Fallen Hearts

Fanny stepped back, stung by the cold tone in my voice. She wiped the tears from her cheeks with Randall's handkerchief and glared at me.

  "He should be in the Willies," she said. "With his daddy's kind."

  "That will never be," I stated, something proud and strong as steel springing into my spine. "Luke left the Willies to make himself a better life, and he would want the same for his son."

  "Come, Fanny," Randall said softly. Some of the mourners from the circus had stopped to watch us. "This isn't the place to hold such a discussion."

  Fanny looked around for a moment and then smiled.

  "Yer right," she said. "Good-bye fer now, Heaven Leigh. Bye, Drake, honey." She threw him a kiss and then pivoted on her heels and sauntered off with Randall.

  We drove directly to the airport. Drake was like a rag doll in my lap all the way, sitting limply, quietly, his head against my breast. When we arrived at the airport, however, the excitement surrounding the airplanes and the business of travel revived him. He had some lunch and we boarded our plane. I placed him at the window and he became very animated. "Are we up above the birds?" he asked. "Will we land on the moon?" Logan explained to Drake all about how airplanes flew, how the clouds prevented us from seeing the ground when we flew above them, why the plane didn't disappear in the clouds Drake was so excited with this new adventure, his face so animated, I felt sure we were going to be able to make him happy in his new family. Logan was going to make a wonderful father. Already he had accepted Drake as his own.

  Soon both Logan and Drake fell asleep, Drake's sweet dark head resting on Logan's lap. How peaceful they seemed. I wished I could feel so peaceful, but my mind was abuzz with anxiety. I wanted to know why Tony had given the circus to Luke, why Luke had that clipping of my wedding from the newspaper in his drawer. I wanted to start my new life with Drake and Logan and our new baby clear from the sticky webs of the past, and I was determined to force Tony to clear away every one of them.

  Tony was not at Farthy when we arrived. Curtis said he had been called away on business and wouldn't be back until late the following afternoon.

  There were all sorts of phone messages waiting for Logan, and he went right to work calling people after we got settled-in.

  Drake and I took a brief tour of the house. He was enchanted by the murals in the drawing room, and even more impressed by the size of the house. "Is this a castle, Heaven?" he asked. "Am I going to be a prince now?" His eyes were wide with wonder.

  "Yes, darling," I said, hugging him close to me. "You will be the prince of the castle and have everything your heart desires."

  I had the room right next to our suite prepared for him and Logan brought him some of the sample toys that were in the house. Drake was exhausted from the day and the travel, and he fell asleep right after he had some dinner.

  After I tucked him into his bed, I stood and stared down at him. He was so sweet, so beautiful and innocent. I promised myself to be a real mother to him, never to make him feel foreign or unwanted. Yes, I could try to undo the past. I could prove with my love that anger and bitterness and resentment could be put to rest once and for all. I would love him enough to undo all the pain and misery I had suffered by hating Luke.

  Fanny was right--we were all orphans of a sort, but I would make us a family. The baby growing in me would be as much a brother or sister to him as any baby Stacie would have had. And I would love Drake in a way Luke had never been able to love me.

  I tucked the blanket under his chin, knelt down and kissed his soft cheek, and left him Logan was just hanging up the phone in the bedroom when I arrived.

  "Heaven," he said, his face a picture of frustration, "I hate to do this to you so quickly, but I've got to get back to Winnerow tomorrow. The roofers walked off the job over a dispute with my foreman Everything's at a standstill there. As soon as I settle it--"

  "Don't worry, Logan. You go in the morning. I'll be busy getting to know Drake and letting him get to know me and Farthy. And I want to be here when Tony gets back. We have some things to discuss," I said. Logan heard the determined tone running under my words.

  "I'm sure that he has good explanations and that everything he did and has done he did for good reasons, Heaven. Tony cares for you. He wouldn't do anything to upset you, especially now that you're pregnant."

  "I hope not," I said, but of course, there was much Logan didn't know about my past at

  Farthinggale. His optimism was understandable.

