The Impossible Vastness of Us

  “I was fourteen and my father caught me making out with our cook’s daughter.” He gave me this rueful, boyish smile that I felt deep in my gut. “He punched me in the ear so hard it was ringing for days. That I could handle, but the constant being on my back about dating the ‘right kind’ of girl started to really stress me out. So... I began dating Eloise to appease him.”

  Now I felt something else hit me in the gut, and it was a something I did not like. “Finn.”

  He leaned toward me. “India, I’m not using her. I mean, I am, but it’s not like that. Eloise is getting what she wants out of this relationship, as well.”

  “Like what?”

  “I can’t tell you.”

  “You are using her.”

  “I’m not.” His chair screeched as he pulled it closer so our knees touched. His dark eyes moved over my face and I sucked in my breath at the open appreciation I saw there. “I’m not using her...but we are in a relationship together. I guess it just never occurred to me that I might actually meet someone in high school. Someone I...”

  That feeling in my chest, that thick, hot feeling, threatened to overwhelm me at all the things he wasn’t saying. “Finn, Eloise is going to be my family.”

  He looked so forlorn it took everything within me not to reach for him.

  “What is it you’re hiding?”

  “I can’t tell you. Please, just trust me.”

  Hurt and frustration swept through me in equal measure but I tamped it down. It wasn’t my place to demand his secrets.

  My frustration was suddenly mirrored in his eyes as he looked up at me. “I wish things were different.”

  But they weren’t different. They were the same, history repeating itself. I cared about someone and they didn’t care enough about me back to be honest about what was really going on.

  I didn’t know if I was angry at Finn or just angry that nothing ever seemed to be easy for me. Everything was always a fight.

  It felt like I lived in a constant clusterfuck.

  I gave a huff of laughter. “Story of my life.” I shook my head, grabbed up my bag and, unable to look at him, said, “Thank you for your help tonight.”

  “You’re not leaving without me.”

  His protectiveness confused and pissed me off even more. “I’m not? Funny, it looks like that’s exactly what I’m doing.”

  His familiar scowl was back in place at my sarcasm. “You’re also not going home alone after what happened here. I’ll give you a ride.”

  “Finn.” I slumped, suddenly feeling exhausted. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

  Sadness flittered through his eyes before he managed a carefully blank expression. “I think I can handle driving you home.”

  Still a trembling mess after everything that had happened, I gave in and followed Finn out to his car.

  The tension that we’d shared before was nothing compared to how it was now. Now that Finn had in a roundabout way admitted he liked me and I’d realized that what I was feeling for him was attraction, the tension could not be mistaken for anything else but sexual.

  I’d never felt anything like it before—it was the most frustrating, scary and exhilarating feeling in the world.

  When we eventually pulled up outside the house, the guilt washed over me. I shouldn’t be feeling this way about Eloise’s boyfriend and he certainly shouldn’t be feeling this way about me.

  I felt like we were to blame for the whole thing but I didn’t know why.

  I hadn’t asked the universe to make Finn like me.

  And I had definitely not intended to like him in return.

  “India,” he said just as I moved to get out of his car. “I’ve never really cared what anybody thought of me before...but I really don’t want you to think I’m a bad person.”

  I stared into his beautiful eyes. “I can’t imagine ever thinking you’re a bad person. I meant it earlier...thank you for coming for me tonight. I’ll never forget it.”

  “This feels weirdly like a goodbye,” he said with a bitter twist to his gorgeous lips.

  “Maybe it is. I guess we’re both just a complication the other doesn’t need.”

  Slowly, so slowly my heart had time to increase in hard, steady thumps, Finn slid his hand over the center console between us and stroked his thumb along the side of my hand. I felt that simple touch in every nerve, my body reacting to it in a way it never had to the touches and deep kisses that had come before it.

  I stared at our hands for a moment, wondering how different my life could be if Finn wasn’t Eloise’s boyfriend, if we’d just met as strangers at school, felt the inexplicable bond between us and were free to do something about it.

  Suddenly very aware of how long I’d been sitting outside the house in his car, I fumbled for the door handle. “See you around, Finn.”

  He didn’t say anything in return.

  Hurrying into the house, I couldn’t look back, and I was more than grateful that I didn’t bump into anyone as I rushed upstairs to my room, where I locked the door, fumbled for my phone and called Anna. Not only did I want a distraction, but I badly needed to hear a friendly voice.

  CHAPTER 13

  THE SCHOOL SEEMED to tower over us more than usual.

  “Are you coming?” Eloise’s eyebrows drew together.

  My stomach felt sick with guilt every time I looked at her.

  I nodded, full of trepidation. Last night I’d done my best not to dwell on Finn. I had even skipped dinner so I didn’t have to face Eloise, using my long conversation with Anna as an excuse.

  Anna did a good job of distracting me but talking to her only made me long for Arroyo Grande and my uncomplicated life there.

