Drunk Dial

  “You slept with her?”

  “I ended up having an ongoing affair with her, yeah.”

  “Is this what you’ve been hiding from me—what you were ashamed to tell me?”

  A long, slow breath escaped him. “I wish.”

  I swallowed, dreading his continuing the story as much as I needed him to continue. “Go on…”

  “Bud ended up catching me at his house one night. He’d come home early from a trip. It was exactly what I’d wanted—for him to find me with her. The timing couldn’t have been more perfect as far as I was concerned.”

  “What did he do?”

  “That’s the sad part. Get this…he didn’t even really care. Apparently, they had an open marriage. She just never let me know that. I think she wanted to pretend that our thing was something more forbidden than it was. It made her feel like she was doing something sordid and maybe that got her off even more. Meanwhile, all I’d wanted was to enact revenge on this guy. So, I was feeling like my mission had failed.”

  “Did you tell him who you were?”

  “Yeah, I pretty much lost it. I ended up going off on him—admitted who my mother was. Jamie-Lynne was shocked because she had no clue I was using her to get to him.” He let out an angry laugh as he looked up at the ceiling. “Would you believe he didn’t even seem to care about that, either? Barely remembered my mother’s name. That fucking killed me more than anything.”

  “What happened after that night?”

  “I was just in such a bad place. I didn’t give a shit about anything. Jamie-Lynne wanted to keep seeing me, and I continued with it because I’d gotten accustomed to the lifestyle and felt like I had nowhere else to fucking go. But she wasn’t out for my best interests. I was using her, and she was using me. That was all there was to it.”

  My palms were getting sweaty. I still didn’t understand what this had to do with the woman in the restaurant tonight, but I was apparently about to find out.

  He continued, “One night she brought this friend of hers named April around. April started joking about how she wished she could ‘borrow’ me. I didn’t think anything of it until later that night when Jamie-Lynne told me that her friend had been serious, that April would pay me big money to keep her company. She was basically trying to talk me into it.”

  “She wanted to pawn you off to her friend? What kind of a person does that?”

  “I was so floored and angry that I made a rash decision to take April up on her offer, just to spite my so-called girlfriend. By that time, I was pretty sure Jamie-Lynne had moved on to some even younger, fresher meat. I had no real feelings for her anyway—never did. So, I started—quote, unquote—seeing April.”

  My voice was trembling. “She was paying you for sex?”

  He looked me straight in the eyes, even though it looked like it pained him to answer. “Yes.”

  That hurt to hear so much. “Wow,” I muttered.

  “That was how it started.”

  My head was spinning. “Started?”

  “I found out that there was a close-knit network of Hollywood wives who traded boy toys like me. They’d use you until they were done with you then introduce you to a friend in what was supposed to seem like a seamless transition. Young guys get caught up in the lavish lifestyle. At the time, you think you’re living the good life and don’t see what’s horribly wrong with it. You’re making loads of cash—more money than you could even fathom—and all you have to do is look good and give them their bad boy fantasy.”

  The harsh words escaped me before I could think better of it. “You were a whore…”

  He shut his eyes as if I’d just stabbed them with my words then said, “At the time, I never considered myself that. I’d prettied it up in my mind to make myself feel better, because I didn’t really want to stop. The money was too good, and quite honestly back then, I didn’t feel like I had anything to live for.”

  Feeling my stomach churning, I stood up and paced. “Whoa. I’m gonna be sick.”

  He walked across the room to be closer to me. “You have to understand my mental state at the time. I was very angry at the world, so fucking miserable.”

  I suddenly turned around to face him. “How long did this go on?”

  “About a year and a half.”

  Trying hard to fend off the tears that were forming in my eyes, I took a deep breath in and just stared up at the ceiling, attempting in vain to absorb this upsetting news.

  “What made you stop?” I finally whispered.

  He looked at me with pleading eyes. “I had a dream one night. And in it, I was the father to a little boy who was asking me point blank if I sold my body for money. It was freaky and messed up that this little kid would even be talking about that shit, but clearly it was coming from my own guilty subconscious mind. In the dream, I remember really struggling with how to answer him. I was so ashamed. Who knows if the boy represented my inner self or my fear of having a child someday and having him find out. Anyway, I woke up in a cold sweat, ran to the bathroom, and just looked myself in the mirror for the longest time in disgust. Absolute disgust. In that moment, I knew it had to stop. That was the end of it. I changed my number that morning. Never looked back. Needless to say, it was an awakening that I’ll always be grateful for. I’m very happy I saw the light.”

  “How long ago was that day?”

  “That was almost three years ago now.”

  It eased my mind a little to know that so much time had passed.

  I hesitated to ask, “Is that how you got the money to buy the truck and everything else?”

  “Partly. I banked everything I ever made.”

  “That explains the Range Rover.”

