Love Me

  She'd been giving, too. Selfless in her passion.

  And so damn sweet, he hadn't ever wanted to let her go.

  Eileen sighed loudly. "That may well be the case, and I hate having to do this, Luke, but someone has to unplug you from the operating table, because you're clearly not going to do it yourself."

  Luke stood up to argue his case, but Eileen waved him back down. "I know you're going to say that they need you--"

  "They do."

  "--and that you feel fine--"

  "I do. I'm fine, Eileen." He held out his hands. "They're not shaking. I'm not seeing double. Or hallucinating. I don't have any signs of sleep deprivation. I've been working this way for years, and I'm responsible for saving more lives than anyone in this hospital, so I appreciate your concern but--"

  She cut him off. "I know what happened last night, that Robert had to take over for you. And before you start beating yourself up over it, I want you to know I've seen it happen to all of the best doctors. So I'm not at all concerned about your patients, Luke. I'm concerned about you. You need some time off. To rejuvenate. To have some fun." Looking down at the papers on her desk she said, "You'll be taking the next four weeks off."

  Four weeks? Fuck, no. How was he supposed to make it through the next twenty-four hours without his job to fall back on? Between what had happened in the ER and what had happened with Janica, he was as screwed in the head - and the heart - as he'd ever been.

  "One week," he countered.

  "We don't want you to set foot in the hospital for four weeks, Luke," she said firmly, the handed him his walking papers.

  The words swam before him. Mental health break.

  They thought he was going nuts.

  And given that he'd spent the night trying to fuck his sister-in-law's brains out, but making love to her instead, maybe he had.

  "The Big Sur cabin is open this time of year. It's yours. A few weeks on the ocean is going to work wonders for you. I'm sure of it."

  Thirty minutes later, Luke was still fuming. There's nothing wrong with my mental health, he thought as he burned up the road beneath his tires, driving Highway 1 south too fast considering his lack of sleep. And yet, he was completely off kilter, utterly unprepared for the weeks that stretched before him.

  With every mile he covered, Eileen's parting words came at him: "You don't have to save everyone, Luke. Nobody can. And that's okay."

  But she was wrong.

  He did.

  Because he hadn't been able to save the one person he'd loved the most.

  Chapter Nine

  Janica rang Lily's doorbell, but knowing the neighborhood was so safe they rarely locked the front door, she didn't wait for anyone to let her in.

  Violet, Lily's four year-old daughter, came barreling around the corner. "Auntie Jan!" She tackled Janica in a bear hug around her legs, then yelled, "You're it," and ran away as fast as her small legs could take her.

  Janica grinned. Damn, she loved that kid. A perfect cross between Lily's soft beauty and Travis's ridiculously masculine good looks, Violet was a stunner. Better still, she was funny. And bright as the sun.

  Lily was kneeling in the kitchen with full grocery bags all around her feet as she consoled her crying son. Sam was almost two-and-a-half and about a hundred times more sensitive than his big sister. He was also crazy cute. Cover-of-a-kid's-magazine cute.

  Hoping to distract him from whatever was the matter, Janica called out, "Sammy!"

  His eyes still wet, he looked up from his mother's shoulder and in an instant his wobbling cheeks shifted into a wide smile.

  "Hey, baby boy," she said as Lily gratefully moved aside to let her pick him up.

  Happily going into her arms, he made a stern face. "I'm not a baby."

  "I know," she said. "You're a big boy." She pretended she was going to drop under his weight. "A huge boy. Have you been eating bricks again?"

  "That would make my teeth break, silly!" he crowed, happy to let her know just how wrong she was, just like his father--and his uncle--were so happy to do all the time.

  Carson men. They were all alike.

  Too damn cute to stay away from, but completely and utterly full of themselves.

  "You're it! You're it!" Violet yelled as she ran by.

  "Okay. I'm just going to tell Sammy a secret first," Janica said.

  Violet's eyes got really big. Forgetting all about her game of tag, she ran over. "What is it?"

