Not Quite Beowulf

  Roscow appeared to consider this and then looked, very pointedly at the ranks of guards that stood between himself and the King. He answered thoughtfully,

  ‘My master is here, at zhe great King’s invitation, to fight zhe enemies of Zhe Great King Lars, particularly a certain fearsome troll. Beovulf does not expect to be greeted by Zhe King’s bodyguards or Zhe King’s Captain! He expects to be greeted by Zhe King!’

  He paused to let this sink in, favouring the guards with a look of withering contempt, before continuing,

  ‘In person!’

  King Lars and Thwurp looked at one another. The King was afraid, but did not want to seem so. It was a reasonable request to be greeted by the King on entering his service. The King looked to each of his advisors in turn, but none were quick enough to give him advice as he needed it. Bjorn and the Queen appeared to enjoy his discomfort, Thwurp was clearly angry, but had no idea what to do and Steelstrom and Gnosser appeared lost in the military spectacle. Lars was completely on his own. He felt that too lose face here, in front of all his people, would be unforgivable. So, with a small flap of his hand, he descended from his podium. His troops parted to let him through and soon he was stood next to Roscow. Lars was himself a large man, but he was considerably overshadowed by Beowulf’s captain, who looked down on him in a quizzical and (Lars felt) condescending manner.

  ‘So you are Zhe King!’ observed Roscow, with only the tiniest trace of disappointment, ‘and now you are here to greet Beovulf. Zis is a great day. Hurrah for King Lars and Beovulf!’

  The crowd took up the shouting and the King waited nervously on the dock with the giant Roscow as the drum on the ship began to beat again. The ranks of Beowulf’s guard reformed to make a guard of honour for their leader to pass through. The crowd held its breath.

  And then it breathed out a great sigh. There was a huge sense of anti climax as a short, tidily-dressed, bald, middle-aged man with a thin moustache and small beard walked quietly onto the gangplank.

  ‘He looks like a bowling ball!’ Thwurp muttered inappropriately.

  ‘Lars!’ the small man shouted in a cheerful voice. ‘How are you? So good of you to turn out! And such a wonderful crowd!’

  He stopped to admire the crowd.

  ‘This is just fantastic! I am so pleased to be here. You can’t imagine!’

  The crowd had fallen completely silent. Could this be the great Beowulf? Roscow had looked a far more likely candidate. The crowd and the King were equally unsure. The small man approached the King.

  ‘Lars! It is Lars, isn’t it! I recognise you from your coins! Although you’ve obviously put on a few pounds. Now come over here and let’s get acquainted.’

  He beckoned furiously to the King, who being utterly unsure how to deal with such a rude, yet obviously friendly, approach was standing on the dock glaring at the small man. The small man suddenly stopped.

  ‘Forgive me! I’m so sorry! I was just a bit excited to finally meet you. I like to think of us as sort of family (which we sort of are!) and it made me completely forget my protocol!’

  He dropped to one knee.

  ‘Dear King, Oh mighty Lars. I, Beowulf, have come to serve you and deliver your kingdom from the monstrous incursions of the troll! I pledge my allegiance and all that other important and honourable stuff to you. I offer the support of myself and my men to help and serve you through the dark days that lie ahead! Might I kiss the Royal hand? I am so honoured!’

  Next Beowulf, if this curious creature was indeed Beowulf (and there was clearly considerable reason to doubt this), shuffled across the dockside on his knees and grabbed Lars’ hand. Some of the crossbowmen’s trigger fingers twitched. Then Beowulf kissed the King’s hand and jumped to his feet, grinning in a good natured way.

  ‘So pleased to see you. I feel welcome already. Shall we go on to the Beer Hall and discuss the troll problem?’

  Then he appeared to notice the crowd, which had grown uncomfortably silent.

  ‘Hang on!’ he whispered to Lars. Then he walked over to Roscow and whispered something to him. Roscow held up his hand for silence, which was now easily achieved. He bellowed,

  ‘Zhe great Beovulf, vill now address you. Zhanks for your listening.’

  Beowulf turned from the King and looked directly at the crowd.

