What It Tastes Like To Be Sane

  Chapter VI

  Cowz! Four and a half of ‘em! That is what Bari and Arthur saw, standing upright and regal, in the center of a ring of giant antlers, for they had entered the forest of antlers which we had discussed briefly earlier. And all sorts of antlers were here to be found. Birch, oak, pine, and redwood were all present, as were many others. Now, before we discuss the exploits of our protagonists in this region, I feel it is important to discuss, at least briefly, the history of the area, and thusly give you an understanding of what it is that they stumbled into.

  I had mentioned before that there was a forest of antlers in a region of the United States called the Pacific Northwest. The area is called this because it borders on an ocean that was known as the Pacific in those days, and is the northwestern part of the country. Self-explanatory, yet I felt the need to explain. As far as antlered forests go, this was the last one remaining in the world, so far as I know. Maybe we’ll find one later and thusly prove that last sentence wrong. We’ll see. But I think this is the only one Bari goes in in this narrative. Maybe we’ll find another later and thusly prove that sentence wrong. We’ll see. Right now, he was roughly one hundred miles from the coast of the Pacific Ocean, in a state that was known as Oregon, which was the ninth largest out of the fifty that currently made up the country. In these days, forests were in abundance, and so finding one wasn’t so rare. Later on, many of them would be cut down in a process known as deforestation, to make space for roads, houses, shops, and such things. Now, if you’ve never seen a forest, what it is is a large group of trees. If you’ve never seen a tree, that’s unfortunate. They’re plants. You should know what they are. Some of them bear fruit, such as apples. When they gather en masse that space is called a forest, or woods, because trees contain wood in their bodily structure. These forests are generally pleasant things. Most of the time you can stroll in them and find yourself away from civilization, and pass away the hours with picnics in the shade or climbing the trees. Of course, that’s just my opinion. Many people I know don’t care for forests. They see them as dirty and repulsive, and often dangerous places. They prefer to tread on paths that are paved, and not natural, and are frightened by the prospect of encountering any sort of wildlife. Conversely, they tend to prefer cleaner, more hospitable institutions such as shopping malls, which are in essence forests comprised of mercantile establishments, and populated, while open, by consumers.

  Now, while all trees are indeed living beings, and are thusly prone to the travails which befall all those who live, and are to a degree sentient, it is only some trees that are given the gift of speech and the ability to interact with their surroundings. A forest where enough of the trees possess those special abilities can be known as an enchanted forest. I honestly don’t know what percentage is required to attain enchanted status, or if any additional privileges are bestowed upon forests with that classification, but the occasional, isolated talking tree will not do to gain that status. I mentioned earlier that while there exists a myriad of types of enchanted forests, there are only two basic genera, which may be summed by their characteristics and personalities, general disposition and demeanor, and such.

  Unfortunately there are many trees that possess rather negative attitudes. And while this is unfortunate, you can’t really blame them, especially since the percentage of people with these attitudes is much higher. You should also take into consideration that trees have not always received the best treatment from humans, while the trees have generally always helped out people and provided them with their resources, even sacrificing themselves so that their wood might be used for shelter and warmth, and even be ground up and used as stationery, which is indeed generally stationary, you should know. It is generally towards humans that these trees generally direct their malevolence, and even then it is not always, as they are generally decent judges of character, and can tell which people deserve to be taunted. Of course, there are those rotten apples, just as in every walk of life, which ruin the reputation of talking trees in the eyes of the world. Now, despite this, there still remain a very hefty percentage of trees that have weathered this abuse, and emerged all the stronger and with better character. These trees are generally not aggressive, and will only act violently to defend themselves in cases of emergency. Trees of like attitude tend to group together, much like the concept of “red” and “blue” states in the United States, where red means the people like one terrible political party while other people like another equally awful party. These red states tend to congregate in certain regions, and the blue ones do likewise. There are purple areas where the two mix, and these are known as swing states. Likewise, there are these areas found in enchanted forests, where benevolent and malevolent trees intermingle.

  Of course, it was into a forest of benevolent disposition that our protagonists wandered into. Somehow the idea was put into their collective mind that within this forest there would be present someone who could help them. Naturally, I’m sure there are plenty of helpful beings out there, but this area was conveniently located, and just seemed like the place where the natural course of their journey would take them. Whether or not there actually was someone that could be helpful here was yet to be found out, but the next paragraph shall reveal further truths.

