The Wind in the Willows

XII. THE RETURN OF ULYSSES

When it began to grow dark, the Rat, with an air of excitement andmystery, summoned them back into the parlour, stood each of them upalongside of his little heap, and proceeded to dress them up for thecoming expedition. He was very earnest and thoroughgoing about it, andthe affair took quite a long time. First, there was a belt to go roundeach animal, and then a sword to be stuck into each belt, and thena cutlass on the other side to balance it. Then a pair of pistols, apoliceman's truncheon, several sets of handcuffs, some bandages andsticking-plaster, and a flask and a sandwich-case. The Badger laughedgood-humouredly and said, 'All right, Ratty! It amuses you and itdoesn't hurt me. I'm going to do all I've got to do with this herestick.' But the Rat only said, 'PLEASE, Badger. You know I shouldn'tlike you to blame me afterwards and say I had forgotten ANYTHING!'

When all was quite ready, the Badger took a dark lantern in one paw,grasped his great stick with the other, and said, 'Now then, follow me!Mole first, 'cos I'm very pleased with him; Rat next; Toad last. Andlook here, Toady! Don't you chatter so much as usual, or you'll be sentback, as sure as fate!'

The Toad was so anxious not to be left out that he took up the inferiorposition assigned to him without a murmur, and the animals set off. TheBadger led them along by the river for a little way, and then suddenlyswung himself over the edge into a hole in the river-bank, a littleabove the water. The Mole and the Rat followed silently, swingingthemselves successfully into the hole as they had seen the Badger do;but when it came to Toad's turn, of course he managed to slip and fallinto the water with a loud splash and a squeal of alarm. He was hauledout by his friends, rubbed down and wrung out hastily, comforted, andset on his legs; but the Badger was seriously angry, and told him thatthe very next time he made a fool of himself he would most certainly beleft behind.

So at last they were in the secret passage, and the cutting-outexpedition had really begun!

It was cold, and dark, and damp, and low, and narrow, and poor Toadbegan to shiver, partly from dread of what might be before him, partlybecause he was wet through. The lantern was far ahead, and he could nothelp lagging behind a little in the darkness. Then he heard the Rat callout warningly, 'COME on, Toad!' and a terror seized him of being leftbehind, alone in the darkness, and he 'came on' with such a rush thathe upset the Rat into the Mole and the Mole into the Badger, and for amoment all was confusion. The Badger thought they were being attackedfrom behind, and, as there was no room to use a stick or a cutlass, drewa pistol, and was on the point of putting a bullet into Toad. When hefound out what had really happened he was very angry indeed, and said,'Now this time that tiresome Toad SHALL be left behind!'

But Toad whimpered, and the other two promised that they would beanswerable for his good conduct, and at last the Badger was pacified,and the procession moved on; only this time the Rat brought up the rear,with a firm grip on the shoulder of Toad.

So they groped and shuffled along, with their ears pricked up and theirpaws on their pistols, till at last the Badger said, 'We ought by now tobe pretty nearly under the Hall.'

Then suddenly they heard, far away as it might be, and yet apparentlynearly over their heads, a confused murmur of sound, as if people wereshouting and cheering and stamping on the floor and hammering on tables.The Toad's nervous terrors all returned, but the Badger only remarkedplacidly, 'They ARE going it, the Weasels!'

The passage now began to slope upwards; they groped onward a littlefurther, and then the noise broke out again, quite distinct this time,and very close above them. 'Ooo-ray-ooray-oo-ray-ooray!' they heard, andthe stamping of little feet on the floor, and the clinking of glassesas little fists pounded on the table. 'WHAT a time they're having!' saidthe Badger. 'Come on!' They hurried along the passage till it came to afull stop, and they found themselves standing under the trap-door thatled up into the butler's pantry.

Such a tremendous noise was going on in the banqueting-hall that therewas little danger of their being overheard. The Badger said, 'Now, boys,all together!' and the four of them put their shoulders to the trap-doorand heaved it back. Hoisting each other up, they found themselvesstanding in the pantry, with only a door between them and thebanqueting-hall, where their unconscious enemies were carousing.

The noise, as they emerged from the passage, was simply deafening. Atlast, as the cheering and hammering slowly subsided, a voice couldbe made out saying, 'Well, I do not propose to detain you muchlonger'--(great applause)--'but before I resume my seat'--(renewedcheering)--'I should like to say one word about our kind host, Mr. Toad.We all know Toad!'--(great laughter)--'GOOD Toad, MODEST Toad, HONESTToad!' (shrieks of merriment).

'Only just let me get at him!' muttered Toad, grinding his teeth.

