The Impossible Vastness of Us

  Bryce flinched. “I’m just kidding around.”

  “Well, get a clue, Bryce, because no one is laughing.” Eloise grabbed Finn’s hand and gestured to me. “Let’s get to class.”

  As we walked away, Bryce said, “So what? India is your new best friend and suddenly I’m roadkill? You ignored me on WhatsApp yesterday.”

  “Yes, I ignored the new, meaner you. Learn to apologize and maybe we can all return to normal. Are you coming, Charlotte?”

  Relief flooded Charlotte’s features that she wasn’t in the doghouse with Elle, too, and she scurried over to us.

  We walked into Microeconomics class, and I grabbed ahold of Eloise’s arm and pulled her toward me before she hit her seat. “Do you think it’s wise putting Bryce out in the cold?” I whispered.

  I saw the worry on her face. “I’ll talk to her,” she whispered back. “Something’s going on with her. She’s not usually this cruel. I just couldn’t take it this morning. And you said what you said to help me out. I didn’t want her to be mean to you because of it. But I’ll talk to her,” she repeated.

  Bryce appeared in the doorway with Joshua just as I was sitting down behind Finn.

  As for Finn, he seemed to be avoiding my gaze.

  Great.

  Had the virgin thing flipped him out?

  Bryce glowered at us but stubbornly refused to sit anywhere but her usual seat. Joshua seemed confused by the tense atmosphere as he sat down. “Does someone want to let me know what’s happening here?”

  “What’s happening where?” Gabe appeared.

  “Everyone is acting weird,” Joshua said.

  “Probably because everyone knows Finn and Elle had sex at her father’s engagement party on Saturday.” Gabe grinned.

  I closed my eyes, feeling all eyes on us.

  Because Gabe had said it loud.

  Very loud.

  Now everyone definitely knew the lie I’d spun.

  I opened my eyes and peeked at Elle. She was blushing but didn’t look too miserable about the whole thing.

  I glanced back at Finn, who felt my stare and looked up at me. His expression was embarrassed and apologetic, and I tried to communicate silently that he had nothing to apologize for.

  “Thank you, Gabe, for that social news announcement,” our teacher said. “Now if you’re done embarrassing Miss Fairweather and Mr. Rochester, perhaps we can get on with class.”

  “Sadly that is all the juicy information I have to share today, so go ahead, sir.” Gabe laughed, in no way apologetic.

  * * *

  Word spread quickly about Finn and Eloise, and while she was clearly embarrassed, her earlier defensiveness with Bryce was gone. Although Charlotte kept trying to reassure her friend, thinking Elle was miserable about the gossip, I knew Elle was now good with it. It was only authenticating her and Finn’s relationship lie. She’d even mouthed, “Thank you,” to me when we were leaving Microeconomics.

  When I walked into Modern European History, however, Finn did not look happy. I sat down beside him and he immediately leaned over to whisper to me. “I’m sorry.”

  “Why?”

  “I’ve got guys slapping me on the back and giving me their ‘way to gos.’ I don’t want you to see that.”

  “Finn,” I whispered back, “you have nothing to be sorry about. I’m the one that started the rumor. And I encouraged Elle to go with it.”

  “So you’re okay?”

  “I’m fine. I promise.”

  Franklin strolled into the class as Finn leaned back in his chair.

  I tried to listen to Franklin, I really did. But it turned out that as much as I was aware of Finn before we confessed our feelings for one another, I was even more so now.

  Last night I’d gotten home and after letting Elle know Finn and I were going to try the whole secret relationship thing, I’d curled up on my bed with my ereader. The romance I was reading was suddenly more poignant, more engrossing, and the sex scenes woke up my body in a way they hadn’t before.

  I bit my lip, trying not to smile right there in class.

  For a long while I’d thought there was something wrong with me because I didn’t feel how my friends seemed to feel when a boy kissed them.

  Now I knew it was because I hadn’t met the right boy until now.

  I snuck a look at Finn from the corner of my eye and felt my breath catch.

  He was staring at me.

