For You

  Then he let me go, leaving me against the door. He walked to the nightstand, grabbed his coffee and then hit the bathroom, closing the door halfway.

  I watched this whole thing, unable to move. I didn’t know what I was feeling because I never felt it in my entire life. Never. Not when we were together before. Not anytime while I grew up in a happy house with a family I loved who looked out for me. Never. I wasn’t even certain there was a word for it but, like the kiss that came just before, I knew I’d ever forget standing there at Colt’s bedroom door, feeling that startlingly miraculous feeling.

  After I pulled myself together, wiped my face with my hands, turned, opened and walked out the door, I took a few deep breaths as I walked down the hall.

  Jessie and Josie watched my progress but I was too busy freaking out at the same time trying to stop myself from doing cartwheels and maybe a few girlie, cheerleader jumps in the air with my arms straight up, waving imaginary pom poms to pay any attention to them.

  “You were in there a lot longer than it took to hand Colt a mug of coffee,” Jessie, always nosy, remarked.

  I resumed my place at the counter about the same time my eyes hit hers, not together enough to remind myself that I usually kept myself to myself, even sometimes with friends, and I shared, “Colt’s decided I’m moving in with him, I think he still loves me, he told me he missed me, the Feds have offered us protective custody and it’s my decision if we go away while this all goes down.”

  Jessie stared at me eyes wide for three beats then she said, “You weren’t in there long enough for all that.”

  “Colt’s focused. He has to get to the Station.”

  “Are you moving in with him?” Josie asked and I looked at her.

  “You didn’t hear me. Colt’s decided I’m moving in with him and he’s focused. He didn’t actually open it up for discussion.”

  “He told you to move in with him?” Jessie asked, her eyebrows so far up, half her forehead disappeared. It was clear by the look on her face she couldn’t wrap her mind around this concept. I doubt Jimbo ever told Jessie to do anything. Then again, I also doubted Jimbo was up for the task of holding her by her ass with her back pressed against the wall while he fucked her, hard, until she had a mind-boggling orgasm.

  “Pretty much,” I said.

  “I repeat, are you moving in with him?” Josie asked again.

  I looked at Josie, so did Jessie. We all knew the history, too well. And anyway, we’d all just watched him walk through the living room. Half the women alive on earth who saw him walk through the living room wouldn’t quibble if he told them to move in with him. He’d capped it with that kiss, which I wasn’t going to share, that was Colt’s and mine.

  “He has a nice kitchen,” I said by way of explanation and we all burst out laughing.

  “Women,” Brad muttered under his breath as he walked through the living room and we all turned to look at Brad.

  He was probably twenty-three, twenty-four and he spent a lot of time at J&J’s playing pool with his buddies intermingled with trying to score. He wasn’t a bad looking guy, great body, not exactly tall, not short either, but very fit, though he needed some fashion direction. By my estimation, considering I didn’t keep close tabs, he was half and half with the ladies, hit and miss. It wasn’t that he struck out often; it was just that he’d do a lot better with practice.

  He was nowhere near experienced enough to mutter the word “women” like that. However, I had learned from a lot of practice at keeping my mouth shut at the shit I heard at the bar to do exactly that. Keep my mouth shut.

  Jessie never kept her mouth shut.

  “Bradley Goins, learn quick, little man. You’re in the abode of the master. You pay attention, you too can someday tell a hot chick she’s gonna move in with you and she won’t talk back.”

  Chip chuckled as he bent over his big tool box. I shook my head. Brad mumbled, “Whatever.” Josie pulled her cell out of her purse, expertly flipped it open with one hand, hit a button and put it to her ear.

  “Heidi? Get this. Listen.” She held her phone toward the living room for a second, then put it back to her ear and asked, “You hear that?” She paused as my eyes slid to Jessie who was grinning so huge I thought her face would split in half. “No? Well that’s a shower goin’ and in that shower is Alec Colton and I’m in his livin’ room.” She paused again while I heard a loud squeal come from her phone. “Yeah, that’s right, sister. I’m about two rooms away from a naked Alec Colton.”

  “Jesus,” Chip muttered and Jessie and I started laughing.

