The Fragile Ordinary

  As we flicked through Netflix, trying to decide what to watch, I was aware of him shuffling closer. By the time the action movie the boys had voted on was finished, the left side of Tobias’s body was pressed along my right and Stevie was asleep on the armchair, still wearing the winter accessories I’d bought him.

  THE FRAGILE ORDINARYSAMANTHA YOUNG

  14

  You’re kind but the mask you wear makes you mean,

  You’re sweet but your silence can be so cruel.

  You’re all that, more, and everything in between

  You’re the king but I won’t live under your rule.

  —CC

  “I think it’s bullshit this no talkin’ tae ye at school,” Stevie had said in the first week of November, and that was before I gave him the gift of winter accessories.

  I’d quietly agreed but Tobias’s response was, “You really want her on Jimmy’s radar?”

  They’d shared this grim look that made me sigh in exasperation. “Why are you friends with him if he’s so bad?”

  “He’s friends with him.” Tobias pointed to Stevie.

  Stevie just shrugged. “He’s been ma mate forever. And the only reason he’s a wee shit sometimes is because of his big brother. Treats him like crap. Winds Jimmy up and sets him off on someone else.”

  “That’s what siblings do though, right? That’s not really an excuse for the terrible things Jimmy says and does to people,” I said.

  “I’m no’ talking about normal sibling fighting, Com.” Stevie gave me a sad look. “His brother...well, it’s no’ ma business to say anything but believe me, things are crap at home for him.”

  And that had been the end of the discussion, because I suppose I didn’t know anything about Jimmy. But still, I didn’t think it was an excuse for bullying people.

  By the middle of November I was growing increasingly tired of being ignored by the two boys who were my friends. It was bad enough that Tobias and I rarely saw each other alone anymore, but he and Stevie had started ditching me for the wondrous conversations of Jimmy and Co. If they were so awful, why had I been ditched for them? Despite my hurt, I made the decision to focus my energy elsewhere. So far I still had not taken Mr. Stone’s advice to get up on the stage at Pan, or take any steps toward pushing myself outside my comfort zone regarding my writing. And Mr. Stone was right. If I wanted to impress colleges, then I needed to become proactive. For weeks, I’d been working myself up to do just that. I still wasn’t quite brave enough to recite my poetry at Pan, but finally, I found the courage to share my poetry with someone other than Tobias.

  Palms sweaty throughout my English lesson as I prepared to make myself vulnerable, I ignored Tobias’s quizzical stare as I sat, tense, beside him.

  The bell finally rang for the end of class and as everyone packed their books away my friend turned to me. “You okay?”

  “Yeah. I just need to talk to Mr. Stone. I’ll catch you later.”

  “What’s going on?”

  “I just need to talk to him about classwork.”

  “You’re acting weird.”

  I wasn’t the only one. But I wasn’t going to go there. Today wasn’t about Tobias ignoring me at school. Today was about my future. “I’ll see you later.”

  Not looking particularly happy about being dismissed, Tobias reluctantly left.

  “You coming?” Steph and Vicki stopped by my table as I got out of the seat, waiting for the class to empty.

  “I’ll catch up with you. I need to talk to Mr. Stone.”

  The girls didn’t question it, and soon everyone had emptied out of the classroom. Mr. Stone looked up from packing his overstuffed satchel with more papers. “Comet? Everything okay?”

  There was no turning back now.

  My mouth was so dry that I felt my teeth stick to my upper lip as I tried to open it to speak. Wetting my lips, fingers trembling, I dug into my bag and pulled out the folder I’d brought with me to school. “I...uh...well I know you’re busy but um...well, I brought some of my poetry. I think it’s poetry anyway. I mean it is poetry. Uh...” Oh God, floor open up and swallow me whole! “Well...I was just wondering if you... You told me to think about doing something with it and I just wondered if you’d...” I held the folder out toward him, feeling like I might burst into tears any second now.

  As if sensing my panic, Mr. Stone quickly took the folder from me. “I’d be happy to read your work, Comet.”

  I gave him a brittle smile. “You don’t have to if you’re busy.”

