panic attack, but he took it better than I expected, and even offered his support. At this point, what more can I ask from him?

  “He’ll be here.” Olivia puts her hand over mine, pulling me from my consuming thoughts.

  I don’t even know if Jackson is going to come to dinner. He hasn’t responded to anyone’s texts or answered anyone’s calls. We’re sitting around my dining table, waiting. The only person eating the roast is Chloe. Seth, Olivia, and I look at her as she sighs. Chloe pauses with half a potato hanging out of her mouth, realizing all the attention is on her. I laugh first, mostly because she has gravy across her forehead, then Seth and Olivia join in, followed finally by Chloe, who has no idea why we’re laughing at her in the first place.

  God, the food smells amazing. I haven’t eaten all day. Even at lunch. I just haven’t had the stomach for it. Now, though, I could devour an entire horse.

  “Let’s eat,” I say, smoothing the palms of my hands down the thighs of my long, flowy skirt. “The food will get cold if we wait any longer.”

  Olivia turns her sad stare on me—so does Seth—and I reach for the potatoes. Why are they surprised? Jackson has always been difficult. It’s just the way he is.

  Knock. Knock.

  My heart plummets. I still as tension seeps into the air. It’s thick, tightening my chest. I peer at Seth and I must look distressed because he flashes me his palm.

  “It’s all right,” he says with a shrug. “Don’t panic.”

  “Are you sure we should do this over dinner?” I whisper, pushing a loose lock of blonde hair out of my face. Suddenly, this doesn’t seem like a good idea.

  “Yeah. I’m sure.” He pushes his chair back. “I’ll get the door.”

  “No. I’ll get it.” Olivia tightens her long, chocolate ponytail before she slips from her chair and leaves the dining room.

  I inhale through my nose and blow it out through my mouth. I desperately wish for it to calm my racing heart, but it doesn’t. Nothing will. I will live with this heavy ball of stress until I tell him what I’ve done.

  On second thought, maybe this is a conversation I should have with Jackson in private…

  “Relax,” Seth murmurs, grabbing Chloe’s purple sippy cup. He pushes it toward her. “It’ll be all right.”

  Not a moment later, Olivia re-enters the dining room, her face soft and regretful. She grabs my attention for a brief second until the man of the hour comes in behind her, looking as tall and as broad as ever. I almost shrink in my seat at the sight of his scowl. He traps me in it and everything else fades away. He’s mad. Why wouldn’t he be? I’ve been avoiding him for ages.

  My heart pounds relentlessly against my ribs and only the soft touch of Olivia’s hand on my shoulder as she slips behind me is enough to pull me from his arresting magnetism. I drop my gaze to my empty plate as Jackson pulls out the chair beside Seth and sits down.

  “It’s about time you showed up,” Seth states, reaching across the table to scoop roast potatoes onto Olivia’s plate.

  “I was busy.”

  “Too busy to call us back?”

  I swallow hard as Jackson flicks his dangerous stare to me. My chest tightens. I’ve missed him so much I didn’t even realize. I just want him to scoop me up into his giant arms and squeeze me until I pop. “I guess so.”

  Silence falls. Cutlery clashing against porcelain and Chloe cooing at her food are the only sounds to be heard. I’m uncomfortable. Everything about this dinner is putting me on edge. This isn’t how I imagined this dinner going. If I feel this bent out of shape, I wonder how Jackson feels? He doesn’t look happy, that’s for sure.

  At some point, we all end up with food on our plates. Olivia has done an incredible job on the lamb, and Seth, apparently, is an expert at cooking roast vegetables. I wonder how dinner goes at their house. Do they cook together? Is it warm and loving? Chloe is being raised in such a beautiful home and I want that for my baby too.

  I’m going to have to learn how to cook before this baby is old enough to eat real food. I think I’m more afraid of that than I am of changing diapers.

  Long, painful minutes pass—they’re worse than the sound of nails on a chalkboard. I think I’m going to be the first to crack under the pressure until Jackson tosses his fork against his plate, cursing under his breath. I flinch at the sound of his metal fork as it hits the porcelain and slides.

  “Is there a problem?” I dare ask and he cuts his eyes at me.

  “Yeah, there’s a problem. Are you two going to tell Olivia, or should I?”

  I frown. “Tell Olivia what?”

  “That it never ended with a kiss between you two.” He points a straight, accusing finger between Seth and I. I gasp, my cheeks bursting into flames.

  “What?”

  Heat creeps up the back of my neck and my womb tightens painfully. Is he insinuating that—

  “Don’t play dumb. I saw you two today.”

  Oh. I lower my fork. “Jackson, maybe we should—”

  “Tell her,” he cuts in, the look on his face contorted, as if I’m the most disgusting thing he has ever seen. “Or I will.”

  “You are an idiot,” Olivia mutters under her breath to him, swiping her hands over her face.

  Exhaling, she reaches for her glass of wine and swallows a large mouthful.

  “I know you’re pregnant, Selena! And I know it’s not mine.”

