Fallen Hearts

Oh, oh, oh. Tom. My Tom had known the truth.

  And he had told Fanny. Oh, he must have been so upset! My strong steadfast supporter Tom now had lost me Drake. Tom, who would never do anything to hurt me. Tom, who was the only one to help me believe in myself. How hurt he must have been. That explained why he had given up on his dreams, why he had followed Pa's way, never believing himself smart or talented enough to go to college and work toward his dream of being President of the United States. Oh, how we had helped each other with our impossible ideals. How we had hurt each other! Oh Tom, Tom, why does life have to be so cruel?

  "Can such a letter be used as evidence?" Logan asked Camden.

  "I'm afraid it can be," he replied. Then he turned to me. "And you know now that Anthony Tatterton will corroborate what's stated in the letter," he warned.

  "But . . ." Logan stammered, "but surely after all that was brought out today, the judge . ."

  "Fanny Wilcox is a blood relation. The boy's her half-brother, and we assumed he was Mrs. Stonewall's half-brother. We made important points, but only if Mrs. Stonewall and Mrs. Wilcox are on an equal footing, if you know what I mean. Her past aside, Mr. Stonewall, why should the court award the custody of the boy to Mrs. Stonewall, who is not a blood relation, instead of awarding him to Mrs. Wilcox, Who is? She's not a criminal. In fact, she's never been arrested for anything."

  "But Randall Wilcox said--" Logan muttered. "None of that is important any longer."

  Mr. Lakewood leaned forward and lowered his voice as though he were about to tell us confidential information.

  "Burton already let me in on what his line of attack's going to be after he establishes Luke Casteel was not Mrs. Stonewall's real father. In his words we have a situation in which someone with a great deal of money is trying to use her power to deny Fanny Wilcox her familial rights.

  "I have to tell you, it doesn't look good, and on that basis Mr. Stein has asked me, as a professional courtesy, to do everything I can to prevent Mr. Tatterton's being subpoenaed. My advice at this point is for you to simply drop the motion."

  "Like hell we will!" Logan shouted. "If Tony is crazy enough to permit himself to be questioned by that sleazy lawyer in front of everyone here and make such a confession--"

  "The point is he will, Mr. Stonewall." Camden Lakewood remained coolly realistic. "The point is that Anthony Tatterton has volunteered to testify. Obviously, his lawyers are urging him not to."

  "I still can't see why any judge . . ."

  I could not have Tony testify. All of it would only hurt Drake in the end. "Logan," I said numbly. "Well, I can't, and we were willing--"

  "Logan!" I stood up. He stared at me a moment and then looked away. "Thank you for what you have done up until now, Mr. Lakewood," I said firmly, my intentions clear.

  "I'm sorry, Mrs. Stonewall. If I had known all the facts before we started . . ."

  "I understand. Please, excuse me," I added and ran from the room. I rushed up the stairs and when I entered my bedroom, I stopped and took deep breaths.

  It wasn't that Fanny was beating me or that the echo of Logan's infidelity lingered on and on, or even that Tony was willing to reveal his sexual

  involvement with my mother that tore away the walls of my heart. It was that I was losing Drake, and through that loss I was losing Luke again.

  Suddenly all those times when in my secret and put-away heart I wanted Luke to let me touch his cheek or wrap my arms around him or have him touch my hair lovingly returned. I remembered how it was when I would see him looking lonely and lost, staring off into space, looking as if life had cheated him. There was always such a deep need in me to love him and be loved by him. All the time we lived in the Willies, that aching need was there, waiting to ignite and burst into a bonfire of love and affection, if only he would have acted as if he saw me or encouraged me to believe he did love me, even a little.

  But he never did and fate cheated me of any hope of it ever happening when that drunk driver smashed him and Stacie into oblivion. I had hoped that through Drake I would find him and find the love I had lost. I had planned on a lifetime of giving Drake love and receiving his love. I had even dreamt of him growing into a strong young man, the spitting image of Luke, and as such a handsome young man, looking at me with love and affection.

  It wasn't so accidental or ironic that Tony, through his terrible admission, could deny me Luke's love a second time. Who knew what was going on in his broken and twisted mind since I had fled Farthy and refused ever to see him alone again at the party. In a strange and horribly distorted way he probably was now envious of my loving Drake or Drake loving me.