  He smiled reassuringly. “I’m looking forward to it. Thank you for allowing me to. I’m truly honored.”

  Now I wanted to cry, because he was being so kind. “Thank you, Mr. Stone.” I exhaled, willing the nervous fluttering in my stomach to quit it. “And I, uh...well I was thinking...if you think my work is good enough maybe I could do something more with it. I’ve looked into what other schools in Central Scotland are doing and a few have founded their own lit mags. I thought maybe we could create a school literary magazine, too. Online. Maybe even in print, too, if the school budget would allow it. And...I thought perhaps I could take a stab at being the editor.” It was bold. I knew that. One, asking for a lit magazine and two, suggesting I run it. But if I wanted the University of Virginia to take me seriously, I needed to be bold. “If you think my writing is good enough I could maybe even use the magazine to showcase my poetry.”

  Mr. Stone stared at me with wide eyes. Almost like he’d never seen me before. His silence caused the blood beneath my cheeks to burn.

  “Or maybe not. I’m sorry, it—”

  “No,” Mr. Stone hurried to say. “Don’t be sorry. I’m just surprised. But in a good way. It’s great to see you showing initiative like this, Comet. And I think the magazine is a wonderful idea.”

  “Yeah?” I grinned, relief flooding me that not only he wasn’t laughing at me, he liked the idea!

  “Definitely. Leave it with me.”

  “Great. Okay. Great.” I nodded, backing away toward the door.

  “And I’ll read your work as quickly as possible. I wouldn’t want to leave you in suspense for too long.”

  Reminded that he’d be reading my private thoughts, I gave him a tremulous smile before hurrying out of the room.

  “I’m going to be sick,” I whispered to myself. But along with the nausea, I felt...proud. I was proud of myself and energized by it.

  Virginia, here I come.

  * * *

  As it turned out, a few days later, Tobias was still avoiding me outside of class so he had no idea about the brave step I’d taken for my future. I felt like I had no one to talk about it with, no one to calm my nerves. I’d been there for Tobias. I’d been a good friend to him. And now that something important was happening in my life, he wasn’t anywhere to be found.

  That pissed me off.

  Perhaps it was the hurt or frustration, but one Thursday as I sat in the cafeteria while Steph and Vicki talked about the school show rehearsals incessantly I decided to make a change.

  I’d been staring at Tobias the entire lunch period, willing him to look at me. My longing for him had gotten painful, the giddiness of daydreams and imagination buckling under the weight of missing him. Of being disappointed in him. I needed him to prove he was worth my hurt and the only way he could do that was by being around me again. He needed a second chance to be a good friend. I needed him to have a second chance.

  It wasn’t that I was ignoring his fears about putting me on Jimmy and Forrester’s radar. But our friendship was suffering because of his refusal to acknowledge me and I was done with pretending.

  Tobias always said he was tired of fake.

  I was tired of it, too.

  I got up from the table, vaguely aware that Steph and Vicki had stopped midconversation to stare at me. I was on a mission, howeve
r, and left them behind as I began to weave my way through the tables of students toward Tobias.

  As if he sensed me coming, he looked up from the conversation with the lads and his eyes narrowed at whatever he saw in my expression. As abruptly as I’d left my table, Tobias got up, ignoring Forrester shouting after him, “Oy, where ye goin’?”

  Tobias’s answer was to plonk himself down beside Jess Reed and begin flirting with her.

  Jess Reed.

  It was like I’d been dropped out of the window in Carrie’s art studio and upon landing the breath had been knocked right out of me. It hurt so bloody much.

  Aghast my gaze swung back to Stevie, who was staring at me in anger. Angry at me or at Tobias?

  Tears flooded my eyes and I could feel people staring at me, probably wondering why I was just standing in the middle of the cafeteria looking like I was about to cry. I turned on my heel and strode out of there, nearly knocking a younger student off her feet in my hurry to disappear.

  As soon as I slammed out of the double doors I began to speed walk down the corridor, trying to think, through all the chaos inside my head, where the nearest bathroom was.

