Ulysses

  FATHER MALACHI O’FLYNN: Introibo ad altare diaboli.

  THE REVEREND MR HAINES LOVE: To the devil which hath made glad my young days.

  FATHER MALACHI O’FLYNN: (Takes from the chalice and elevates a blooddripping host) Corpus Meum.

  THE REVEREND MR HAINES LOVE: (Raises high behind the celebrant’s petticoats, revealing his grey bare hairy buttocks between which a carrot is stuck) My body.

  THE VOICE OF ALL THE DAMNED: Htengier Tnetopinmo Dog Drol eht rof, Aiulella!

  (From on high the voice of Adonai calls)

  ADONAI: Dooooooooooog!

  the voice of all the blessed: Alleluia, for the Lord

  God Omnipotent reigneth!

  (From on high the voice of Adonai calls)

  ADONAI: Goooooooooood!

  (In strident discord peasants and tovmsmen of Orange and Green factions sing Kick the Pope and Daily, daily sing to Mary)

  PRIVATE CARR: (With ferocious articulation) I’ll do him in, so help me fucking Christ! I’ll wring the bastard fucker’s bleeding blasted fucking windpipe!

  OLD GUMMY GRANNY: (Thrustsa dagger towards Stephen’s hand) Remove him, acushla. At 8.35 a.m. you will be in heaven and Ireland will be free. (She prays) O good God, take him!

  BLOOM: (Runs to Lynch) Can’t you get him away?

  LYNCH: He likes dialectic, the universal language. Kitty!

  (To Bloom) Get him away, you. He won’t listen to me.

  (He drags Kitty away.)

  STEPHEN: (Points) Exit Judas. Et laqueo se suspendit.

  BLOOM: (Runs to Stephen) Come along with me now before worse happens. Here’s your stick.

  STEPHEN: Stick, no. Reason. This feast of pure reason.

  CISSY CAFFREY: (Pulling Private Carr) Come on, you’re boosed. He insulted me but I forgive him. (Shouting in his ear) I forgive him for insulting me.

  BLOOM: (Over Stephen’s shoulder) Yes, go. You see he’s incapable.

  PRIVATE CARR: (Breaks loose) I’ll insult him.

  (He rushes towards Stephen, fists outstretched, and strikes him in the face. Stephen totters, collapses, falls stunned. He lies prone, his face to the sky, his hat rolling to the wall. Bloom follows and picks it up)

  MAJOR TWEEDY: (Loudly) Carbine in bucket! Cease fire! Salute!

  THE RETRIEVER: (Barkingfuriously) Ute ute ute ute ute ute ute ute.

  THE CROWD: Let him up! Don’t strike him when he’s down! Air! Who? The soldier hit him. He’s a professor.

  Is he hurted? Don’t manhandle him! He’s fainted!

  (The retriever, nosing on the fringe of the crowd, barks noisily)

  A HAG: What call had the redcoat to strike the gentleman and he under the influence? Let them go and fight the Boers!

  THE BAWD: Listen to who’s talking! Hasn’t the soldier a right to go with his girl? He gave him the coward’s blow.

  (Tkey grab at each other’s hair, claw at each other and spit)

  THE RETRIEVER: (Barking) Wow wow wow.

  BLOOM: (Shoves them back, loudly) Get back, stand back!

  PRIVATE COMPTON: (Tugging his comrade) Here bugger off, Harry. There’s the cops!

  (Two raincaped watch, tall, stand in the group.)

  FIRST WATCH: What’s wrong here?

  PRIVATE COMPTON: We were with this lady and he insulted us and assaulted my chum. (The retriever barks)

  Who owns the bleeding tyke?

  CISSY CAFFREY: (With expectation) Is he bleeding?

  A MAN: (Rising from his knees) No. Gone off. He’ll come to all right.

  BLOOM: (Glances sharply at the man) Leave him to me.

  I can easily…

  SECOND WATCH: Who are you? Do you know him?

  PRIVATE CARR: (Lurches towards the watch) He insulted my lady friend.

  BLOOM: (Angrily) You hit him without provocation.

  I’m a witness. Constable, take his regimental number.

  SECOND WATCH: I don’t want your instructions in the discharge of my duty.

  PRIVATE COMPTON: (Pulling his comrade) Here, bugger off, Harry. Or Bennett’ll have you in the lockup.

  PRIVATE CARR: (Staggering as he is pulled away) God fuck old Bennett! He’s a whitearsed bugger. I don’t give a shit for him.

  FIRST WATCH: (Taking out his notebook) What’s his name?