  Arthur had known about this forest for much of his life, but his parents had forbidden him from travelling in it because they claimed that it was dangerous, and odds were that he would be eaten if he entered it. They were of that group we talked about that preferred shopping malls. Now that he actually got to experience it, this forest actually seemed like a pretty neat place. No, it wasn’t bad at all. In fact, he liked it much more than the places they had recommended he spend his time. And so they walked up to a path that clearly led into the forest, and began following it. It was three days before they came to the center of the forest, where they found the cowz!. Obviously, most of their time was spent walking, but every once in a while they would stop and eat some doughnuts or apples from the bushes in order to provide themselves with food, for they had brought none. In fact, as far as provisions go, they had really shortchanged themselves and not prepared at all. They had just left once they had gotten the idea. While they ate, they would often sit in the shade of the trees and with them hold discourse. The friendship they developed with the trees certainly proved to be fruitful, both for their stomachs and their minds, and when they were out of the forest and on the open plains, they would often wish that the local vegetation was as hospitable as that which was found here.

  Of course, walks through woods are often peaceful. For the most part this one was, and was mostly devoid of all life but that which was known as flora. Before they came to the center, to the antlers, to the cowz!, all they encountered as far as fauna goes was a single bear. A black bear it was. Far removed from any river wherein might be found any salmon. Normally, this wouldn’t be a problem. Only about fifteen per cent of the black bear’s diet is meat anyway. And vegetation was to be found aplenty here, of course. This was a species not especially known to be fickle when it comes to dietary habits, but, as with any generality, there are exceptions to be found. An omnivore this was not. Perhaps a pizzavore. No, the truth is sandwiched between those two specifics. An omnivore eats a large variety. A pizzavore eats only pizza. This was somewhere between. And while Bari and Arthur found this bear eating a slice of pizza, it was also known to eat Mexican food, and had recently ravaged a burrito field nearby. In fact, it was this act which had led it to flee to the forest. Those villagers growing the burritos would never find her here. She was sure that the trees would offer protection, both in the form of shade and in the guise of beings who would lie on her behalf. And so it was, when the villagers had scoured the region, and stumbled on the forest, they had inquired as to whether or not a bear had been in this vicinity in the past few days, and the trees had said no, and who would doubt the word of a tree. Truthful they were known to be, for honesty is generally the best policy, but there were lives at st
ake here, and no steak would be sufficient as a bribe when lives were at stake. So this bear was left alone to forage for pizza in peace.

  Oh, but peace was not extant for all present. Sure, they had a piece of pizza, but that only brought peace to their digestive systems. So it was with high hopes that they asked this bear for advice.

  “Oh bear”, said Arthur Crouton, “Might there be present within the confines of this forest any sort of conifer who might upon us confer advice as to the solution of our current predicament?”

  “Certainly”, replied the bear. “There are many beings alive within this forest, and any sentient being is able to give advice, if advice is what ye seek.”

  “Advice would be helpful”, piped Bari. “But what we seek more is to be given a mission of sorts. To be given a means, to achieve the end of me being freed from the coil of basketballosity, and for my friend Arthur to find a new start, away from the false fame he had once found.”

  “That”, said the bear, “I cannot give. For no missions have I. But if you reach the center of the forest, and I have no doubt that you will, for it is only a matter of a nonchalant walk, you will find some very wise ones who are much more likely than I to have within their minds some sort of mission.”

  The bear then shat confetti, for that is what it did. Taking a swig off a container of chocolate milk it possessed, it wished our protagonists the best, and saw them on their merry way, and returned to devouring the pizza it had picked from one of the trees.