'Hold hard a minute!' said the Badger, restraining him with difficulty.'Get ready, all of you!'

'--Let me sing you a little song,' went on the voice, 'which I havecomposed on the subject of Toad'--(prolonged applause).

Then the Chief Weasel--for it was he--began in a high, squeaky voice--

'Toad he went a-pleasuring Gaily down the street--'

The Badger drew himself up, took a firm grip of his stick with bothpaws, glanced round at his comrades, and cried--

'The hour is come! Follow me!'

And flung the door open wide.

My!

What a squealing and a squeaking and a screeching filled the air!

Well might the terrified weasels dive under the tables and spring madlyup at the windows! Well might the ferrets rush wildly for the fireplaceand get hopelessly jammed in the chimney! Well might tables and chairsbe upset, and glass and china be sent crashing on the floor, in thepanic of that terrible moment when the four Heroes strode wrathfullyinto the room! The mighty Badger, his whiskers bristling, his greatcudgel whistling through the air; Mole, black and grim, brandishing hisstick and shouting his awful war-cry, 'A Mole! A Mole!' Rat; desperateand determined, his belt bulging with weapons of every age and everyvariety; Toad, frenzied with excitement and injured pride, swollen totwice his ordinary size, leaping into the air and emitting Toad-whoopsthat chilled them to the marrow! 'Toad he went a-pleasuring!' he yelled.'I'LL pleasure 'em!' and he went straight for the Chief Weasel. Theywere but four in all, but to the panic-stricken weasels the hall seemedfull of monstrous animals, grey, black, brown and yellow, whooping andflourishing enormous cudgels; and they broke and fled with squealsof terror and dismay, this way and that, through the windows, up thechimney, anywhere to get out of reach of those terrible sticks.

The affair was soon over. Up and down, the whole length of the hall,strode the four Friends, whacking with their sticks at every head thatshowed itself; and in five minutes the room was cleared. Through thebroken windows the shrieks of terrified weasels escaping across the lawnwere borne faintly to their ears; on the floor lay prostrate some dozenor so of the enemy, on whom the Mole was busily engaged in fittinghandcuffs. The Badger, resting from his labours, leant on his stick andwiped his honest brow.

'Mole,' he said,' 'you're the best of fellows! Just cut along outsideand look after those stoat-sentries of yours, and see what they'redoing. I've an idea that, thanks to you, we shan't have much troublefrom them to-night!'

The Mole vanished promptly through a window; and the Badger bade theother two set a table on its legs again, pick up knives and forks andplates and glasses from the debris on the floor, and see if they couldfind materials for a supper. 'I want some grub, I do,' he said, in thatrather common way he had of speaking. 'Stir your stumps, Toad, and looklively! We've got your house back for you, and you don't offer us somuch as a sandwich.' Toad felt rather hurt that the Badger didn't saypleasant things to him, as he had to the Mole, and tell him what afine fellow he was, and how splendidly he had fought; for he was ratherparticularly pleased with himself and the way he had gone for the ChiefWeasel and sent him flying across the table with one blow of his stick.But he bustled about, and so did the Rat, and soon they found some guavajelly in a glass dish, and a cold chicken, a tongue that had hardlybeen touched, some trifle, and quite a lot of lobster salad; and in thepantry they came upon a basketful of French rolls and any quantity ofcheese, butter, and celery. They were just about to sit down when theMole clambered in through the window, chuckling, with an armful ofrifles.

'It's all over,' he reported. 'From what I can make out, as soon as thestoats, who were very nervous and jumpy already, heard the shrieks andthe yells and the uproar inside the hall, some of them threw down theirrifles and fled. The others stood fast for a bit, but when the weaselscame rushing out upon them they thought they were betrayed; and thestoats grappled with the weasels, and the weasels fought to get away,and they wrestled and wriggled and punched each other, and rolledover and over, till most of 'em rolled into the river! They've alldisappeared by now, one way or another; and I've got their rifles. Sothat's all right!'

'Excellent and deserving animal!' said the Badger, his mouth full ofchicken and trifle. 'Now, there's just one more thing I want you to do,Mole, before you sit down to your supper along of us; and I wouldn'ttrouble you only I know I can trust you to see a thing done, and I wishI could say the same of every one I know. I'd send Rat, if he wasn't apoet. I want you to take those fellows on the floor there upstairs withyou, and have some bedrooms cleaned out and tidied up and made reallycomfortable. See that they sweep UNDER the beds, and put clean sheetsand pillow-cases on, and turn down one corner of the bed-clothes, justas you know it ought to be done; and have a can of hot water, and cleantowels, and fresh cakes of soap, put in each room. And then you can givethem a licking a-piece, if it's any satisfaction to you, and put themout by the back-door, and we shan't see any more of THEM, I fancy. Andthen come along and have some of this cold tongue. It's first rate. I'mvery pleased with you, Mole!'

