Kiss Me Like This

  "I don't care what his name is. Do you think he loves you? Do you think he's going to stick around after he gets what he wants from you? After what you've probably already so stupidly given him?"

  Maybe if she hadn't just come from spending the day with Sean's amazing family, this conversation wouldn't seem so surreal. And maybe if she hadn't been apart from Genevieve for so many weeks, she would still be numb to hearing her speak like this about men, about their unfaithfulness, their lies.

  But today it all came in sharp contrast to the joy, and the faith in love, that she'd literally been embracing just moments before.

  Still, though every word out of her mother's mouth felt like a knife cutting into her, Serena was torn. Torn between moving closer to Sean...and edging away from him in the hopes that it would cool her mother's ire and make her happy. Or rather, happier.

  Sean, however, clearly wasn't wavering even a little bit as he kept a very protective arm around her. "Ms. Britten," he said in a low voice in which he was very carefully working to bank his fury, "I don't think you should talk to your daughter that way."

  No one had ever stood up to her mother on her behalf before. Not her agent. Not any of the photographers or designers, not even the ones that Serena had thought were friends. She'd been too valuable a commodity for all of them to risk Genevieve forbidding them access to Serena.

  "I can see why you fell for his lies," her mother said to Serena, still not directly acknowledging Sean. "He knows exactly how to get to you, doesn't he, by acting like all he wants is to take care of you. Well, let me tell you what he really wants. He wants to fuck you." She gestured toward the other dorm rooms. "All any of these college boys want to do is fuck you. They're going to say all the right things. They're going to make you believe they mean it when they say they love you. And you're going to make it so easy for them by being so desperate to hear their pretty little lies. But in the end all they're going to do is screw you, brag to their friends, then move on to the next stupid girl desperate enough to believe in love. Forgotten, Serena. You'll be forgotten. And I'll still be the only one who will ever love you. The only one who will still be here for you with open arms when the rest of the world turns its back on you. So if you're stupid enough to even think of giving up your career and this movie, I promise you that you will regret it for the rest of your life. Just the way I always regretted giving up mine."

  "Serena."

  Sean had moved in front of her and his hands were on her shoulders as if he could physically block her from the horrible things her mother was saying. Things Serena had heard her whole life, but hadn't wanted to be true.

  "You don't have to stay here and listen to this. You know you don't."

  When her mother's verbal assault hadn't let up, shock had automatically started to shift to that buzzing numbness that Serena had been familiar with for so long. But something pierced through. Movie. Her mother had mentioned the movie. Serena needed to ask what Genevieve was talking about. Needed to know exactly how her life was about to change. And yet, even the possibility that the Smith Sullivan movie really was back on wasn't the real reason Serena couldn't just turn and walk away.

  "She's my mother," she told Sean in a soft voice.

  Even though she'd left to go to college and Genevieve had been angry, Serena had never stopped hoping that the two of them would eventually find their way around to having a good relationship. The thought of letting that hope die nearly brought tears to her eyes, when even her mother's tirade hadn't.

  And yet, just because Serena couldn't walk away from her mother, didn't mean that she could let Sean go, either. "Please," she whispered to him as she reached for one of his hands, "don't leave. Even if you don't agree with what I'm doing, stay here with me."

  "I'm not going anywhere, Serena. You know I'm not."

  Unfortunately, Serena wasn't at all certain that she could say the same about herself. Not when that same fear that had tickled her spine when Olivia had mentioned Smith Sullivan's movie was quickly taking over her entire body.

  Though Sean still held tightly to her hand, Serena forced herself to step away from the protection of his body to face her mother again. "I'm sorry that you're so upset about my dating Sean. We were friends first and only just started to date, so that's why I hadn't told you yet. I was planning to call you tomorrow morning, actually, to share the exciting news. One day I hope that you'll realize what a great person he is."

  "I don't care about your boyfriend, Serena." And by the way her mother said it, as if he was no more important than a fly buzzing around the room, she knew Genevieve meant it. "None of this nonsense matters now that Smith Sullivan's movie is back in production. I know how upset you were when Smith delayed his plans to shoot the movie. That's why I made a special trip to see you today. I simply couldn't share the amazing news over the phone that everything is back on and he still wants you to play the supporting actress role."

  Just that quickly, her mother had flipped a switch, from utterly furious to perfectly reasonable now that they were talking business. Business she was positive was a slam dunk. Serena had seen it a hundred times--the way Genevieve could pull out a different mask and put it on without so much as a pause. If anyone should be the actress, it should be her mother. Especially since for all that she was claiming she hadn't wanted to share the news over the phone, it was obvious she'd already let it leak to the press before talking to her daughter about it.

  So even though she'd previously vowed to disown Serena if she caught her with a guy at Stanford, she'd clearly decided that doing Smith Sullivan's movie was far more important. And that it would be exactly the thing to pull Serena back into the Hollywood life. Permanently.

  "I wasn't actually too upset," she began, but her mother wouldn't let her finish.

  "This movie--a role that is certain to win you an Oscar--is what we have worked for your entire life. We have so much to do to get ready for it."

