Ulysses

  —I know that fellow, says Joe, from bitter experience.

  —Cockburn. Dimsey, wife of Davie Dimsey, late of the admiralty: Miller, Tottenham, aged eightyfive: Welsh, June 12, at 35 Canning Street, Liverpool, Isabella Helen. How’s that for a national press, eh, my brown son? How’s that for Martin Murphy, the Bantry jobber?

  —Ah, well, says Joe, handing round the boose. Thanks be to God they had the start of us. Drink that, citizen.

  —I will, says he, honourable person.

  —Health, Joe, says I. And all down the form.

  Ah! Ow! Don’t be talking! I was blue mouldy for the want of that pint. Declare to God I could hear it hit the pit of my stomach with a click.

  And lo, as they quaffed their cup of joy, a godlike messenger came swiftly in, radiant as the eye of heaven, a comely youth, and behind him there passed an elder of noble gait and countenance, bearing the sacred scrolls of law, and with him his lady wife, a dame of peerless lineage, fairest of her race.

  Little Alf Bergan popped in round the door and hid behind Barney’s snug, squeezed up with the laughing, and who was sitting up there in the corner that I hadn’t seen snoring drunk, blind to the world, only Bob Doran. I didn’t know what was up and Alf kept making signs out of the door. And begob what was it only that bloody old pantaloon Denis Breen in his bath slippers with two bloody big books tucked under his oxter and the wife hotfoot after him, unfortunate wretched woman trotting like a poodle. I thought Alf would split.

  —Look at him, says he. Breen. He’s traipsing all round Dublin with a postcard someone sent him with u. p.: up on it to take a li …

  And he doubled up.

  —Take a what? says I.

  —Libel action, says he, for ten thousand pounds.

  —O hell! says I.

  The bloody mongrel began to growl that’d put the fear of God in you seeing something was up but the citizen gave him a kick in the ribs.

  —Bi i dho husht, says he.

  —Who? says Joe.

  —Breen, says Alf. He was in John Henry Menton’s and then he went round to Collis and Ward’s and then Tom Rochford met him and sent him round to the subsheriff’s for a lark. O God, I’ve a pain laughing. U. p.: up. The long fellow gave him an eye as good as a process and now the bloody old lunatic is gone round to Green Street to look for a G. man.

  —When is long John going to hang that fellow in Mountjoy? says Joe.

  —Bergan, says Bob Doran, waking up. Is that Alf Bergan?

  —Yes, says Alf. Hanging? Wait till I show you. Here, Terry, give us a pony. That bloody old fool! Ten thousand pounds. You should have seen long John’s eye. U. p …

  And he started laughing.

  —Who are you laughing at? says Bob Doran. Is that Bergan?

  —Hurry up, Terry boy, says Alf.

  Terence O’Ryan heard him and straightway brought him a crystal cup full of the foaming ebon ale which the noble twin brothers Bungiveagh and Bungardilaun brew ever in their divine alevats, cunning as the sons of deathless Leda. For they garner the succulent berries of the hop and mass and sift and bruise and brew them and they mix therewith sour juices and bring the must to the sacred fire and cease not night or day from their toil, those cunning brothers, lords of the vat.

  Then did you, chivalrous Terence, hand forth, as to the manner born, that nectarous beverage and you offered the crystal cup to him that thirsted, the soul of chivalry, in beauty akin to the immortals.

  But he, the young chief of the O’Bergan’s, could ill brook to be outdone in generous deeds but gave therefor with gracious gesture a testoon of costliest bronze. Thereon embossed in excellent smithwork was seen the image of a queen of regal port, scion of the house of Brunswick, Victoria her name, Her Most Excellent Majesty, by grace of God of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland and of the British dominions beyond the sea, queen, defender of the faith, Empress of India, even she, who bore rule, a victress over many peoples, the wellbeloved, for they knew and loved her from the rising of the sun to the going down thereof, the pale, the dark, the ruddy and the ethiop.

  —What’s that bloody freemason doing, says the citizen, prowling up and down outside?

  —What’s that? says Joe.