  Logan slept the sleep of the innocent that night, while I tossed and turned, turned and tossed, my mind assailed by secrets and shadows. I lay there wondering and thinking. How odd life was. How like my own life Drake's would become. And how like mine would my own child's be, a child who might never know who his or her real father was? My mind churned on, trying to unravel the cat's cradle that was my life. So many of the knots were centered around Tony--Tony, who had raped my mother, who had caused Jillian to go mad, who had made my love with Troy

  impossible, and now, it appeared, had tried to run Luke's life as he tried to run mine. Why? As far as I knew, the only time Luke had any contact with Tony was when he called him to tell him he had bought me plane tickets to go to Boston to see him and Jillian and learn about my mother. Tony rarely mentioned Luke after that. Why would he? They came from worlds so far apart they might as well have been on different planets. -

  Yet the telegram announcing Luke and Stacie's death came to Tony, and it was Tony who had made all these arrangements. Why did Tony buy Luke the circus and never tell me he had done so?

  It was no use; I would never sleep tonight, I thought. I looked over at Logan. He was dead to the world, tired himself from the travel and the ordeal. His breathing was deep and regular. I got out of bed and slipped into my robe and slippers, moving quietly into the dimly lit corridor. First I checked on Drake and found him in a deep sleep. I fixed his blanket, which he had pushed away during some tossing and turning, and then I left him. But instead of returning to my bedroom, I went downstairs.

  How quiet the house was. How still were the shadows in the corners. My own shadow, ten times my size, followed me along the walls like a dark hovering angel as I descended the stairs and paused to reconsider what I was about to do. I had never had the interest or the curiosity before, but tonight . . . tonight I needed answers.

  I went directly to Tony's office and turned on the light. The big desk was cluttered with papers. I knew how much Tony hated anyone to go through his things. He even hated the maids cleaning. The office always had a dusty, unkempt appearance, but Tony valued his privacy and his own system of recording and finding things so much, he hated any interference.

  My gaze fell on the file cabinets. I was glad that he kept things alphabetized. At first I searched and found nothing. I was looking under the C's for Casteel. Confused and frustrated, I stood there thinking Then I pulled out the files under the H's, looking for one labeled HEAVEN. My heart sent an electric shock through my veins instead of blood when I found it.

  I sat down at his desk and looked through it. At first all I found were papers concerning my schooling. But then I found a simple document, a document that made me colder than the most icy wind shaking through the cracks in the cabin floor and walls in the Willies.

  It was a letter of agreement between Anthony Townsend Tatterton and Luke Casteel, turning the Windenbarron circus over to Luke for the simple consideration of one dollar plus the following stipulation:

  ". . that he never again make contact in any way, form, or manner with Heaven Leigh Casteel." The agreement being that he would forfeit his ownership of the circus, should he do so.

  I sat back, too stunned to rage or cry or scream. Too stunned to know how to react. I understood only one thing.

  Once again Luke had sold me

  THIRTEEN The Sins of My Father

  SOON AFTER DAWN'S FIRST LIGHT I WAS AWAKENED BY THE pitter-pat of small feet. I opened my eyes and spotted Drake in the doorway, tousle-haired from sleep, shyly star
ing at me. I had left the door open so I could hear him should he awaken during the night and cry out for his mother or father. I smiled and sat up. Logan woke up

  immediately, too.

  "Good morning, Drake," I said. "Hungry for breakfast?"

  He continued to stare at me, his eyes blinking rapidly.

  "Morning, Drake," Logan said, getting out of bed quickly. "I'm hungry. I know that."

  "I wanna go home," Drake said. He didn't whine; he just made a demand.

  I got out of bed and went to him, kneeling down before him and taking his hands into mine He stood there firmly, his beautiful bright brown eyes intense, his lips pursed.

  "You are home now, Drake. Wherever Logan and I are will be your home from now on. Don't you remember yesterday and all the things we said and saw?"

  He nodded slowly. I brought him to me, embracing him and kissing him on the cheek.

