Drunk Dial

  “Boyfriends make life complicated.”

  “Well, I want one.”

  “You’re way too young, so don’t even think about it.”

  “I hope I can be pretty like you when I get old enough to have a boyfriend.”

  Hearing her say that sliced at my heart. “You are pretty. Don’t ever let anyone lead you to believe otherwise.”

  “I don’t look like the other girls at school.”

  She really reminded me so much of myself when I was a kid, and it was killing me. I never had anyone tell me that there was nothing wrong with my looks. I spent so much of my adolescence hating myself. If I had one job, it was to make sure that Lilith felt good about herself.

  “It’s okay to look different, Lilith. Beauty is only a matter of opinion. If you believe you are beautiful, then that’s all that matters. These are really tough years you’re approaching now. Your decisions now and as a teenager can change your entire life. Just make sure you talk to me or someone if you’re ever feeling like life is too much to handle. And never let anyone convince you that you’re not worthy, only to take advantage of you.”

  She nodded then abruptly changed the subject in typical Lilith fashion. “Will you braid my hair?”

  “Of course.”

  When I returned to my apartment that afternoon, I jumped at the sight of my father sitting down and drinking coffee at my kitchen table. Every time he would sneak into my place, I would forget for a moment that he had a key. He’d given me the down payment for this apartment with the condition that he would get his own key to check in on me whenever he wanted.

  “You scared me.”

  In his thick, foreign accent, he said, “Why you no-have heat, Ranoona?”

  My father’s nickname for me was Ranoona. Not sure exactly where that came from.

  “I do have heat. I just keep it really low.” Pouring myself a mug of the coffee he’d made, I asked, “How long have you been here?”

  “One hour.”

  I looked to my right and noticed a rather large, blue and white Holy Mary statue on the counter. It looked like something you’d see in someone’s garden or in front of an old woman’s house. She had rosary beads wrapped around her neck.

  “Where did that come from?”

  “Garage sale. Someone throw her out. You believe?” He lowered his voice as he looked toward Lenny’s room. “You need Blessed Mother to protect you from this crazy guy. I no-like him. He have-a crazy eyes.”

  “Shh.”

  My father always said you could determine the level of crazy in people by their eyes. I did believe there was some truth to that. People with crazy eyes had a way of looking through you and not at you. There was a disconnect of some sort.

  “I can’t kick him out,” I said.

  “I kick him out,” my father insisted.

  “No, Papa. Please, don’t make trouble.”

  He sliced me a piece of apple and handed it to me. “You no-eat healthy.”

  “Coffee and popcorn is plenty healthy,” I said, taking a bite of the Granny Smith.

  He cut me another piece and placed it on the table in front of me.

  My father may not have always known how to handle me, but I was happy that we were at a point where we could sit down and just enjoy each other’s company. Although he was always opinionated, he’d given up on believing that he could change me.

  “You dance for the Greeks tonight?”

  I laughed a little. “Yes.”

  He took a sip of his coffee. “I no-like this job.”

  “Really? You’ve only mentioned that a thousand times. It’s only temporary. I’ve told you that.”

  “You quit, I give you money.”

  “No. I need to support myself. You can barely pay your own rent.”

  “I move in with you.”

  “In that case, I will never stop dancing.”

  They told me they would up my hourly rate if I tried it.

  Even though I was terrified, I agreed. Now, I had to wonder if I seriously needed my head examined.

  If only Papa could see me now. No, I would not be telling him about this one.

  It was heavy and slimy. With a gigantic snake wrapped around my neck, I clicked my finger cymbals and swayed my hips, praying that the time went by quickly. My boss assured me it wasn’t venomous. I sure as hell hoped he was right.

  For some reason, all I could think about was what Landon’s reaction to this would have been. Would he think I was nuts, or would he think it was really cool? As I shook my ass to the drumbeat, I thought of Landon standing on the beach with the sunset as the backdrop. Once again, I was dancing for him—my slithering friend and I were.

  When my shift was finally over, and the snake was returned to its cage, I felt like I needed a shower even more than usual.

  I caught the late bus just in time. Once seated, the very first thing I did was check the Landon’s Lunch Box app, even though I knew the truck was out of service for the night. It would still show the last location of the day. Tonight it was the Venice Beach Boardwalk.

  Closing my eyes, I imagined I was there, smelling the savory food and listening to the sounds of the ocean as the sun beat down on me.

  Each day, you could also check the menu. Landon really seemed to try to change it up. He’d create funky sandwiches with unlikely ingredients and name them things like Cuban Reuben. A new addition today caught my eye and caused me to gasp.

  Rana’s Feta Sandwich.

  ASS SELFIE

  A few nights later, Landon caught me just as I had gotten home from work.

  “I don’t have long to talk,” he said before I could hear his lighter flick. “Tell me something funny, Rana.”

  “I got a raise at work.”

  He blew into the phone. “That’s funny?”

  “It is when the condition is that you dance with a gigantic snake around your neck.”

  “Are you fucking serious?”

  “Dead serious.”

