Untamed

  “You don’t follow entertainment news at all, do you?”

  I shrugged, even though he couldn’t see me. With people giving me shit about leaving the band, then all the rumors floating around about the TV show—rumors I didn’t want to deal with right now—I sort of avoided everything. It was strange for me, since before all this I’d Googled my name daily. “No.”

  Denny sighed again. “Well, let’s just say, between Matt and the fans, finding a replacement bassist has been challenging. At this rate, there might not ever be another album.”

  Surprise washed over me, followed very closely by an uncomfortable feeling that was akin to having a knife in my gut being twisted around in a circle. I shoved the sensation to the very back of my brain. Their problems weren’t mine, and I didn’t have time to dwell on them. Hardening my stomach, I told him, “Well, good. You’ll have more time to represent me then.”

  He scoffed at my answer. “That’s all you have to say? Good? They’re floundering, and you don’t care? These guys have been your friends—your family—since day one, Griffin.”

  Matt’s words pounded around my brain—You’re dead to me. “No. We’re not like that anymore, and I don’t have to give a shit now. Are you gonna represent me or not?”

  His answer was quiet but firm. “No…Abby and I won’t represent you, Griffin. You’re on your own.”

  “Fine,” I said, hanging up the phone. I preferred being on my own anyway.

  That evening, Anna and I were in our bedroom getting ready for dinner; my parents were coming over with Chelsey and the girls. Anna was pulling up a pair of lacy tights, while I was still sitting on our bed, naked. How Anna could look at me without jumping me was impressive. I would have caved ages ago.

  “So,” she said, giving me a coy look. “I don’t mean to badger you, but I heard another rumor about the show today…and this time it was from one of the cast members. Cole, I think? Rumor is he’s working on a movie right now…I even saw pictures.” She twisted her brows in confusion.

  My muscles all clenched and my face felt on fire, like someone had just set a torch over me; I got this way whenever Anna brought up the show, when I was reminded of the monumental lie I was nearly drowning in, it was so deep around me. What would she believe? “Oh, yeah, that fucker left a few weeks ago. They killed his character off…that episode is going to blow people’s minds.” My aptitude at lying was blowing my mind, and sickening my stomach. But it was just a little longer, and then I could come clean. Once I was firmly on the path to success again, with no chance of failing, then I could tell her absolutely everything.

  Pulling the tights over her bright red underwear, she showed me her ass before adjusting her skirt. I instantly felt a little better. Do that again. “Huh…that’s kind of weird that’s it already out there that he’s on another job. Acing It is still set for January, right?”

  The shape of her ass outlined in that flimsy red material replayed through my mind. Anna crossed her arms over her chest and pursed her lips. She must have said something I was supposed to listen to. “What, babe? I was distracted.”

  She pointed to my growing chub. “Yeah, I see that.” With a sigh, she put on a red, clingy top. Oh yeah, Daddy likey. “I was just…worrying. I mean, when are they going to pay you?” With apprehension on her face, she looked around our massive bedroom. “I’ve been checking the bank accounts, and not much has come in recently…but a lot is going out. We can’t stay here forever like that, Griff. Not until they pay us. Every month our bank account gets so much smaller…”

  By her expression, this was something she’d been worrying about for a while. It had crossed my mind a time or two as well, but I always shoved the thought away. Once I had a contract and my album released, I would triple that shit in no time. Acting was never for me…music was my real strength. I knew that now. Denny was an idiot for letting me go. “We’ve got at least enough for six months, babe, and by then the show will be a smash. No problem.”

  She snapped her gaze to mine. “No, we won’t make it six more months, Griff. Between this house, our place in Seattle, utilities, groceries, all the people you’ve hired…we’ll be broke long before the show airs. Maybe we can hold out until spring, if we start being smart and tighten things up now.”

  She was overreacting. I wasn’t good with money, but I was sure we still had plenty of it. Standing, I walked over to her and grabbed her forearms. Massaging her, I soothingly said, “We’ll be fine, but if it will make you feel better, I’ll start being more careful with our money. Maybe let some of the staff go.”

