The Circus in Me

  Blue skies opened up for short time in a long desperate while. The welcoming symbols of spring showing up. The air grew brittle breathing in only increments of heat. Our time together inched by daybreak and evening, thinning in size as he prepared his journey for adventure.

  My thoughts on the matter were equivalent of those he tried sharing with me; blank. Wanting to say more than my soul would allow, somehow I found it in my body to reject all usage of verbal communication.

  Sitting silent in the corner of his bedroom, wallowing in self-pity as he packed and unpacked his navy blue duffle bag. He nipped at my attention span as I stared at the corner ceiling reminding myself we come into this world alone, so we might as well do our duty for life solo.

  Imagining the window in the bottom of our cellar. Rusty nails poking themselves inward, begging to be replaced. The smell of yeast and barley rising in my nostrils. Tears filling my eyes paining the way I once lived and left behind. Quiet as a mouse I dapped the weakness drops leaving crevasses of my eyes. No more room for regret. No more room for old beginnings to come forth. The life I chose was that of a modern establishment. Banished from the ideas I grew with, the family I called home was none I was born into. No matter the determination or begging for repentance, my claim on the world was one that went against my community.

  My thoughts in instant frantic mode.

  “Tell me, was it the confliction of interest or the hardship of truth you lollygagged on the news of my brother’s marvel?” My legs pacing back and forth making certain to him no intentions of playing the good cop.

  “I would have told you! You didn’t want to hear it. When I came back from Indiana you were struck in terror of just the news of your sister. I held onto the truth promising I would expose his secret to you the next couple days.” His knuckles popping white with worry and torment.

  “He is my brother I thought dead for years and you saw him living within minutes of approaching my homeland.” Studying his hollow eyes, there was a small part of me whispering that he had done right by me. Quick to ignore the subconscious yearnings.

  “Trae Lae, I would have told you. I would have confessed it to you firstly, only knowing that it would make the merger of your understanding easier to stomach.” The strands of his hair dangling out in open modesty.

  “You did not though, Briggs. You kept the secrecy of his breath a hidden façade. I overlooked your spontaneity to go running back to the community I abandoned. I recognized in you the will to do this for me. To mend broken edges of the mirror I once saw as my reflection. But…my brother. You had knowledge of this for weeks. My remorse growing thicker and heavier every minute I knew of this treachery you kept from me. I forgive you, although I no longer am seeking refuge from your kindness.”

  “Trae Lae! Come on! I understand you are troubled and are very annoyed with me. We are alike in so many ways you and I. I love you. Every part of you a mystery I have to find clues too. Wanting you to be whole, I call an act out of love not out of vengeance. If you thought otherwise of my behavior you are the one in the wrong and I have nothing to apologize for. You accept that or you don’t. I’m going on that Europe trip, whether you decide to take my accounts into consideration. Best to leave you to dwell.” His confession of interest led me to denial, a down a dead end street.

  My hollow steps echoing to myself I had made the wrong decision. His suitcase already packed and no means for stealing his adventure away from him as he had mine.

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