Unnatural Death

  “When Clara Whittaker died, she left all her money to AGATHA, passing over her own family, with whom she was not on very good terms—owing to the narrow-minded attitude they had taken up about her horse-dealing!! Her nephew, Charles Whittaker, who was a clergyman, and the father of our Miss Whittaker, resented very much not getting the money, though, as he had kept up the feud in a very un-Christian manner, he had really no right to complain, especially as Clara had built up her fortune entirely by her own exertions. But, of course, he inherited the bad, old-fashioned idea that women ought not to be their own mistresses, or make money for themselves, or do what they liked with their own!

  “He and his family were the only surviving Whittaker relations, and when he and his wife were killed in a motor-car accident, Miss Dawson asked Mary to leave her work as a nurse and make her home with her. So that, you see, Clara Whittaker’s money was destined to come back to James Whittaker’s daughter in the end!! Miss Dawson made it quite CLEAR that this was her intention, provided Mary would come and cheer the declining days of a lonely old lady!

  “Mary accepted, and as her aunt—or, to speak more exactly, her great-aunt—had given up the big old Warwickshire house after Clara’s death, they lived in London for a short time and then moved to Leahampton. As you know, poor old Miss Dawson was then already suffering from the terrible disease of which she died, so that Mary did not have to wait very long for Clara Whittaker’s money!!

  “I hope this information will be of some use to you. Miss Murgatroyd did not, of course, know anything about the rest of the family, but she always understood that there were no other surviving relatives, either on the Whittaker or the Dawson side.

  “When Miss Whittaker returns, I hope to see more of her. I enclose my account for expenses up to date. I do trust you will not consider it extravagant. How are your money-lenders progressing? I was sorry not to see more or those poor women whose cases I investigated—their stories were so PATHETIC!

  I AM,

  VERY SINCERELY YOURS,

  ALEXANDRA K. CLIMPSON.”

  “P.S.—I forgot to say that Miss Whittaker has a little motor-car. I do not, of course, know anything about these matters, but Mrs. Budge’s maid tells me that Miss Whittaker’s maid says it is an Austen 7 (is this right?). It is grey, and the number is XX9917.”

  Mr. Parker was announced, just as Lord Peter finished reading this document, and sank rather wearily in a corner of the chesterfield.

  “What luck?” inquired his lordship, tossing the letter over to him. “Do you know, I’m beginning to think you were right about the Bertha Gotobed business, and I’m rather relieved. I don’t believe one word of Mrs. Forrest’s story, for reasons of my own, and I’m how hoping that the wiping out of Bertha was a pure coincidence and nothing to do with my advertisement.”

  “Are you?” said Parker, bitterly, helping himself to whisky and soda. “Well, I hope you’ll be cheered to learn that the analysis of the body has been made, and that there is not the slightest sign of foul play. There is no trace of violence or of poisoning. There was a heart weakness of fairly long standing, and the verdict is syncope after a heavy meal.”

  “That doesn’t worry me,” said Wimsey. “We suggested shock, you know. Amiable gentleman met at flat of friendly lady suddenly turns funny after dinner and makes undesirable overtures. Virtuous young woman is horribly shocked. Weak heart gives way. Collapse. Exit. Agitation of amiable gentleman and friendly lady, left with corpse on their hands. Happy thought: motor-car; Epping Forest; exeunt omnes, singing and washing their hands. Where’s the difficulty?”

  “Proving it is the difficulty, that’s all. By the way, there were no finger-marks on the bottle—only smears.”

  “Gloves, I suppose. Which looks like camouflage, anyhow. An ordinary picnicking couple wouldn’t put on gloves to handle a bottle of Bass.”

  “I know. But we can’t arrest all the people who wear gloves.”

  “I weep for you, the Walrus said, I deeply sympathise: I see the difficulty, but it’s early days yet. How about those injections?”

  “Perfectly O.K. We’ve interrogated the chemist and interviewed the doctor. Mrs. Forrest suffers from violent neuralgic pains, and the injections were duly prescribed. Nothing wrong there, and no history of doping or anything. The prescription is a very mild one, and couldn’t possibly be fatal to anybody. Besides, haven’t I told you that there was no trace of morphia or any other kind of poison in the body?”