  —Here you are, says Alf, chucking out the rhino Talking about hanging. I’ll show you something you never saw. Hangmen’s letters. Look at here.

  So he took a bundle of wisps of letters and envelopes out of his pocket.

  —Are you codding? says I.

  —Honest injun, says Alf. Read them.

  So Joe took up the letters.

  —Who are you laughing at? says Bob Doran.

  So I saw there was going to be bit of a dust. Bob’s a queer chap when the porter’s up in him so sap I just to make talk:

  —How’s Willy Murray those times, Alf?

  —I don’t know, says Alf. I saw him just now in Capel Street with Paddy Dignam. Only I was running after that …

  —You what? says Joe, throwing down the letters. With who?

  —With Dignam, says Alf.

  —Is it Paddy? says Joe.

  —Yes, says Alf. Why?

  —Don’t you know he’s dead? says Joe.

  —Paddy Dignam dead? says Alf.

  —Ay, says Joe.

  —Sure I’m after seeing him not five minutes ago, says Alf, as plain as a pikestaff.

  —Who’s dead? says Bob Doran.

  —You saw his ghost then, says Joe, God between us and harm.

  —What? says Alf. Good Christ, only five …What? …and Willie Murray with him, the two of them there near whatdoyoucallhim’s …What? Dignam dead?

  —What about Dignam? says Bob Doran. Who’s talking about …?

  —Dead! says Alf. He is no more dead than you are.

  —Maybe so, says Joe. They took the liberty of burying him this morning anyhow.

  —Paddy? says Alf.

  —Ay, says Joe. He paid the debt of nature, God be merciful to him.

  —Good Christ! says Alf.

  Begob he was what you might call flabbergasted.

  In the darkness spirit hands were felt to flutter and when prayer by tantras had been directed to the proper quarter a faint but increasing luminosity of ruby light became gradually visible, the apparition of the etheric double being particularly lifelike owing to the discharge of jivic rays from the crown of the head and face. Communication was effected through the pituitary body and also by means of the orangefiery and scarlet rays emanating from the sacral region and solar plexus. Questioned by his earthname as to his whereabouts in the heaven-world he stated that he was now on the path of prālāyā or return but was still submitted to trial at the hands of certain bloodthirsty entities on the lower astral levels. In reply to a question as to his first sensations in the great divide beyond he stated that previously he had seen as in a glass darkly but that those who had passed over had summit possibilities of atmic development opened up to them. Interrogated as to whether life there resembled our experience in the flesh he stated that he had heard from more favoured beings now in the spirit that their abodes were equipped with every modern home comfort such as tālāfānā, ālāvātār, hātākāldā, wātāklāsāt and that the highest adepts were steeped in waves of volupcy of the very purest nature. Having requested a quart of buttermilk this was brought and evidently afforded relief. Asked if he had any message for the living he exhorted all who were still at the wrong side of Māyā to acknowledge the true path for it was reported in devanic circles that Mars and Jupiter were out for mischief on the eastern angle where the ram has power. It was then queried whether there were any special desires on the part of the defunct and the reply was: We greet you, friends of earth, who are still in the body. Mind C. K. doesn’t pile it on. It was ascertained that the reference was to Mr Cornelius Kelleher, manager of Messrs H. J. O’Neill’s popular funeral establishment, a personal friend of the defunct, who had been responsible for the carrying out of the interment arrangements. Before departing he requested tha
t it should be told to his dear son Patsy that the other boot which he had been looking for was at present under the commode in the return room and that the pair should be sent to Cullen’s to be soled only as the heels were still good. He stated that this had greatly perturbed his peace of mind in the other region and earnestly requested that his desire should be made known.

  Assurances were given that the matter would be attended to and it was intimated that this had given satisfaction.

  He is gone from mortal haunts: O’Dignam, sun of our morning. Fleet was his foot on the bracken: Patrick of the beamy brow. Wail, Banba, with your wind: and wail, O ocean, with your whirlwind.

  —There he is again, says the citizen, staring out.

  —Who? says I.

  —Bloom, says he. He’s on point duty up and down there for the last ten minutes.

