The Lady of the Barge and Others, Entire Collection

  Produced by David Widger.

  *THE LADY OF THE BARGE, Complete*

  _By_

  W. W. JACOBS

  1911

  CONTENTS

  THE LADY OF THE BARGE THE MONKEY'S PAW BILL'S PAPER CHASE THE WELL CUPBOARD LOVE IN THE LIBRARY CAPTAIN ROGERS A TIGER'S SKIN A MIXED PROPOSAL AN ADULTERATION ACT A GOLDEN VENTURE THREE AT TABLE

  Illustrations.

  "You villain!" she said, in a choking voice. "What's that?" cried the old woman. Mrs. Driver fell back before the emerging form of Mr. Bodfish. Burleigh, with a feeling of nausea, drew back toward the door. Gunn placed a hand, which lacked two fingers, on his breast. "Don't you think Major Brill is somewhat hasty in his conclusions?" He saw another tatterdemalion coming toward him. "You say you're a doctor?" The second officer leaned forward. "You get younger than ever, Mrs. Pullen."

  THE LADY OF THE BARGE

  The master of the barge Arabella sat in the stern of his craft with hisright arm leaning on the tiller. A desultory conversation with the mateof a schooner, who was hanging over the side of his craft a few yardsoff, had come to a conclusion owing to a difference of opinion on thesubject of religion. The skipper had argued so warmly that he almostfancied he must have inherited the tenets of the Seventh-day Baptistsfrom his mother while the mate had surprised himself by the warmth ofhis advocacy of a form of Wesleyanism which would have made the membersof that sect open their eyes with horror. He had, moreover, confirmedthe skipper in the error of his ways by calling him a bargee, the ranksof the Baptists receiving a defender if not a recruit from that hour.

  With the influence of the religious argument still upon him, theskipper, as the long summer's day gave place to night, fell to wonderingwhere his own mate, who was also his brother-in-law, had got to. Lightswhich had been struggling with the twilight now burnt bright and strong,and the skipper, moving from the shadow to where a band of light fellacross the deck, took out a worn silver watch and saw that it was teno'clock.

  Almost at the same moment a dark figure appeared on the jetty above andbegan to descend the ladder, and a strongly built young man oftwenty-two sprang nimbly to the deck.

  "Ten o'clock, Ted," said the skipper, slowly. "It'll be eleven in anhour's time," said the mate, calmly.

  "That'll do," said the skipper, in a somewhat loud voice, as he noticedthat his late adversary still occupied his favourite strained position,and a fortuitous expression of his mother's occurred to him: "Don't talkto me; I've been arguing with a son of Belial for the last half-hour."

  "Bargee," said the son of Belial, in a dispassionate voice.

  "Don't take no notice of him, Ted," said the skipper, pityingly.

  "He wasn't talking to me," said Ted. "But never mind about him; I wantto speak to you in private."

  "Fire away, my lad," said the other, in a patronizing voice.

  "Speak up," said the voice from the schooner, encouragingly. "I'mlistening."

  There was no reply from the bargee. The master led the way to the cabin,and lighting a lamp, which appealed to more senses than one, took a seaton a locker, and again requested the other to fire away.

  "Well, you see, it's this way," began the mate, with a preliminarywriggle: "there's a certain young woman--"

  "A certain young what?" shouted the master of the Arabella.

  "Woman," repeated the mate, snappishly; "you've heard of a woman afore,haven't you? Well, there's a certain young woman I'm walking out withI--"

  "Walking out?" gasped the skipper. "Why, I never 'eard o' such a thing."

  "You would ha' done if you'd been better looking, p'raps," retorted theother. "Well, I've offered this young woman to come for a trip with us."

  "Oh, you have, 'ave you!" said the skipper, sharply. "And what do youthink Louisa will say to it?"

  "That's your look out," said Louisa's brother, cheerfully. "I'll makeher up a bed for'ard, and we'll all be as happy as you please."

  He started suddenly. The mate of the schooner was indulging in a seriesof whistles of the most amatory description.

  "There she is," he said. "I told her to wait outside."

  He ran upon deck, and his perturbed brother-in-law, following at hisleisure, was just in time to see him descending the ladder with a youngwoman and a small handbag.

  "This is my brother-in-law, Cap'n Gibbs," said Ted, introducing the newarrival; "smartest man at a barge on the river."

  The girl extended a neatly gloved hand, shook the skipper's affably, andlooked wonderingly about her.