  "I need to talk to your mommy for a few minutes and then when we're done I'm taking everyone for cupcakes."

  Lily's little boy all but jumped out of her arms to do a happy cupcake dance with his sister.

  "I want to go right now!" he demanded.

  Carson boys and their demands.

  Come here.

  I want you naked.

  Get on your knees.

  Use your mouth.

  She shivered at the still-potent memories of the previous night and Lily looked at her with concern.

  "Jan, honey, are you okay?"

  Working to push Luke out of her head for five seconds, Janica smiled at the kids and pointed to the clock on the kitchen wall. "When the little arm is pointing at the 6, we'll go. Violet, you know how to tell time, don't you?"

  Violet puffed up her chest. "Of course I do." And then she grabbed her brother's arm and said, "Let's go play bakery in my room until it's time to go. You can make me cupcakes and I can eat them."

  Stepping over grocery bags, Lily hugged her quickly, then pulled her over to one of the bar stools tucked under the granite-topped island.

  "What's wrong?"

  Oh crap. Why had she come here? What was she thinking? Lily was going to kill her. Or Luke. Either way, her big sister was going to be worried sick over the whole situation.

  But the thing was, even though Janica knew all those things, she had to talk to someone about what had happened. She needed her best friend. Who just so happened to be Luke's best friend too.

  "Something happened last night."

  Lily's worried look morphed into pure fear. "Are you okay?"

  Janica wanted to nod, tried to say yes, but the truth was she wasn't sure she actually was okay. Luke had rocked her world so hard she hadn't just seen stars, she'd actually felt like a human kaleidoscope shifting form again and again, from formations of pinks to purples and reds, yellows and oranges, blues and greens. Her orgasm had gone on and on as if it would never end, one easily turning to two beneath his beautifully out-of-control onslaught. And for a moment she'd felt special. Cherished.

  But then he'd left, at least as cold as he'd ever been to her.

  Colder, even.

  "Oh my God, Jan, if someone hurt you we need to go to the pol--"

  Janica quickly cut her off. "No, it's nothing like that." She paused, took a deep breath, knew she needed to spit it out already before Lily had the chief of police on the line.

  "Luke came over."

  Lily frowned. "Luke came over?"

  Janica nodded.

  Lily cocked her head to the side, still clearly confused by what Luke had to do with anything. And then, suddenly, her eyes went big.

  "Luke came over," Lily said again, more slowly this time, as if her brain was too busy working out the ramifications of everything to be able to change the words into anything else.

  Jumping straight over the inevitable question--did you sleep with him?--Janica gave her sister the answer with another nod.

  At which point Lily's eyes grew even huger and her cheeks flushed, her mouth opening and shutting a couple of times without any words coming out.

  Janica was glad for her sister's loss for words because it meant that she could spit out the rest of it as quickly as possible.

  "The thing is, apart from the obvious, I did something really stupid."

  Shaking herself out of her shock, Lily put her warm hands over Janica's cold ones. "Okay, so you slept with Luke. I know it's a big deal. A huge deal. But that doesn't mean it was stupid, Jan
."

  If only sex was all there was to it.

  I love you, Luke. I love you so much.

  How could she have said those things to him?

  How could she have even thought them?

  Or dared to feel them in the first place?

  "It was beyond stupid," Janica insisted.

  "I'm sure he's safe," Lily said softly, totally misunderstanding her comment.

  "No, we used protection," Janica told her. "That's not the problem."

  "Then what is it?"

  She took a very shaky breath, before saying, "I told him I loved him."

  The silence between the sisters was heavy. Finally, Lily whispered, "Oh, Janica," then hugged her close.

  Her sister's pity made her feel a hundred times worse. As if it was starkly obvious to every last person on earth that there was no point in Janica loving Luke because they could never end up together.

  "What did he say?"

  Janica shook her head. He hadn't said anything. But she remembered the way his eyes had looked right after she'd said it.

  Like he couldn't take it in. Not just because he hadn't been expecting her to say it.

  But because he didn't want her to.

  Lily's voice was gentle as she asked, "How long have you felt that way?"