  And, begob, I saw his physog do a peep in and then slidder off again.

  Little Alf was knocked bawways. Faith, he was.

  —Good Christ! says he. I could have sworn it was him.

  And says Bob Doran, with the hat on the back of his poll, lowest blackguard in Dublin when he’s under the influence:

  —Who said Christ is good?

  —I beg your parsnips, says Alf.

  —Is that a good Christ, says Bob Doran, to take away poor little Willy Dignam?

  —Ah, well, says Alf, trying to pass it off. He’s over all his troubles.

  But Bob Doran shouts out of him.

  —He’s a bloody ruffian I say, to take away poor little Willy Dignam.

  Terry came down and tipped him the wink to keep quiet, that they didn’t want that kind of talk in a respectable licensed premises. And Bob Doran starts doing the weeps about Paddy Dignam, true as you’re there.

  —The finest man, says he, snivelling, the finest purest character.

  The tear is bloody near your eye. Talking through his bloody hat. Fitter for him to go home to the little sleep-walking bitch he married, Mooney, the bumbailiff’s daughter. Mother kept a kip in Hardwicke street that used to be stravaging about the landings Bantam Lyons told me that was stopping there at two in the morning without a stitch on her, exposing her person, open to all comers, fair field and no favour.

  —The noblest, the truest, says he. And he’s gone, poor little Willy, poor little Paddy Dignam.

  And mournful and with a heavy heart he bewept the extinction of that beam of heaven.

  Old Garryowen started growling again at Bloom that was skeezing round the door.

  —Come in, come on, he won’t eat you, says the citizen.

  So Bloom slopes in with his cod’s eye on the dog and he asks Terry was Martin Cunningham there.

  —O, Christ M’Keown, says Joe, reading one of the letters. Listen to this, will you?

  And he starts reading out one.

  7, Hunter Street, Liverpool.

  To the High Sheriff of Dublin, Dublin.

  Honoured sir i beg to offer my services in the above-mentioned painful case i hanged Joe Gann in Boothle jail on the 12 of February 1900 and i hanged …

  —Show us, Joe, says I.

  —... private Arthur Chace for fowl murder of Jessie Tilsit in Pentonville prison and i was assistant when …

  —Jesus, says I.

  —… Billington executed the awful murderer Toad Smith …

  The citizen made a grab at the letter.

  —Hold hard, says Joe, i have a special nack of putting the noose once in he can’t get out hoping to be favoured i remain, honoured sir, my terms is five ginnese.

  H. Rumbold,

  Master Barber.

  —And a barbarous bloody barbarian he is too, says the citizen.

  —And the dirty scrawl of the wretch, says Joe. Here, says he, take them to hell out of my sight, Alf. Hello, Bloom, says he, what will you have?

  So they started arguing about the point, Bloom saying he wouldn’t and couldn’t and excuse him no offence and all to that and then he said well he’d just take a cigar. Gob, he’s a prudent member and no mistake.

  —Give us one of your prime stinkers, Terry, says Joe.

  And Alf was telling us there was one chap sent in a mourning card with a black border round it.

  —They’re all barbers, says he, from the black country that would hang their own fathers for five quid down and travelling expenses.

  And he was telling us there’s two fellows waiting below to pull his heels down when he gets the drop and choke him properly and then they chop up the rope after and sell the bits for a few bob a skull.

  In the dark land they bide, the vengeful knights of the razor. Their deadly coil they grasp: yea, and therein they lead to Erebus whatsoever wight hath done a deed of blood for I will on nowise suffer it even so saith the Lord.

  So they started talking about capital punishment and of course Bloom comes out with the why and the wherefore and all the codology of the business and the old dog smelling him all the time I’m told those Jewies does have a sort of a queer odour coming off them for dogs about I don’t know what all deterrent effect and so forth and so on.

  —There’s one thing it hasn’t a deterrent effect on, says Alf.

  —What’s that? says Joe.

  —The poor bugger’s tool that’s being hanged, says Alf.

  —That so? says Joe.