  “Damn, girl. I knew you were a trouper, but this just takes it to an entirely different level.”

  “Well, you might not be so impressed when it wraps itself around my neck and suffocates me someday.”

  His deep laughter was like a massage to my eardrums. “Between the snake and that psychopath, Lenny, you’re doomed.”

  “God, that’s so true.” I lay down and kicked up my feet. “How was Santa Monica today?”

  “Oh, what’s this now? Were you stalking my app, Saloomi? That’s the only way you’d know where I was.”

  “Maybe. I like to live vicariously through you, California boy. I like to close my eyes and pretend I’m there, listening to the ocean and basking in the sun.”

  “It’s not really all it’s cracked up to be out here. Sometimes, I think you have this false impression that the sunshine somehow equals happiness. The sun always goes down, Rana. It can’t mask everything.”

  I couldn’t help but want to know what he was really referring to there, although asking him to open up to me any more than he already had would warrant my having to do the same.

  He continued, “Don’t get me wrong. It beats the hell out of Michigan.”

  “I bet.”

  “Well, I wish I could talk to you longer, but I’m supposed to be meeting someone.”

  My heart sank. I wasn’t ready to let him go. I hated that I’d looked forward to talking to him all day more than anything.

  “Oh…okay.” Curiosity got the best of me. “A female someone?”

  “Yeah.”

  My breath caught. “What’s her name?”

  “Sage.”

  Valeria, Melanie…Sage. Another one to add to the list.

  “Sage. Interesting. Are you going to take her home to cleanse your apartment of evil spirits? Isn’t that what they use sage for?”

  “Not sure, but I’m pretty sure if you ever came over, all the spirits would come out to dance instead.”

  “You’re probably right. I’d have the o
pposite effect of sage.”

  “You and your snake.” He snickered. “Holy crap, that’s funny. I’m not going to be able to stop thinking about that shit tonight.”

  “Don’t remind me. I still have to wash the slime off my neck.” I sighed. “Well…anyway, have fun.”

  “I’ll try.”

  I was literally pouting. “Tell Sage I said ‘hello.’”

  After we hung up, I suddenly felt very alone. A surge of enormous jealousy shot through me.

  In the shower, my thoughts were racing. I wanted to be the one going out with Landon tonight. I wished so badly that I could touch him, smell him, kiss him. I yearned to actually feel the vibration of his laughter against my skin.

  You can’t have it all, Rana. You can’t hide yourself from him and want him for yourself.

  It’s inevitable. You’re going to lose him.

  That thought made me incredibly sad.

  I was starting to realize that I had really been in denial. I was head over heels for this man, the way he made me laugh, the way he appreciated my oddities, the way he really seemed to know my soul, even if I’d done everything to hide what’s on the outside. Thoughts of him had invaded my every waking moment from the very first night I’d called him—and honestly, long before that.

  As scared as I was to remove the barrier between us, I ached for more.

  After lying down in silence for a while, I ventured over to my closet and opened one of the old notes.

  Rana Banana,

  Why do you always look away when you catch me staring at you? Sometimes, I’m trying to send you telepathic messages and you totally ruin it.

  Landon

  P.S. You haven’t started barking like a dog, so I’m guessing you didn’t get my last command.

  That one really made me laugh as I refolded it and put it back in the bag.

  For the first time since the night he’d sent it, I allowed myself to look at the selfie of Landon stored in my phone. As rough as his exterior was, his smile was so genuine, comforting. It was directed at me, and I didn’t feel deserving of it. Even his eyes were smiling—his very non-crazy eyes. Tonight that smile was reserved for someone else, because I’d chosen not to accept what he’d given me.

  I ran my finger along the image. He had put himself out there, and I hadn’t been willing to give him an iota back, all because I was afraid of what I would have to admit to him. I assumed he would judge me, but in reality, no one could ever judge me the way I judged myself.

  I couldn’t give him everything. But I wanted to give him something. It would have to be baby steps.

  My heart was pounding through my chest, and I was shaking, because I knew what I was about to do.

  Positioning my body on a chair, I straddled it with my back facing the oval mirror. My black hair was cascading down my shirtless back in waves. It fell all the way to my ass.

  I took several photos of my back until I was completely satisfied with one of them. I was careful to make sure that you couldn’t see my face at all.

  What I settled on was an incredibly sexy, provocative shot. The boy shorts I was wearing left nothing to the imagination. You could see the shape of my ass very clearly along with the arch of my back and my legs. I’d also put on the highest stilettos I owned. If I was really going to take this step, I was going to do it right.

  Shutting my eyes tightly, I braced myself before hitting send.

  After I pressed the button, a rush of blood travelled to my head. A plethora of paranoid thoughts were floating around in my mind.

  He was on a date. What if he showed it to her, and they both laughed at me?

  What if he thought I looked like a slut?

  What if he hated it?

  A couple of torturous minutes passed before my phone chimed, interrupting the chain of internal questions.

  I took a deep breath and checked it.

  Landon: Why did you just send me a picture of Kim Kardashian? I mean it’s sexy as all hell, but random.

  Oh, my God. What?