The goodnatured Mole picked up a stick, formed his prisoners up in aline on the floor, gave them the order 'Quick march!' and led his squadoff to the upper floor. After a time, he appeared again, smiling, andsaid that every room was ready, and as clean as a new pin. 'And I didn'thave to lick them, either,' he added. 'I thought, on the whole, they hadhad licking enough for one night, and the weasels, when I put the pointto them, quite agreed with me, and said they wouldn't think of troublingme. They were very penitent, and said they were extremely sorry forwhat they had done, but it was all the fault of the Chief Weasel and thestoats, and if ever they could do anything for us at any time to makeup, we had only got to mention it. So I gave them a roll a-piece, andlet them out at the back, and off they ran, as hard as they could!'

Then the Mole pulled his chair up to the table, and pitched into thecold tongue; and Toad, like the gentleman he was, put all his jealousyfrom him, and said heartily, 'Thank you kindly, dear Mole, for allyour pains and trouble tonight, and especially for your cleverness thismorning!' The Badger was pleased at that, and said, 'There spoke mybrave Toad!' So they finished their supper in great joy and contentment,and presently retired to rest between clean sheets, safe in Toad'sancestral home, won back by matchless valour, consummate strategy, and aproper handling of sticks.

The following morning, Toad, who had overslept himself as usual, camedown to breakfast disgracefully late, and found on the table a certainquantity of egg-shells, some fragments of cold and leathery toast, acoffee-pot three-fourths empty, and really very little else; which didnot tend to improve his temper, considering that, after all, it was hisown house. Through the French windows of the breakfast-room he couldsee the Mole and the Water Rat sitting in wicker-chairs out on the lawn,evidently telling each other stories; roaring with laughter and kickingtheir short legs up in the air. The Badger, who was in an arm-chair anddeep in the morning paper, merely looked up and nodded when Toad enteredthe room. But Toad knew his man, so he sat down and made the bestbreakfast he could, merely observing to himself that he would get squarewith the others sooner or later. When he had nearly finished, the Badgerlooked up and remarked rather shortly: 'I'm sorry, Toad, but I'm afraidthere's a heavy morning's work in front of you. You see, we really oughtto have a Banquet at once, to celebrate this affair. It's expected ofyou--in fact, it's the rule.'

'O, all right!' said the Toad, readily. 'Anything to oblige. Thoughwhy on earth you should want to have a Banquet in the morning I cannotunderstand. But you know I do not live to please myself, but merely tofind out what my friends want, and then try and arrange it for 'em, youdear old Badger!'

'Don't pretend to be stupider than you really are,' replied the Badger,crossly; 'and don't chuckle and splutter in your coffee while you'retalking; it's not manners. What I mean is, the Banquet will be at night,of course, but the invitations will have to be written and got off atonce, and you've got to write 'em. Now, sit down at that table--there'sstacks of letter-paper on it, with ”Toad Hall” at the top in blue andgold--and write invitations to all our friends, and if you stick to itwe shall get them out before luncheon. And I'LL bear a hand, too; andtake my share of the burden. I'LL order the Banquet.'

'What!' cried Toad, dismayed. 'Me stop indoors and write a lot ofrotten letters on a jolly morning like this, when I want to go around myproperty, and set everything and everybody to rights, and swagger aboutand enjoy myself! Certainly not! I'll be--I'll see you----Stop a minute,though! Why, of course, dear Badger! What is my pleasure or conveniencecompared with that of others! You wish it done, and it shall be done.Go, Badger, order the Banquet, order what you like; then join our youngfriends outside in their innocent mirth, oblivious of me and my caresand toils. I sacrifice this fair morning on the altar of duty andfriendship!'

The Badger looked at him very suspiciously, but Toad's frank, opencountenance made it difficult to suggest any unworthy motive in thischange of attitude. He quitted the room, accordingly, in the directionof the kitchen, and as soon as the door had closed behind him, Toadhurried to the writing-table. A fine idea had occurred to him while hewas talking. He WOULD write the invitations; and he would take care tomention the leading part he had taken in the fight, and how he had laidthe Chief Weasel flat; and he would hint at his adventures, and what acareer of triumph he had to tell about; and on the fly-leaf he would setout a sort of a programme of entertainment for the evening--somethinglike this, as he sketched it out in his head:--

SPEECH. . . . BY TOAD. (There will be other speeches by TOAD during the evening.)