  “Comet, wait!” Swift feet thudded on the tiled floors behind me.

  A strong hand gripped my arm and I found myself being hauled to a stop by Stevie. We were the same height, our eyes on level. His were clouded with sympathy and annoyance.

  “That was really shitty o’ him, Com. I’m sorry. I’ll have a word wi’ him.”

  “Don’t.” I shook off Stevie’s hand. “Jesus, I only wanted to come over and say hello to you both. Am I that much of a loser, Stevie? Because this rubbish about protecting me is...it’s nonsense! It feels made up, and I’m the idiot that actually believed it.”

  Stevie studied me thoughtfully. “Ye like him, don’t ye?”

  Fear thickened my throat, made my mouth dry. I licked my lips nervously. “Of course. He’s my friend. Was.”

  “Is. But I mean, fancy him. Ye fancy him.”

  “No, I don’t,” I vehemently disagreed.

  “If ye say so.” And then Stevie hugged me.

  I stood, shocked, as he held me tight in his strong arms, my nose pressed to his shoulder. And the warmth and solidness of him felt so good I wrapped my arms around him, too, and pressed my entire face to his shoulder.

  We stood like that for what felt like forever until I mumbled, “Why are you hugging me?”

  I felt him shake with laughter. “Why no’? Ye feel better, right?”

  “Everything okay?” The sound of Tobias’s voice drew Stevie and me apart. I brushed a strand of hair nervously behind my ear, wishing I’d left my hair down so I could hide behind it. “What’s going on?”

  The hard accusation in his voice flipped a switch inside of me. I went from hurt to angry in a millisecond. My gaze flashed to his to see him looking at me and Stevie with suspicion, as though two people couldn’t hug without it meaning something romantic. “This is what friends do, Tobias,” I snapped, gesturing to Stevie. “They acknowledge you exist and comfort you when you’re upset.” The last word broke as tears spilled down my cheeks without my permission. I hadn’t meant them to! It seemed lately I was unable to control my feelings. And everything felt too much, too big, too overwhelming.

  It was mortifying!

  Tobias looked as horrified as I felt.

  “Comet!” Vicki suddenly appeared, shoving Tobias aside to get to me, with Steph on her trail. Her expression flared in outrage at the sight of me in tears. “What did you do?” she demanded of Stevie and Tobias.

  “Nothing,” I mumbled, swiping angrily at my tears. “Let’s go.”

  Tobias took a step toward me. “Comet—”

  “Leave her alone,” Steph threw out as Vicki hustled me down the corridor toward the bathroom.

  As soon as we got inside they locked the door and Vicki handed me my backpack. I must have left it at the table and didn’t even realize. Dropping it, I slumped against the cold tiled wall. “Oh God...please tell me I didn’t just burst into tears in front of Tobias and Stevie?”

  “Sorry, babe,” Vicki winced. “You kind of did.”

  “On that note—and it’s not that I’m not concerned or anything that you were crying—what the hell, Comet?” Steph’s hands flew to her hips. “You know those guys? They know you? And I don’t mean from class—have you been hanging out with them behind our backs?”

  I blushed furiously, giving myself away. “It started a while ago...”

  And so with a rapt audience in front of me, I told the story of my burgeoning friendship with Tobias King, and how I stupidly fell for him and kept getting hurt by his indifference in public.

  “I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you,” I pleaded with them to understand. “I’m just an idiot for listening to him.”

  “Oh, Com.” Vicki hugged me tight, and it was such a relief to be held by her I almost squeezed her to death in return. “We’re all idiots when it comes to boys.”

  Steph put her arms around both of us.

  It was a lovely moment.

  Then Steph said, “Anyone else just excited that Comet likes someone? For a while there I couldn’t work you out, Com. Straight, gay, something else? Who knew!”

  Confiding in my friends felt so good that Steph’s ridiculousness didn’t even bother me. In fact, I’d missed it. And I told her so by laughing so hard I almost cried again.

  * * *

  Like the biggest cliché, I waited for Tobias to apologize.