  Did he think it was a joke?

  Does he not realize it’s me?

  My fingers hovered over the keypad before I finally typed.

  Rana: That’s not Kim Kardashian. It’s me.

  There was no response for several minutes. I felt like digging a hole in the ground and burying myself. Why did I send him that? Why did I let my jealous ego override sensibility?

  Sitting on my bed with my head in my hands and my knees to my chest, I cursed at myself.

  When my phone started to ring, I pondered whether I should pick up. I opted to let it go to voicemail.

  When it started ringing a second time, I took a deep breath and answered, “Hi.”

  “Rana, you have got to be shitting me.”

  I played dumb. “What?”

  “You’re supposed to look like a boy with a unibrow, not like my fucking wet dream. I’d been thinking about you all damn day as it was. Now, I’ll never get you out of my mind. This is sort of fucking me up right now.”

  “Kim Kardashian is your wet dream?”

  “No. Never mind her. Honestly, I looked at it so fast, and I was in a dark movie theater. Now that I’ve had a chance to really examine it, I can tell it’s not her. The long, black hair threw me off for a bit.” He paused. “But it does look like a lingerie model. God…this is really you?”

  “Yes. You think I’m punking you? It’s me.”

  “Wow.” He let out a long breath. “Why would you ever be ashamed to show me what you look like, then?”

  There was no way I was tackling that question.

  Ignoring it, I asked, “Where are you right now?”

  “I told Sage I had an emergency and excused myself. Once I realized you weren’t kidding around, it hit me how monumental this was, that you’d sent a picture of yourself, something you vowed you’d never do. I wasn’t going to waste the moment. I needed to be alone. I’m in my car.”

  “You left her?”

  “She’s still in the theater, yeah.”

  Even though I sounded surprised, that gave me great pleasure. “Shouldn’t you get back to her?”

  “You’re asking that like you didn’t know I was on a date when you sent the photo. You knew I would see what you looked like and lose my mind. I’m sitting in my car alone with a fucking stiffy because you just sent me a picture of your beautiful ass barely covered. You know full well what you’re doing, Rana Saloomi. I’m more convinced of that now than ever. You’re totally messing with me—teasing me. Admit it.”

  I laughed a little. “Are you mad?”

  “I fucking love it.”

  My cheeks felt hot. “Do you really think about me all day?”

  “I don’t really know how to explain it, but yes, I think about you more than I probably should. I get up in the morning and think about what time it is where you are. I think about what you’re doing, whether you’re having a good day, and I wonder when I’ll get to talk to you next. But this…this is a fucking game changer. I can’t unsee this. You’re…” He hesitated. “Beautiful.”

  I closed my eyes to relish his compliment then opened them back to reality.

  “You haven’t even seen my face.”

  “Yes, but I remember it like yesterday.”

  It’s not the same anymore.

  “I got a little jealous when you said you were going on a date. I wanted your attention back.”

  “Well, mission accomplished. You definitely got it back. All I really want to do is stare at your picture in peace now.” He blew out some smoke. “Show me more. Give me something else. Anything.”

  This was a mistake.

  Adrenaline pulsed through me, because I was considering it. “I can’t.”

  “Please…just let me see you from another angle. So I know I’m not dreaming. Send me a picture of yourself giving me the peace sign. You can keep your face covered. I want to see what you look like in real time.”

  I think a small part of him still need
ed confirmation that the girl in the picture was me, particularly because of how protective I was of my face. I didn’t want him to doubt me. Deciding to give into his request, I said, “Okay, hang up, and I’ll text you. Then you can call me back.”

  Without thinking too much, I covered my face with my hair and snapped a selfie while holding my index and middle fingers up, giving him exactly what he requested.

  After I sent it, he texted me back about a full minute later.

  Landon: Thank you, beautiful. You have no idea how much that means to me.

  Landon followed it up with a photo of himself sitting in his car giving me the peace sign back. He had smoke billowing out of his mouth. While I hated the idea of him filling his body with carcinogens, I had to say, he looked hot. His eyes were squinted. And I wanted to bite that plump bottom lip. He was so damn sexy.

  Landon: That’s me in real time.

  Rana: I figured as much. You’re gonna smell like cigarettes when you go back to your date, and she’s going to think you left her just to have a smoke.

  Landon: I’ll tell her the truth, then.

  Rana: What would that be exactly?

  Landon: That I’m in lust with a faceless, raven-haired girl who just sent me an ass selfie. And I needed to take a break from the movie to stare at said girl’s picture. And then I’ll tell her that I plan to go home and jerk off to the same image of my gorgeous friend. How’s that for honesty?

  Rana: I don’t think that will go off too well.

  Landon: LOL. Probably not. By the way, if there was an award for the best ass on the planet, I think you’d win.

  Rana: Thank you.

  Landon: The Ass-cars, instead of the Oscars. You’d win best leading ass-tress.

  Rana: “I’d like to thank the Ass-cademy…”

  Landon: Fuck, yeah! LOL.

  Rana: Go back to your date.

  The phone began to vibrate. He was calling me back.