  Now it was Friday morning, and I had to face Finn. I had to face Finn and our feelings and learn how to pummel those feelings into the ground in order to continue on with my life at Tobias Rochester.

  It would have been helpful if the freaking school were named after someone else’s great-grandfather.

  “You’re acting strange,” Eloise said as we walked toward her locker, where Bryce and Charlotte were waiting.

  “Not sleeping much.”

  “Mmm.”

  I looked at her sharply. “What does ‘mmm’ mean?”

  God, she doesn’t know, does she? How could she know?

  “Nothing.” She shook her head. “You and Hayley are creating quite the atmosphere in the house, that’s all.”

  “I’m allowed to argue with Hayley.”

  “You never call her ‘Mom’ or ‘my mother.’” She slanted a look at me. “It’s...interesting.”

  Glib, I said, “Don’t tell me you’re actually getting curious about me, Eloise?”

  She smirked. “I said it was interesting, not fascinating. There’s a difference.” Her head jerked to the side. “Finn!”

  I tensed, following her gaze.

  Finn was coming out of a classroom near Eloise’s locker. He blinked, seeming surprised to see us there for some reason. His eyes flicked to me before quickly flitting back to Eloise.

  “Hey,” he said, waiting for us to draw up next to him.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “Handing in a late paper.”

  She frowned. “You’ve never had to hand in a late paper.”

  He studiously refused to look at me. “Uh, yeah. I have a lot going on.”

  Eloise’s concern was so genuine that I felt like even more of a bitch for contemplating the things that I wanted with Finn.

  “I have to run.” He pecked her cheek and rushed off with just a nod to Charlotte and Bryce when he passed them.

  Bryce wandered over to us, turning from watching Finn’s retreating back to Eloise. “Well, he’s acting strange.”
br />   Her words mirrored what Eloise had said to me earlier. They made my sister-to-be’s head snap back to look at me. I did not mistake the suspicion I saw in her hazel eyes.

  I kept my expression bland and shrugged, like I had no idea what was going on.

  I must have done a good enough job at not looking guilty because the suspicion died, and she turned primly back to Bryce. “He has a lot on his mind.”

  You have no idea.

  * * *

  Finn didn’t sit with us at lunch again. He went to Lulu’s.

  And the entire time Eloise kept looking at her phone.

  He was doing such a crappy job of pretending nothing had happened between us (and technically nothing had happened between us!) that I wanted to kill him.

  Here I was, doing my best to pretend that everything was la-di-da, and he couldn’t even show his face at lunch.

  It’s not like he had to do anything! We barely spoke at lunch before any of this happened so no one would notice us not talking.

  It was fair to say by the time I got home that afternoon I was frustrated, worried and lamenting the fact that apparently I wasn’t so different from girls my age. A boy could make my world stop.

  He was just the wrong boy.

  “There you are!” Hayley said as I wandered through the informal sitting room to get to the kitchen.

  I was no longer so afraid of Gretchen that I couldn’t go into the kitchen for a soda.

  I grunted at Hayley and continued past her.

  “Hey!” she snapped.

  Irritation bubbled up inside me and I spun around to raise my eyebrows at her as if to say, Well, get on with it.

  “I am sick of this.” She shook her head and stood up from the pile of folders and papers scattered over the coffee table. How long does it take to plan a wedding?

  “Sick of what?” I crossed my arms, feigning boredom. “Playing princess?”

  “You. The way you talk to me. We were fine a couple of weeks ago. What happened between then and now? What are you taking out on me?”

  My life. I’m taking my life out on you.

  Curbing my inner melodrama, I shrugged. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “Yes, you do. I don’t know what you’re talking about. But maybe if you told me what was bothering you, I could fix it.”

  “You know what I want. I want you to do what you’ve been good at my whole life...and stay out of it.” I strode out of the room, banging through the kitchen doors.

  Gretchen shot me a dirty look for my loud entrance but for now this was my home and I was too pissed to be intimidated by the cook. I grabbed a soda and hauled ass to my room.

  Unfortunately, I couldn’t hide out there because Eloise would know something was up, so I went down to dinner that night.

  Theo was home and he and Hayley were already seated at the table when I got there.

  Eloise, however, was nowhere to be seen.

  “Where’s Eloise?” I said, standing in the doorway.

  Theo shot a look at the chair she usually sat in and said, “With Finn. I said she could skip dinner with us this evening to spend time with him. Apparently, schoolwork has kept them apart for the last few weeks. I saw no harm in it.”

  “Oh.” My stomach dropped at the thought of Eloise and Finn together. Talking. Touching...aahhh! I was not allowed to feel jealous! I shoved those feelings down and then I stomped on them a few times before hocking a loogie on top of them. “So, does that mean I can be excused?”

  Hayley stiffened, her lips pursing at the request.

  Theo raised an eyebrow. “Do you have plans?”

  “I’m not hungry.”

  “You should eat.”

  “I don’t want to eat.”

  “Well, I haven’t seen you all week so I’d really prefer if you sat down to dinner.”