  Janica shrugged, not wanting to have to admit to either Lily or herself that her feelings were real. "It was really great sex."

  But Lily wasn't buying it. "How many other times have you declared your love to someone you've slept with?"

  Janica hated to say it. "Never."

  "Do you want me to talk to him?"

  "No! Absolutely not!" Janica shook her head hard. "All I want to do is forget it ever happened."

  A lightning bolt coming through the roof to strike her dead just then wouldn't have surprised her in the least. Not when she'd just told the world's hugest lie.

  Because she never wanted to forget her night with Luke. Lying beneath him, his hard heat filling her body and soul, his mouth on hers. It had been the most perfect night of her life. So perfect that she hadn't been able to stop three horrible words from spilling out of her lips. More than once.

  "Somehow, honey, I don't think that's going to work. He's Travis's brother. Odds are, you're going to have to see him again pretty soon."

  Janica put her face in her hands. "I know. I'm so screwed."

  Lily got up from the stool and started pacing. "No, I refuse to believe that. In fact, maybe it's a good thing this happened. You know, for the two of you to finally get your feelings for each other out in the open."

  Janica looked up from her hands. "Hate to break it to you, Lils, but not everyone gets the fairy tale like you did."

  But Lily's eyes were already bright with plans and hopes. "You're amazing. You love him. He's got to know how lucky he is. He's got to. He probably just needs some time to get used to the idea of being a part of a couple."

  If ever there was a perfect moment for an eye roll, this was it. "Even for you, big sister, that is a shockingly misplaced vote of confidence. Do you really for one second think Luke wants my love? That he could even consider being with someone like me?"

  Lily immediately got angry. "Don't you dare talk about yourself like that. He'd be the luckiest guy on earth to have you."

  Deciding they were officially way past the eye roll, Janica simply sighed. "So in your version of reality the type A surgeon has always wanted a wild clothing designer to be his one and only?"

  "He showed up at your apartment last night, didn't he?" When Janica nodded, Lily asked, "Has he ever come by before?"

  "No. Not since that time you and Travis left for Italy and ended up getting married."

  Five years ago, Janica and Luke had concocted a plan to make sure Lily and Travis, who clearly belonged together, didn't screw things up. It was the last time she'd ever really sat down and talked with Luke. Including last night, when words hadn't been necessary.

  "He must have told you why he showed up."

  "Nope."

  "And you didn't ask him?"

  "There wasn't exactly room for a lot of questions."

  Lily pretended to put her hands over her ears. "I'm not sure I can listen to any more of the details."

  Janica leaned forward on the counter and said in a hushed tone, "Well first he--"

  At Lily's horrified look she started laughing, incredibly glad for the chance to feel some lightness for just a few moments. "Just kidding. You know I don't kiss and tell."

  "Who's the lucky guy this time?" Travis said, walking in at the tail end of her sentence, carrying a basketball.

  Lily simply lit up when she saw her husband. Janica was momentarily forgotten as Travis and Lily put their arms around each other and kissed. A little while later, Lily shot her a questioning look.

  No! Janica shot back silently.

  All she needed was for Travis to find out about her and Luke. Wouldn't he just love that?

  She'd never ever--ever!--hear the end of it from her pain-in-the-ass brother-in-law.

  The kids came barreling into the kitchen a second later. "Daddy! Auntie Jan is taking us for cupcakes!" Violet yelled as he squatted down and she threw herself into his arms.

  Sammy was right behind her. "Cupcakes! Cupcakes!"

  After telling them how excited he was about their good fortune, he shot Janica a scowl. "Nothing like a bunch of sugar to really make things easy on their parents."

  "You're welcome," she said with an unapologetic smile she knew would really irk her sister's husband.

  Lily looked at the clock on the kitchen wall and frowned. "I thought you and Luke were meeting to play basketball?"

  "He stood me up so I picked up a quick game with a couple of guys already there."

  Lily glanced at Janica. "Is something wrong with Luke that you haven't told me?"