  "Okay, then," I said in my most cheerful voice. "We'll all get washed and dressed and have some breakfast, and then you and I will explore Farthy. That's what we call this house and the grounds, Farthy, short for Farthinggale Manor. You'll see a pool and a gazebo and gardens and tennis courts."

  "Can I go swimming?" Drake's eyes lit up.

  "Of course, darling, but it's too cold now. But we can explore the maze, although you won't be able to ever go in it all by yourself, because you could get lost forever and ever. After we take our walk, you can come back up here and play with some of the toys Logan found for you last night. Then, after lunch, we'll have Miles drive us into Boston in the limo, and I will take you shopping and buy you all sorts of clothes. How does all that sound?"

  He looked from me toward Logan, who was already shaving.

  "You should start with a nice warm bath," I said, standing and taking his hand to lead him to the bathroom in his room.

  "I don't wanna "

  "Sure you do," I said, looking around quickly. I saw the replica of the Queen Mary on a chair by his light walnut dresser, and I remembered that it could actually float. "You'll take your toy ship in the water with you and you'll see that the little lifeboats float."

  That caught his interest and from then on it was easy. He even let me wash his hair. Afterward, I dried him down and dressed him in one of his outfits. I put a sweater on him because the early days of fall were here and the wind was already reminding us that winter was not that far behind.

  He played quietly in his room until I got washed and dressed, and then we joined Logan for breakfast. He was reading through The Wall Street Journal, just as Tony always did at breakfast. I looked at his studious frown, tempted to tell him the truth I had learned last night, and all the other truths I had kept from him for so long. Suddenly he looked up at me. "A penny for your thoughts, honey." He smiled.

  Oh, did my thoughts show so easily on my face? I covered my shame with a smile.

  "You owe me a penny," Logan continued before I had a chance to say a word. "I know what you're thinking." My heart skipped a beat. He laid down his paper and gave me a big grin. "The baby, you're thinking about the new baby, aren't you?"

  I could only smile back at him. "I'm thinking about all my new children, especially this special young man," I said, tousling Drake's hair.

  The servants made an extra effort to make Drake feel at home. Rye Whiskey even created a fruit plate that looked like an elephant and brought it out himself. It brought the first real smile to Drake's face. I saw that he had inherited Luke's smile, a smile that began around his eyes and rippled through his cheeks, bringing the corners of his mouth out gently.

  Logan had to rush out right after breakfast to make his plane. He kissed me good-bye and then kissed Drake, who looked up with such surprise, I had to wonder if Luke had ever kissed him hello or goodbye. Perhaps Luke had brought with him that resistance to any show of emotion most men from the Willies had. Sentiment was a woman's way.

  After breakfast Drake and I went for that walking tour of Farthinggaie Manor I had promised him. The trees on the grounds and in the surrounding woods were beginning to wear their bright autumn colors. It was as if God had come along with a great paintbrush and stroked in ribbons of yellow and orange, red and salmon. Because the trees were still full, the sight was breathtaking. The morning air, although a bit cool, was invigorating. Nature filled us with such a strong feeling for life just before she retreated into hibernation before the winter when days could be cold and dark and gloomy, making us long for the first rays of the spring sun. I remembered how welcome were the sounds of the spring waters in the Willies freeing themselves from the grip of ice.

  The gardeners were working on the grounds and some men were winterizing the pool. I could see that little Drake was fascinated with all the activity. His eyes went everywhere, hungrily gobbling up the sight of men trimming trees and bushes, men painting the sides of the pool and repairing cracks in the patios.

  When we reached one of the entrances to the maze, I explained what it was to him and why it was dangerous for him to go in himself.

  "After you go in and make a turn here and then make a turn there, you can forget how to get back because all the turns and all the paths look the same."

  "Why did someone make that?" he asked, his eyes narrowing. He was a thoughtful boy, a curious boy. After having taught for a year, I could recognize that love for learning in a young child's eyes. I knew that once he became more comfortable around me and in these surroundings, he would ask many questions. I wondered if Luke and Stacie had been patient with him and had fed his appetite for knowledge. I made up my mind we would get hi- I a good tutor and give him preschool instruction.

