Vanishing Point

  Though she and Alec shared the excitement of her pregnancy, both being equally thrilled as he put his head against her swelling body to hear a heartbeat, somehow the process was something that only she, a woman, could deeply experience. It was the most defining difference between the genders. It was something a male could feel only vicariously, through the eyes of his partner. Even with his hand on her expanded, stretched belly to feel the moving foetus and seeing the glow of anticipated motherhood in his wife’s eyes, Alec’s joy was a pale reflection.

  Now Katherine felt the polar opposite. Any innate feelings of warmth were swamped, even drowned, by bitter anger. She didn’t think of the growing foetus as a baby, a child, a human-in-the-making but rather as an invasive canker. She hated the idea that this creature would grow and swell and eventually slide out as evidence of his power and her ultimate surrender. Her body had become just a medium, control over which she remained helpless.

  She wished she could rid herself of the pregnancy. Thoughts of abortion, even suicide, crossed her mind. But what of Carolyn? How could she do such a thing?

  So her anger turned from her unwanted foetus to him. Her captor. Her master. She identified very easily with the women in history, so often used as political tools to cement alliances, or worse, the poor women of war ravaged parts of the world where rape was used as a strategy of war, a mechanism to create fear and flight. Women were just property to be given to victorious men to satisfy their lusts. She began to hate men in general, not just for war and bloodshed but also for the misuse of their power and brute strength to subjugate women.

  The evening Bible readings with Benjamin emphasised the inferior position of women. They were always unimportant, to be used, sidelines to history. Their only role seemed to be that of a vessel for procreation. Male begat male. If infertile, it was always the woman at fault. Little had changed. The idea of abortion reminded her of men’s domination of women’s reproduction: from church to law. Men sat in judgement, men made the laws and men largely carried them out. Women were grossly under-represented in determining the moral issues of reproduction, yet women bore the greater physical burden.

  A tear slid down her cheek. Alec’s words came echoing back, ‘Life is unfair. The sooner we get used to it, the happier we’ll be.’ How she missed him. What was he doing right now?

  * * *

  Katherine carried on as usual, teaching Carolyn and working around the Factory. Karl visited occasionally and when her pregnancy became obvious, in spite of the kaftan-like coverings she had made from her ‘rewards’ he was as pleased as if he himself had impregnated her.

  On one of his visits he found her alone and approached her. ‘Well, now ya’s a real woman, eh?’ He came up behind her and put his arms around her. His hands met on the now obvious swelling. ‘A proper wife what fucks ‘er man. I’se real proud of ya. ‘Bout bloody time.’

  Katherine prised away his hands. ‘It’s none of your business. And you’ve no reason to be proud. Both you and Benjamin should be ashamed, as ashamed as I am. I had no choice.’

  Karl’s heady body odour and alcoholic breath made her nauseous. As he went to press his mouth against the back of her neck, Benjamin appeared around the corner of the building. Karl stepped back, said nothing and carried on with his work.

  During the evening meal he said, ‘Well, ya gunna be a Dad, eh,’ and slapped Benjamin on the back as Katherine served them. ‘Congrats, mate. A bubs of ya own. He kin help ya round ‘ere, come ‘roo shootin’ with me and we can make a fortune selling skins and honey, eh?’

  Even in her present state of mind Katherine noted that the assumption was that the unborn child would be male.

  Benjamin smiled at his friend. ‘Yeah. An’ I’ll remember it was ya what helped ‘er decide to be me wife, proper wife. Thanks, mate.’

  Karl ignored Katherine, which suited her just fine. He revolted her and her memories of how he had taught her to be submissive still rankled. It raised blushes when she thought of all the humiliations she endured to prevent Carolyn being hurt or more emotionally scarred than she no doubt already was.

  As the pregnancy advanced she increasingly worried about the birth. Carolyn had arrived easily. For her it had been a hospital, a supportive husband, doctors, nurses, and sterile environment. This time it was with a man she regarded almost as a rapist, no medical support and probably as far from sterile as one could get.

