The Impossible Vastness of Us

  “If you—”

  “Get out,” he said as he strode toward the sink, giving me his back.

  “No.” I stubbornly took a step forward. “I’m not leaving until you hear what I have to say.”

  “Why?” He looked at me over his shoulder, dragging his gaze down my body in this insolent, horrible way. “You think you can help me?”

  Although I knew he was just lashing out in defensiveness it still hurt, and I could only stare at him a moment as I tried to remind myself why I wanted to do this.

  He gave a huff of bitter laughter. “Stay out of my life, India.” He turned to stare at the wall.

  And then it happened.

  For Finn Rochester I ripped myself wide open.

  “When I was eight Hayley left me and my dad. Just left. No explanation.”

  Finn went rigid, and I took that to mean he was listening.

  I took another step toward him, my mouth dry, my hands shaking right along with my knees. I would never have guessed how hard and scary it would be to tell someone my story. “My dad got really sad, and then really mad, and then really drunk. He lost his job. We lost our house. And he moved us into a trailer park on the edge of town. I went from a popular kid to a kid everyone called trailer trash.

  “But I could have lived with that. That would have been easy...because that was nothing compared to my drunk dad. Nothing compared to the fact that he grew to blame me, to hate me, for Hayley’s leaving us. And I mean hate, Finn. The deep, dark kind of hate.” Tears filled my eyes as I remembered the vicious look my dad got on his face when he stared at me too long.

  My words seemed to penetrate, and Finn turned slowly around. His eyes tore through me. He wore a haunted look I knew only too well.

  “The beatings weren’t great, but fists and feet, bruises and blood, I might have been able to deal with just that alone. But the hating me part was the rough part. And the locking me in the bathroom for days, the starving me as punishment for some transgression or other—that was the part that could have...” broken me eventually. I swiped at my tears, angry at how vulnerable the memories still made me feel.

  “I’d become almost invisible at school. No one seemed to notice me disappearing. Well...there was this one teacher when I was ten. She noticed a couple of bruises. But Dad sobered up long enough to charm her into thinking he was a good dad, that I was just that kid who was always playing where I shouldn’t.” And too afraid to speak up, I didn’t contradict him. I’d always wondered who else knew or suspected that my dad abused me and didn’t do a damn thing to save me. The thought hurt too much, however, and whenever it crept up I threw it aside as quickly as I could.

  “It wasn’t until I was twelve when things started to get really bad and then finally it stopped. I said something that made him lose it. I don’t know what happened. I woke up in the hospital and the nurse told me that my dad’s girlfriend, Carla, had called an ambulance because she thought I was dying. He almost killed me. And on top of the injuries I was malnourished.” I gave Finn and his horrified expression a sad little smile. “All very maudlin. The authorities tracked down Hayley, and over time she got custody of me. She moved me to California with her, and I’ve been with her ever since.”

  “Why?” he whispered, his voice hoarse. “Why are you telling me this?”

  I shrugged helplessly, feeling raw. “I’ve worked hard at not needing anybody. Not Hayley. Not anyone. But...it’s getting really shitty.” I laughed bitterly. “I don’t trust easily. In fact, not at all, really, and that’s kind of exhausting. I don’t know what’s going on between you and your dad but I know enough to suspect he’s been violent with you. I hate that for you. But I saw how you stood up to him and I felt... I don’t know.” I shrugged again. “Maybe it’s twisted, but I felt like finally there was this person that might get me. Someone maybe I could trust. And he could trust me, too.”

  Silence fell thick and fast upon my last word and I swear I thought my heart was going to break a rib, it was thudding so hard.

  And then he moved, taking slow, long strides toward me, and my breath got caught in my throat.

  He stopped close to me, his expression warring between stunned and something else—something that made my heart sink. “I... I’m sorry that all that happened to you, India. I am. Believe me. But I can’t...” He looked away, the muscle in his jaw flexing. “I can’t be that person for you and you can’t be that person for me. I don’t want to talk about this. Ever. I’m sorry.”