  “Yeah, you got it,” Josie continued, “a naked and wet Alec Colton.”

  “Bet you forgot this part,” Jessie said to me, still laughing.

  “What part?”

  “Every woman in town pantin’ after your man.”

  I didn’t forget it. I just forgot that feeling of not worrying about it. Once my brain led me to the path of worrying about it when Colt wouldn’t have sex with me, it was all I could think of. I scanned my emotions and tried to find a hint of anxiety. When I couldn’t find it, I shrugged to Jessie and grabbed the white bag with Colt’s muffin in it. I put the muffin on a plate, split it in half with a knife, smothered it in butter and set it in the microwave, ready to nuke when he came out of the shower.

  “By the way,” Josie said into her phone when I closed the door on the microwave, “I got it official, was right here when it went down. Colt and Feb are baaaaaaaaaaaack.”

  “Jesus, that shit’ll be all over town in half an hour,” Chip muttered again but, hearing Josie’s happiness at relating this news, I felt something get tight in my chest. It didn’t feel bad because I knew Colt had been right. People never stopped liking me. Not Josie, her sister Heidi, her husband Chip, Joe-Bob, Lorraine and the dozens upon dozens of people who didn’t stop coming to the bar when it became mine or when trouble hit. People who didn’t stop talking to me, smiling at me, laughing when I told a joke. People who were coming now to watch the Colt and Feb Show only partly because they were curious but mostly because they cared, not just about Colt, but about me.

  I hid the sudden emotion this knowledge welled up inside me behind a sip of my now-cold Meems’s latte. It was a struggle to get the sip down, not because it didn’t still taste good, but because I had a huge lump on my throat.

  Josie got off the phone and Chip and Brad started testing sensors, beeping going on and off everywhere and I nearly missed the shower going off because of it. I still managed to time nuking the muffin just right and the microwave pinged about four seconds after Colt threw his holster and blazer on the dining room table under the watchful and varying degrees of lustful eyes of three women. Jessie’s eyes were only a tad lustful, knowing it would never be and not bothered by that fact. Josie’s eyes were more lustful, wondering how it would be. My eyes were probably seriously lustful, knowing how it was.

  Unfortunately my family had good timing too and they hit the front door about the time I was sliding Colt’s muffin from the microwave.

  “Hey Dad, Mamma Jamma, Morrie,” I called as Morrie closed the door behind them and security beeping went on and off again.

  “Shit, I didn’t get enough muffins,” Jessie muttered.

  “Chip, take a break,” Dad ordered curtly instead of greeting us and I kept my eyes glued on him but felt Colt’s head come around at Dad’s words and tone.

  “What’s up?” Colt asked as I put the muffin plate down on the counter.

  “Family meetin’,” Dad replied, Mom hit the kitchen and went straight to the mug cupboard and Morrie moved in behind Jessie.

  “Maybe I should go,” Josie mumbled.

  “You’re fine, sweetie,” Mom said to Josie, Josie gave me a look to ascertain my agreement and I nodded though I wasn’t sure I should have.

  “Jack, I need to get to the Station,” Colt said and Dad stopped dead center across the bar and leveled his eyes on Colt.

  “Son,” he said softly, “I said ‘fam
ily meetin’’. Your work’s important but there’s nothin’ more important than family.”

  Colt was behind me and I didn’t see his response to this mainly because he moved in closer. I was standing at the counter, slightly twisted from it, my hand resting on it. Colt got in close and rested his weight into his hand which he set so close to mine he was touching me. I figured, since he was settling in, he agreed with Dad.

  “I’m thinkin’,” Dad began, “since things are as they are, that this is good.” He nodded to Colt and my hands on the counter. “That said, I’m not a big fan of you callin’ boys out at the bar,” he said to Colt.

  Oh Lord, Dad was talking to Colt like he talked to Colt when Colt was fifteen. I hadn’t heard him talk to Colt like that in donkey’s years and I was not thinking this was good. In fact, I was thinking, since Colt wasn’t anywhere near fifteen and definitely now was his own man, this was probably very bad.

  “Jack, it was under my control,” Colt replied.

  “Lotta boys talked nonsense about Feb back in the day, you gonna call them all out?”

