Epilogue

and I laughed.

“You’re mean,” she said.

“Would you have me any other way?” I received little more than a suspicious glare. “Do you have anything in your coat pocket?”

She inspected her coat.

“No. All I brought was my passport, but you took it.”

“Good. I’d hate for you to get pick-pocketed again.” I kissed her forehead and directed our steps toward the stairs.

“What if you get pick-pocketed?”

“That’s cute, Pet.” I half hoped someone would try. I’d been growing increasingly desperate for confrontation. It had been months since I’d had some sort of altercation. I was surprised to discover how much I missed it. I pushed the thought aside for perhaps the hundredth time.

As others crammed themselves into the lift, Livvie and I started up the stairs. I regretted my decision to wear slacks and dress shoes almost immediately. There was a thin layer of frost on the stairs, and as we rose they only became more slippery.

“Try doing it in velvet Mary Janes. I swear, if I die, I’m going to be so mad at you.” Livvie huffed up another set of stairs.

“As if I would let anything happen to you. Would be a bloody waste of redemption, wouldn’t you say?” I was sure I was suffering far more. In addition to climbing, I was also pushing Livvie along to help her up the stairs.

“Bloody? I’ve never heard you say that before.” She laughed. “And while I appreciate the chivalry, I’m pretty sure the redemption is for you.”

“It’s a common expression. Also—” I reached out to steady Livvie after she slipped on one of the stairs. “You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m okay. But seriously, James, can we please take the elevator once we get to the first platform? It’s over a thousand stairs to the very top.” She wrapped her arms around my neck as she caught her breath. Her forehead was a little sweaty and her cheeks were red from the cold. “Please?” She placed soft kisses on my cold cheek. “I’m begging.” I laughed as I took in the sight of her mischievous smile and raised eyebrow.

“I suppose,” I mumbled. I really did not want to get into that damn lift. I ride them very seldom and only while alone.

The first time I rode a lift was a few years after coming to live with Rafiq. He had business in Karachi and took me along. I must have been about sixteen or so. Rafiq didn’t warn me the damnable contraption would move, and when I got out of the moving box of death I vomited in the lobby. Not only did I not get to accompany him into his meeting, but he made me ride the lift up and down the entire time he was gone. It took me about seven or eight trips and a threat of bodily harm from a security guard before I stopped yelling as the lift traveled between floors.

“You’re the best boyfriend ever. You let me ride in elevators and everything.” Livvie laughed somewhat maniacally.

“Laugh it up, Pet. It’ll be hilarious when we get stuck and the smell of unclean tourist is invading your nostrils.” Livvie only laughed harder as we continued our trek up the stairs.

“Don’t worry, Sexy. I’ll protect you.” She turned and gave me a wink. Livvie was slowly picking up on some of my mannerisms and though I wouldn’t admit it, it always made me feel… content.

“Good. I’ll be the one trying to pry the doors open with my bare hands.”



***



“God! I think tomorrow I’m going to wear slippers all day. My feet are killing me.” Livvie hobbled toward the desk chair in our room and immediately reached for the strap holding her shoe in place.

“It was your idea to walk everywhere.” I laughed as I poked fun at her. “Now you’ll have blisters to commemorate our trip to Paris. You can tell Claudia all about the Parisian band-aids I purchased for you in the lobby.” I mockingly switched to her vernacular. “She’ll be so jealous.” I winced as I kicked off my shoes. Livvie glared.

“I just hope she’ll be able to hear me over the sound of her own laughter when I tell her how you yelled at that teenager and his girlfriend on the elevator.”

“They were jumping up and down! Shaking the whole thing. They’re lucky all I did was yell.” I pulled up a chair in front of Livvie and reached for one of her feet. I was tempted to tip her over to stop her belly laughing.

Her laughter turned into a long keening moan as I rubbed her foot with both hands.

“Oh! I will love you forever if you don’t stop.”

A strange pang rippled through my chest. I ignored it. If Livvie loved me, she wasn’t in any rush to let me know and I hadn’t brought up my feelings for her since Thanksgiving. We were taking things slow and getting to know each other. We’d discussed it at length. Regardless, the words stirred me. The void yawned as if waking from a nap.

“This isn’t chivalry,” I countered. “I fully expect you to return the favor when I’m done. Also, I think a good back massage is in order. My muscles are tense after having been locked up tight during our gradual and torturous ascension.”

Livvie smiled with her eyes closed.

“I love the way you say things.”