  “Oh, well!” said Wimsey. He sat for a few minutes looking thoughtfully at the fire.

  “I see the case has more or less died out of the papers,” he resumed, suddenly.

  “Yes. The analysis has been sent to them, and there will be a paragraph tomorrow and a verdict of natural death, and that will be the end of it.”

  “Good. The less fuss there is about it the better. Has anything been heard of the sister in Canada?”

  “Oh, I forgot. Yes. We had a cable three days ago. She’s coming over.”

  “Is she? By Jove! What boat?”

  “The Star of Quebec—due in next Friday.”

  “H’m! We’ll have to get hold of her. Are you meeting the boat?”

  “Good heavens, no! Why should I?”

  “I think someone ought to. I’m reassured—but not altogether happy. I think I’ll go myself, if you don’t mind. I want to get that Dawson story—and this time I want to make sure the young woman doesn’t have a heart attack before I interview her.”

  “I really think you’re exaggerating, Peter.”

  “Better safe than sorry,” said his lordship. “Have another peg, won’t you? Meanwhile, what do you think of Miss Climpson’s latest?”

  “I don’t see much in it.”

  “No?”

  “It’s a bit confusing, but it all seems quite straightforward.”

  “Yes. The only thing we know now is that Mary Whittaker’s father was annoyed about Miss Dawson’s getting his aunt’s money and thought it ought to have come to him.”

  “Well, you don’t suspect him of having murdered Miss Dawson, do you? He died before her, and the daughter’s got the money, anyhow.”

  “Yes, I know. But suppose Miss Dawson had changed her mind? She might have quarrelled with Mary Whittaker and wanted to leave her money elsewhere.”

  “Oh, I see—and been put out of the way before she could make a will?”

  “Isn’t it possible?”

  “Yes, certainly. Except that all the evidence we have goes to show that will-making was about the last job anybody could persuade her to do.”

  “True—while she was on good terms with Mary. But how about that morning Nurse Philliter mentioned, when she said people were trying to kill her before her time? Mary may really have been impatient with her for being such an unconscionable time a-dying. If Miss Dawson became aware of that, she would certainly have resented it and may very well have expressed an intention of making her will in someone else’s favour—as a kind of insurance against premature decease!”

  “Then why didn’t she send for her solicitor?”

  “She may have tried to. But after all, she was bed-ridden and helpless. Mary may have prevented the message from being sent.”

  “That sounds quite plausible.”

  “Doesn’t it? That’s why I want Evelyn Cropper’s evidence. I’m perfectly certain those girls were packed off because they had heard more than they should. Or why such enthusiasm over sending them to London?”

  “Yes. I thought that part of Mrs. Gulliver’s story was a bit odd. I say, how about the other nurse?”

  “Nurse Forbes? That’s a good idea. I was forgetting her. Think you can trace her?”

  “Of course, if you really think it important.”

  “I do. I think it’s damned important. Look here, Charles, you don’t seem very enthusiastic about this case.”

  “Well, you know, I’m not so certain it is a case at all. What makes you so fearfully keen about it? You seem dead set on maki
ng it a murder, with practically nothing to go upon. Why?”

  Lord Peter got up and paced the room. The light from the solitary reading-lamp threw his lean shadow, diffused and monstrously elongated, up to the ceiling. He walked over to a book-shelf, and the shadow shrank, blackened, settled down. He stretched his hand, and the hand’s shadow flew with it, hovering over the gilded titles of the books and blotting them out one by one.

  “Why?” repeated Wimsey. “Because I believe this is the case I have always been looking for. The case of cases. The murder without discernible means, or motive or clue. The norm. All these”—he swept his extended hand across the book-shelf, and the shadow outlined a vaster and more menacing gesture—“all these books on this side of the room are books about crimes. But they only deal with the abnormal crimes.”

  “What do you mean by abnormal crimes?”

  “The failures. The crimes that have been found out. What proportion do you suppose they bear to the successful crimes—the ones we hear nothing about?”