  ‘Loyal citizens of King Lars’ land, I understand from your silence that you are surprised and that you have not seen what you expected. You thought that I, Beowulf, would be a warrior of great stature. Like your great King Lars, or my Captain, the valiant Roscow. I sense that you would like me to be a giant, hulking barbarian warrior, rippling with muscle and armed to the teeth. Is this not so?’

  The crowd nodded, but where impressed with the small man’s confidence.

  ‘Well, I would like that too!’

  Beowulf laughed briefly and the crowd realised this was a joke,

  ‘Then it would be much easier for me to impress the women!’

  The crowd liked this.

  ‘But I think this will not happen, that I should grow so large at my age,’ he continued, ‘ and so I have found other ways to fight my battles, solve my problems and much more importantly- impress the women!’

  ‘I have bought my army, and my captain to the service of your King, but I have bought that which is more important. I have bought my wits, my determination and my courage. With these, I can do great things. Do not be deceived by the outward show of things- I am very, very dangerous and soon your troll will be finding this out. Your King was wise to send for me and soon his problems will all be disappeared. So do not worry loyal subjects of Lars; The Biggest Beer Hall there has Ever Been will be saved. The troll will be slain and all will be as it should.’

  ‘Now you should cheer your King for his courage and wisdom in sending for me and we should all go about our business.’

  When he finished the crowd did indeed cheer Lars. Lars embraced Beowulf and led him through the ranks of guards to his courtiers. He smiled and nodded to Steelstrom, who he seemed to recognise; shook the hand of Bjorn and laughed about starting an account with his bank that Bjorn politely, yet rather stiffly, acknowledged. He complemented Gnosser on his writings, showing a familiarity that surprised Gnosser. He complemented Thwurp on his armour and defensive positioning, which surprised and worried Thwurp. When he reached the Queen he stopped.

  ‘Sort of Sister! How beautiful you have become! I am so glad to see you. And what a fine husband you have. You must be very happy!’

  ‘I am, now that you have come.’

  ‘Well, we must make the best of every opportunity. That is what I always say. Let us go to this magnificent beer hall!’

  ‘I will lead the way,’ said King Lars.

  ‘Excellent,’ replied Beowulf.

  The Royal party set off towards the Beer Hall and the crowd cheered again.

  Klug, who was part of the crowd, and a great deal more sober than he had been in the cellar, laughed out loud. He continued to laugh until he saw Roscow making his way towards him, with townspeople quickly making way for his huge frame. He waited until Roscow arrived. Then he was handed a note.

  ‘He says talk to zhe banker first, zhen zhe steel smith. Zhe plan will be enacted as he has explained’

  Klug nodded, but Roscow had not waited for a reply. Klug could see him making his way through the crowd and joining onto the back of the Royal party.

  Chapter Fifteen,

  In which something stirs, and much stirring takes place in the Beer Hall. Plans are laid and alliances formed. Beowulf and Steelstrom have an exchange across the chessboard. Bjorn and the Queen explore morality; at which, she is clearly better than he. Roscow and Thwurp discuss guarding and Beowulf and Lars have a conversation regarding Kingship.

  The Troll Hunt draws near.

  She was conscious. At least she was conscious of being conscious.

  ‘I still exist,’ she thought; but then all the rest was darkness.

  When he was at the Beer H
all, instead of his country estate, Steelstrom favoured the small, narrow ante room that was to be found on the first floor. He liked the room, as it overlooked the entry to the Beer Hall and this enabled him to keep track of who was coming and going. Over the past few months he had arranged to have some of his possessions moved into it. He liked to sit in his favourite chair, overlooking his favourite table on which he had always set out an ornate obsidian and gold chess set. It was here, the day after his arrival that Beowulf found him.

  ‘Chess!’ Beowulf observed cheerfully, ‘I love it. Don’t you? Fancy a game?’

  Beowulf dropped into the chair opposite Steelstrom, who eyed him thoughtfully.

  ‘No?’ questioned Beowulf, ‘well I’m sure there are other games or topics of conversation that we would both enjoy. No! Don’t speak! I can see you don’t want to, so just let me speak for both of us. I am sure we can reach a pleasant understanding.’