ADDRESS. . . BY TOAD

SYNOPSIS--Our Prison System--the Waterways of Old England--Horse-dealing, and how to deal--Property, its rights and its duties--Back to the Land-- A Typical English Squire.

SONG. . . . BY TOAD. (Composed by himself.)

OTHER COMPOSITIONS. BY TOAD will be sung in the course of the evening by the. . . COMPOSER.

The idea pleased him mightily, and he worked very hard and got all theletters finished by noon, at which hour it was reported to him thatthere was a small and rather bedraggled weasel at the door, inquiringtimidly whether he could be of any service to the gentlemen. Toadswaggered out and found it was one of the prisoners of the previousevening, very respectful and anxious to please. He patted him on thehead, shoved the bundle of invitations into his paw, and told him tocut along quick and deliver them as fast as he could, and if he likedto come back again in the evening, perhaps there might be a shillingfor him, or, again, perhaps there mightn't; and the poor weasel seemedreally quite grateful, and hurried off eagerly to do his mission.

When the other animals came back to luncheon, very boisterous andbreezy after a morning on the river, the Mole, whose conscience had beenpricking him, looked doubtfully at Toad, expecting to find him sulky ordepressed. Instead, he was so uppish and inflated that the Mole beganto suspect something; while the Rat and the Badger exchanged significantglances.

As soon as the meal was over, Toad thrust his paws deep into histrouser-pockets, remarked casually, 'Well, look after yourselves, youfellows! Ask for anything you want!' and was swaggering off in thedirection of the garden, where he wanted to think out an idea or two forhis coming speeches, when the Rat caught him by the arm.

Toad rather suspected what he was after, and did his best to get away;but when the Badger took him firmly by the other arm he began to seethat the game was up. The two animals conducted him between them intothe small smoking-room that opened out of the entrance-hall, shut thedoor, and put him into a chair. Then they both stood in front ofhim, while Toad sat silent and regarded them with much suspicion andill-humour.

'Now, look here, Toad,' said the Rat. 'It's about this Banquet, andvery sorry I am to have to speak to you like this. But we want you tounderstand clearly, once and for all, that there are going to be nospeeches and no songs. Try and grasp the fact that on this occasionwe're not arguing with you; we're just telling you.'

Toad saw that he was trapped. They understood him, they saw through him,they had got ahead of him. His pleasant dream was shattered.

'Mayn't I sing them just one LITTLE song?' he pleaded piteously.

'No, not ONE little song,' replied the Rat firmly, though his heart bledas he noticed the trembling lip of the poor disappointed Toad. 'It's nogood, Toady; you know well that your songs are all conceit and boastingand vanity; and your speeches are all self-praise and--and--well, andgross exaggeration and--and----'

'And gas,' put in the Badger, in his common way.

'It's for your own good, Toady,' went on the Rat. 'You know you MUSTturn over a new leaf sooner or later, and now seems a splendid time tobegin; a sort of turning-point in your career. Please don't think thatsaying all this doesn't hurt me more than it hurts you.'

Toad remained a long while plunged in thought. At last he raised hishead, and the traces of strong emotion were visible on his features.'You have conquered, my friends,' he said in broken accents. 'It was,to be sure, but a small thing that I asked--merely leave to blossomand expand for yet one more evening, to let myself go and hear thetumultuous applause that always seems to me--somehow--to bring out mybest qualities. However, you are right, I know, and I am wrong. Henceforth I will be a very different Toad. My friends, you shall never haveoccasion to blush for me again. But, O dear, O dear, this is a hardworld!'

And, pressing his handkerchief to his face, he left the room, withfaltering footsteps.

'Badger,' said the Rat, '_I_ feel like a brute; I wonder what YOU feellike?'

'O, I know, I know,' said the Badger gloomily. 'But the thing had to bedone. This good fellow has got to live here, and hold his own, and berespected. Would you have him a common laughing-stock, mocked and jeeredat by stoats and weasels?'

'Of course not,' said the Rat. 'And, talking of weasels, it's lucky wecame upon that little weasel, just as he was setting out with Toad'sinvitations. I suspected something from what you told me, and had a lookat one or two; they were simply disgraceful. I confiscated the lot,and the good Mole is now sitting in the blue boudoir, filling up plain,simple invitation cards.'

* * * * *

At last the hour for the banquet began to draw near, and Toad, who onleaving the others had retired to his bedroom, was still sitting there,melancholy and thoughtful. His brow resting on his paw, he pondered longand deeply. Gradually his countenance cleared, and he began to smilelong, slow smiles. Then he took to giggling in a shy, self-consciousmanner. At last he got up, locked the door, drew the curtains acrossthe windows, collected all the chairs in the room and arranged them in asemicircle, and took up his position in front of them, swelling visibly.Then he bowed, coughed twice, and, letting himself go, with upliftedvoice he sang, to the enraptured audience that his imagination soclearly saw.