  I’d been wrong before.

  Finn’s earlier rejection was like a bee sting compared to this.

  I’d put myself out there for the first time ever and...

  Nausea rushed over me.

  Trembling from head to foot, I didn’t wait for him to say anything else; I just turned and shot out of there, ignoring the concern in his voice as he called out my name.

  CHAPTER 11

  “HEY.”

  I looked up from my ereader and the angsty, heart-wrenching romance I was reading. The hero and heroine’s problems were a nice escape from my own.

  And Hayley was intruding upon that escape.

  She smiled tentatively and stepped farther into my bedroom. “I just thought I’d check on you. You were quiet at dinner. Everything okay?”

  There was a part of me that was stunned she’d noticed. Hayley was kind of wrapped up in her engagement party and wedding planning. “I’m fine.”

  “Oh, it sounds like it.”

  I stared sullenly at her. “Even if I’m not fine, when have I ever come to you?”

  Hurt flickered over her features. “You used to come to me.”

  “Yeah, before I was eight and you abandoned me.”

  She sucked in a breath at the attack and I quashed the flicker of guilt. “Right.” Hayley stumbled back a little. “I’ll leave you alone, then.”

  My fingers bit into my ereader as she slipped out of my room.

  I wondered if she was going to cry.

  For some stupid reason my own eyes started to sting at the thought.

  With blurry vision I looked back down at my ebook and forced reality out.

  * * *

  If I were honest, what I really wanted to do was wallow in self-pity for...well, forever. However, despite the awful day I’d had, I managed to get some sleep that night and things looked...not different, but I could focus again on what was important.

  I was a little reassured by the fact that although I’d made myself vulnerable to Finn, he wasn’t going to share my sob story with anyone else. So there was that.

  And then there were my social plans.

  Was I really going to throw them out of the window because a boy had hurt my feelings? A boy who wasn’t even a romantic interest? I wasn’t like those girls I’d always kind of felt sorry for—you know, the ones that couldn’t make a decision based purely on what they wanted, but on what they thought the boy they liked wanted.

  Plus, I was the master at masking my true feelings.

  I could do that around Finn.

  I could pretend I wasn’t hurt. Like his rejection meant nothing to me.

  “You seem better this morning. Your appetite is back,” Hayley noted as we sat at breakfast with Eloise. As per usual Theo had already left for the office. After our first few weeks of settling in, Theo had gone back to what I gathered was his normal routine of working long hours. He was never there for breakfast and he was only home for dinner a couple of days out of the week—mostly the weekend. I wondered how Hayley felt about how much he worked. I wondered if she cared or if it was an easy compromise in order to obtain the life she’d always wanted.

  I glanced at Eloise to see if she was paying attention. She was staring at her breakfast as she ate, but I could tell by the tilt of her head that she was listening.

&nb
sp; “There was nothing wrong with me last night,” I said.

  Hayley smiled weakly at my impatient tone. “Okay.”

  “I’m done,” I said to Eloise. “Are you done?”

  She looked over at me. “In a minute.”

  “While I remember, I need you girls to write out your guest list for the engagement party. Invitations had already gone out when I realized I didn’t give you both a chance to invite some friends.”

  Eloise nodded. “I’ll get the list to you by the end of today.”

  Hayley smiled gratefully and then looked at me.

  I grimaced. “Her list is my list. Or did you forget my friends live three thousand miles away?”

  Her dark eyes dimmed at my caustic response.

  Not wanting to see the hurt there, I swept out of the house and slid into the car Gil had waiting for us. He seemed to sense my mood and sat in silence with me while we waited for Eloise.

  A few minutes later Gil got out of the car to open the door for her and she climbed in beside me. We were quiet as we waited for Gil to return to the driver’s seat. As he pulled the car out of the driveway, Eloise said, “You were a little harsh to Hayley, don’t you think?”