  Serena had only stood up to her mother once, when she'd been undeterred about going to college. But that had been when she thought the movie was permanently out of the picture. Now, more than ever before, she felt pulled in different directions. By what her mother wanted, had always wanted: for Serena to be an A-list star. By the promises she'd made to Sean to stay on campus with him.

  And by her own dreams.

  Maybe there was some way she could make everyone happy? Maybe after she made great grades this quarter and convinced the university to enroll her as a full-time student, she'd also be able to persuade them to let her take a short break to film the movie. And maybe Sean would forgive her for breaking her promise to stay on campus as long as she came back quickly.

  "When is Smith planning to begin filming?"

  "As soon as possible." Her mother looked around the dorm room with obvious distaste, clearly more than ready to get out of there. First class was barely good enough for Genevieve. Her shared bedroom, Serena knew, must seem little better than a slum. "Smith is expecting you in Seattle next week."

  "But fall quarter won't be over by then. If I leave before I've finished one full quarter, they won't think I'm serious about being here and then I'm sure they won't turn my probationary acceptance into a permanent one."

  "I know you think you're upset about having to leave, but we both know this life was never for you. It was never anything more than a little fantasy."

  "Bullshit!" Sean had clearly done all he could to let Serena navigate the conversation on her own, but now he'd had enough. "Attending Stanford isn't a fantasy. Serena is one of the most serious, most motivated students I've ever met. If anyone belongs here, it's your daughter."

  Finally, Genevieve turned her gaze to Sean. "She signed a contract with Smith, many months ago, in which she guaranteed him her participation in the film if and when it came to pass." Her mother finally smiled before focusing on Serena again. "Once you do this movie, your life will be changed forever."

  Serena knew her mother was right about her life changing for
ever. Because she'd never be able to get away from photographers, would never have a chance to be even remotely normal...and she suddenly couldn't believe she'd been so stupidly, naively wrong to believe that nothing could come to crush her newfound joy.

  "I gave up everything for you, Serena. You owe me this movie."

  "Serena," Abi said as she barreled through the open door, "what's going on? People said they heard--" Her roommate broke off in midsentence when she belatedly realized she'd walked into the middle of a tense standoff. "I meant to tell you that I let your mom in earlier."

  But Serena could barely hear what Abi was saying as she watched Genevieve smooth a nonexistent wrinkle from her expensive designer dress and open a compact to make sure her makeup and hair were still perfect. "I'll email you your travel details." One air-kiss later, she was gone, leaving only her expensive scent behind.

  "Serena?" Abi looked between her and Sean. "What just happened? Why are you so pale? You should sit down."

  "I have to go." Serena's stomach was churning and she felt like she was going to be sick. "I can't stay."

  Sean's hands were warm as he turned her face to make her look into his eyes. "You don't have to make any decisions yet." His mouth on hers was what finally pulled her all the way up and out of the thick fog. "Not tonight."

  "But the contract..."

  "Can be broken."

  "If I'd known your mother was going to upset you so much, I wouldn't have let her in." Abi looked out the still-open door. "You guys go back to Sean's place, and I'll do damage control for whatever people heard." Her roommate hugged her. "Text me later to let me know you're okay?"

  "I should have told you about my mom, Abi, about how things are between us--" But she'd been so afraid to trust anyone.

  Just as scared as she'd been by the thought of having to one day return to her old life.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

  Sean didn't trust himself to say anything as they walked out of Serena's dorm and headed for his frat. Not only because he was so damned angry with her mother...but also because for everything Serena had ever said about wanting to stay at Stanford, he finally realized just how high the outside pressures on her were. Not only from her mom, but also from powerful movie stars like Smith Sullivan who wanted her to star in one of his films.

  The truth was that when she'd brought up the movie the previous night, Sean hadn't asked for any extra details because he hadn't wanted to even think about the possibility that it might get put back on her schedule in the future. Instead, he'd stupidly wanted to bury his head in the sand and believe that nothing would ever pull her back to her old life. Exactly the way his sister had so wisely predicted it would, a handful of weeks ago.

  Losing someone he loved again was his worst fear.

  But how could he have stopped himself from loving Serena?

  Especially when seeing her with his family today had changed something inside him, had taken the love he already felt for her and made it so much bigger. So much deeper. Even the small moments had mattered so much, like when his dog had licked her face and she'd been so carefree, so happy. He'd made a silent vow to do whatever he could to give her that happiness all the time. But the crazy thing was, it had taken her mom coming today to show him that facing the hard stuff tonight was probably the only way either of them could really get to that happiness.

  Which was why, as soon as they were inside his room, he said, "Yesterday, when you found those pictures of my mom...I'm really sorry for what I said to you."

  "You've already apologized. More than once. You don't have to apologize anymore, Sean."

  "It just...whenever I think about what I said about you and your mom, how I refused to even try to understand why you hadn't spoken to her since you started school..." He regretted more than he could say every word that he'd flung at her about taking her mother for granted. "God, I'm an asshole, Serena."