TOAD'S LAST LITTLE SONG!

The Toad--came--home! There was panic in the parlours and howling in the halls, There was crying in the cow-sheds and shrieking in the stalls, When the Toad--came--home!

When the Toad--came--home! There was smashing in of window and crashing in of door, There was chivvying of weasels that fainted on the floor, When the Toad--came--home!

Bang! go the drums! The trumpeters are tooting and the soldiers are saluting, And the cannon they are shooting and the motor-cars are hooting, As the--Hero--comes!

Shout--Hoo-ray! And let each one of the crowd try and shout it very loud, In honour of an animal of whom you're justly proud, For it's Toad's--great--day!

He sang this very loud, with great unction and expression; and when hehad done, he sang it all over again.

Then he heaved a deep sigh; a long, long, long sigh.

Then he dipped his hairbrush in the water-jug, parted his hair in themiddle, and plastered it down very straight and sleek on each side ofhis face; and, unlocking the door, went quietly down the stairs to greethis guests, who he knew must be assembling in the drawing-room.

All the animals cheered when he entered, and crowded round tocongratulate him and say nice things about his courage, and hiscleverness, and his fighting qualities; but Toad only smiled faintly,and murmured, 'Not at all!' Or, sometimes, for a change, 'On thecontrary!' Otter, who was standing on the hearthrug, describing to anadmiring circle of friends exactly how he would have managed things hadhe been there, came forward with a shout, threw his arm round Toad'sneck, and tried to take him round the room in triumphal progress; butToad, in a mild way, was rather snubby to him, remarking gently, as hedisengaged himself, 'Badger's was the mastermind; the Mole and the WaterRat bore the brunt of the fighting; I merely served in the ranks and didlittle or nothing.' The animals were evidently puzzled and taken abackby this unexpected attitude of his; and Toad felt, as he moved from oneguest to the other, making his modest responses, that he was an objectof absorbing interest to every one.

The Badger had ordered everything of the best, and the banquet was agreat success. There was much talking and laughter and chaff among theanimals, but through it all Toad, who of course was in the chair, lookeddown his nose and murmured pleasant nothings to the animals on eitherside of him. At intervals he stole a glance at the Badger and the Rat,and always when he looked they were staring at each other with theirmouths open; and this gave him the greatest satisfaction. Some of theyounger and livelier animals, as the evening wore on, got whisperingto each other that things were not so amusing as they used to be in thegood old days; and there were some knockings on the table and cries of'Toad! Speech! Speech from Toad! Song! Mr. Toad's song!' But Toad onlyshook his head gently, raised one paw in mild protest, and, by pressingdelicacies on his guests, by topical small-talk, and by earnestinquiries after members of their families not yet old enough to appearat social functions, managed to convey to them that this dinner wasbeing run on strictly conventional lines.

He was indeed an altered Toad!

* * * * *

After this climax, the four animals continued to lead their lives,so rudely broken in upon by civil war, in great joy and contentment,undisturbed by further risings or invasions. Toad, after dueconsultation with his friends, selected a handsome gold chain and locketset with pearls, which he dispatched to the gaoler's daughter witha letter that even the Badger admitted to be modest, grateful, andappreciative; and the engine-driver, in his turn, was properly thankedand compensated for all his pains and trouble. Under severe compulsionfrom the Badger, even the barge-woman was, with some trouble, soughtout and the value of her horse discreetly made good to her; though Toadkicked terribly at this, holding himself to be an instrument of Fate,sent to punish fat women with mottled arms who couldn't tell a realgentleman when they saw one. The amount involved, it was true, was notvery burdensome, the gipsy's valuation being admitted by local assessorsto be approximately correct.

Sometimes, in the course of long summer evenings, the friends would takea stroll together in the Wild Wood, now successfully tamed so far asthey were concerned; and it was pleasing to see how respectfully theywere greeted by the inhabitants, and how the mother-weasels would bringtheir young ones to the mouths of their holes, and say, pointing, 'Look,baby! There goes the great Mr. Toad! And that's the gallant Water Rat, aterrible fighter, walking along o' him! And yonder comes the famous Mr.Mole, of whom you so often have heard your father tell!' But when theirinfants were fractious and quite beyond control, they would quiet themby telling how, if they didn't hush them and not fret them, the terriblegrey Badger would up and get them. This was a base libel on Badger, who,though he cared little about Society, was rather fond of children; butit never failed to have its full effect.