  This statement shocked me. I watched Dad’s face trying to determine if he thought it was nonsense now, or if he knew it was nonsense then. It came to me in a flash that he knew it was nonsense then and the respect he lost for me was not because he thought I was running around, but that I wasn’t defending myself. Instead, I was allowing myself to get buried under it and then making more stupid decisions, like marrying Pete, getting messed up by him and then leaving, instead of sorting it out with Colt, losing all that was me along the way. Dad, nor Mom, meddled, hardly ever. They advised, usually when you asked for it, but they let you go your own way, make your own mistakes and they hoped you learned from them. The past two decades must have been a living hell for them and maybe not just because of me and the path I chose, but also because of Colt and that he chose not to yank me off of it.

  “They come to the bar and have a mind to mess with me or Feb, absolutely,” Colt answered, his voice firm but slipping toward pissed. He didn’t have time for this conversation but, even if he did, he still wouldn’t have time for this conversation.

  “Dad, only asshole who’d do that is Stew and Colt made things clear to Stew last night,” Morrie put in.

  Dad changed the subject and asked bluntly, “How solid are you two?”

  I felt my head jerk then my muscles went stiff.

  Things were getting more and more solid with Colt and that made me want to do cartwheels and cheerleader jumps but that was in my head. Out loud, in front of my family, Jessie, Josie, Chip and Brad, not to mention Colt, I did not want to be having this conversation.

  Colt’s hand came to my hip and he said, “Jack, due respect, let Feb and me work this out.”

  “Colt, due respect, you two are caught up in one in-tense situation. That situation is gonna go away, what I wanna know is, where will you two be after it’s over?”

  “Dad, please,” I said.

  “Like I said, Jack, we’re workin’ it out,” Colt replied.

  “And like I asked, Colt, how solid are you?”

  “Jack –” Colt started.

  “I watched two of the four people I love most in this world fall apart twenty years ago and I stood by while doin’ it. This time, I’m askin’, how solid are you?”

  Colt’s fingers gripped my hip hard and he declared, “Speakin for me, like a rock.”

  I closed my eyes tight, fighting back cartwheels and cheerleader jumps by pulling in breath.

  “Feb,” Dad called and I opened my eyes.

  I hadn’t even talked to Colt about this, now…

  “Feb,” Dad called again.

  “Dad –”

  “Feb –”

  I stared at my father in the eyes and cut him off by repeating Colt’s words. “Like a rock.”

  Dad smiled, I felt Colt’s body touch mine as he came even closer behind me but I wasn’t done.

  “Which I would have liked to have told Colt without an audience, preferably at Costa’s or, if not at some romantic locale, then at least one of the seconds we actually have alone, which are a fair few, so now, due respect and all that, you’ve pissed me off.”

  “I can handle that,” Dad returned immediately, still smiling, moving forward, settling in between an also smiling Jessie and Josie and saying, “Jackie, need coffee, woman.”

  “Yeesh, I’m like a handmaid,” Mom muttered but got Dad coffee. In Mom’s actions I saw my future and it both scared and elated me. Colt gave my hip a squeeze just as his hand at the counter moved to fully cover mine.

  This felt good, immeasurably good, but I wasn’t done being mad and I kept myself stiff and gave my father the daughter death stare I’d been perfecting since my life began.

  “Shut it down, February, and get over it, meetin’s not done,” Dad said to me.

  “What now? Got no more heartfelt declarations to give to the day,” I returned.

  “Then shut up and listen,” Dad replied and I heard Colt laugh softly behind me which made me grow all the stiffer regardless that he’d just declared we were solid as a rock which, normally, would be news worthy of etching into my journal with a gold-tipped pen.

  I felt his lips at my ear before Colt asked, “Romantic locale?”

  I rolled my eyes.

  “Feb just rolled her eyes,” Jessie told Colt helpfully and I transferred my death glare to her.

  Colt’s arm slid fully around my waist and I couldn’t hear his laughter anymore but I sure could feel it.

  “Maybe we’re not solid,” I announced to the room. “Maybe we’re very, very shaky.”

  That’s when I heard Colt’s laughter come back.