  I flushed inwardly with guilt.

  Outwardly I shrugged. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  Eloise seemed amused.

  “What?”

  She stared at me a moment and then shrugged before looking away. “Sometimes I forget you weren’t born here. You’re a natural.”

  “I’ve had my game face perfected since long before arriving in Massachusetts.”

  “I noticed.” She shot me a look and we shared an unhappy smile.

  Not for the first time I wondered if there was more to her sadness than her mother’s death. And if so...what?

  “You like Hayley, don’t you?” I found myself asking.

  Eloise seemed surprised by the question. “Does it matter?”

  “Kind of. We’re supposed to be becoming a family.”

  “Okay. Yes, I like Hayley. She doesn’t seem all that complicated. She takes people as they are. I’ve never heard her pass judgment on anyone or bitch about them. That’s refreshing.”

  I laughed. “Refreshing. Right.”

  We were silent for a moment.

  “India, she’s your mom. Just be grateful she’s here, okay?”

  Guilt and anger mixed together and clogged in a giant lump in my throat so I couldn’t respond. I was pissed at Hayley and I didn’t want to stop being pissed at Hayley. I had a right to be pissed at her. That didn’t mean there wasn’t a part of me that felt bad, that didn’t feel like I was taking the fact that I had Hayley for granted when I lived with a girl who’d lost her mom in such a way that there was no hope of getting her back.

  * * *

  School that day was interesting to say the least. If I could have willed it to, I would have made my heart rate stay steady the moment I saw Finn. Unfortunately, the heart has a mind of its own, and as soon as we saw one another in the hall, mine started banging and thumping in my chest like a panicked nerd who’d been stuffed into her locker by the most popular kid in school.

  Finn’s eyes seared into me, soulful, almost tortured.

  Then as Eloise drew us nearer, he seemed to remember himself and all that I’d seen in his expression disappeared like smoke in the wind.

  “Hi,” Eloise said, touching his chest briefly as we stopped in the hall.

  “Hey.” He tucked her hair behind her ear and gave her a small, intimate smile she returned. His eyes flickered to me and he mumbled a “Hey” before turning his attention back to her. “Are we seeing each other tomorrow?”

  Eloise nodded. “It’s Paul’s birthday party tomorrow, remember.”

  I did. Paul, our copy editor, had invited me last week. His mother was Diana DuPont Worthington, heir to DuPont Diamonds, one of the most long-standing giants in the mining and selling of diamonds.

  In other words, Paul’s family was a big freaking deal and anyone who was anyone would be attending his party.

  “Right,” Finn said. “Is everyone going?”

  Was it just me or did that everyone actually mean “India”?

  I felt my hurt turn to anger and that was a good thing. I was better at handling anger than hurt. “I’m going to catch you guys later,” I said in a voice that sounded so normal I was proud of myself. “I have to get to class.”

  Eloise bid me goodbye but I got nothing from Finn. For whatever reason, despite my confession, he’d decided not only were we not friends, we weren’t even acquaintances. He was still going to treat me as if I didn’t exist and that pretty much made him a shitty person. I’d told him things that I hadn’t told another soul. I was more vulnerable to him than anyone else, except Hayley.

  And he was acting like the world’s biggest dipshit.

  That helped me get through the day because I didn’t want a dipshit for a confidant.

  * * *

  If I’d been blown away by Theo’s home and Finn’s house, I was overwhelmed by Paul Worthington’s family’s sprawling mansion. It was exorbitant in its grandeur. I couldn’t imagine living in a place like it.

  We’d taken Eloise’s car, and she was more than happy to let me drive, which was a nice bonus. The Worthingtons lived in Weston so it was only a five-minute trip to his home, but I got the impression Eloise felt it was important that we turn up in a Jaguar rather than a cab—or heaven forbid walk there.