  I flinch, and my chair scrapes against the white tiles as I stand up. “Not yours? Who else could it—” I grimace as realization sets in. “You think…that I would…with Seth…”

  Tears well in my eyes. I made a mistake once. I wasn’t myself when we were in Vegas. I was caught up in Seth’s childish mood, desperate to make Jackson jealous. In doing so, I allowed myself to be a pawn in one of Seth’s revenge games against Don Russell. A kiss was shared. A simple kiss that has haunted me since it happened. It meant nothing to me and it meant nothing to Seth. I mean, Jackson was there, for crying out loud! I would never hurt Olivia. Not ever. And for him to insinuate that I would ever be so intimate with Seth—with a married man, no less—is so, so hurtful. Is that how little he thinks of me? I’ve never been good, but I’m not a bad person. Not by any means.

  “You can’t deny it, Selena. You were buying pregnancy vitamins and—”

  “How do you know that?” I cut in, shifting my weight onto my left leg.

  “Amelia said—”

  Jackson’s angry eyes widen with regret. Mine with shock. Amelia. Of course, he’s talking to her. Only she could conjure up such a sick rumor.

  “You are an idiot!” Seth snaps, shoving his plate. Chloe startles at the sound of the clash and reaches out for Olivia with a choked cry. “Ameli
a is full of shit. The baby is yours, not mine, asshole.”

  I press my hand to my stomach, swallowing hard to prevent bile from rising. I don’t want to be here. Not with him. “I have to go.”

  Olivia is already wiping Chloe down. “We’ll go too. You can stay at our place tonight, Sel.”

  As I leave the dining room, I hear Seth tell Olivia to put Chloe in the car and that he’ll be out soon.

  “Why are you running from me, Selena?” Jackson shouts. “I’m not going to chase you. I’m tired of chasing you!”

  Olivia consoles a confused Chloe as we hurry through the sitting room and exit the house. Behind us, there are clashes of cutlery and smashes of plates. I hug myself, desperate to get away from the distressing sounds, as tears well in my eyes. I expected Jackson to be confused, and I expected him to be a little irritated, but I never, ever expected him to think the baby was Seth’s. How could he?

  I lean against the side of their car as Olivia clips Chloe into her seat. She’s barely done convincing Chloe to stop crying when Seth storms from my place, his shoulders square, his fists clenched. I push off the car as he approaches and in the streetlight, blood shines along his cheek.

  I wince. “I’m sorry—”

  “Don’t be sorry,” Seth snaps, swiping at his face. “It’s not your fault he’s a fucking lunatic. Get in the car.”

  I do as I’m told and Chloe stops complaining about being put into her car seat the second I slip in next to her. Tears gone, she smiles at me and holds out her hand. I take it and bring it to my lips. She giggles as I plant three soft kisses on the back of her pudgy hand. I catch a small piece of potato on the corner of my lip as Olivia closes the door, and I quickly swipe it away.

  “Yucky,” Chloe says, screwing up her face.

  I smile through tears that drip over. “Yeah. Yucky.”

  Sighing, I rest my head against her car seat and let her play with my hair, potato be damned. Olivia and Seth chat quietly outside the car for a brief second. He kisses her gently and they hug. They’ve got it good. If only I could sort my shit out and find someone who isn’t as batshit crazy as Jackson Quinn.

  When they’re in the car and we’re driving away from my place, Olivia puts her hand on Seth’s thigh and he takes it in his. He glances sideways at her briefly before lifting her hand and kissing her fingertips.

  “Sorry,” he grumbles. “It was a bad idea.”

  “You tried to help.” Her lips quirk. “I love you even more for that.”

  Seth sheepishly shrugs it off, glancing sideways at her before pushing on his rearview mirror and looking at me. “He’ll come around. He’ll be begging for your forgiveness by tomorrow. I guarantee it.”

  “And if I don’t want him to?”

  “He’s not a bad guy, Selena. He’s just…” Seth clicks his teeth. “Misguided.”

  “Misguided?” I snort. “Yeah. Right.”

  “You can stay with us for as long as you need to. We have plenty of room.”

  I frown. Is Seth seriously offering to let me to stay at their place? Seth doesn’t hate me, but I know he can only put up with me in small doses, so either Olivia isn’t putting out and he’s trying desperately to get some, or he recently underwent a lobotomy.

  “Um.” I clear my throat. “Thanks.”

  Olivia beams beautifully over her shoulder at me…

  …and I have never been more thankful to have her in my life.

  Chapter Seven

  Jackson

  I’m an idiot.

  I slump against the wall in a kitchen that isn’t mine, on top of food I didn’t cook. I ignore the way my ribs ache and my jaw throbs, the aftermath of Seth’s fists. Can’t blame him, I suppose. I hit him first, out of aggression and jealousy—an uncontrollable jealousy—and he put me in my place. Truth be told, I’m in such a fucked up place and I don’t know how I got here.

  A sudden, sharp ache under my ribcage forces me to hunch over and I catch myself on my knees. How long has it been since I’ve flown off the handle like that? Now my head is clearer, I can see how ridiculous I sounded. How could I let Amelia get to me so easily? Like old times, she warped my way of thinking and I reacted irrationally…toward my own friends, like I did with my family the first time I got involved with her. I pushed my family away and have regretted every moment since. I don’t want to do that again. Without Seth or Selena, I have nothing. I don’t know where to start to make it better—or if I even can. Selena probably won’t speak to me again, and I don’t blame her.