  As Steelstrom said nothing Beowulf continued,

  ‘We are both men of the world. We both would like to win. I am more than confident that the initial problem here can be easily overcome and it is clear to me that the inability of the person who should have resolved the problem to resolve this problem poses….not quite another problem, but certainly an opportunity?’

  ‘And we both agree with seizing opportunities I am sure. So, I think that you would not be adverse to activity that resolved both the main and the subsidiary problem in a creative and acceptable manner, as long as the right interests (and by this I mean your interests) are not in any way disadvantaged. I suspect that you would be even happier if these were positively enhanced. Did I mention I knew a Polish Count whose guard really need re-equipping? Remind me to give you his particulars in a few days.’

  ‘Now, there are ethical considerations to be considered, and I have considered them. I can see that it would be unseemly for one of your stature to be implicated in anything that does not support the status quo. After all, the arms trade is the backbone of the free world, as I’m sure we are very much aware. There are countries all over Europe that are grateful for your services and intervention. I have no desire to besmirch that fine commercial reputation and therefore am not in any way looking for an active partner. I believe there are two rather fine candidates for this, who could be described as “close to the source of the problem”. They will do well for the enactment of whatever plan should prove either expedient or necessary. All I really need are two things:

  ‘Firstly, after whatever happens occurs, I will need after a suitable period of heart searching; a period of pondering of irresolvable dilemmas, a grudging acceptance that what is, is. This would mean, that, sadly, whatever has happened, has happened; and that in the interests of all people, this must be accepted as irreversible. In the east they call this ‘the mandate of heaven.’ Your acquiescence to this new order would be valuable, valued and appropriately (after a certain time) compensated.’

  ‘Secondly I need knowledge of a way in. You are a master of security.’

  Beowulf looked intently at Steelstrom. Steelstrom pretended to study the chess board.

  ‘Should the inevitable not occur,’ ventured Beowulf, ‘I believe we just met here to play chess.’

  After a long pause Steelstrom looked down.

  ‘One of your principals holds a key.’ He said, slowly.

  ‘Thank you,’ said Beowulf, standing up, ‘you don’t really play, do you?’

  He smiled.

  ‘How do you know?’ asked Steelstrom.

  ‘There are two black bishops on black squares. That would never happen. I will enjoy working with you in the future.’

  Beowulf left the room. Steelstrom continued to look thoughtfully at the board.

  The Queen was in the counting house, again. She was talking to Bjorn.

  ‘We must be ready. I have had a note from Beowulf. When he has killed the troll he will help me.’

  ‘Can he kill the troll? None of the King’s men have achieved this. If he does kill the troll, what can he do to help you?’

  The Queen smiled.

  ‘I do believe he can kill the Troll. He has killed all kinds of things. It is his speciality. I’m sure you understand how he could help us.’

  ‘Do you mean what I think?’ Bjorn was quite flustered, although he was a very experienced banker he preferred to follow the law, where possible.

  ‘What do you think I mean?’ asked the Queen angrily, ‘I mean that Beowulf will use his speciality in such a way that I am relieved of an unwanted burden and we are free to make new plans. There is no other way that I could be free, is there?’

  Bjorn could think of no reply.

  ‘You don’t know what it is like to be a woman. We are bought and sold and used; like a commodity. I was the daughter of The Duke of Jutland and he used me to pay of the leader of the army of Lars, so I became Queen to his King so that he could have royal children.’

  Bjorn was philosophically offended by these remarks and replied.

  ‘But that is nature’s way! You are surely not advancing your legal relationships with your father and spouse as the justification for committing the most serious of crimes? It is not the fault of the legal system that we wish things to be other than they are. That is a spurious argument and I renounce it!’

  The Queen laughed,

  ‘You are a banker! So your justification, for doing what we propose to do is that you choose to ignore the law in order to gain advancement and power, but you still think those laws apply and would have them apply to others?’

  ‘Of course,’ agreed Bjorn, ‘otherwise everyone would do as we do, and where would we be then?’