  "It's very close to the water, Ted," she said, dubiously.

  The skipper coughed. "We don't take passengers as a rule," he said,awkwardly; "we 'ain't got much convenience for them."

  "Never mind," said the girl, kindly; "I sha'nt expect too much."

  She turned away, and following the mate down to the cabin, went intoecstasies over the space-saving contrivances she found there. Thedrawers fitted in the skipper's bunk were a source of particularinterest, and the owner watched with strong disapprobation through theskylight her efforts to make him an apple-pie bed with the limited meansat her disposal. He went down below at once as a wet blanket.

  "I was just shaking your bed up a bit," said Miss Harris, reddening.

  "I see you was," said the skipper, briefly.

  He tried to pluck up courage to tell her that he couldn't take her, butonly succeeded in giving vent to an inhospitable cough.

  "I'll get the supper," said the mate, suddenly; "you sit down, old man,and talk to Lucy."

  In honour of the visitor he spread a small cloth, and then proceeded toproduce cold beef, pickles, and accessories in a manner which remindedMiss Harris of white rabbits from a conjurer's hat. Captain Gibbs,accepting the inevitable, ate his supper in silence and left them totheir glances.

  "We must make you up a bed, for'ard, Lucy," said the mate, when they hadfinished.

  Miss Harris started. "Where's that?" she inquired.

  "Other end o' the boat," replied the mate, gathering up some beddingunder his arm. "You might bring a lantern, John."

  The skipper, who was feeling more sociable after a couple of glasses ofbeer, complied, and accompanied the couple to the tiny forecastle. Asmell compounded of bilge, tar, paint, and other healthy disinfectantsemerged as the scuttle was pushed back. The skipper dangled the lanterndown and almost smiled.

  "I can't sleep there," said the girl, with decision. "I shall die o'fright."

  "You'll get used to it," said Ted, encouragingly, as he helped her down;"it's quite dry and comfortable."

  He put his arm round her waist and squeezed her hand, and aided by thismoral support, Miss Harris not only consented to remain, but foundvarious advantages in the forecastle over the cabin, which had escapedthe notice of previous voyagers.

  "I'll leave you the lantern," said the mate, making it fast, "and weshall be on deck most o' the night. We get under way at two."

  He quitted the forecastle, followed by the skipper, after a polite butfutile attempt to give him precedence, and made his way to the cabin fortwo or three hours' sleep.

  "There'll be a row at the other end, Ted," said the skipper, nervously,as he got into his bunk. "Louisa's sure to blame me for letting you keepcompany with a gal like this. We was talking about you only the otherday, and she said if you was married five years from now, it 'ud bequite soon enough."

  "Let Loo mind her own business," said the mate, sharply; "she's notgoing to nag me. She's not my wife, thank goo
dness!"

  He turned over and fell fast asleep, waking up fresh and bright threehours later, to commence what he fondly thought would be the pleasantestvoyage of his life.

  The Arabella dropped slowly down with the tide, the wind being so lightthat she was becalmed by every tall warehouse on the way. Off Greenwich,however, the breeze freshened somewhat, and a little later Miss Harris,looking somewhat pale as to complexion and untidy as to hair, cameslowly on deck.

  "Where's the looking-glass?" she asked, as Ted hastened to greet her."How does my hair look?"

  "All wavy," said the infatuated young man; "all little curls andsquiggles. Come down in the cabin; there's a glass there."

  Miss Harris, with a light nod to the skipper as he sat at the tiller,followed the mate below, and giving vent to a little cry of indignationas she saw herself in the glass, waved the amorous Ted on deck, andstarted work on her disarranged hair.

  At breakfast-time a little friction was caused by what the mate bitterlytermed the narrow-minded, old-fashioned ways of the skipper. He hadarranged that the skipper should steer while he and Miss Harrisbreakfasted, but the coffee was no sooner on the table than the skippercalled him, and relinquishing the helm in his favour, went below to dothe honours. The mate protested.

  "It's not proper," said the skipper. "Me and 'er will 'ave our mealstogether, and then you must have yours. She's under my care."

  Miss Harris assented blithely, and talk and laughter greeted the ears ofthe indignant mate as he steered. He went down at last to cold coffeeand lukewarm herrings, returning to the deck after a hurried meal tofind the skipper narrating some of his choicest experiences to anaudience which hung on his lightest word.

  The disregard they showed for his feelings was maddening, and for thefirst time in his life he became a prey to jealousy in its worst form.It was quite clear to him that the girl had become desperately enamouredof the skipper, and he racked his brain in a wild effort to discover thereason.