She was thoroughly lost to my ministrations. Her lack of tactful word choice didn’t even occur to her, and I suppose it made it that much easier to forgive. I knew that though she might not love me, she cared for me a great deal and would never hurt me on purpose.

Livvie continued, “I get a foot massage and the chance to rub you down? I really am the luckiest girl in Paris. Do you even notice how women look at you, Caleb? James. Whatever. You’re just… you’re fucking beautiful is what you are.”

“Handsome. I’m handsome. And no, I don’t notice. I’m too busy looking at you. Or using my carefully cultivated death-stare to threaten any man stupid enough to set eyes on you.” I smiled at the contented sigh this elicited from Livvie.

“Yes, you definitely have a way with words. You should be a writer; you’re certainly screwed up enough for the job.”

“Aren’t you the writer?”

Livvie opened her eyes and sat up. There was a brief moment when I perceived she was nervous, but it quickly faded. She was all flirty smiles when she spoke.

“Not really. It’s not like anyone reads my stuff. It’s all just on my laptop.”

“Not true. Claudia has apparently read your work. I don’t know if you know this, but I read. I could take a look if you’d like. Claudia seems to think it isn’t to be missed.”

Livvie slowly removed her foot from my lap and straddled me in my seat.

“What? You can read? I’m shocked!” She kissed me on the lips briefly.

“You’re trying to distract me,” I said, unimpressed.

“I am not. I’m just eager to give you that massage.” She rubbed my shoulders and I groaned. “Will there be some sort of oil involved? The idea of sliding my hands all over you is really appealing. I could take off all my clothes if you’d like.” She pressed her thumbs into my neck and ground her hips against me. I felt her breath as she whispered in my ear. “I’ll even do the front.”

“I won’t forget about this,” I said half-heartedly.

In all honesty, the only thing I was truly thinking about was slippery Livvie and how easy it would be to slide into her. Some days it seemed as though the only time I felt firmly connected to her was when I was literally inside her. I could imagine myself as her Prince Charming. I was not a monster. I was worthy. My heart was not an empty husk—it was engorged with blood and feeling.

“Hey,” Livvie whispered against my mouth. “Where’d you go, Sexy?” She was worried. I could hear it in her voice and memories threatened to invade. I hated how familiar her worry was to me. I made eye contact with her.

“I’m here, exactly where I want to be.”

She smiled.

“Me too.” She kissed me slowly, passionately, and inherent within the press of lips there was an undercurrent of gratitude. It was difficult for me to accept given our circumstances, but the void consumed it nonetheless. It had the gall to demand more.

“Tell me you’re mine, Livvie.” The past intruded.

“I’m yours, Caleb.” Her lips traveled across the side of my face and down my neck. Our attentions had gone from slow and passionate to fast and hungry. She sucked the flesh of my neck into her mouth, marking me. I already bore her scratches on my back. “And you’re mine. Only mine.”

I hated where Livvie and I had started. I loathed that I had ever wounded such an incredible person. However, the past was not without its comforts. It had been a time when I labored under the illusion of purpose and strength. Livvie unabashedly proclaimed her love for me and I held all the power. For all the horrors of my past, I took comfort in my understanding of the darkness in my soul. Livvie had let in the light and it blinded me. I groped for purchase within my new world. With Livvie at my side, I clung to her, powerless and oft times petrified. Moments like the one in which we found ourselves were sweet succor.

I undid the three tiny pearl buttons at Livvie’s nape with care before I forcefully pulled the zipper along the back. She made a startled but eager sound against my neck. I spread the fabric and let it slide down her arms, pinning them to her sides. Livvie whimpered as she writhed against me. Her hips made little thrusts as she chased her pleasure.

I put my mouth against her collarbone and sucked. I had left my own marks on Livvie: I’d scraped my teeth along her hipbones. I’d left my handprint on her ass. There was a bruise near her nipple where I’d pinched her while she came. Her pussy still had my come in it from the night before. What more did I need? What more did I deserve?

“You make me feel so good,” Livvie panted. Her knees dug into my hips and her hands tugged at my shirt in search of more contact. The long line of her throat, naked shoulders, and exposed cleavage were offered up to my mouth freely while Livvie’s head was tossed back. I let my lips brush against the purple mark I’d left on her collarbone.

“Only good? I must not be trying near hard enough.”

“Mmm… try harder then.”

I gripped her hips and ground her down hard against my erection. She pulled her arms free of her dress and wrapped them around my neck as she attempted to ride me. I canted her hips back and held her in place, feasting on her hungry little sounds.

“Again with that mouth. So saucy.”