  “Yeah.” He looked so ashamed to admit it. “I’m telling you right now, Rana, that I don’t think I could handle this situation if the roles were reversed. If you can accept me after this, you’re a hell of a lot stronger person than I am. I understand completely if you can’t see yourself being with me after what I just admitted to you. It disgusts me to think about what I did. I think about myself back then, and it’s like looking back at a different person. Those early days in L.A…in many ways…it was like getting abducted by aliens. That person isn’t who I am now. I made all of my life mistakes within a two-year span.”

  “How many women?”

  “There were six total.”

  Six?

  I swallowed. “That woman at the restaurant tonight—Carys—she was one of them?”

  “Yes. She was the last one.”

  It made me so sick to hear him confirm he’d had sex with her, even though I’d suspected that was the case before he even told me any of this.

  “What if we hadn’t run into her? When were you going to tell me?”

  “That’s a big reason why I’d wished you were staying longer. I needed more time before I dropped this bomb on you.”

  “You were going to let me go home without having this conversation?”

  “My hope was to use every moment of this time for you to get to know me—the man I am now. I would’ve probably told you after you left or during our next visit. The main thing is, I just didn’t know how to tell you. How do you tell someone who believes in you, that maybe you’re not worthy? I’m ashamed, but it’s a chapter of my life I will never be able to erase no matter how hard I wish I could.”

  “So, you didn’t want to have sex with me until I knew…”

  “Yes. I didn’t know whether you’d still want to be intimate with me after you found out. And as much as it would kill me, I understand if you don’t.”

  I was afraid to ask, “Do you have a disease?”

  He was quick to answer, “No. God, no. I was always safe. I used condoms religiously, and I’ve been tested multiple times. The one consolation is that I’ve always had my head screwed on straight in that respect.”

  “I don’t even know how to process this. I mean, I know it wasn’t like you did it with a hundred women. Most single guys sleep a
round all of the time, but I guess it’s the principle of this that’s so troubling.”

  “I always intended to tell you, Rana. I just hoped for a little more time first. That’s all. I don’t blame you for being confused and upset.”

  I wanted to comfort him, wanted to tell him it was going to be okay, but I couldn’t seem to get past my shock.

  “I’m not going to lie to you, Landon. This is really upsetting.”

  Devastating.

  “I know. I’m sorry. In some ways I’m glad it came out tonight because I’m falling hard for you, and if there’s a chance that you don’t want to be with me, then the sooner I know that, the better.”

  HOMECOMING

  My eyes blinked open. Did last night really happen?

  The clock showed 10AM, which meant that Landon and I only had a couple of hours left before he had to take me to LAX.

  The fact that I was leaving today seemed surreal, and the entire conversation from last night was like a bad dream.

  My throat was parched as I reluctantly pulled myself into an upright position. Landon was smoking on the balcony just outside the bedroom.

  Wearing one of his long T-shirts, I slid the door open. “Good morning.”

  He blew out the last of his smoke and put out the cigarette. “Hey…” His eyes looked bloodshot.

  I cleared my throat. “You didn’t get much sleep.”

  His voice was hoarse. “I didn’t sleep at all.”

  “I was up for a while, but then I slept a little.”

  “I know. I peeked in on you right when you had fallen asleep.” He smiled reluctantly. “I might’ve watched you for a little while.”

  Looking out toward the water, I said, “I still haven’t processed what you told me last night, but I want you to know that I think it took an incredible amount of courage to admit that to me. You could’ve made up a story, told me that woman in the restaurant was the mother of one of your ex-girlfriends, something bogus like that. But you didn’t. You were honest with me, and I’m very grateful for that.”

  “Admitting that to you was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I wish I knew what you were really thinking.”

  “Even I don’t know what I’m really thinking. It hasn’t sunken in. So, it’s hard to know how I feel about it. It’s upsetting, yeah. But I guess I’m trying to convince myself that what happened in the past is not happening now. I have to learn to move past it. At least, I want to be able to do that.”

  He examined my eyes. “But you’re not sure if you can.”

  “I didn’t say that, Landon.”

  “Just promise me one thing.”

  “What?”

  “Promise me you won’t be with me if you decide you’re ashamed of me. I can’t live with that. I don’t want to pretend with you. I love how real you are, Rana. And if you can’t accept my past, I need you to be up front with me about it.”

  I nodded. “I’m just still in shock.”

  “I understand. It would be unfair of me to expect anything else right now.”

  I didn’t know what else to say, but I knew nothing was going to get figured out today. My plane would be taking off soon, and that overwhelmed me with sadness. Every bone in my body felt it.

  He could see that I was chilly, because I was rubbing my arms. Landon opened the zipper to his hoodie and enveloped me in it, wrapping the material around my back and pulling me into his chest. I could feel his heart beating against mine. Even under the scariest of circumstances, he still managed to make me feel safe in his arms.

  I felt like a hypocrite for having any doubts about him. He’d been nothing but honest and up front about his past, which was more than I could say for myself. As ugly as it was, he’d unleashed his demons. Mine were still locked up inside of me. My choosing not to reciprocate his honesty right now was nothing short of pure cowardice. But shifting the focus to me would’ve been too much to handle while we were still dealing with this.

  I couldn’t guarantee how I was going to feel once I returned to Michigan. I just knew what I wanted right now, and that was for him to keep holding me. I wanted to ingrain this moment into memory.