  A weak smile played across her lips, but it died almost instantly. “I’ve noticed something disturbing.” My heart instantly started pounding in my chest. No…I wasn’t ready for her to know that I’d been lying yet. I needed a contract before that happened—a shield. That was the only way she’d forgive me. Anna studied my face for a second, then slowly said, “We’re not getting any royalties from the band. Nothing. I almost called Denny about it, but…do you know why we’ve been cut off?”

  I scratched my head. Great, I hadn’t anticipated her discovering that. How did I answer without her killing me…or calling Denny to verify? Fuck. I had to tell her what I’d done. Goddammit. “Yeah…um…when I signed off with the band…I signed off on everything.”

  Her eyes opened much wider than I thought was humanly possible. Shit, here we go. “Everything…? Griffin? Why the hell would you do that? I mean, doing it on the last album was bad enough, but everything? Are you fucking crazy?”

  I knew she was right, I knew it had been a pretty stupid, knee-jerk reaction, but I wasn’t about to admit that to her now. Not with Denny’s refusal to manage me ringing through my ears. “No, I just don’t want anything from them. They’re dead to me,” I spouted. It felt good to use Matt’s words against him, even if he wasn’t here to hear it.

  Closing her eyes, she inhaled a deep breath. When she reopened them, she was a little calmer. Not by much though. “For the sake of your family, and those two little girls out there who idolize you…stop fucking around and fix this. Call Denny, call Harold, and start bringing in some fucking cash. Or I fucking will, and you won’t like the way I do it.”

  With that, she grabbed her boots and stormed out of the room.

  Jesus. I knew she worried about money and crap, but damn, she should have more faith in me. I was her husband, she should believe in me. Till death do us part and all that shit. A tiny part of my brain told me that she’d have more faith if I’d been more honest, but I yelled at that part of my head to shut up. I didn’t need to hear it. I felt bad enough as it was.

  Chapter 18

  The Price of Awesomeness

  Two months later, as the end of the year approached, so did the end of my lie, and the end of my rope. I could almost see it dangling in the distance, taunting me with everything I wanted but couldn’t seem to get. No record label would take me. Most wouldn’t even talk to me, but the ones who did all said the same thing: No. Sometimes, Hell no. I wasn’t sure what to do next.

  Even though I’d been in a band for years, I had no clue how to go about making music. I only had a handful of completed songs under my belt, besides my rapidly produced demo that had no music other than my awesome background noises. My favorite song was entitled Cocknado. It was fucking amazing, but at this rate no one was going to get to hear it.

  I hounded everyone I could think of, even Justin. “What gives, bro? I thought you were getting me an in with your label?”

  There was a long sigh on his end of the line. “I never said that. When you asked¸ I said I’d give it to them, and I did. It’s not my fault they said no. There’s only so much I can do, Griffin.” The calmness in his voice was clearly forced.

  “Well, I guess being friends doesn’t go as far as I thought it did in this city.” I hung up the phone before he could respond, then I threw the phone against the wall. The cover over the battery pack broke off when it clattered to the floor. Damn it.


  A small tap on the doorframe was followed by the words “Griffin? You okay?”

  I looked over to see Anna standing there, supporting Onnika on her hip. I made myself smile. God, I hoped she hadn’t heard any of that. “Of course. What could possibly be wrong with me? I am the epitome of awesome after all.”

  She cocked an eyebrow, then glanced at the broken phone. “You sure? Is it the show? Have they given you an airdate yet?”

  A spark of hope flashed over her face, followed by confusion. She didn’t understand why the studio was keeping me in the dark. And she didn’t understand because she didn’t know that I was lying my ass off every day; I was even still dying my hair brown to keep her as clueless as possible. It was just to save her stress though. She might have a heart attack if she knew I was unemployed and we were hemorrhaging thousands of dollars every month…Fuck, I needed to fix this. Fast. “Not quite. But soon, I’m sure.”