  BLOOM: (Peering over the crowd) I just see a car there.

  If you give me a hand a second, sergeant…

  FIRST WATCH: Name and address.

  (Corny Kelleher, weepers round his hat, a death wreath in his hand, appears among the bystanders)

  BLOOM: (Quickly) O, the very man! (He whispers) Simon Dedalus’ son. A bit sprung. Get those policemen to move those loafers back.

  SECOND WATCH: Night, Mr Kelleher.

  CORNY KELLEHER: (TO the watch, with drawling eye) That’s all right. I know him. Won a bit on the races.

  Gold cup. Throwaway. (He laughs) Twenty to one. Do you follow me?

  FIRST WATCH: (Turns to the crowd) Here, what are you all gaping at? Move on out of that. (The crowd disperses slowly, muttering, down the lane.)

  CORNY KELLEHER: Leave it to me, sergeant. That’ll be all right. (He laughs, shaking his head) We were often as bad ourselves, ay or worse. What? Eh, what?

  FIRST WATCH: (Laughs) I suppose so.

  CORNY KELLEHER (Nudges the second watch) Come and wipe your name off the slate. (He lilts, wagging his head)

  With my tooraloom tooraloom tooraloom tooraloom.

  What, eh, do you follow me?

  SECOND WATCH: (Genially) Ah, sure we were too.

  CORNY KELLEHER: (Winking) Boys will be boys. I’ve a car round there.

  SECOND WATCH: All right, Mr Kelleher. Good night.

  CORNY KELLEHER: I’ll see to that.

  BLOOM: (Shakes hands with both of the watch in turn) Thank you very much gentlemen, thank you. (He mumbles confidentially) We don’t want any scandal, you understand. Father is a well known, highly respected citizen. Just a little wild oats, you understand.

  FIRST WATCH: O, I understand, sir.

  SECOND WATCH: That’s all right, sir.

  FIRST WATCH: It was only in case of corporal injuries I’d have had to report it at the station.

  BLOOM: (Nods rapidly) Naturally. Quite right. Only your bounden duty.

  SECOND WATCH: It’s our duty.

  CORNY KELLEHER: Good night, men.

  THE WATCH: (Saluting together) Night, gentlemen. (They move off with slow heavy tread)

  BLOOM: (Blows) Providential you came on the scene.

  You have a car? !…

  CORNY KELLEHER: (Laughs, pointing his thumb over his right shoulder to the car brought up against the scaffolding) Two commercials that were standing fizz in Jammet’s. Like princes, faith. One of them lost two quid on the race. Drowning his grief and were on for a go with the jolly girls. So I landed them up on Behan’s car and down to nighttown.

  BLOOM: I was just going home by Gardiner street when I happened to…

  CORNY KELLEHER: (Laughs) Sure they wanted me to join in with the mots. No, by God, sap I. Not for old stagers like myself and yourself. (He laughs again and leers with lacklustre eye) Thanks be to God we have it in the house what, eh, do you follow me? Hah! hah! hah!

  BLOOM: (Tries to laugh) He, he, he! Yes. Matter of fact I was just visiting an old friend of mine there, Virag, you don’t know him (poor fellow he’s laid up for the past week) and we had a liquor together and I was just making my way home?

  (The horse neighs)

  THE HORSE: Hohohohohohoh! Hohohohome!

  CORNY KELLEHER: Sure it was Behan, our jarvey there, that told me after we left the two commercials in Mrs Cohen’s and I told him to pull up and got off to see. (He laughs) Sober hearsedrivers a speciality. Will I give him a lift home? Where does he hang out? Somewhere in Cabra, what?

  BLOOM: No, in Sandycove, I believe, from what he let drop.

  (Stephen, prone, breathes to the stars. Corny Kelleher, asquint, drawls at the horse. Bloom in gloom, looms down.)
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  CORNY KELLEHER: (Scratches his nape) Sandycove! (He bends down and calls to Stephen) Eh! (He calls again) Eh! He’s covered with shavings anyhow. Take care they didn’t lift anything off him.

  BLOOM: No, no, no. I have his money and his hat here and stick.

  CORNY KELLEHER: Ah well, he’ll get over it. No bones broken. Well, I’ll shove along. (He laughs) I’ve a rendezvous in the morning. Burying the dead. Safe home!

  THE HORSE: (Neighs) Hohohohohome.

  BLOOM: Good night. I’ll just wait and take him along in a few…

  (Corny Kelleher returns to the outside car and mounts it. The horse harness jingles.)