  Now, many of the trees in this forest, at least in the outer regions, were but whippersnappers, and as such were not as gifted in the giving of advice that many trees of enchanted forests are renowned for. But the conversation was still pleasant, and a nice distraction from their meandering. For though they were not quite sages yet, these trees were surely on their way to achieving such a status, and at the very least, their conversation was entertaining. Somehow, the trees, though far removed from human doings, were very much aware of the latest happenings in the world of humans. They knew the exact standings in every sport, though at the time, it was hockey and basketball season. They generally liked hockey more. I commend them on their great taste. And while they did have some great conversations, and did acquire some advice, it was not until they reached the innermost regions of the forest, the oldest parts, that they began to really accumulate all sorts of wisdom from the trees, and even some apples to boot. Now they were rather confounded when they reached the very innermost region, the part furthest removed from those borderlands where the trees often saw humans walking upon the outskirts, and the trees began to intermingle with antlers. Gradually, as well, the antlers became more prevalent, and the very center was comprised of nothing but antlers. No sign of flora was there. Skimpy antlers these were not. They were not merely the appendages that grow out of the heads of deer and like animals. These were beings unto themselves. Not plants, but not animals. A category of their own you might say. This is a subject whom has not been covered in much detail in scientific circles, but is very much worth reading up on, for sure.

  Of course, I bet you don’t know much about this type of antler. The general tendency is to assume that they are merely horn like appendages which grow out of the heads of various particular animals. Now, many antlers are just that. But, in the old days, there were many antlers which fell from the heads of those animals which once sported them, and implanted themselves in the ground, and finding a home there, thrived and grew for the rest of their natural life, and when they died, they became food for those that inhabited those regions. These antlers are known as farcinnious, and are cousins to the antlers which grow on the heads of animals. Unfortunately, though they are alive, these antlers have no means of reproduction, and have thus become extinct in the days in which I live. Excessive harvesting lead to their demise, and while you might view this as some insane environmentalist metaphor, it is in fact a very sad truth. These beings which once graced the skylines of many a forest are now dead to the world, and shall never be seen again. For some reason, when animals now shed their antlers, they refuse to implant themselves in the soil of the earth. Perhaps they fear the same fate which befell their ancient counterparts.

  Oh, how the world has changed over the years. So many new species have we. And while they too are wonderful, it is very important not to forget those who inhabited this world in the days of yore. While evolution has granted us many wonderful creatures, still we must honour and mourn the fates of such species as cloud porpoises, farcinnious antlers, and cowz!. Cowz!, like farcinnious antlers, are extinct now. The exact cause is not known to us, for their flesh was not pleasant to the palette, and neither was the taste of their milk. They seem to have died out of their own accord, perhaps out of a lack of desire to continue living in the word that we inhabit. To you, though, I bet the name cowz! seems familiar. Perhaps you know of an animal called the cow. I bet you do. They produce a meat called beef, and a beverage called milk. The two species came from a similar ancestry, but due to evolution, eventually chose to trod different paths. The cowz! grew a fifth stomach within themselves, as well as a second head. In addition to these physical characteristics, there came the abilities of speech and flight, as well as the psychic ability which allowed them to see the future. It might have been this gift of foresight which led to the demise of the cowz!. Many of them, looking into the future, might have seen what befell the Earth, and despaired, and sought the same end that Bari had at the beginning of our narrative. In addition to this, the cowz! favourite food was antlers, and the antlers going extinct might have set a precedent for our dear cowz!.

  Fortunately for our protagonists, ice cream does make you happy, and in addition to this, the cowz! had not yet gone extinct. Thus, they were happy for the time being, though maybe a bit fatter, and able to get a bit of aid from the cowz! They were able to aid Bari and Arthur in their quest by giving them a quest, for that is what they needed, or wanted, at this moment. Though perhaps different on the surface, the goals of one who has been turned into an anthropomorphic basketball and desires to once again become human, and one who desires freedom from an old life are actually quite similar, and a similar mission is then able to solve both problems at once. Though similar, these tasks are nonetheless arduous, and an easy journey, such as this stroll through the woods they took, cannot be expected. And just as I’m telling you this, the four and a half cowz! that were present in the forest descried the very same facts to our protagonists. In doing this, a quest was laid upon Baritone Juicebox and Arthur Crouton, one which they would gladly embark upon, for it was upon this quest that they placed their hopes for the future. It would require of them that they leave the comfort of the forest, leave far behind the wonderful conversation of the trees, of the cowz!, and face the unknown. Perhaps there would be just as much wisdom to be acquired from the creatures they would encounter. Perhaps only conflagrations would be found. Perhaps though, this was the essence of a journey, and it was indeed a journey that they sought.