“Caleb,” she purred. “Stop fucking around. You know what I want.”

I grinned.

“And what would that be?”

“You. Inside me.”

My cock gave a little leap of excitement.

“You want to feel me?” I put my hand beneath her dress, skimming the sensitive flesh of her thighs where her stockings squeezed. I decided I would buy her garters, like a French girl would wear. I continued my exploration, lifting the trim of her lacy panties so I could graze her with my fingertips.

“Yes… please.” I heard Livvie swallow. Her hips tried to guide my fingers. My finger pulled the scrap of fabric forward. Her panties were damp where her pussy had rested.

“Do you really think you deserve it? Am I the sort of man who appreciates a saucy mouth?” A memory: “I like your saucy little mouth. I don't want to hurt it.”

“I—” She pressed forward, cunt seeking. “I hope so.”

I touched her with the back of my fingers.

“I do.” I whispered and took her mouth, both of them, at the same time. She shuddered. I pumped my fingers into her heat as I collected her moans in my mouth. Livvie’s pleasure was short lived. I withdrew my fingers slowly.

“But it doesn’t mean you get to speak to me however you’d like.”

She frowned.

“Caleb.” I pressed my wet fingers to her mouth. She pulled back. She was shocked and a little disgusted. She’d licked her lip before she thought about it.

I brought her mouth to mine and licked her lips until she opened to me again. I liked the taste of pussy in her mouth. It drove me wild with lust. A familiar part of me enjoyed her horror and always would. I felt like myself. I felt powerful.

I pulled away from the kiss. I stood, carried Livvie toward the bed, and tossed her on it.

“Turn around and lie flat on the bed. I want to fuck you.” Livvie sat, chest heaving, with her rumpled dress pooled around her waist. She reached for it, to take it off I assumed. “I didn’t tell you to take it off,” I snapped. Fear ignited behind her eyes and quickly burned down to an ember.

“Yes, Caleb,” she whispered. Slowly, she turned and crawled toward the top of the bed. Once there, she lifted her dress to uncover her panties. The lacy fabric didn’t cover her completely—it left the bottom of her cheeks exposed and framed her ass. She made eye contact, caught me looking. She smiled coyly and finally lay down on the bed.

“Yes, I like what I see. I would have thought that much was obvious by now.” I palmed her ass with a loud smack. “No need to be smug.” I reached for her panties and slid them down her legs. I stood up to remove my belt.

Livvie visibly tensed. Her hands fisted in the comforter. To her credit, she didn’t move. She didn’t turn to see what I was doing. She didn’t ask what I was up to. She simply waited. Patient. Trusting. Submissive.

I was tempted to swat her with my belt. I pictured her gasping in surprise, her cheeks flexing and red. I imagined the way she would struggle to remain still. I visualized the raised welts my belt would leave. Another mark. Another brand. Another claim. My fist tightened on my belt. I let it go. I didn’t want to remind her any more than I already had.

I undressed slowly. I took the time to hang my pants in the wardrobe. I set my other clothes aside to be sent in for washing. I watched Livvie the entire time, letting my lust build with every minute she patiently waited for me to return.

Or issue a command.

I riffled through the luggage to retrieve a bottle of oil I’d brought. I really did want that damn massage, but it could wait. I had different plans. I let my mouth nip and lick the backs of Livvie’s legs on my way back up to her sexy ass. She trembled. A small squeak escaped her lips when I drizzled the oil in her cleft.

“Is this okay?” I asked. I didn’t need an answer to my question. I simply enjoyed listening to her answer. She was slow to acquiesce. It wasn’t until I rubbed the oil into her crack with the head of my cock that her lips opened.

“Y-y-yes?” I rubbed harder. “Oh… wait… please…” Livvie propped herself up on her elbows and tried to drag her body higher up on the bed. She couldn’t. She was pinned beneath me.

“Shhh.” I held her elbows and urged her back down. “Do you trust me, Kitten?” I unfastened her bra and massaged the red marks it had left. She liked that. “Do you believe me when I tell you I wouldn’t hurt you? Not like before. Not ever.” My thumbs pressed on either side of her spine between her shoulders and pressed forward to the base of her neck. Livvie sighed.

“Yes. I trust you.” Her mouth went slack and her muscles loosened beneath my hands. “Just… be gentle.”

I sported a sad smile Livvie couldn’t see. The first time she’d said those words to me, she’d thought I was about to make love to her. Instead, she’d told me she loved me and I’d been cruel. I wouldn’t make the same mistake.

I settled the length of my body on top of her. I kissed her shoulder.