  She pursed her lips, and the discouragement and frustration on her face was clear to see, even for someone as boneheaded as me. “Well, keep calling them. They can’t just not pay you. It isn’t right.”

  I opened my mouth to give her some more unfounded encouragement, but she turned and left before I could. Stepping over to the phone, I threw it against the wall again. Damn it. What the hell was I going to do? If no label would take me and I couldn’t get a stream of cash flowing again…Anna and I would be flat-broke in another couple of months. And she’d leave me. She’d leave me for lying, she’d leave me for dragging her down her, she’d leave me for not fulfilling my role as her provider. I’d never see her or the girls again. Fuck.

  Desperation washed over me, and for a brief second as I stared at the phone in pieces on the floor, I considered calling the D-Bags. Maybe if I begged hard enough, Matt would let me back. Or maybe if I went to Kellan instead. It was more his band than anyone else’s. Yeah. I could go to Kellan and bypass Matt completely.

  But just the thought of doing that made my skin crawl. I’d have to endure countless hours of ribbing: Remember when you tried to do a TV show, but it was a complete and total failure that never even made it on the air? Remember when you tried to make an album, but no one would take you? Remember when you tried to stand on your own two feet like you didn’t need us? How ridiculous of you to think you could survive without us. We’re the reason you’re not a floundering piece of shit, and don’t you forget it. Now shine our shoes…

  No thanks. I’d rather flounder than subject myself to that. They could kiss my ass. If no label would take me, then I’d make my own. A spark of excitement burned away my moment of anxiety. Yes, that was exactly what I’d do—make my own label, make my own record.

  Turning on my computer, I went through the online Yellow Pages and started finding people in the industry. By the time I’d contacted everyone I thought I might need, I had at least a dozen new people on my payroll. This was going to shrink my bank account so much faster than even Anna had anticipated, but it was a gamble that was going to work. It had to work.

  But I would need money to get this started. A lot of money. Looking around my castle, I slowly came to a hard conclusion…Anna was right. It was time to downsize. I knew she would be on board with it, but I didn’t know how to tell her why I was suddenly agreeing to it. The truth seemed like my only option.

  Well, a vague, hazy version of the truth. The longer I could keep her in the dark, the better.

  That evening, I approached her after she put the girls down to bed. She could tell something was up by the look on my face. “What?” she asked, her voice tentative.

  My palms were sweaty, and I kept wiping them on my jeans. Shit, I had no idea how she’d react to this. “I have a confession to make.” Fuck. I should just tell her everything. She deserved to know the truth—that she’d married a fucktard who messed everything up. She’d be so pissed though…she’d storm out and I’d never see her again. I couldn’t handle that possibility. No, I was in too deep to back out. All I could do was keep plowing forward and hope this album fixed all my fuckups.

  Eyes wide, cheeks pale, she sat on the bed and put her hands in her lap. “Okay…what?” She stared at me with fear in her eyes, and I wondered what she thought I was going to say. Did she suspect the truth? Or did she think it was something as simple as cheating? I almost wished I could tell her I’d done something with another woman. Confessing that would be easier than confessing I was a lying, asshole failure. But no…I wasn’t confessing that tonight. I was delaying that information. Again.

  “Uh…earlier today…when I tossed the phone across the room…it wasn’t nothing.” A sigh escaped me and bile started rising up my throat. I didn’t deserve her. “The studio called. They pushed the show back again. We’re not going on until next fall now…” Fuck. How deep was my hole now? Deep enough to bury myself in, I was sure.

  Anna shot up off the bed. “What? Are you serious? Why the fuck would they do that?” She started pacing and wringing her hands together. “They’re not going to wait until next fall to pay you, are they? Because we can’t go that long, Griffin. We’re sinking here.”

  If she only knew how much. “Yeah…they are. I guess it was in the contract, I just didn’t notice it. I don’t get the bulk of my pay until the show airs.” That sounded believable, like something I would do, and actually, with the full season stipulation in the contract, that was close to what I had done. I’d thrown my life away for an illusion. But I was getting it back now. Fuck, this had to work.