  I press my back against the wall and hang my head. Right on time, my cellphone buzzes in my pocket. I rush to answer it, only to deflate with disappointment when Amelia’s name flashes on my screen. How many times a day is she going to call me? I snap the phone to my ear, blowing air out of my nose as anger swells in my chest.

  “You’ve got some nerve calling me,” I say, my voice as calm as the eye of a storm. “You lied to me. You’re lucky you’re not here right now or I would—”

  “—you’d what? I’m not scared of you, Jackson Quinn. You can’t hurt me. Even if you wanted to.” A soft chuckle ends her sentence. “Besides, I didn’t tell you to act on it. I just put two and two together and presented my case. How you reacted to the information I gave you is your business, not mine.”

  I grit my teeth. She’s always been good at avoiding responsibility. Selena avoids responsibility too, but not like Amelia. No one does it quite like her.

  “You make me sick,” I tell her. “You instigated this from the beginning. I never should have believed you, and because of you I’ve ruined everything.”

  Again, she chuckles softly. “What’s new, Jackie?”

  And she ends the call. I drop my arm, exhaling heavily. I can’t do this. I can’t work for her. To surround myself with someone as cold and as vindictive as Amelia is absolute torture. I don’t know what I ever saw in her. I don’t know how I lasted as long as I did with her.

  I shuffle across the kitchen floor to the long cupboard on the other side. From it, I grab the broom and the mop and get started on cleaning up the kitchen. I hate that this will be the memory of finding out that I’m going to be a father. There’s no saving the dinner. There’s no retake of this night. My only option is to make it better from here. After I clean this mess, I need to see Selena. I need the chance to explain myself. She can’t keep me at arm’s length anymore. I won’t let her. I know I have a lot to make up for.

  Selena is pregnant.

  The corners of my lips twitch, forcing my lips to curve into a smile. She’s carrying my baby. Mine.

  And she wants to keep it.

  ***

  Seth’s house has always been a sanctuary to me. Whenever life got too much, I knew I always had a place I could go to get away from whatever was chasing me. I’ve never trembled with nervousness as I sat in his driveway, not until now. Seth’s house has a different feel these days. It’s not a place I can just show up to anymore. His house’s purpose is to shield his family now, not nurture his self-destructive friends.

  I turn off my car and rest against the seat, staring up at the dark, still house. In there, somewhere, is Selena. She’s probably angry. Sad. She’s probably deleting my number from her phone and all of the pictures we’ve taken together.

  Have I made her cry herself to sleep for the umpteenth time? God. I hope not. Selena has forgiven me for every wrong thing I have done to her, but even I can’t help but wonder if I’ve reached a limit. I heard some women go crazy when they’re pregnant. Their maternal instincts kick in and suddenly they can smell a douchebag from a mile away. Is me sitting in the drive making her nose twitch?

  Exhaling, I pull my keys out of the ignition and exit the car. The neighborhood is still and quiet, normal for a community of a higher social class, I suppose. Even Selena’s neighborhood is quiet. Where I live, it seems nobody sleeps most nights. Not the rats nor the homeless. The kicker? My apartment isn’t even in the worst part of town.

  The air is
crisp up here on the hill. Winter is definitely closing in on Portland.

  I move to my back door and open it, reaching in for the black hoodie on my seat. It smells clean, like the rest of me. Fortunately, I had some clothes stashed at Selena’s house and took the liberty to shower. After two hours of cleaning, I needed one. I smelled like I’d spent the whole day in the gym.

  I pull the hoodie over my head and push my arms into the sleeves before stuffing my hands into the pockets of my jeans.

  I’m nervous. My heart pounds in my chest, harder than it has at the beginning of any fight. This time, my opponent is a girl I love more than anything in the world. She is my greatest achievement and my most terrifying rival. She’s the only person I know who can completely knock me off my feet and shatter my entire world. Tonight is the night I stop treating her like an enemy, like she’s standing across the cage from me, and start treating her like she’s sitting in my corner.

  Because she is. She’s in my corner. Always.

  I stroll up the path and make my way toward the front door. By the bottom step, I kick something. It giggles and vibrates against the dark stone. I startle at the sound, mostly because it sounds like the climax of a horror movie, and also because, on this quiet street, it’s as loud as a jetliner. Thankfully, it doesn’t last long. Its batteries fade and die before I bend to pick it up.

  Raking my fingers through my hair, I climb the steps and knock on the door. I admit it’s a shitty knock, one I barely heard myself, but the door opens regardless. I set Chloe’s toy down to the side of the mat and straighten my spine.

  “I was wondering when you’d show up,” Seth grumbles, lifting a beer to his mouth. He swallows a mouthful and tilts his head.

  “Is there a reason why you answered the door without a shirt?” I ask, glancing away from him.

  Seth peers down at his bare chest with a shrug. “Beer makes me hot.”