  With an idea of reminding his brother-in-law of his position, he alludedtwo or three times in a casual fashion to his wife. The skipper hardlylistened to him, and patting Miss Harris's cheek in a fatherly manner,regaled her with an anecdote of the mate's boyhood which the latter hadspent a goodly portion of his life in denying. He denied it again,hotly, and Miss Harris, conquering for a time her laughter, reprimandedhim severely for contradicting.

  By the time dinner was ready he was in a state of sullen apathy, andwhen the meal was over and the couple came on deck again, so far forgothimself as to compliment Miss Harris upon her appetite.

  "I'm ashamed of you, Ted," said the skipper, with severity.

  "I'm glad you know what shame is," retorted the mate.

  "If you can't be'ave yourself, you'd better keep a bit for'ard till youget in a better temper," continued the skipper.

  "I'll be pleased to," said the smarting mate. "I wish the barge waslonger."

  "It couldn't be too long for me," said Miss Harris, tossing her head.

  "Be'aving like a schoolboy," murmured the skipper.

  "I know how to behave my-self," said the mate, as he disappeared below.His head suddenly appeared again over the companion. "If some peopledon't," he added, and disappeared again.

  He was pleased to notice as he ate his dinner that the giddy prattleabove had ceased, and with his back turned toward the couple when heappeared on deck again, he lounged slowly forward until the skippercalled him back again.

  "Wot was them words you said just now, Ted?" he inquired.

  The mate repeated them with gusto.

  "Very good," said the skipper, sharply; "very good."

  "Don't you ever speak to me again," said Miss Harris, with a statelyair, "because I won't answer you if you do."

  The mate displayed more of his schoolboy nature. "Wait till you'respoken to," he said, rudely. "This is your gratefulness, I suppose?"

  "Gratefulness?" said Miss Harris, with her chin in the air. "What for?"

  "For bringing you for a trip," replied the mate, sternly.

  "You bringing me for a trip!" said Miss Harris, scornfully. "CaptainGibbs is the master here, I suppose. He is giving me the trip. You'reonly the mate."

  "Just so," said the mate, with a grin at his brother-in-law, which madethat worthy shift uneasily. "I wonder what Loo will say when she seesyou with a lady aboard?"

  "She came to please you," said Captain Gibbs, with haste.

  "Ho! she did, did she?" jeered the mate. "Prove it; only don't look tome to back you, that's all."

  The other eyed him in consternation, and his manner changed.

  "Don't play the fool, Ted," he said, not unkindly; "you know what Loois."

  "Well, I'm reckoning on that," said the mate, deliberately. "I'm goingfor'ard; don't let me interrupt you two. So long."

  He went slowly forward, and lighting his pipe, sprawled carelessly onthe deck, and renounced the entire sex forthwith. At teatime the skipperattempted to reverse the procedure at the other meals; but as MissHarris steadfastly declined to sit at the same table as the mate, hisgood intentions came to naught.

  He made an appeal to what he termed the mate's better nature, after MissHarris had retired to the seclusion of her bed-chamber, but in vain.

  "She's nothing to do with me," declared the mate, majestically. "I washmy hands of her. She's a flirt. I'm like Louisa, I can't bear flirts."

  The skipper said no more, but his face was so worn that Miss Harris,when she came on deck in the early morning and found the barge glidinggently between the grassy banks of a river, attributed it to thedifficulty of navigating so large a craft on so small and winding astream.

  "We shall be alongside in 'arf an hour," said the skipper, eyeing her.

  Miss Harris expressed her gratification.

  "P'raps you wouldn't mind going down the fo'c'sle and staying there tillwe've made fast," said the other. "I'd take it as a favour. My ownersdon't like me to carry passengers."

  Miss Harris, who understood perfectly, said, "Certainly," and with acold stare at the mate, who was at no pains to conceal his amusement,went below at once, thoughtfully closing the scuttle after her.

  "There's no call to make mischief, Ted," said the skipper, somewhatanxiously, as they swept round the last bend and came into view ofCoalsham.

  The mate said nothing, but stood by to take in sail as they ran swiftlytoward the little quay. The pace slackened, and the Arabella, as thoughconscious of the contraband in her forecastle, crept slowly to where astout, middle-aged woman, who bore a strong likeness to the mate, stoodupon the quay.

  "There's poor Loo," said the mate, with a sigh.