“I promise, Kitten. I’ll stop if you don’t want it.” I pressed my cock against her. “Spread your legs.” There was no hesitation this time. Livvie’s thighs spread on either side of me in invitation.

I watched the side of her face intently as I moved my hips. My dick was slippery. I knew she could feel the heat and weight of it sliding between her cheeks. Penetration could not happen, and having removed the threat of it, I knew the temptation would be planted.

Livvie’s eyes were closed, only opening occasionally when accompanied by a shy moan. Her teeth worried at her lip and already her fingers were near her mouth. The pink stain of arousal painted her cheek.

I kissed her cheek, the back of her neck, her shoulder—faint little kisses that offered comfort but did nothing to soothe the heat of arousal. I wanted her delirious with desire. I wanted her pulsing with lust. I wanted her to beg.

I adjusted my angle and for the first time let the tip brush against her opening. It was an implicit suggestion, but only that. I wanted her to crave my domination as much as I desired her submission.

Triumph!

Livvie let out a pleading sound. Her hips made little thrusts before she could help it. I went back to rocking against her. I treasured Livvie’s sigh of disappointment, the way she forced her hips to stop moving.

“Tell me what you want,” I said hotly in her ear.

She frowned, resisting.

I pulled my hips back and brushed her hole with an oiled finger. I pressed inside slowly, only to the first knuckle. Livvie was moaning loudly. I withdrew.

“Tell me.”

“Please, Caleb.” She lifted tail.

“Tell me.” I held the tip of my cock against her and pushed gently.

“Oh god!” She fisted the sheets and arched her back. “Please, Caleb. I need you.”

That was certainly good enough for me. However, having suddenly gained the submission I desired, I wondered if I was perhaps wrong to accept.

I kissed Livvie’s shoulder.

“Thank you for that. I know I’m a difficult man to trust.” My fingers found her wet flesh and slipped inside. It was familiar territory. It did not require me to be overly gentle or careful. It did not require her to bend her will to mine. It was safe.

Livvie hissed in arousal. Her hips moved as much as they were able beneath my weight.

“What are you doing?” Her voice carried on little more than breath.

I curved my fingers downward, pressing against the front of her inner walls. I knew I could make her come that way.

“I thought it was obvious. First, I’m going to make you come and then I’m going to fuck you until you do it again. And maybe once more after that.”

She whimpered. I lived for that sound.

“But… I thought… oh god… right there.” A series of moans and incoherent begging filled the small, intimate space between Livvie’s mouth and my ears. A wet rush escaped around my buried fingers. Livvie’s body was rigid, hijacked by her orgasm. And then she went limp. I slowly withdrew my fingers. I was eager to replace them.

“No, Caleb,” she murmured into the bedding. “Not like that.”

“Not like what?”

“I know what you want.”

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I want it to hurt,” she whispered.

Her hair was matted to her forehead. Her body was flushed, and her eyes were closed. She didn’t acknowledge my tense reaction. She didn’t open her eyes to take in the moment. She seemed afloat in her bliss despite asking me to hurt her. Who the hell are you?

“You want me to hurt you?” I whispered.

She was quiet for a moment.

“I trust you, Caleb.”

“But…”

“Shhh,” she cooed. “Don’t analyze it. Just do it.”

With more than a small amount of trepidation, I did. I pressed into her ass in miniscule degrees. I could hear her breathing, deep breaths, in and out. She was willing me into her body through her submission. She kept herself open and ready.

My heart beat with enough force to leave a bruise in my chest. I didn’t understand. She wanted me to change. She wanted someone different. Didn’t she? Why was she baiting me? Part of me didn’t care. I wanted it too much to care. I focused on my shallow thrusts. I focused on the pressure surrounding me and the dull scrape of every hard-earned inch I buried.

Livvie whimpered. It was a sound born of pain. I held myself perfectly still.

“More,” she whispered. I obeyed.

There were tears in her eyes by the time I was fully inside. I was almost afraid to move, but equally as determined to take what Livvie had so boldly offered. My mind was befuddled—my body was not.

“Last chance,” I said. I pressed my lips to her cheek and they came away wet. I licked my lips to ingest her tears. I had tasted her sadness. I had tasted her joy. I wondered what kind of tears I tasted in that moment.

“Please,” and her rocking hips were her response.

I was so tangled up inside, it was a relief to let my body take over. I let myself fall: into a rhythm, into the void, into Livvie. I let her moans, whimpers, and cries into my ears. I answered them with groans, grunts, and hisses