  —God’s truth, says Alf. I heard that from the head warder that was in Kilmainham when they hanged Joe Brady, the invincible. He told me when they cut him down after the drop it was standing up in their faces like a poker.

  —Ruling passion strong in death, says Joe, as someone said.

  —That can be explained by science, says Bloom. It’s only a natural phenomenon, don’t you see, because on account of the …

  And then he starts with his jawbreakers about phenomenon and science and this phenomenon and the other phenomenon.

  The distinguished scientist Herr Professor Luitpold Blumenduft tendered medical evidence to the effect that the instantaneous fracture of the cervical vertebrae and consequent scission of the spinal cord would, according to the best approved traditions of medical science, be calculated to inevitably produce in the human subject a violent ganglionic stimulus of the nerve centres, causing the pores of the corpora cavernosa to rapidly dilate in such a way as to instantaneously facilitate the flow of blood to that part of the human anatomy known as the penis or male organ resulting in the phenomenon which has been dominated by the faculty a morbid upwards and outwards philoprogenitive erection in articulo mortis per diminutionem capitis.

  So of course the citizen was only waiting for the wink of the word and he starts gassing out of him about the invincibles and the old guard and the men of sixtyseven and who fears to speak of ninetyeight and Joe with him about all the fellows that were hanged, drawn and transported for the cause by drumhead courtmartial and a new Ireland and new this, that and the other. Talking about new Ireland he ought to go and get a new dog so he ought. Mangy ravenous brute sniffling and sneezing all round the place and scratching his scabs and round he goes to Bob Doran that was standing Alf a half one sucking up for what he could get. So of course Bob Doran starts doing the bloody fool with him:

  —Give us the paw! Give the paw, doggy! Good old doggy. Give us the paw here! Give us the paw!

  Arrah! bloody end to the paw he’d paw and Alf trying to keep him from tumbling off the bloody stool atop of the bloody old dog and he talking all kinds of drivel about training by kindness and thoroughbred dog and intelligent dog: give you the bloody pip. Then he starts scraping a few bits of old biscuit out of the bottom of a Jacob’s tin he told Terry to bring. Gob, he golloped it down like old boots and his tongue hanging out of him a yard long for more. Near ate the tin and all, hungry bloody mongrel.

  And the citizen and Bloom having an argument about the point, the brothers Sheares and Wolfe Tone beyond on Arbour Hill and Robert Emmet and die for your country, the Tommy Moore touch about Sara Curran and she’s far from the land. And Bloom, of course, with his knockmedow
n cigar putting on swank with his lardy face. Phenomenon! The fat heap he married is a nice old phenomenon with a back on her like a ballalley. Time they were stopping up in the City Arms Pisser Burke told me there was an old one there with a cracked loodheramaun of a nephew and Bloom trying to get the soft side of her doing the mollycoddle playing bézique to come in for a bit of the wampum in her will and not eating meat of a Friday because the old one was always thumping her craw and taking the lout out for a walk. And one time he led him the rounds of Dublin and, by the holy farmer, he never cried crack till he brought him home as drunk as a boiled owl and he said he did it to teach him the evils of alcohol and by herrings if the three women didn’t near roast him it’s a queer story, the old one, Bloom’s wife and Mrs O’Dowd that kept the hotel. Jesus, I had to laugh at Pisser Burke taking them off chewing the fat and Bloom with his but don’t you see? and but on the other hand. And sure, more be token, the lout I’m told was in Power’s after, the blender’s, round in Cope street going home footless in a cab five times in the week after drinking his way through all the samples in the bloody establishment. Phenomenon!

  —The memory of the dead, says the citizen taking up his pintglass and glaring at Bloom.

  —Ay, ay, says Joe.

  —You don’t grasp my point, says Bloom. What I mean is …

  —Sinn Fein! says the citizen. Sinn fein amhain! The friends we love are by our side and the foes we hate before us.