  The skipper made no reply to this infernal insinuation. The barge ranalongside the quay and made fast.

  "I thought you'd be up," said Mrs. Gibbs to her husband. "Now come alongto breakfast; Ted'll follow on."

  Captain Gibbs, dived down below for his coat, and slipping ashore,thankfully prepared to move off with his wife.

  "Come on as soon as you can, Ted," said the latter. "Why, what on earthis he making that face for?"

  She turned in amazement as her brother, making a pretence of catchingher husband's eye, screwed his face up into a note of interrogation andgave a slight jerk with his thumb.

  "Come along," said Captain Gibbs, taking her arm with much affection.

  "But what's Ted looking like that for?" demanded his wife, as she easilyintercepted another choice facial expression of the mate's.

  "Oh, it's his fun," replied her husband, walking on.

  "Fun?" repeated Mrs. Gibbs, sharply. "What's the matter, Ted."

  "Nothing," replied the mate.

  "Touch o' toothache," said the skipper. "Come along, Loo; I can just dowith one o' your breakfasts."

  Mrs. Gibbs suffered herself to be led on, and had got at least fiveyards on the way home, when she turned and looked back. The mate hadstill got the toothache, and was at that moment in all the agonies of aphenomenal twinge.

  "There's something wron
g here," said Mrs. Gibbs as she retraced hersteps. "Ted, what are you making that face for?"

  "It's my own face," said the mate, evasively.

  Mrs. Gibbs conceded the point, and added bitterly that it couldn't behelped. All the same she wanted to know what he meant by it.

  "Ask John," said the vindictive mate.

  Mrs. Gibbs asked. Her husband said he didn't know, and added that Tedhad been like it before, but he had not told her for fear of frighteningher. Then he tried to induce her to go with him to the chemist's to getsomething for it.

  Mrs. Gibbs shook her head firmly, and boarding the barge, took a seat onthe hatch and proceeded to catechise her brother as to his symptoms. Hedenied that there was anything the matter with him, while his eyesopenly sought those of Captain Gibbs as though asking for instruction.

  "You come home, Ted," she said at length.

  "I can't," said the mate. "I can't leave the ship."

  "Why not?" demanded his sister.

  "Ask John," said the mate again.

  At this Mrs. Gibbs's temper, which had been rising, gave way altogether,and she stamped fiercely upon the deck. A stamp of the foot has been forall time a rough-and-ready means of signalling; the fore-scuttle wasdrawn back, and the face of a young and pretty girl appeared framed inthe opening. The mate raised his eyebrows with a helpless gesture, andas for the unfortunate skipper, any jury would have found him guiltywithout leaving the box. The wife of his bosom, with a flaming visage,turned and regarded him.

  "You villain!" she said, in a choking voice.]

  "You villain!" she said, in a choking voice.

  Captain Gibbs caught his breath and looked appealingly at the mate.

  "It's a little surprise for you, my dear," he faltered, "it's Ted'syoung lady."

  "Nothing of the kind," said the mate, sharply.

  "It's not? How dare you say such a thing?" demanded Miss Harris,stepping on to the deck.

  "Well, you brought her aboard, Ted, you know you did," pleaded theunhappy skipper.

  The mate did not deny it, but his face was so full of grief and surprisethat the other's heart sank within him.

  "All right," said the mate at last; "have it your own way."

  "Hold your tongue, Ted," shouted Mrs. Gibbs; "you're trying to shieldhim."

  "I tell you Ted brought her aboard, and they had a lover's quarrel,"said her unhappy spouse. "It's nothing to do with me at all."

  "And that's why you told me Ted had got the toothache, and tried to getme off to the chemist's, I s'pose," retorted his wife, with virulence."Do you think I'm a fool? How dare you ask a young woman on this barge?How dare you?"

  "I didn't ask her," said her husband.

  "I s'pose she came without being asked," sneered his wife, turning herregards to the passenger; "she looks the sort that might. Youbrazen-faced girl!"

  "Here, go easy, Loo," interrupted the mate, flushing as he saw thegirl's pale face.

  "Mind your own business," said his sister, violently.

  "It is my business," said the repentant mate. "I brought her aboard, andthen we quarrelled."

  "I've no doubt," said his sister, bitterly; "it's very pretty, but itwon't do."

  "I swear it's the truth," said the mate.

  "Why did John keep it so quiet and hide her for, then?" demanded hissister.