  He caught me looking and quickly looked away.

  I almost laughed.

  Crap.

  We weren’t doing a very good job so far of keeping our feelings off the grid.

  It looked like he and I needed to talk about what “covert” meant.

  * * *

  I was early, heading toward the media room for the Chronicle meeting. Eloise and I had just parted ways, as she headed toward the theater for rehearsals.

  It had been a weird day.

  The vibe I got from Finn and Eloise in the cafeteria was that they were happy. Everyone seemed to notice it and put it down to the fact that their relationship was now on the next level. Elle had obviously talked to Bryce because she sat at the table and seemed to be on good behavior. Well, good behavior for Bryce.

  It all seemed hunky-dory in their world.

  Our world, I should say.

  Yet, as excited as I was about Finn and as relieved as I was for Elle, I felt uncomfortable with the lies. I’d spent a long time keeping my past a secret but I didn’t think of that as lying so much as evading. Some might say there wasn’t much of a difference but it felt like a difference to me. I never actually said anything that wasn’t true. I just didn’t say everything that could be said. In this case we were outright lying to everyone, and I suddenly realized what life for Finn and Elle was like all the time.

  If I felt uncomfortable in my own skin, then surely they must feel a hundred times worse.

  Today it wasn’t showing on them, though.

  My doubts about sneaking around with Finn were rearing their ugly heads again and, as if he knew that, Finn suddenly appeared by my side in the empty hallway.

  He grabbed my hand, startling me, and I’d just said, “Finn?” when I found myself being jerked unceremoniously into the art room where Finn’s darkroom was.

  Butterflies raged to life in my belly as he marched me through the room, threw open the darkroom door, hauled me inside, slammed the door shut and pushed me up against it.

  “Fi—” My question was cut off by his lips on mine. I sighed into his kiss, and as he pressed his body into me, his grip on my waist tightened.

  Wrapping my arms around his neck, I held on for dear life as my doubts were obliterated by the excitement I felt in simply being with him.

  When we finally came up for air, I gave a breathless little laugh and stared up into his shadowed face. “Well, that was some hello.”

  He kissed the tip of my nose, his hands sliding around my back to pull me into him. “I’ve been dying to do that all day. I swear I thought I was just going to launch myself across the table at you at lunch today.”

  I chuckled. “As fun as that would have been it’s probably good you didn’t.”

  “Yeah. Things are a little crazy. But Eloise’s happy. We talked today.”

  “You’re good?”

  “Yeah, she says she’s still hurt, which kills, and I’m going to make sure I never hurt her again. Especially since she says she forgives me. Mostly because you’re being so cool.” He grinned now. “I think she really likes you.”

  “You sound surprised.”

  “I thought she’d see you as a threat. But you’ve won her over. You have a habit of doing that,” he murmured, and brushed his mouth over mine.

  My lips tingled. “I love how yo
u kiss.”

  Finn looked pleased and a little smug. “Yeah?”

  “Mmm.” I decided to ignore his smugness. “I never liked kissing until now.”

  In answer he kissed me softly. “Never.” Kiss. “Before.” Kiss. “Now?”

  “Nope.”

  “Is that why...?” He trailed off, suddenly looking unsure.

  “Is that why, what?”

  “I shouldn’t ask.”

  “Well, you’ve started so you might as well finish,” I teased.

  His hold on me tightened, his expression sober. “Is that why you’re a virgin? You didn’t like this...stuff...?”

  I answered thoughtlessly, so busy enjoying exploring him, feeling him close, I didn’t think beyond my words. “I liked when the guys I dated touched me, just not the mouth-to-mouth part.”

  Finn tensed. “Touched you?”

  “That—”

  “Touched you how?”

  It was my turn to tense. “You thought I wasn’t a virgin, right?” I said softly, cajoling. “So why does this matter?”

  “Touched you how?” he repeated.

  “Finn.” I hoped he heard the warning in my voice.

  He did. “I just don’t like the idea of you with anyone else.”