  Landon ended up being the first to break our embrace.

  He was about to light up another cigarette when I said, “I really wish you’d stop.”

  He put the lighter down. The cigarette moved between his lips as he asked, “You really want me to stop smoking?”

  “Yes. It’s so bad for you. I really think you should stop.”

  He paused and took the cigarette from his mouth. He suddenly crushed it between his fingers before letting it fall to the ground. Then, he took the pack out of his pocket and tossed it over the balcony. “Done.”

  “That’s it?”

  “Yes. That’s it.”

  “Can you do that…just stop cold turkey?”

  “I’ve slept on the couch and kept my dick in my pants the entire time you’ve been here. And I just admitted my most painful secret to the person who matters most to me in this world. Pretty sure I can handle just about anything now.” He cracked a slight smile. “You asked me to do something for you. And it’s something I’ve wanted to do for myself anyway. But now that I know it really bothers you, that’s an even bigger incentive. There’s probably nothing I wouldn’t do for you at this point.”

  I knew he meant that.

  “Wow. Okay. Thanks.”

  “Thank you.”

  The mood continued to remain somber. Landon led me to the kitchen where he prepared us a breakfast of bagels and coffee that we took down to the beach. In that sense, my last morning here was a lot like my first, aside from the dark cloud hanging over us this time.

  The ride to LAX was quiet. Perhaps, we were mourning a certain innocence to our relationship that we would never get back.

  Once at our destination, the sounds of the airport were all jumbled. Anxiety was starting to take its hold on me. Not only did I hate flying, but leaving Landon right now was definitely up there as one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.

  He walked me as far as he could before he was no longer allowed access.

  I gently scratched at the scruff on his chin. “This trip was amazing.”

  He took both of my hands in his and firmly gripped them. “Amazing isn’t strong enough of a word to describe the past week for me. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same again. No matter what happens, I will always be forever grateful that you hopped on that plane to see me. In the meantime, I’ll pray that I get to see you again soon.”

  “Have I mentioned flying makes me nervous? This is only my second time ever.”

  “Then that makes it even more special that you came.” He let go of my hands and nudged on my bag. “You got your Rubik’s Cube?”

  Despite feeling like my world was ending, I forced a smile. “Yes.”

  A muffled boarding call reminded me that time was running out. “I have to go.”

  “Okay.” Placing his hands on my cheeks, he planted a hard kiss on me as if he would never have the chance to do it again. “Take care of yourself, baby,” he said over my lips.

  “You, too.”

  He slid his hands from my cheeks down my arms and hugged me again before slowly letting go.

  I was about to leave when he stopped me. “Wait.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Tell me something funny, Rana. I really fucking need it right now.”

  This felt like a lot of pressure given my miserable state. Then I remembered something that happened to me that morning.

  “I’ve been so preoccupied since last night, I brushed my teeth with your shaving cream this morning. I’ve never seen it in a tube like that before. So, if I tasted like I went down on the Old Spice guy, that’s why.”

  He bent his head back in laughter then kissed me on the forehead. “Never fails. Thank you.”

  “I guess I should be happy it wasn’t Preparation H.”

  Landon’s smile faded before he kissed me one last
time.

  As I walked away, listening to the loud echo of my heels, I turned around to find that he hadn’t moved. He was still standing in the same spot with his hands in his pockets. Don’t ask me how, but I just knew he wasn’t going to leave until I was completely out of sight. That was the type of person he was. I wondered what he was thinking in that moment, whether he doubted if he’d ever see me again.

  With each step I took away from Landon, I felt emptier and out of sorts—truly like I was leaving a piece of myself behind.

  Landon had stuck a wad of cash without my knowing into my coat pocket—five hundred-dollar bills. I’d only realized it as I was exiting the plane after we landed in Detroit.

  Once outside, the brutal cold air was certainly a rude awakening. The Uber I’d called was taking a long time to arrive. As I waited, it really hit me how depressing it was here compared to California.

  But it wasn’t even the weather. It felt like I had a hole in my heart. I missed him already. So much. Even more than when I’d left him standing there at the airport. The reality of the distance now between us made the ache so much worse.

  Every time my mind would wander to his past, to disturbing images of him screwing different women for money, I would quickly shift my attention away from that. At the moment, those thoughts were background noise. I couldn’t yet deal with them. The more pressing issue was that being home no longer felt that way at all.

  Desperately needing to hear his voice, I picked up my phone and dialed his number.

  Landon picked up after three rings. “Rana?”

  “Yes, it’s me.”

  He sounded sleepy. “You made it home okay?”

  “I’m here. Whether I’m okay is debatable.”

  “I’ve been numb all day. I’m in my room right now staring at your outfit hanging in my closet while smelling you on my sheets, wondering if it was all a dream and if not, wondering how the hell I ever let you get on that plane.”

  “I just needed to hear your voice. You sound like you were napping. Did I wake you?”

  “I’d dozed off because I got no sleep last night. Fuck, I’m so glad you called.”