  Travis didn't look at all concerned as he opened the fridge and got out a bottle of orange juice. "He probably got called into the ER. You know how nuts his schedule is."

  As soon as he left to take a shower, Lily grabbed the phone. "I've got to talk to Luke, make sure he's okay."

  Janica leapt up to grab the phone out of Lily's hand. "No. Please. This is already so embarrassing. If you call him, you'll end up saying something about me. I know you will."

  "I promise I won't, Jan, but he's my best friend. I have to find out what's going on."

  Less than a minute later, Lily put the phone back down on the counter. "He didn't answer at home or at work. And his cell phone said his voice mail is full. This isn't like him, Jan."

  Janica already knew that. Clearly, the only reason why he'd come over to her place was because something was very, very wrong. But the sex had been too all-consuming for her to even begin to ask him any questions.

  And he'd gotten the hell out of there before she could.

  Lily wasn't the only one worried about Luke.

  Because even though he'd walked out on her, Janica was too.

  And no matter how tempting it was to try and pretend nothing with Luke had ever happened, she knew she couldn't pull it off.

  Not when taking risks was what Janica did.

  Not when, despite knowing better, despite the fact that her heart was only going to keep breaking apart, the truth was as simple as it came.

  She really was in love with him.

  Head over fucking heels.

  "Violet. Sam. Let's go get cupcakes." The kids ran back into the room. "I'll bring them back when they're full to the brim with cake and frosting," she told her sister.

  And then, she was going to go find Luke.

  To find out what the hell was going on.

  Chapter Ten

  Now she knew something was really wrong. Luke didn't take vacations. He worked.

  Janica was a bit of a workaholic herself, so she got late nights and working through the weekend. But she also knew how to have fun. How to completely let go and forget everything except a good time.

  The drive out to
Big Sur was stunningly beautiful. She tried to picture Luke sitting in an oceanfront cabin, doing nothing but looking out at the waves.

  He must be going crazy.

  It hadn't been hard to find out where he was. She'd simply gone to the hospital and told a couple of doctors that she needed to talk to Luke Carson immediately. At first they had been cagey with her, until she told them that she was his sister-in-law. Perhaps it hadn't been right for her to make them assume it was a family emergency, but in a way, wasn't it? After all, she and Luke were family.

  And in her worst moments since he'd left in the middle of the night, everything had kind of felt like an emergency.

  Following the directions she'd been given, she turned off Highway 1 onto a narrow gravel driveway. It wound up the mountain, then over the peak and down the other side. Blue water sparkled at her through the thick cypress trees.

  She could easily imagine sitting out on one of the bluffs with her sketchpad. Already, she could see a new line of printed fabrics in greens and blues. But she wasn't here to work on new designs.

  She was here for Luke.

  And, if she was being completely honest, for herself too. Because if there was any chance that things could actually go somewhere between the two of them-No. She couldn't go there. She shouldn't go there. Not when she knew better.

  Didn't she?

  Inner turmoil roiled inside her as she pulled in behind Luke's car in the tiny gravel parking lot. Stepping out of the car, she forced herself to take a moment to breathe in the sweet-smelling ocean air.

  No one had ever called Janica stupid, and they weren't about to now. She knew exactly what she was walking into.

  Luke was going to hate that she was here. He was going to hate that she knew something had gone wrong for him at the hospital. And odds were pretty damn high that he was going to take it out on her.

  The question was, how?

  Standing alone in the trees, looking out on the water, she smiled. Despite her nerves, the adventurous part of her was looking forward to seeing what he would do--and if they would end up together in bed again.

  Walking around the side of the cabin, she saw stairs that led to a front porch. Never one to back down from a challenge, she squared her shoulders, lifted her chin, and headed up. The deck chairs and dining table were all empty, but the door was wide open. Almost as if Luke couldn't be bothered even to shut it.

  Her heart racing with anticipation simply at the thought of seeing him again, she made her way across the deck to the doorway. He was sitting in the only chair that faced away from the ocean. And it looked like he had a half-empty bottle of tequila in his hands.