  I felt overwhelmed, defeated, drenched in a downpour of envy and hate, caught in the winds of a twisted hurricane of emotions. There was Fanny on one side and Tony on another, both pulling and pushing, jabbing me with pins and needles. Two people who should have loved me and I should have loved were making me more miserable than I was when I lived in the Willies.

  Right now I almost wished I were back there living in that poverty, but at least having people around me who loved me. I wished Tom and I were off somewhere in the Willies talking about our dreams, believing we were of the same blood, brother and sister forever.

  I sat on my bed, too tired and too defeated to cry. A few moments later Logan appeared in the doorway. Neither of us spoke for a while.

  "I should have flown to Farthy that very night and wrung Tony Tatterton's neck," Logan began. "I should have believed you when you warned me about it, I should have put an end to his controlling our lives. What kind of husband am I, Heaven, to have failed you so?"

  "You're a good husband. The only husband I want," I consoled him. "Now, please don't talk any more about revenge and hating. I can't bear it anymore." A plan was brewing in the back of my mind, a plan I would have to put into practice all by myself. I was tired of hating people, tired even of hating Fanny. "I'm going to go talk to Fanny," I said.

  "You're not going to go beg her. I couldn't stand the thought of that. Let me go, if that is what you want. I should take some of the responsibility."

  "No, that's not what Fanny wants. She would see you coming up there like one of my servants to do my bidding." He saw I was right about that.

  "But what will you say to her? What will you do?"

  "I'm not sure," I responded, even though what I was going to do was taking shape in my mind I just didn't want to reveal it at this moment. Logan seemed to understand that. He nodded.

  "Whatever you do, support you."

  "Thank you, Logan?' We stared at each other for a long moment and then he rushed to kneel at my feet, burying his head in my lap, and began to sob. I stroked his hair lovingly.

  "Oh, Heaven, Heaven, how I'm paying for not being stronger, for being blinded by Tony. I'm so sorry and I love you so much. Please forgive me."

  "I have nothing to forgive you for, Logan. Please," I whispered, lifting his head so that we looked into each other's eyes. "I was as dazzled by all he offered as you were. I'm not perfect, either."

  "Oh, yes, you are. You are perfect. It's no accident your name is Heaven. You are a piece of heaven on earth and I bless the day we knew we loved each other."

  I kissed him softly and we held each other tightly. Then I rose from the bed and took off my robe. Logan watched me dress and fix my hair and my makeup. I wasn't going to look defeated when I faced Fanny.

  "I'm going now, Logan," I said when I was ready.

  "Shouldn't I go with you?"

  "No. This is something between Fanny and myself. It's more than just Drake and you."

  "But I feel so helpless here," he pleaded. "Maybe I'll just ride along and wait outside in the car?'

  "It's not necessary and I wouldn't want her to look out her window and see you."

  "Heaven," he called as I started out. I turned in the hallway. "I love you!" he cried.

  "I love you, too," I mouthed and went down the stairs and out of the house, closing the door softly behind me. I looked up
toward the Willies. The sky had cleared and the stars were sharp and bright like tiny jewels pressed against the velvet night.

  Appleberry, who was shoveling one of our walkways, paused as I started for the car.

  "Going somewhere, are you, Mrs. Stonewall?" "Yes, Appleberry."

  "Well, it's a cold night, but the air's as fresh and clean as a new blade of grass. Makes your skin tingle in a nice way, though."

  "Yes, it does." I smiled.

  I paused at the car just after I opened the door and looked up at the Willies again. The hills and the mountains loomed quietly before me, waiting triumphantly, just as I always knew in my heart that they would.

  Fanny's house was so dark I was afraid she wasn't at home. It looked to me that there were lights on only in the living room. For once she had her dogs penned up. They barked madly when I drove up and got out of the car. Then I saw another lamp go on in the living room. My heart was pounding like a tiny metal hammer beneath my breast. I took a deep breath and headed for the front door. She opened it before I arrived.