  Katherine was surprised when, as her time approached, Benjamin arranged for one of the Aboriginal women from Cundeelee to come and help her. Once more hope sprung up that Katherine could get news of her predicament out to the world. It was not to be. The woman brought to the Factory spoke only her own language and a very small amount of broken English.

  Apart from learning that her name was Jenny and that she had delivered many babies, Katherine learnt little else about this kind and gentle woman whose mouth seemed to be crinkled into a permanent smile. The women communicated by touching, pointing and through their mutual feminine instincts. They laughed together as their understanding grew.

  A baby boy was born towards the end of the year, as the summer heat was starting to cause waves of haze across the red sands. It was, as Katherine so desperately hoped, a relatively easy birth. Labour pains started in the early hours of the morning. Jenny was sleeping on a nearby mat. When Katherine’s contractions started and she cried out, Jenny immediate rose and took Katherine outside, away from Carolyn who remained fast asleep. There the men would not be able to see them. ‘Woman business,’ she said.

  Jenny indicated Katherine was to stand against the edge of the building where she could reach up and hold on to an extended beam. Jenny had prepared an open fire nearby and she now lit it before leaving Katherine alone with her increasingly strong contractions. She held the beam tightly to keep herself standing as she dealt with each surge of contraction pain. Between contractions, when her brain had a moment for sense, she thought, ‘Thank God this is the summer. It would be freezing out here otherwise.’

  By the time Jenny returned with hot water, a blanket and a bundle of cloths, a huge puddle lay at her feet as her waters had broken and run down her legs. When Carolyn was born Katherine had been supine but Jenny indicated she should remain standing and stood behind her, rubbing her back and stomach, actions that comforted her greatly. Katherine obeyed without question. She was no longer in control of her own body; the increasing pains tightened and tightened. She shouted involuntarily and then swore obscenities she didn’t even know she knew.

  In between the vice-like contractions, each increasing in intensity, she tried to remember to pant-breath-pant, as the nurse had told her when she gave birth to Carolyn. Then another clamping of the vice blotted out rational thought.

  Her shouting brought both Karl and Benjamin running to where she stood naked, arms holding on the beam, her face contorted and with Jenny behind her, rubbing her belly. They stopped and stared at the apparition reflected in the glow of the nearby fire, like some medieval witch in the torture chamber. When she saw them there Jenny ran at them, shouting angrily. Although they did not understand her language they, understood the intention and rapidly retreated into the darkness to become invisible. Jenny returned just as the baby’s head appeared from between Katherine’s now bloodied legs. Katherine gave another involuntary push, driven by the vice. Jenny quickly put her hands out and caught the slippery parcel. As soon as the baby was fully out she encouraged Katherine to lie on the blanket and, once she heard the first cry she cut the umbilical cord. After a short while Katherine started a second round of contractions.

  ‘Oh! God, not twins. I can’t bear it,’ She shouted at no-one in particular. The contractions were sharper and Jenny pressed gently on her stomach to expel the afterbirth. Katherine collapsed, totally exhausted, and gratefully closed her eyes. Jenny washed the newborn before placing him on Katherine’s chest. Katherine automatically held him, not caring what she looked like, who saw her lying naked on the ground or what was happening a
round her. What she didn’t see was how Jenny carefully collected up all the afterbirth and buried it far from the birthing site. When she opened her eyes, Jenny was crouched between her legs blowing smoke into her stretched vulva.

  Jenny covered Katherine and the baby with a clean blanket then called Benjamin who arrived with Karl close behind, like a malevolent shadow.

  ‘I’ll call me son Isaac,’ Benjamin said proudly as he took the newborn from Katherine and held him up, still wet from birth. ‘Ya done good, woman,’ was the only comment he directed at Katherine, lying still and exhausted.

  Two days later Benjamin paid Jenny for her services, gave her gifts of honey and kangaroo skins and instructed Karl to drive her back to where she came from.

  Katherine did not see her again in spite of requests to Benjamin. She never got to say thank you.

  Her logical mind wanted to hate the boy, conceived out of fear and loathing, but once she held Isaac to her breast all her venom towards him seemed to flow out with the milk. His eyes looked into hers and she saw him only as a vulnerable child, like Carolyn, dependent solely upon her for life and safety. That unfathomable bond between a mother and the baby was stronger than any potential hatred.