  "It's supposed to be fun," I said. "A puzzle, but only a puzzle for older people, you understand?"

  He nodded.

  "Promise me you'll never go in by yourself."

  "I promise," he said and I hugged him to me. He looked into my eyes, a warmth appearing for the first time.

  "Is my daddy looking down now and smiling?" he asked.

  "Oh, I think so, Drake. I really do." I stood up. "Come on, we'll go see what the men are doing to the pool," I said and led him away from the maze.

  Right after lunch I had Miles bring up the limo and take us into Boston for the shopping spree. I reminded myself of the time Tony took me into Boston to buy my wardrobe for the Winterhaven School. He said, "I despise the way girls dress today, ruining the best part of their lives with shoddy, common clothes. . . . You will dress as the girls dressed when I went to Yale." Then he took me to the small shops where clothes and shoes cost small fortunes. Not once did he ask the prices of sweaters, skirts, dresses, coats, boots . . . anything. Only Tony had been wrong about the clothes. Not one girl at Winterhaven wore a skirt. They dressed like any other teenager: blue jeans and sloppy tops, too-large shirts or ill-fitting sweaters.

  I was determined not to make the same mistake with Drake. I would buy him nice things, but not stuffy clothes that would single him out and isolate him from other children his age. I wasn't about to make him over into something he was not, something Tony had attempted to do with me. I looked to see what Drake liked, what caught his fancy, too. I bought him some dress clothes, but a lot of clothes to play in--jeans, flannel shirts, sneakers.

  Miles followed along in the limo and took the packages from my hands as I emerged from store after store. Finally both Drake and I were exhausted from our shopping. We got into the limo and headed back to Farthy. The servants helped bring our packages up to Drake's room, but I dismissed the maids and put things away myself. I wanted Drake to feel my strong bond with him and everything that involved him. He sat on the rug playing with his cars and trucks as I organized his wardrobe. Every once in a while I caught him looking up and staring at me.

  I could see he wasn't quite sure yet how to take me, or what to consider me. Was I a stepmother, a half sister, a nanny? He had grown more comfortable with me, but he was still holding back, rationing his words, his laughter, even his tears. I knew it would take time and it was sim
ply a matter of trust, and I, as well as anyone, knew what it was like to start over with a new family and a new home.

  He talked a let- more at dinner, telling me about the times he had gone with Luke to the circus, telling me about the animals and the acrobats. "Heaven, there was this woman who knew how to hang by her hair and spin around and around, and sometimes Daddy let me feed the elephants. My favorite, my always favorite was when Daddy let me wear my own clown suit and special clown nose and hair and I got to ride on the top hump of the camel. His name was Ishtar, isn't that a funny name, Heaven?"

  He wondered when he would be able to go back to the circus, and I told him that someday soon, I would take him to a circus, maybe even a bigger circus. Talking about the circus reminded him of Luke, though, and of Stacie, and very soon he became melancholy. Rye Whiskey rescued the moment once again when he appeared with a three-layer chocolate cake with a clown face made out of strawberries on top.

  "Wow, what's that!" Drake asked, excitement enlivening his features.

  "This cake is called a Drake cake." Rye Whiskey smiled. "Tell me if you like it." With that he set the cake before Drake. "Can I have the piece with the nose?" Drake asked.

  "Of course, young man," Rye Whiskey said, pretending to steal Drake's nose, putting his thumb between his fingers as he chuckled. "Since I've got yours, you can have the cake's."

  Shortly afterward I took Drake up to his room and washed and dressed him for bed. He had had another big day. I let him play a while longer, until he grew groggy. Then I tucked him in under his soft blanket, kissed him on the cheek, and left him to sleep his second night at Farthy.

  I went down to the living room, planning to lie in wait for Tony and confront him the moment he returned. The world outside the Farthinggale world seemed to anticipate my anger and accusations. The sky was dismally dark and overcast, with flashes of furious lightning flaming through the sky. No stars dared show themselves on this night. Then the rains came, heavy and hard, sounding cold, like tears of ice.