  I followed Eloise through the party, wearing a short stretch-knit blue dress by Balmain. It had long sleeves, a round neck and a jacquard pattern in darker blue lace down the bodice and sleeves. I wore it with Michael Kors open-toed black suede booties. I’d never worn a more expensive outfit in my life. But looking around at everyone else I knew it was the right choice. Everyone was dressed to party wearing designer.

  Eloise led us into the billiard room (yes, billiard room!) where our crew had congregated. I braced myself, about to follow Eloise as she moved toward her boyfriend, when a strong arm hooked around my waist and stopped me in my tracks. I was jerked back into a hard body, one that I pushed against as I twisted around to see who had captured me.

  Jasper.

  Great.

  I pushed against him again and he eased his hold but didn’t let me go. “You look hot, India.” He grinned. “Appropriate, considering your namesake.”

  I rolled my eyes and tugged out of his grasp. He scowled in disappointment.

  “Hey, where you going?” he said, grabbing my wrist when I turned to leave.

  Touchy-feely asshole. I scowled and pulled my hand away from him. “You know, if you want to talk to me, try doing it without touching me.”

  His eyes turned frosty so quickly I shivered, and he leaned in to purr viciously, “Awfully stuck up for a poor bitch.”

  I reeled back. “Showing your true colors there, Jasper.”

  And just like that the ice was gone and he was grinning at me beseechingly. “Come on, I don’t want to be enemies. I want to be friends. Very good friends.”

  “You know what? You should just stick to being good friends with your right hand.”

  His friends who had been eavesdropping burst out laughing and Jasper’s face darkened with anger.

  I whirled away from him before the creep could get any creepier and I smacked right into Gabe’s strong chest. He lightly grabbed my arms to steady me. “You okay?” His eyes narrowed behind me and he looked uncharacteristically pissed off.

  “I’m fine,” I assured him. “Nothing I can’t handle.”

  He searched my eyes and whatever he saw made him smile. “Okay, warrior girl.” He grabbed my hand and started leading me over to Finn and Eloise. “Be friends with your right hand. You crack me up, Maxwell.?
??

  I chuckled, feeling relieved to be with a friend and away from Jasper. I hadn’t gotten the best vibe off the senior before tonight, but now I sensed something aggressive in him. I didn’t know if it was alcohol, or if it was my turn to be paranoid, but I did know I wanted to shake off my feeling of unease.

  That wasn’t the easiest thing in the world to do when I found myself standing next to Finn. I did my best to keep enough distance between us so we wouldn’t touch. As my eyes swept over everyone they locked with one of the seniors on Finn’s crew. He was the second tallest guy on the crew next to Finn, but more built, with big wide shoulders. His light red hair was cut close to his head and he had piercing blue eyes. Good-looking with sharp, angular features that were a contradiction to the smattering of freckles across his cheeks and nose, the guy was this very nice mix of cute and hot.

  And he was smiling at me.

  I smiled back.

  He moved forward, close to the middle of the group, and held out a large hand. “Patrick Donaghue.”

  “India Maxwell.” I shook his hand.

  “You haven’t met?” Eloise said, brow furrowed. “Apologies. India, Patrick’s father is the other senior partner in Daddy’s law firm—Donaghue & Fairweather.”

  “Oh. Well, it’s nice to meet you.”

  “You, too.” He smiled. “I saw you at the race but you disappeared before Finn could introduce us. I’ve seen you around school, too. I kept meaning to come over and introduce myself. I’m sorry it took me so long.”

  I grinned at his obvious flirtation, glad for the distraction from the brooding boy beside me.

  “Okay.” Gabe puffed up his chest comically and stepped between us. He gestured to Patrick as he turned to me. “You’re not going to fall for this guy’s so-called Irish charm, right?”

  Patrick laughed as I made a face that suggested I was considering it.

  Gabe clutched his chest dramatically. “Baby, you’re killing me here!”

  “And you’re killing me here.” Finn nudged him out of the way. “I’m bored.” He took Eloise’s hand and led her away, Bryce and Joshua following in their wake.