  Life at the Factory soon returned to the routine much as it was before Isaac was born. Katherine’s remained desperately lonely and she reluctantly came to accept her lot in life. At times she even managed to laugh and share moments of pleasure with Benjamin, telling him of the children’s activities.

  The old fears emerged only when Karl spent time at the Factory. Since Katherine had submitted to Benjamin and particularly after Isaac was born, there was a distinct change in the relationship between the two men. Benjamin deferred more and more to Karl. It was as though Karl had helped bring God’s plan to fruition and teach his woman to be proper wife and now the mother of his child Benjamin was immensely grateful. On each visit Karl’s authority grew. While he appeared to be following instruction from Benjamin, Katherine could see that, more and more, he was subtly setting the agenda.

  By the time Isaac was nearly two summers old, Benjamin started to call Katherine to his bed regularly once more. She was terrified of another pregnancy, but equally terrified for the children if Karl used his influence. She tried all sorts of stratagems to avoid intimacy with her captor. Most requests came when Karl visited the Factory, leading Katherine to believe that it was he that made the suggestions.

  Karl came to her room after the evening meals. He never knocked but the sweet smell of his cigarettes and ‘busy bee’ dust clearly signalled his arrival.

  ‘Ya man wants ya. Better git over there pronto.’

  ‘I can’t. I’m still putting the children to bed.’

  ‘Well, I’ll tell Benjamin ya can’t come ‘cause ya have ta spend time with ya kids. Mebbe he’ll tell me I could take ‘em with me next trip, give ya that special time with ‘im eh?’ Karl blew a cloud of the sweet smoke into the room.

  ‘All right, I’ll go.’

  ‘I’ll walk ya over. Wouldn’t want ya to git lost on the way, eh?’

  He made sure he escorted her there and, worse, back, his hands frequently moving from the whisky bottle, always in his hand after dinner, to Katherine’s body. She was unsure whether she should tell Benjamin. Once she raised the subject and he became angry and suggested that she was at fault. Perhaps it was even she who needed to be punished because she was leading him into temptation. ‘But Karl’s me mate. He knows ‘e can’t do an’ won’t do nothin.’ So don’t ya lie ta me, woman.’

  However, after that he always made her wear her kaftan back to her room. That didn’t stop Karl’s wandering hands. On one occasion when they reached her room he swung her round by her shoulders to face him, slipped his hands under her dress and squeezed her breasts. She threatened to tell Benjamin what he was doing. He sneered as he gave an extra hard and painful squeeze, hoarsely whispering ‘I ain’t fucked ya woman, not yet anyways. An’ if ya dob me in ta Benjamin’ll, ya know ‘e’ll go mad, that’s even if ‘e believes ya. He reckons women is liars all, an’ cause trouble for men. Jusht like Eve an’ Adam. Mebbe kill the both of us but sure as ‘ell, I’ll kill both youse kids, ‘fore I git outta here. I knows there’sh nobody knows ya here. Nobody’ll miss ya or ya kids. They ‘aven’t fa five, six years an’ they ain’t suddenly gunna start now, is they?’

  Katherine twisted away and out of reach. She was scared now. ‘You’re drunk. And you’re going too far, Karl. I reckon if I told Benjamin about you and what you’re trying to do, he’d believe me and you’d be out of here. He wouldn’t hurt his son and I’m sure he wouldn’t hurt me now either. It’s not like before his baby was born. Things are different now —’

  ‘Dream on, ya shtoopid bitch. Ya wanna tesht it? I’se killed more than ‘roos an’ dogs before, an’ could do it agin, if I ‘ad ta. Accidents ‘appen.’

  He trapped her against the wall, with one hand on each side and pushed his face against Katherine, trying to kiss her but she turned her face away as he burped.

  ‘Go away, Karl. You’re drunk. Leave me alone.’ Quickly bending her knees, she slipped under his arms and ran into her room. She slammed the door and hoped that Karl would leave. She wished there was a lock.