  "I came down for the trip," said Miss Harris; "that is all about it.There is nothing to make a fuss about. How much is it, Captain Gibbs?"

  She produced a little purse from her pocket, but before the embarrassedskipper could reply, his infuriated wife struck it out of her hand. Themate sprang instinctively forward, but too late, and the purse fell witha splash into the water. The girl gave a faint cry and clasped herhands.

  "How am I to get back?" she gasped.

  "I'll see to that, Lucy," said the mate. "I'm very sorry--I've been abrute."

  "You?" said the indignant girl. "I would sooner drown myself than bebeholden to you."

  "I'm very sorry," repeated the mate, humbly.

  "There's enough of this play-acting," interposed Mrs. Gibbs. "Get offthis barge."

  "You stay where you are," said the mate, authoritatively.

  "Send that girl off this barge," screamed Mrs. Gibbs to her husband.

  Captain Gibbs smiled in a silly fashion and scratched his head. "Whereis she to go?" he asked feebly.

  "Wh'at does it matter to you where she goes?" cried his wife, fiercely."Send her off."

  The girl eyed her haughtily, and repulsing the mate as he strove todetain her, stepped to the side. Then she paused as he suddenly threwoff his coat, and sitting down on the hatch, hastily removed his boots.The skipper, divining his intentions, seized him by the arm.

  "Don't be a fool, Ted," he gasped; "you'll get under the barge."

  The mate shook him off, and went in with a splash which half drowned hisadviser. Miss Harris, clasping her hands, ran to the side and gazedfearfully at the spot where he had disappeared, while his sister in aterrible voice seized the opportunity to point out to her husband theprobably fatal results of his ill-doing. There was an anxious interval,and then the mate's head appeared above the water, and after abreathing-space disappeared again. The skipper, watching uneasily, stoodby with a lifebelt.

  "Come out, Ted," screamed his sister as he came up for breath again.

  The mate disappeared once more, but coming up for the third time, hungon to the side of the barge to recover a bit. A clothed man in the watersavours of disaster and looks alarming. Miss Harris began to cry.

  "You'll be drowned," she whimpered.

  "Come out," said Mrs. Gibbs, in a raspy voice. She knelt on the deck andtwined her fingers in his hair. The mate addressed her in terms renderedbrotherly by pain.

  "Never mind about the purse," sobbed Miss Harris; "it doesn't matter."

  "Will you make it up if I come out, then," demanded the diver.

  "No; I'll never speak to you again as long as I live," said the girl,passionately.

  The mate disappeared again. This time he was out of sight longer thanusual, and when he came up merely tossed his arms weakly and went downagain. There was a scream from the women, and a mighty splash as theskipper went overboard with a life-belt. The mate's head, black andshining, showed for a moment; the skipper grabbed him by the hair andtowed him to the barge's side, and in the midst of a considerable hubbubboth men were drawn from the water.

  The skipper shook himself like a dog, but the mate lay on the deck inertin a puddle of water. Mrs. Gibbs frantically slapped his hands; and MissHarris, bending over him, rendered first aid by kissing him wildly.

  Captain Gibbs pushed her away. "He won't come round while you'rea-kissing of him," he cried, roughly.

  To his indignant surprise the drowned man opened one eye and winkedacquiescence. The skipper dropped his arms by his side and stared at himstupidly.

  "I saw his eyelid twitch," cried Mrs. Gibbs, joyfully.

  "He's all right," said her indignant husband; "'e ain't born to bedrowned, 'e ain't. I've spoilt a good suit of clothes for nothing."

  To his wife's amazement, he actually walked away from the insensibleman, and with a boathook reached for his hat, which was floating by.Mrs. Gibbs, still gazing in blank astonishment, caught a seraphic smileon the face of her brother as Miss Harris continued her ministrations,and in a pardonable fit of temper the overwrought woman gave him a boxon the ear, which brought him round at once.

  "Where am I?" he inquired, artlessly.

  Mrs. Gibbs told him. She also told him her opinion of him, and withoutplagiarizing her husband's words, came to the same conclusion as to hisultimate fate.

  "You come along home with me," she said, turning in a friendly fashionto the bewildered girl. "They deserve what they've got--both of 'em. Ionly hope that they'll both get such awful colds that they won't findtheir voices for a twelvemonth."

  She took the girl by the arm and helped her ashore. They turned theirheads once in the direction of the barge, and saw the j
ustly incensedskipper keeping the mate's explanations and apologies at bay with aboat-hook. Then they went in to breakfast.