  ‘Everyone does,’ replied the Queen, ‘or everyone could if they chose to. Lars does as he pleases and calls it law. My father does the same. You do it with your banks and money. You make up rules and call them law, but really these are just a masquerade to hide your will and desire. I am tired of following the laws and will make my own.’

  Bjorn thought about this. He did find it exciting. In fact the Queen was very exciting. He thought about possessing her, about sharing the Kingdom. Yet he was displeased that she was so dismissive of tradition and law. ‘Without these things’, he thought, ‘how will we keep and control what we take?’

  ‘Why would he help us…or you?’ he asked, petulantly, ‘What would be in it for him?’

  ‘I am his almost sister,’ the Queen smiled again, ‘and he hates my father. We will overthrow Lars and use his army and Kingdom against my father.’

  This really frightened Bjorn,

  ‘What? You will plunge us into war with the Steel Duke? What foolishness is this? I thought we would rule the kingdom in peace. This is not a sensible plan!’

  ‘But it is one that has been a long time developing.’

  Bjorn was further taken aback.

  ‘I thought, I thought,’ he began, but could not quite put his thought into words.

  ‘I thought that you wanted rid of Lars because of… me!’ The words surprised him as he delivered them, but they seemed to come as no shock to the Queen.

  ‘I know you did.’ She put a hand on his arm. He was tempted to brush it away, but he waited.

  ‘And in a way, it is. There is now you to consider.’

  She smiled again and edged closer.

  ‘I have been in touch with Beowulf since my marriage and since I came here. We have planned for a moment when Lars was weak, but since then I have met you. And you have changed my plan.’

  She took hold of him by his collar and kissed him in the way that he liked. For a few moments Bjorn forgot the plan, the risks, the things that needed to be done, the assurances necessary for the plan to work and things nearly went too far.

  ‘Wait!’ he shouted, ‘What if someone should come in? What if we are discovered? What if Beowulf fails?’

  The Queen smiled again and recomposed her clothing. She spoke softly, as if to a child.

  ‘They won’t. We won’t be. He won’t. We
will succeed. My will for power is strong. Our plan is sound. When the troll is destroyed, Lars will drink. When he is drunk, he will be destroyed. When he is gone I shall be free to marry and bestow my kingdom on who I want.’

  Almost hypnotised, Bjorn agreed.

  ‘It will be as you say. I will help you.’

  He got up to leave.

  ‘We will succeed. Think of me when we are apart.’

  ‘I will.’

  Bjorn left the counting house in a very thoughtful mood. The Queen continued to sit at the bankers table. She appeared to be lost in thought. Bjorn, pausing at the door, turned and saw this and was flattered that she was thinking of him. However in this and many other things he was deceived, for the Queen was not thinking of him at all.

  ‘This is a regular heavy club,’ said Thwurp, ‘we have plenty of these; but, on the whole, we prefer to use the reinforced extra heavy club. You find it knocks people back on their backs a lot faster.’

  He demonstrated, waving the reinforced extra heavy club at Roscow.

  ‘Zhat is great. I like a big clubbing! But zhis is all Steelstrom stuff? It all comes from zhe big man?’

  Thwurp laughed.

  ‘Vhat you laugh for? Steelstrom, he is zhe big man in zhe armaments vorld?’

  ‘It’s just that he is not very big!’ laughed Thwurp, ‘He’s not much bigger than the reinforced extra heavy club, is he?’

  They both laughed, Roscow a little cautiously.

  ‘But zhat is not all to think about,’ he insisted, ‘size is not everything.’

  This caused Thwurp to laugh again.

  ‘It is in guarding though. If I’m bigger than you then I’m going to knock you down and if not I’m not going to win.’

  ‘Zhen you’re not going to vin, are you?’ laughed Roscow, genuinely this time, ‘vor I am bigger than you by far!’

  For a moment Thwurp was both surprised and taken aback by this very obvious fact. Then they both laughed again.

  ‘Zho you see,’ continued Roscow, ‘it isn’t just your size and zhe size of your club. It is the size of your friends and all of zeir clubs. It is also zhe moment of surprise, the cunningness of zhe plan, who you know and vot you have got. All zhis decides who is knocked down and who is not.’