  Anna turned to face me and fire was burning in her eyes now. “You didn’t notice? How could you not notice getting completely fucked over? This is absolutely ridiculous. Give me the phone, I’m calling Harold.” She stuck her hand out, but I ignored the gesture.

  “I signed a contract, Anna…it’s already done.” The show is already over. “I’m sorry.” For all the lies I’m telling you right now. For everything.

  Hands balling into fists, her voice trembled when she spoke. “Sorry? You’re sorry?” One finger uncurled to point at me; it was trembling in her anger. “You said this would work. You assured me that it would all be okay. I trusted you when you said we weren’t throwing away our livelihood for nothing!”

  Raising my chin, I looked her in the eye. If I seemed confident, maybe it would convince her that things were still fine. “It wasn’t for nothing.” I hoped it wasn’t for nothing. No, I prayed it wasn’t for nothing.

  The expression on her face shifted between panic, horror, and hope. “This is our future you’re playing around with, Griffin. Our future, and our daughters’ futures. We have to have a plan. What’s our plan?”

  Sighing, I felt that weight on my chest grow even heavier. I could have sworn some ribs were cracking under the strain. “I can still make this work, Anna.” I think. “I just have to get some cash flow going while I wait for the show to start.”

  “How?” she asked, folding her arms over her chest.

  “Well…now that the show is all caught up on episodes and I have more time…” Lots of fucking time. “I was thinking about putting together an album.” I debated telling her that I was going to fully fund the album myself…tell her the truth in at least one area of my life, but the steel look in her green eyes warned me not to. I had to skirt around the truth, or I was going to lose my fragile hold on her. In as optimistic a voice I could, I tossed out, “I’ll get myself a record contract, so we’ll have enough money to keep us in the clear until next fall.” And hopefully by then I’ll be a household name and you’ll have forgotten all about the show.

  Anna clamped her mouth together so firmly, her lips turned white. It took her a full minute to calm down enough to speak. “So…instead of going to back to the D-Bags in the interim, who still don’t have a bassist, by the way…you want to form your own band? Are you doing this just to show them up? Are you really that angry at them?”

  Her words made a flash of bitter heat run up my spine. Yes, I was. Guess letting go wasn’t something I was much g
ood at. “No, this is what I was meant to do. I’m not doing a group thing again. I’m going solo. It’ll be just me, rocking the world.” Carefully approaching her, I wrapped an arm around her waist. “What do you think of that, babe? You’ll be married to the hottest solo artist of all time.”

  She didn’t look as awed by that statement as she should have been. “I don’t mean to sound insulting, but…do you even know how to put together an album?”

  No, not really. To hide my doubt, I smiled. “This is going to work, and it’s going to be great.” When she still didn’t look convinced, I added, “I’ll get help, okay? As much help as I need. In fact, first thing tomorrow, I’ll start calling record labels. Everything else will fall into place. You’ll see.”

  Anna cocked an eyebrow at me. I felt like I was still in dangerous territory, so I said the most honest thing I could say. “You were right. Being a rock star has always been my dream. And I think music has been in the back of my mind ever since I left the D-Bags. I miss the stage, miss performing.” I miss the guys. Shaking off that errant thought, I told her, “Now just seems like the perfect opportunity to do something about it, since I’ve got time…” She narrowed her eyes, so I quickly changed topics. “I think you were right about the house and about our expenses though. I think we need to scale down.”

  For the first time since our conversation began, her expression softened. “Well that, I can definitely get on board with.” Wrapping her arms around my neck, she looked around our opulent bedroom. “This house is way too big.”

  Yeah…I was gonna miss it though. But tough times called for tough decisions. Like constantly keeping my wife two steps behind the truth.

  A few weeks later, the house was almost packed up, and we were narrowing down where we wanted to rent. I’d already hired the crew who’d be creating my epic solo album masterpiece, and each one of them cost ten times more than I’d expected. I wasn’t a whiz at math, but I knew a financial black hole when I saw one. I hated to do it, but it was time to make even harder cuts, which meant…I needed to talk to my wife. Again.