  I thought at first it would happen in English next period but he never showed for class. My thumping heart and sweaty palms had been for nothing.

  My phone was glued to my hip for the rest of the day and evening.

  But nothing.

  And he didn’t show up for English the next day either.

  The weekend passed slowly with no word from him or Stevie. I was preoccupied. Not just with thoughts of the boys, but worrying about Mr. Stone’s reception of my poetry. After deciding to confide in Vicki about my poems, and how Mr. Stone was reading them, my best friend roped Steph and me into going to Glasgow to shop in order to take my mind off the boys and my poems. Yet I was still distracted. Again. Instead of being angry with my distance, however, they were sympathetic. Finally, Steph could relate to a daydreaming Comet, because now she was daydreaming about a boy, and Vicki knew it was about more than just the boys. It was about me putting myself out there with my work for my future.

  “I’m proud of you,” Vicki had whispered to me while Steph was in a changing room trying on a dress so short there was no way she could allow her dad to ever see it. “Maybe when you’re ready, you’ll let me read your poems, too.”

  I’d squeezed her hand, grateful for her support. Just grateful I had her back.

  My worry over losing Tobias’s friendship transformed into annoyance when he first blanked me as he walked into Spanish the following week, and then when he ignored me entirely in English class. Between that and the fact that Mr. Stone walked into class with my folder under his arm, I was distracted from our lesson completely by my apprehension over his opinion, and over Tobias’s coldness. Trying to focus on what should be the priority rather than on the boy next to me, I watched as Mr. Stone slipped the folder under a pile of papers on his desk and then welcomed the class.

  I tried to listen as he talked about classwork, but it was incredibly difficult, and when he asked me to stay after class I felt a strong wave of nausea.

  Tobias sat as far from me as possible, flinching when my foot accidentally brushed his under the table. At the first ring of the dismissal bell he shot out of his chair with the precision of the one o’clock gun at Edinburgh Castle. He was gone before I could even draw breath.

  I tried to pretend I wasn’t angry at him. That his behavior didn’t matter as much as what Mr. Stone had to say to m
e about my poems. But as much as I wanted it to be true, it wasn’t. Plus, it felt better to be angry than to think about how much Tobias ignoring me hurt. My days were suddenly gray again, and I almost hated him for having that kind of power over my mood.

  Shaking the melancholy off, I waited in my seat as everyone else filtered out. Vicki, probably having guessed what our teacher wanted to talk to me about, threw me a bolstering smile before she walked out of the classroom.

  When we were alone, Mr. Stone took my folder off his desk and came to perch on mine. He handed it back to me wearing a small smile. “These are wonderful, Comet. Thank you so much for allowing me to read them.”

  All the air I’d been holding in seemed to deflate out of me, and my teacher chuckled at my obvious relief.

  “Your perspective is refreshing and honest. May I ask what university you’re thinking of applying to?”

  “The University of Virginia. They have great writing and poetry programs,” I said automatically, reeling from his praise.

  He looked surprised but in a good way. “That’s a wonderful goal, Comet. And I think the literary magazine would help you achieve it.”

  Hope suffused me. “Are you saying we can start the magazine?”

  “I’ve spoken with Ms. Fergus, our department head, and she’s happy to let us give it try. With you leading the helm as editor.”

  My belly roiled with a mixture of excited and nervous flutters. It was a lot of responsibility and I didn’t know if I could do it, but I was willing to try.

  “That’s brilliant.” I gave him a tremulous smile.

  Mr. Stone grinned. “Great. Okay. Well, I think with your exams coming just after Christmas break, it might be best to launch it next term. That will give us time to get the site and our team organized. I’m going to advertise that we’re recruiting a lit mag team but if you know anyone who might like to join please let me know.”

  Amazed that I’d made this happen, I gathered my stuff, bidding my favorite teacher a good afternoon. I couldn’t wait to tell Vicki and I wanted to tell Tobias.

  But over the next week I rarely saw him, Stevie and their crew around school and despite not wanting to be, I was concerned. I was anxious about what they could be up to. And I was worried that Tobias was going to get himself kicked out of Higher classes.