  "What'dya want, Heaven?" she asked standing in the doorway, her arms folded tightly under her breasts. She had her hair brushed down loosely around her face and she looked to me as if she had been crying. Her eyes were bloodshot, her mascara was smudged, and I saw what I knew to be tear streaks across her cheeks.

  "I want to talk to you, Fanny "

  "My lawya don't want me talkin' ta ya without him bein' present."

  "Fanny, I think you and I can talk to each other without lawyers. I didn't bring my lawyer. I didn't even bring Logan." I gestured behind me.

  She looked past me at y car, but she didn't move. "It's cold out here, Fanny."

  "Awright, then, you kin come in, but I ain't sayin' nothin' you kin use against me in court tomorra. You kin count on that."

  "We're not going to be in court tomorrow, Fanny. There's no point to it."

  She smiled widely and stepped back.

  "Oh, well, then, ya kin come in, Heaven Leigh."

  "Where's Drake?" I asked after I entered.

  "He's in his room. He has his own room here, too, ya know." Her eyes flashed as if pride flowed through her body like electricity to light them. Even though there was no blood relationship between us, I still felt that was one way in which we were very alike.

  "Is he all right?"

  "Jig tired," she replied, but I thought she was lying.

  "Is Randall here?" I asked, looking about and wondering why she was keeping the house so dark.

  "Oh, so that's it. Ya come to ask him to help ya some more, didja?" She nodded quickly, thinking she had discovered my reason for the visit.

  "No, Fanny, I didn't."

  "Well, it don't matter. He ain't here. He's gone." "Gone?"

  "Ta think things ova. I told him ta make up his mind if he loves me or not and not ta come back here if he don't."

  "I see." I realized that she must have just had this fight with him and maybe little Drake had witnessed the turmoil.

  "But do 1dt go thinkin' tht might help ya with the judge. My lawya says whether I'm married or not don't matter anymore, since ya ain't really Drake's sista."

  "He's probably right about that, Fanny "

  She looked at me with surprise at my reasonable tone of voice. But that only confused her and she tightened up in expectation.

  "What'cha want now, Heaven? Ya got somethin' on ya mind or ya wouldn't a come up here. So spit it out."

  "Can't we sit down?"

  "Go on, sit down if ya want. I'm standin'." She pulled her shoulders back in emphasis.

  I walked into the living room and sat in a chair by the corner table Fanny followed, keeping her arms folded and eyeing me like a nervous squirrel.

  "So, Fanny," I began, "you're going to win the custody of Drake, which means you'll have two children to care for."

  "So what?" Her black eyes flashed again. "Ya don't think I kin care for them properly?"

  "I didn't say that, but if Randall does leave you, it will make things hard. What about your financial situation? It can't be too good."

  "My lawya says ya still got to send me money to support the baby that's comin'. He says no matter what fancy lawya ya hire, ya can't get outta it."

  "Maybe. Still, we're not talking about a whole lot of money for you anyway, are we, Fanny?" She didn't reply; she simply glared at me, her black eyes narrowing.

  "What did ya come here to tell me, Heaven? It wasn't that. What is it?"

  "I came to make you an offer, Fanny "

  "What kinda offa?"

  "I'm going to offer you one million dollars if you will agree to give me custody of Drake."

  I could see that it took a moment for the meaning of what I was saying to register in Fanny's mind. She blinked and then edged herself toward the couch. Then she smiled, but I saw immediately that this was a different smile from any other of Fanny's smiles. It was a calculating smile that sent a chill through me. She sat down, never taking her eyes off me for a moment.

  "Well, be. Fancy this. Ya come here ta buy Drake jist the way the reverend came ta buy me. Jist the way Cal and Kitty came ta buy you. Ya want me ta do jist what Pa did: sell a child. But yer really no betta than all them people who came ta buy us Casteels, and that was somethin' ya said ya hated. Ya hated Pa fer doin' it and made him feel guilty till the day he died, didn't ya? Didn't ya!" she shouted.

  I looked down. I couldn't keep the tears from streaming down my face.

  "So there's finally somethin' ya want so much ya'd even do somethin' ya thought was so terrible ya went ta get revenge fer it and caused Tom's death."