  Katherine breathed a deep sigh of relief as she heard Benjamin and then Karl’s footsteps shuffling away across the veranda. She looked at her two children, fast asleep, and wondered what the future held. She had to work out a way to change the situation for the better, for their sakes. She could not understand why Benjamin was falling increasingly under Karl’s influence and Karl was drinking more and more heavily. She dragged her bed against the door then checked the sleeping children before fearfully climbing into bed to the sound of male laughter in the distance. Karl’s dog gave the occasional bark at the moon.

  It would seem that, in spite of his apparent anger and blaming her for leading Karl on, something must have registered in the back of Benjamin’s mind because, after her revelations that she thought Karl was trying it on with her, Benjamin never left Karl in charge of the Factory when he went to Perth. Instead, he made sure that his trips away were just before, or just after, a visit by Karl. These were particularly lonely times for Katherine. She missed so many of the things that she once had taken for granted. Her memory played tricks on her. She longed for simple things, like the distinctive smell of fresh rain on hot bitumen after a scorching day. Here it was just red sand and the bush.

  In a strange way, she began to appreciate the beauty of the desert, stark though it was. After the rare falls of rain, masses of small flowers appeared and covered the sand with a carpet of colours. Katherine took it as a sign that even in the most arid life, beauty and hope can flourish.

  Once, while alone in the compound, she heard an aircraft in the distance and, thinking it might be a low flying geological reconnaissance plane, or government survey, she rushed out and made a huge S O S out of boxes. She could see the plane clearly. However, the plane droned across in the middle distance.

  I reckon this could be my last trip over east,’ Petri was telling Shelley as they waited for Alec.

  ‘Oh! That’s a real shame. Why?’

  ‘There’s not much more I can get from research. Now it’s the proof of the pudding time with some more work in the field.’

  ‘We’ll miss your visits. I guess we’ll have to make a trip over to Perth.’

  Petri noticed she used ‘we’ and not ‘I’. As the relationship between Alec and Shelley had prospered, he found it difficult to suppress feelings of jealousy towards Alec. Everything about Shelley made her seem like the woman he would like to be with for life. But Petri did not let it come between the friendship the two men shared.

  ‘So things are getting serious between you and Alec?’

  ‘Absolutely. There is the issue with Katherine though. He is finding it really hard to forget her. I wouldn’t want him to but he finds it difficult to even date me at times.’

  ‘It must be hard for h
im. For both of you.’

  ‘It is. I’m not sure where it will go though. I would like a family and I’m not getting any younger. Unfortunately, women have this biological clock. We want everything: career, marriage, family. It’s tricky to fit it all in.’

  ‘Alec’s a great friend. I feel he is almost like a brother. But sadly, I also like you a great deal! Strange to think we’ve known each other only about four years. It feels like for ever.’

  ‘Why ‘sadly,’ I thought you were a friend too?’

  ‘Of course, but you must realise I am in a difficult position. I would love to be the one dating you but there’s no way I would even think of it while Alec and you are an item.’

  ‘Oh! Petri. I hate these triangles. I love both Alec and you, but in different ways. I want both of you as friends forever but Alec is the one I’ve really fallen in love with.’

  ‘As Ned Kelly said, ‘such is life’!’ Petri laughed.

  The conversation, moving into quicksand territory, was fortunately ended by the arrival of Alec.

  ‘Sorry I’m late. Good to see you, Petri.’ He greeted Petri while kissing Shelley’s cheek. ‘So what’s the plan? We have to do something special before Petri goes.’ He referred to the fact that Petri had finished a week of research in Melbourne and was due to return in the morning.

  ‘Tra-ra!’ Shelley held up three tickets. ‘All organised: MSO tonight for an evening of music. And good seats too.’

  ‘Great! Dinner first at our favourite restaurant in Lygon Street. Let’s go.’

  * * *

  A few weeks later Petri was back in the desert of Western Australia putting into practice the results of his research. The area he had to cover was huge. With just one man it was going to take some time. He had been in the field for a couple of weeks and now was gratefully heading home. The Toyota travelled comfortably westwards and Petri relaxed. He knew this road well.