  “I’m tired,” I insisted.

  “India—”

  “Just let her go,” Hayley bit out.

  Theo stared at Hayley in concern before turning to me in disapproval. “You may be excused,” he muttered.

  * * *

  India: Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?

  Anna: Why?

  India: Because the p is silent.

  Anna: Oh, man, I just snorted diet soda out of my nose. That hurt.

  * * *

  “India, may I come in?”

  I looked up from grinning at my phone, my smile dropping at the sight of Theo standing in my doorway with a plate of food in his hand. “Um... I meant it when I said I’m not hungry.” And I had meant it. I hadn’t eaten a thing since yesterday. There was no room for anything else in my belly but butterflies.

  Theo put the plate down on my dresser. “Okay. I’ll just leave it here if you change your mind.”

  I waited for him to leave but after a few seconds of just staring awkwardly at one another, I said, “Was there anything else?”

  He pointed to my desk chair in question.

  I shifted, uncomfortable with the idea of having a “chat” but I nodded out of politeness and put my phone down beside me on the bed.

  Theo heaved a massive sigh. “I’m not happy with how things are between you and your mother.”

  That’s not any of your business!

  It was like he read my mind or something. “I know you think it’s not my business, but the truth is, it is my business now. When your mother and I get married, I will be your stepfather.”

  “I’m aware.”

  “India—” he leaned his elbows on his knees, concern and what might have been sincerity in his eyes “—I am not a stupid man. Do you think I don’t know something happened to you? Your relationship with Hayley is...well, even before this argument between you flared up this week things were strained. And from the little I’ve gleaned from Hayley about your father I can hazard a solid guess that he was not a good man.”

  “What did she tell you?” I said sharply.

  Theo’s expression softened. “Not much. But I can put together the puzzle pieces. I think he hurt you and I cannot tell you how incredibly sorry that makes me. But I need you to know that you are safe here. I would never let anything happen to my family. You can always come to me whenever you need to.”

  I looked at my duvet, not able to see his kindness when I didn’t know if I could trust it.

  “I’m patient. I can wait for your trust.”

  There he went again being weirdly perceptive.

  “As for you and Hayley... I should know better than to get between two fighting women...”

  I looked up to see his wry smile.

  “Hayley thinks you’re upset because you’re missing your friends in California.”

  She wasn’t completely off base.

  “So, what if I sent you there for a weekend? Whenever you want. You can choose.”

  My spirits immediately lifted. “Seriously?”

  He grinned. “Yes.”

  Gratitude, real gratitude, swept through me and for once resentment didn’t stop me from accepting. “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome.” He stood up and gave me a soft smile. “I just want everyone to be happy.”

  And I just wanted to believe that was true.

  Maybe one day I would.

  Later that night, before bed, I was returning from the kitchen with a bottled water, and as I walked down the hall toward my room I almost jumped out of my skin when Eloise appeared around the corner. The house had been so quiet I could almost imagine I was the only one in it.

  Eloise had startled at the sight of me.

  “You okay?”

  “I’m fine,” she said. “I was heading downstairs for hot cocoa.”

  ??
?You’re up late.”

  “Working on a paper.” She shrugged. “Daddy said you might be going back to the west coast to visit friends.”

  “Yeah. I don’t know when. Things are hectic now. But hopefully soon.”

  She cocked her head to the side pensively. “You want to go back to Arroyo Grande, don’t you? Permanently?”

  I thought about lying. But I chose the truth instead. “Yes.”

  My stepsister-to-be didn’t seem horrified by my confession that I’d rather stay in California with friends than here with my supposed family. Instead she looked thoughtful as she started walking toward me. She stopped a few inches from me. “I’m sorry this is hard for you.”

  I tried not to show my shock at her unexpected kindness. Instead I said, “I’m sorry this is hard for you, too.”

  And for a moment, just a tiny moment, we truly understood at least one thing about one another.

  “Good night,” she said before strolling past me toward the stairs.

  * * *

  “All right, I hate to ask,” Bryce said in a beleaguered tone at lunch, “but who is the hottie in this photo?” She pointed to a picture on her phone.

  I leaned past Charlotte to see. It was a photo of me and Jay, our arms wrapped around each other, as we laughed on the beach at a party last summer. It was on my Instagram. “Snooping, dear Bryce?” I teased.

  “And hottie?” Joshua frowned at her.

  She waved away his concern. “I thought he might be famous, that’s all.”

  “He’s not famous. That’s Jay.” I flicked a glance at Finn and saw he was glowering at Bryce’s phone.

  Finn’s eyes flicked to me at that comment, and I looked away quickly.

  “Did you date him?” Bryce almost looked impressed.

  “I guess. We were never serious.”

  “It certainly looked as though you had fun together,” Bryce said, waving another picture of me. One of Jay and me dancing. And kissing.

  “Would you stop creeping?” I scowled at Bryce.

  “Let’s see.” Gabe reached over the table and snatched the phone.