  “In this country,” said Parker, rather stiffly, “we manage to trace and convict the majority of criminals—”

  “My good man, I know that where a crime is known to have been committed, you people manage to catch the perpetrator in at least sixty per cent of the cases. But the moment a crime is even suspected, it falls, ipso facto, into the category of failures. After that, the thing is merely a question of greater or less efficiency on the part of the police. But how about the crimes which are never even suspected?”

  Parker shrugged his shoulders.

  “How can anybody answer that?”

  “Well—one may guess. Read any newspaper today. Read the News of the World. Or, now that the Press has been muzzled, read the divorce court lists. Wouldn’t they give you the idea that marriage is a failure? Isn’t the sillier sort of journalism packed with articles to the same effect? And yet, looking round among the marriages you know of personally, aren’t the majority of them a success, in a humdrum, undemonstrative sort of way? Only you don’t hear of them. People don’t bother to come into court and explain that they dodder along very comfortably on the whole, thank you. Similarly, if you read all the books on this shelf, you’d come to the conclusion that murder was a failure. But bless you, it’s always the failures that make the noise. Successful murderers don’t write to the papers about it. They don’t even join in imbecile symposia to tell an inquisitive world ‘What Murder means to me,’ or ‘How I became a Successful Poisoner.’ Happy murderers, like happy wives, keep quiet tongues. And they probably bear just about the same proportion to the failures as the divorced couples do to the happily mated.”

  “Aren’t you putting it rather high?”

  “I don’t know. Nor does anybody. That’s the devil of it. But you ask any doctor, when you’ve got him in an unbuttoned, well-lubricated frame of mind, if he hasn’t often had grisly suspicions which he could not and dared not take steps to verify. You see by our friend Carr what happens when one doctor is a trifle more courageous than the rest.”

  “Well, he couldn’t prove anything.”

  “I know. But that doesn’t mean there’s nothing to be proved. Look at the scores and scores of murders that have gone unproved and unsuspected till the fool of a murderer went too far and did something silly which blew up the whole show. Palmer, for instance. His wife and brother and mother-in-law and various illegitimate children, all peacefully put away—till he made the mistake of polishing Cook off in that spectacular manner. Look at George Joseph Smith. Nobody’d have thought of bothering any more about those first two wives he drowned. It was only when he did it the third time that he aroused suspicion. Armstrong, too, is supposed to have got away with many more crimes than he was tried for—it was being clumsy over Martin and the chocolates that stirred up the hornets’ nest in the end. Burke and Hare were convicted of murdering an old woman, and then brightly confessed that they’d put away sixteen people in two months and no one a penny the wiser.”

  “But they were caught.”

  “Because they were fools. If you murder someone in a brutal, messy way, or poison someone who has previously enjoyed rollicking health, or choose the very day after a will’s been made in your favour to extinguish the testator, or go on killing everyone you meet till people begin to think you’re first cousin to a upas tree, naturally you’re found out in the end. But choose somebody old and ill, in circumstances where the benefit to yourself isn’t too apparent, and use a sensible method that looks like natural death or accident, and don’t repeat your effects too often, and you’re safe. I swear all the heart-diseases and gastric enteritis and influenzas that get certified are not nature’s unaided work. Murder’s so easy, Charles, so damned easy—even without special training.”

  Parker looked troubled.

  “There’s something in what you say. I’ve heard some funny tales myself. We all do, I suppose. But Miss Dawson—”

  “Miss Dawson fascinates me, Charles. Such a beautiful subject. So old and ill. So likely to die soon. Bound to die before long. No near relations to make inquiries. No connections or old friends in the neighbourhood. And so rich. Upon my soul, Charles, I lie in bed licking my lips over ways and means of murdering Miss Dawson.”

  “Well, anyhow, till you can think of one that defies analysis and doesn’t seem to need a motive, you haven’t found the right one,” said Parker, practically, rather revolted by this ghoulish conversation.

  “I admit that,” replied Lord Peter, “but that only shows that as yet I’m merely a third-rate murderer. Wait till I’ve perfected my method and then I’ll show you—perhaps. Some wise old buffer has said that each of us holds the life of one other person between his hands—but only one, Charles, only one.”