  CORNY KELLEHER: (From the car, standing) Night.

  BLOOM: Night.

  (Thejarvey chucks the reins and raises his whip encouragingly. The car and horse back slowly, awkwardly and turn. Corny Kelleher on the sideseat sways his head to and fro in sign of mirth at Bloom’s plight. The jarvey joins in the mute pantomimic merriment nodding from the farther seat. Bloom shakes his head in mute mirthful reply. With thumb and palm Corny Kelleher reassures that the two bobbies will allow the sleep to continue for what else is to be done. With a slow nod Bloom conveys his gratitude as that is exactly what Stephen needs. The car jingles tooraloom round the corner of the tooraloom lane. Corny Kelleher again reassuralooms with his hand. Bloom with his hand assuralooms Corny Kelleher that he is reassuraloomtay. The tinkling hoofs and jingling harness grow fainter with their tooralooloolooloo lay. Bloom, holding in his hand Stephen’s hat festooned with shavings and ashplant, stands irresolute. Then he bends to him and shakes him by the shoulder!)

  BLOOM: Eh! Ho! (There is no answer; he bends again) Mr Dedalus! (There is no answer) The name if you call. Somnambulist. (He bends again and, hesitating, brings his mouth near the face of the prostrate form) Stephen! (There is no answer. He calls again!) Stephen!

  STEPHEN: (Groans) Who? Black panther vampire. (He sighs and stretches himself, then murmurs thickly with prolonged vowels)

  Who…drive…Fergus now.

  And pierce…wood’s woven shade?…

  (He turns on his left side, sighing, doubling himself together)

  BLOOM: Poetry. Well educated. Pity. (He bends again and undoes the buttons of Stephen’s waistcoat) To breathe. (He brushes the wood shavings from Stephen’s clothes with light hands and fingers) One pound seven. Not hurt anyhow. (He listens) What!

  STEPHEN: (Murmurs)

  …shadows…the woods.

  …white breast…dim…

  (He stretches out his arms, sighs again and curls his body. Bloom holding his hat and ashplant stands erect. A dog barks in the distance. Bloom tightens and loosens his grip on the ashplant. He looks down on Stephen’s face and form)

  BLOOM: (Communes with the night) Face reminds me of his poor mother. In the shady wood. The deep white breast. Ferguson, I think I caught. A girl. Some girl.

  Best thing could happen him…(He murmurs)…swear that I will always hail, ever conceal, never reveal, any part or parts, art or arts…(He murmurs) in the rough sands of the sea…a cabletow’s length from the shore…where the tide ebbs…and flows…

  (Silent, thoughtful, alert, he stands on guard, his fingers at his lips in the attitude of secret master. Against the dark wall a figure appears slowly, a fairy boy of eleven, a changeling, kidnapped, dressed in an Eton suit with glass shoes and a little bronze helmet, holding a book in his hand. He reads from right to left inaudibly, smiling, kissing the page.)

  BLOOM: (Wonderstruck, calls inaudibly) Rudy!

  RUDY: (Gazes unseeing into Bloom’s eyes and goes on reading, kissing, smiling. He has a delicate mauve face. On his suit he has diamond and ruby buttons. In his free left hand he holds a slim ivory cane with a violet bowknot. A white lambkin peeps out of his waistcoat pocket)

  III

  PREPARATORY to anything else Mr Bloom brushed off the greater bulk of the shavings and handed Stephen the hat and ashplant and bucked him up generally in orthodox Samaritan fashion, which he very badly needed. His (Stephen’s) mind was not exactly what you would call wandering but a bit unsteady and on his expressed desire for some beverage to drink Mr Bloom, in view of the hour it was and there being no pumps of Vartry water available for their ablutions, let alone drinking purposes, hit upon an expedient by suggesting, off the reel, the propriety of the cabman’s shelter, as it was called, hardly a stonesthrow away near Butt Bridge, where they might hit upon some drinkables in the shape of a milk and soda or a mineral. But how to get there was the rub. For the nonce he was rather nonplussed but inasmuch as the duty plainly devolved upon him to take some measures on the subject he pondered suitable ways and means during which Stephen repeatedly yawned. So far as he could see he was rather pale in the face so that it occurred to him as highly advisable to get a conveyance of some description which would answer in their then condition, both of them being e. d. ed, particularly Stephen, always assuming that there was such a thing to be found. Accordingly, after a few such preliminaries, as, in spite of his having forgotten to take up his rather soapsuddy handkerchief after it had done yeoman service in the shaving line, brushing, they both walked together along Beaver street, or, more properly, lane, as far as the farrier’s and the distinctly fetid atmosphere of the livery stables at the corner of Montgomery street where they made tracks to the left from thence debouching into Amiens Street round by the corner of Dan Bergin’s. But, as he confidently anticipated, there was not a sign of a Jehu plying for hire anywhere to be seen except a fourwheeler, probably engaged by some fellows inside on the spree, outside the North Star Hotel and there was no symptom of its budging a quarter of an inch when Mr Bloom, who was anything but a professional whistler, endeavoured to hail it by emitting a kind of a whistle, holding his arms arched over his head, twice.