  "Fanny . ." My heart was beating so hard and so fast, I couldn't breathe.

  "Don't say nothin'," she said, turning away. And then suddenly she started to cry, to cry what I was sure were real tears. She spoke without looking at me. "Sure I want a million dollars so I kin live high and mighty like you do." She turned to me, her eyes full of anger and pain. "But don'cha think I want somethin' else you always had and somethin' ya have now? Don'cha think I want love?" She shook her head. "I'd neva had it like ya did, neva, Heaven. You were the one who had the nice boyfriend when we was jist kids."

  "But Fanny, you were so loose, no nice boy wanted to be with you," I protested.

  "I was jist tryin' ta get one ta love me and care 'bout me. I thought that was how I could get one ta do it. And then I went ta live with the reverend and I thought now I got someone who wants ta love me, so I didn't complain when he started ta come inta my room and touch me. I even thought he would love me becuz I was havin' his child, but all he wanted ta do was pay me off and get me outta his house.

  "Then I went ta Nashville, but it was always the same. Men didn't want ta love me, not like they love you, Heaven. My brothas and sistas never wanted nothin' to do with me. Ya didn't. Don't say ya did jist because ya came ta see me once and sent me some money. I even called Luke a couple times, but ya know what?" she said, her tears flowing freely now. "He only asked 'bout you. Yes, jist 'bout you. I was hopin' he'd a wanted me ta come live with him and his new wife, but he neva said nothin' like that.

  "So I married Ole Mallory, but he was too old ta love me like a man should love a woman. Afterward, there were a lotta men around all the time, but I neva had a steady beaux I liked until I found sweet Randall. Now he's somewhere thinkin"bout it jus"cause I lied to him. No one loves me like men love you.

  "Even Drake, even now, likes ya more than he likes me, no matter what things I tell him. I kin see it."

  She turned away again and we were both silent, except for the sound of our sobbing.

  "You can't force people to love you, Fanny," I said through my tears. "You try too hard; you demand it before they have a chance to give it. You've got to have more trust and let it happen naturally."

  She shook her head.

  "You have a child coming, just like I do," I said, swallowing the tightness out of my throat. "And no one's going to take this one away from you. You'll have a ch
ance to love your baby and your baby will love you. You'll learn from that, Fanny. You'll see that love develops slowly, and that the love that does develop slowly is a stronger love.

  "But keeping Drake and trying to force him to love you just so you'll have someone love you more than he loves me is not going to make you happy. You'll see. I'm sorry," I added almost under my breath. "I'm sorry for a lot of things. I'm sorry I didn't fight harder for Darcy; I'm sorry I left you in Nashville and ignored you so long, and I'm sorry for what it has all done to you and for what you have become."

  I stood up, but she didn't look at me.

  "Good-bye, Fanny," I cried and started for the front door.

  "Heaven."

  I turned slowly, wiping my tears away with a small handkerchief.

  "I'll take the million and you can have Drake," she said.

  Drake was sitting on his bed in Fanny's house, his little hands folded in his lap. He looked up when I came to the doorway, and I saw that although his face was filled with confusion, he was happy to see me. There was a warmth in his eyes that betrayed his inner feelings.

  "Hi, Drake. Can I take you home with me again?" I smiled through my tears. He didn't answer right away; he leaned over to see if Fanny was standing right behind me. "I know that you've gone through a confusing time here, but it's all over now. You'll come back to Hasbrouck House and your room and your toys. Logan's waiting for us," I added, when he didn't move. "And all the new friends you've made and Mr. Appleberry ."

  "Fanny said you hated my daddy," he said, his face tightening with hesitation.

  "I didn't hate him, Drake. I loved him, only I never thought he loved me. We had a very hard life when we were your age." I knelt down beside him and took his hands into mine. "Sometimes, it's not easy to love someone even though you want to very much."

  "Why?" He looked skeptical, but his curiosity beyond his years made me smile I thought about Luke and I thought about Troy and I thought about Tony, and how their love for me and my love for them had gotten twisted and lost.

  "Because they don't let you love them. They're afraid of it or they're afraid of their own feelings. I hope it will be easy for you to love, Drake. I know it's going to be easy for me to love you."