  "You're not an asshole, you just--"

  "Made stupid assumptions. Really stupid ones. Because even without giving me the full picture, you gave me enough little pieces here and there that I should have put it together." He took her ice-cold hands in his to try to warm them. "My parents always completely supported me in doing whatever I wanted to do...and yet I still keep bowing to the pressures of playing baseball rather than spending time doing things I might end up liking better. I mean, I like baseball and going pro wouldn't suck. But sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I hadn't been good at it, if I might be more focused on photography by now. But you had no one to stick up for you, did you?"

  When she replied with a soft no, he had to work like hell to rein in his fury. "You are so damned brave, Serena. Do you even see it in yourself? How strong you are?"

  She didn't respond for several long moments, and he knew she was going around and around and around inside her head over decisions about the future that she felt she needed to make right this second.

  Finally, she asked, "What was that like? Having a mom who loved you just the way you are?"

  He'd told her she could push him, that he needed her to push him when no one else would. But now that she was, and he knew it was finally time to let it all out...it wasn't easy. Not even close. Every muscle, every tendon in his well-tuned body was poised for flight. But he'd already admitted to her that he might want to take pictures more than he wanted to play baseball, which was something he'd never said to anyone. Hell, it was something he hadn't even wanted to admit to himself, not when it was easier just to keep moving in the direction everyone believed was his destiny. But what if he--and Serena--were actually meant for different destinies? Ones that veered from her beauty and his athletic prowess? Ones that had her poring over books in libraries and had him photographing sunrises in the mountains?

  "I thought everyone had a mom like mine," he finally told her. "She was home with us until Maddie started kindergarten and then she went back to teaching third grade. We used to complain about having her at school with us, because it meant we couldn't get away with anything, but we all secretly loved knowing she was there. If you fell down or felt sick or just needed to ask her a question, she was just a few doors away. And always ready to listen."

  "I'm sure it wasn't a secret to her how you really felt."

  "It wasn't," he agreed, able to smile about those memories for the first time in what felt like forever. "There were a lot of us to wrangle, but our house was always open to our friends, too. The six of us would often turn into twice as many in the afternoons, and it was pretty crazy, but somehow everyone knew what was on the okay list and what wasn't."

  "Was she strict?"

  He nodded. "It probably came from having to keep classes of kids from rolling over her, but she was also really fair. Of course, even knowing the rules, we would still get into all kinds of trouble."

  "Now that I've met your brothers and sisters," she said with a little smile that he was so damned happy to see, "I can only imagine the trouble all of you must have gotten into."

  "I was eight years old and stupid as a brick when I broke my wrist. Justin stopped laughing when he broke his ankle. Drew had already been through it with two broken legs by then, though."

  "Two?"

  "We'd see him coming in the wheelchair going a hundred miles an hour and we'd all scatter trying to save ourselves. Even Olivia and Maddie broke fingers and toes. Only Grant skated through unscathed. The stories I could tell you..." He grinned, thinking back. "Most of the time, though, even when we got in trouble, as long as no one got really hurt, she'd tell us we were all grounded or doing extra chores for the next week. But then she'd also compliment us on our creativity and would tell us to keep thinking outside the box, just to be a little smarter about it in the future."

  "She would actually encourage you guys to break the rules?"

  "Amazingly, she did." He laughed. "And maybe it was because she trusted us not to screw up too badly that none of us really went too far." He laughed again. "Well, except for Drew."

  "What di
d he do, beyond breaking both legs and terrorizing all of you with the wheelchair?"

  "It's not my story to tell, unfortunately. But I'm sure you'll be able to get it out of him one day. There's nothing he likes more than bragging to a pretty girl about what a badass he is."

  Serena smiled back, but he could see it was forced this time, and he knew why. He'd brought up their future together...one that suddenly seemed uncertain.

  "My mom didn't tell us right away that she was sick. She'd had a cold for a while. At least, that's what she thought it was. My dad was the one who finally insisted on taking her to the doctor. She hated doctors and hospitals, ever since she was a kid and had ended up in a hospital with pneumonia. And since she was always really healthy, it didn't seem like a big deal that she didn't go much. The cancer...it was already pretty advanced by the time they checked her out. They said--" Oh man, he'd made it this far, but suddenly he didn't know if he could get all the way through it.

  He heard Serena say his name and realized that she had put her arms around him and was holding him tight. "You don't have to keep talking about your mom. It's too hard."

  But even though it was the hardest thing he'd ever done, he needed to get it off his chest. Finally, get it out there. "They said that if she'd just come in for her regular exams, they probably could have caught it in time." Anger rose up inside him. "In time to save her life."

  "Oh, Sean. I'm so sorry."

  "I was so mad at her. So damned mad." His throat had tightened up, and it was hard to get words out past the lump that had formed. "She left us all--she died--because she was afraid of getting poked at by some doctors a couple of times a year. Damn it..." The tears he hadn't let himself shed were finally falling, and he couldn't seem to stop them. "I'm still mad. I shouldn't be, but I don't know if I'll ever get over it."

  *

  There was such deep, powerful love in Sean's voice when he spoke about his mom. And such pain, too. Pain that broke Serena's heart into tiny little pieces. Especially now that she knew his grief was both for losing her...and because he'd been beating himself up over his anger at how it had all come to pass.