  “Earthquake!” I declared loudly and it couldn’t be missed, angrily. Regardless, Colt, and pretty much everyone else, burst out laughing.

  “Feb, quit messin’ around, Colt’s gotta get to the Station,” Dad said after he quit laughing.

  I decided not to inform my father that I wasn’t messing around and instead felt slightly embarrassed but highly emotional and I didn’t need that shit, definitely not facing a day with Amy’s funeral looming and Denny out there wreaking havoc, but also not anytime.

  Dad took a sip of coffee, Colt took his hand from mine on the counter, leaned into me to nab half of the muffin but kept his arm around me when his hand disappeared and I knew he was eating it. I kept up my grudge because I was good at it, known for it and, anyway, by my way of thinking, they all deserved it.

  Dad started talking again. “Morrison and Delilah have worked things out. He’s movin’ back in and Jackie and me are movin’ to his place for awhile.”

  “You can have your pick,” Josie told them. “Feb’s apartment will be open, seein’ as she’s movin’ in with Colt.”

  I felt Mom, Dad and Morrie’s eyes hit me and Colt, all at the same time.

  “Josie!” Chip snapped.

  “What?” Josie snapped back with narrowed eyes. “Jackie said it was okay, me bein’ in on the family meetin’ and all.”

  “Shit, woman, that doesn’t mean you can participate,” Chip returned.

  “You’re movin’ in with Colt?” Morrie asked me before Josie could reply, which was good, Josie could be a ball-buster. She was also not a woman who would be told what to do, not like Jessie, who knew the art of compromise (though, it should be said, Jessie knew it existed, she didn’t utilize it much). Josie was so much not that kind of woman, she was a little bit scary. It was lucky she found Chip, who was as easygoing as they come. No matter that Josie was super pretty, not many men would put up with her being like that.

  “Yes,” I said sharply, deciding to officially tell Morrie later I was happy for him and Dee. “Now, can we move on?”

  “You told Josie and Jessie?” Colt asked from behind me, giving me a squeeze to get my attention at the same time reaching for the second half of his muffin.

  “Yes,” I replied again.

  “Baby, we decided, like, ten minutes ago.”
br />   I twisted my neck to look at him and said, “Correction, Colt, you told me to move in ten minutes ago.”

  He grinned through chewing and then, also through chewing, he said, “Yeah. Right.” He swallowed and said, “Still, didn’t ‘spect you to announce it so soon.” Then he took the last man-bite of his muffin, which was to say, shoving the rest of it in his mouth.

  “I’m uncertain how this is moving the family meeting along so you can get to the Station,” I told him.

  He chewed then swallowed again and said through another smile, “Just pleased you’re so excited, honey.”

  “Do you have a hatchet?” I asked him.

  “Got a mind to use it?” he asked back.

  “Yeah,” I said.

  “Then, no,” he said back.

  “Kids, can we focus?” Mom asked and I twisted back but also tried to pull out of Colt’s arm. It tightened which meant I failed so, instead, I crossed my arms on my chest.

  “Like I was sayin’, we’re movin’ into Morrie’s, a bit more room, Feb,” Dad’s eyes came to me then he went on. “‘Cause Dee’s gonna give notice today and try her hand at the bar. We’re gonna be around to help at the bar and with the kids while she’s gettin’ on her feet.”

  This, I suspected from what happened last night and it also made me want to shout with glee. But, as I mentioned, I was good with a grudge so I kept my trap shut.

  “It’d be good you could spell Feb too so she can get settled here and we can have some time together,” Colt put in.

  “Oh!” Jessie cried. “You two should take a vacation.”

  “Good idea,” Mom said.

  “Colt and Morrie just went fishin’ and I’m fine without a vacation,” I declared then put in for good measure, “and I’m good with my schedule at work.”

  “You work more’n me anyway, Feb,” Morrie spoke the truth. “With Dee helpin’, we’ll work somethin’ out to make things more even and, in the meantime, you can take a breather.”

  “I like my hours,” I asserted again.

  “You’ll have somethin’ to fit in those hours now,” Dad reminded me, another fact that made me quietly happy but I was damn well not going to show it.