  The last farewell was affecting in the extreme. From the belfries far and near the funereal deathbell tolled unceasingly while all around the gloomy precincts rolled the ominous warning of a hundred muffled drums punctuated by the hollow booming of pieces of ordnance. The deafening claps of thunder and the dazzling flashes of lightning which lit up the ghastly scene testified that the artillery of heaven had lent its super-natural pomp to the already gruesome spectacle. A torrential rain poured down from the floodgates of the angry heavens upon the bared heads of the assembled multitude which numbered at the lowest computation five hundred thousand persons. A posse of Dublin Metropolitan police superintended by the Chief Commissioner in person maintained order in the vast throng for whom the York Street brass and reed band whiled away the intervening time by admirably rendering on their blackdraped instruments the matchless melody endeared to us from the cradle by Speranza’s plaintive muse. Special quick excursion trains and upholstered charabancs had been provided for the comfort of our country cousins of whom there were large contingents. Considerable amusement was caused by the favourite Dublin streetsingers L-n-h-n and M-ll-g-n who sang The Night before Larry was stretched in their usual mirth-provoking fashion. Our two inimitable drolls did a roaring trade with their broadsheets among lovers of the comedy element and nobody who has a corner in his heart for real Irish fun without vulgarity will grudge them their hardearned pennies. The children of the Male and Female Foundling Hospital who thronged the windows overlooking the scene were delighted with this unexpected addition to the day’s entertainment and a word of praise is due to the Little Sisters of the Poor for their excellent idea of affording the poor fatherless and motherless children a genuinely instructive treat. The viceregal houseparty which included many well-known ladies was chaperoned by Their Excellencies to the most favourable positions on the grand stand while the picturesque foreign delegation known as the Friends of the Emerald Isle was accommodated on a tribune directly opposite. The delegation, present in full force, consisted of Commendatore Bacibaci Beninobenone (the semiparalysed doyen of the party who had to be assisted to his seat by the aid of a powerful steam crane), Monsieur Pierrepaul Petitépatant, the Grandjoker Vladinmire Pokethankertscheff, the Archjoker Leopold Rudolph von Schwanzenbad-Hodenthaler, Countess Marha Virága Kisászony Putrápesthi, Hiram Y. Bomboost, Count Athanatos Karamelopulos. Ali Baba Backsheesh Rahat Lokum Effendi, Señor Hidalgo Caballero Don Pecadillo y Palabras y Paternoster de la Malora de la Malaria, Hokopoko Harakiri, Hi Hung Chang, Olaf Kobber-keddelsen, Mynheer Trik van Trumps, Pan Poleaxe Paddyrisky, Goosepond Prhklstr Kratchinabritchisitch, Herr Hurhausdirektorpräsident Hans Chuechli-Steuerli, Nationalgymnasiummuseumsanatoriumandsuspen- soriumsordinarvprivatdocentgeneralhistoryspecialprofes-sordoctor Kriegfried Ueberallgemein. All the delegates without exception expressed themselves in the strongest possible heterogeneous terms concerning the nameless barbarity which they had been called upon to witness. An animated altercation (in which all took part) ensued among F. O. T. E. I. as to whether the eighth or the ninth of March was the correct date of the birth of Ireland’s patron saint. In the course of the argument cannonballs, scimitars, boomerangs, blunderbusses, stinkpots, meatchoppers, umbrellas, catapults, knuckledusters, sandbags, lumps of pig iron were resorted to and blows were freely exchanged. The baby policeman, Constable MacFadden, summoned by special courier from Booterstown, quickly restored order and with lightning promptitude proposed the seventeenth of the month as a solution equally honourable for both contending parties. The readywitted ninefooter’s suggestion at once appealed to all and was unanimously accepted. Constable MacFadden was heartily congratulated by all the F.O.T.E.I., several of whom were bleeding profusely. Commendatore Beninobenone having been extricated from underneath the presidential armchair, it was explained by his legal adviser Avvocato Pagamimi that the various articles secreted in his thirtytwo pockets had been abstracted by him during the affray from the pockets of his junior colleagues in the hope of bringing them to their senses. The objects (which included several hundred ladies’ and gentlemen’s gold and silver watches) were promptly restored to their rightful owners and general harmony reigned supreme.