  CHAPTER IX

  THE WILL

  “Our wills are ours to make them thine.”

  TENNYSON: IN MEMORIAM

  “HULLO! HULLO—ULLO! OH, operator, shall I call thee bird or but a wandering voice? … Not at all, I had no intention of being rude, my child, that was a quotation from the poetry of Mr. Wordsworth … well, ring him again … thank you, is that Dr. Carr? … Lord Peter Wimsey speaking … oh, yes … yes … aha! … not a bit of it. … We are about to vindicate you and lead you home, decorated with triumphal wreaths of cinnamon and senna-pods. … No, really … we’ve come to the conclusion that the thing is serious. … Yes. … I want Nurse Forbes’ address. … Right, I’ll hold on. … Luton? … oh, Tooting, yes, I’ve got that. … Certainly, I’ve no doubt she’s a tartar, but I’m the Grand Panjandrum with the little round button a-top. … Thanks awfully … cheer-frightfully-ho!—oh! I say!—hullo!—I say, she doesn’t do Maternity work, does she? Maternity work?—M for Mother-in-law-Maternity?—No—You’re sure? … It would be simply awful if she did and came along. … I couldn’t possibly produce a baby for her. … As long as you’re quite sure. … Right—right—yes—not for the world—nothing to do with you at all. Good-bye, old thing, good-bye.”

  Lord Peter hung up, whistling cheerfully, and called for Bunter.

  “My lord?”

  “What is the proper suit to put on, Bunter, when one is an expectant father?”

  “I regret, my lord, to have seen no recent fashions in paternity wear. I should say, my lord, whichever suit your lordship fancies will induce a calm and cheerful frame of mind in the lady.”

  “Unfortunately I don’t know the lady. She is, in fact, only the figment of an over-teeming brain. But I think the garments should express bright hope, self-congratulation, and a tinge of tender anxiety.”

  “A newly married situation, my lord, I take it. Then I would suggest the lounge suit in pale grey—the willow-pussy cloth, my lord—with a dull amethyst tie and socks and a soft hat. I would not recommend a bowler, my lord. The anxiety expressed in a bowler hat would be rather of the financial kind.”

  “No doubt you are right, Bunter. And I will wear those gloves that got so unfortunately soiled yesterday at Charing Cross. I am too
agitated to worry about a clean pair.”

  “Very good, my lord.”

  “No stick, perhaps.”

  “Subject to your lordship’s better judgment, I should suggest that a stick may be suitably handled to express emotion.”

  “You are always right, Bunter. Call me a taxi, and tell the man to drive to Tooting.”

  Nurse Forbes regretted very much. She would have liked to oblige Mr. Simms-Gaythorpe, but she never undertook maternity work. She wondered who could have misled Mr. Simms-Gaythorpe by giving him her name.

  “Well, y’know, I can’t say I was misled,” said Mr. Simms-Gaythorpe, dropping his walking-stick and retrieving it with an ingenuous laugh. “Miss Murgatroyd—you know Miss Murgatroyd of Leahampton, I think—yes—she—that is, I heard about you through her” (this was a fact), “and she said what a charming person—excuse my repeatin’ these personal remarks, won’t you?—what a charmin’ person you were and all that, and how nice it would be if we could persuade you to come, don’t you see. But she said she was afraid perhaps you didn’t do maternity work. Still, y’know, I thought it was worth tryin’, what? Bein’ so anxious, what?—about my wife, that is, you see. So necessary to have someone young and cheery at these—er—critical times, don’t you know. Maternity nurses often such ancient and ponderous sort of people—if you don’t mind my sayin’so. My wife’s highly nervous—naturally—first effort and all that—doesn’t like middle-aged people tramplin’ round—you see the idea?”

  Nurse Forbes, who was a bony woman of about forty, saw the point perfectly, and was very sorry she really could not see her way to undertaking the work.

  “It was very kind of Miss Murgatroyd,” she said. “Do you know her well? Such a delightful woman, is she not?”