  This was a quandary but, bringing commonsense to bear on it, evidently there was nothing for it but put a good face on the matter and foot it which they accordingly did. So, bevelling around by Mullet’s and the Signal House, which they shortly reached, they proceeded perforce in the direction of Amiens street railway terminus, Mr Bloom being handicapped by the circumstance that one of the back buttons of his trousers had, to vary the timehonoured adage, gone the way of all buttons, though, entering thoroughly into the spirit of the thing, he heroically made light of the mischance. So, as neither of them were particularly pressed for time, as it happened, and the temperature refreshing since it cleared up after the recent visitation of Jupiter Pluvius, they dandered along past by where the empty vehicle was waiting without a fare or a jarvey. As it so happened a Dublin United Tramways Company’s sandstrewer happening to be returning the elder man recounted to his companion à propos of the incident his own truly miraculous escape of some little while back. They passed the main entrance of the Great Northern railway station, the starting point for Belfast, where of course all traffic was suspended at that late hour, and, passing the back door of the morgue (a not very enticing locality, not to say gruesome to a degree, more especially at night), ultimately gained the Dock Tavern and in due course turned into Store street, famous for its C division police station. Between this point and the high, at present unlit, warehouses of Beresford Place Stephen thought to think of Ibsen, associated with Baird’s, the stonecutter’s, in his mind somehow in Talbot Place, first turning on the right, while the other, who was acting as his fidus Achates, inhaled with internal satisfaction the smell of James Rourke’s city bakery, situated quite close to where they were, the very palatable odour indeed of our daily bread, of all commodities of the public the primary and most indispensable. Bread, the staff of life, earn your bread, O tell me where is fancy bread? At Rourke’s the baker’s, it is said.

  En route, to his taciturn, and, not to put too fine a point on it, not yet perfectly sober companion, Mr Bloom, who at all events, was in complete possession of his faculties, never more so, in fart disgustingly sober, spoke a word of caution re the dangers of nighttown, women of Illfame and swell mobsmen, which, barely
permissible once in a while, though not as a habitual practice, was of the nature of a regular deathtrap for young fellows of his age particularly if they had acquired drinking habits under the influence of liquor unless you knew a little juijitsu for every contingency as even a fellow on the broad of his back could administer a nasty kick if you didn’t look out. Highly providential was the appearance on the scene of Corny Kelleher when Stephen was blissfully unconscious that, but for that man in the gap turning up at the eleventh hour, the finis might have been that he might have been a candidate for the accident ward, or, failing that, the Bridewell and an appearance in the court next day before Air Tobias, or, he being the solicitor, rather old Wall, he meant to say, or Malony which simply spelt ruin for a chap when it got bruited about. The reason he mentioned the fact was that a lot of those policemen, whom he cordially disliked, were admittedly unscrupulous in the service of the Crown and, as Mr Bloom put it, recalling a case or two in the A Division in Clanbrassil street, prepared to swear a hole through a ten gallon pot. Never on the spot when wanted but in quiet parts of the city, Pembroke Road, for example, the guardians of the law were well in evidence, the obvious reason being they were paid to protect the upper classes. Another thing he commented on was equipping soldiers with firearms or sidearms of any description, liable to go off at any time, which was tantamount to inciting them against civilians should by any chance they fall out over anything. You frittered away your time, he very sensibly maintained, and health and also character besides which the squandermania of the thing3 fast women of the demimonde ran away with a lot of £. s. d. into the bargain and the greatest danger of all was who you got drunk with though, touching the much vexed question of stimulants, he relished a glass of choice old wine in season as both nourishing and blood-making and possessing aperient virtues (notably a good burgundy which he was a staunch believer in) still never beyond a certain point where he invariably drew the line as it simply led to trouble all round to say nothing of your being at the tender mercy of others practically. Most of all he commented adversely on the desertion of Stephen by all his pubhunting confrères but one, a most glaring piece of ratting on the part of his brother medicos under all the circs.