  I remembered how jealous I felt yesterday when he told me about the girls in Florida. “I get it. But it’s the past, right? None of those guys made me feel the way you make me feel.”

  “Ditto on the girls.” His voice was rough as he leaned his forehead against mine. “God, sometimes it feels like too much.”

  “Good,” I breathed. “I’d rather you feel too much than too little.”

  In answer he kissed me again, this time harder, more desperate, until I felt his body pressing against me. Flushed, tingling all over, needy in a way I’d never felt before, I pulled away to catch my breath. “We need to stop. I need to get to the meeting, and I can’t look like I’ve been making out with a hot guy in a darkroom.”

  He laughed, the sound low and delicious. “Yeah, I guess. When can I see you alone again, though?”

  “Tomorrow? After school? We could pretend we need to study together.”

  “Eloise might cover for us—pretend I’m there to see her instead.”

  “Hmm, I don’t know. I don’t want to use her like that.”

  “Hey.” He kissed my jaw, near my ear. “She’s using me, remember?” He bit my earlobe gently, making me shiver. He pulled back. “She’s fine with this.”

  “But we should hang out with her, too. We’re the only ‘real’ people she has in her life at the moment. We should be there for her.”

  Finn stared at me, his expression soft. “You’re a good person, you know that?”

  “No, I’m not,” I said automatically. I was a selfish person. I’d had to be in order to survive the aftermath of my father.

  “If you weren’t a good person you’d be worrying more about where to find a place to be alone with your stepsister’s boyfriend than whether or not your stepsister was lonely.”

  I almost laughed at the ridiculousness of his sentence. “I just... I feel like I get her in some ways. And I respect her.”

  “Okay. We’ll hang out with her, too. I love Elle. I have no problem with spending time with her. But I do want to find time for just us.”

  “We will,” I promised, sliding my hands down his back. “We need to.”

  He groaned and reluctantly stepped back. “You need to leave.”

  I gave him a quick kiss on his cheek, grinning mischievously as I did so. “Okay. See you tomorrow.”

  I left him, feeling light and happy. I’d forgotten about the lies and the discomfort and the doubt, and felt nothing but anticipation for the next time I could get Finn Rochester alone.

  CHAPTER 16

  “HEY, CAN I look at your notes for Microeconomics? I’ve been going over mine for the last few classes and they’re useless,” I said to Eloise over breakfast a few Saturdays later.

  She swallowed a piece of croissant and nodded. “Would you like me to go over them with you?”

  “Yeah, if you’re offering.”

  “In exchange, maybe you can help me run some lines for the play? Bryce was doing it but she keeps making fun of the whole thing.” She didn’t have to say that Bryce was still acting like a hyperversion of her mean girl self over her father dating Charlotte’s mother.

  “Sure, no problem.”

  “I thought maybe we could talk Finn into hitting Charles Street before the movie today. I need new notebooks.”

  “Ooh, me, too,” I said.

  “Ah, two against one.” Eloise smiled.

  A throat cleared to our right, and we both turned our heads that way. Hayley was sitting frozen with a piece of toast in her mouth, eyes wide, while Theo was staring at us in bemusement. He had been the throat clearer.

  “You two are getting along,” he said carefully.

  For the past few weeks we’d hardly seen our parents. Hayley was always busy with wedding plans and Theo had a big case at work that was keeping him at the office late. They’d missed recent developments between me and Eloise.

  “Yes, Daddy.” Eloise shrugged and turned back to me. “Do you think it would be pushing our luck to get Finn to stop by Boylston Street, too? I have my eye on a Prada bag.”

  “Definitely pushing your luck.”

  She slumped with a sigh. “I thought so.”

  * * *

  Eloise did manage to talk Finn into stopping by Prada but only in exchange for him getting to choose the movie.

  That meant watching the latest bestselling thriller-novel-turned-movie, but Elle and I both enjoyed it so it wasn’t such a bad deal.

  We were sitting in Lulu’s afterward, Elle and Finn sitting beside each other for the sake of keeping up appearances. I sat across from them sipping my latte and chuckling as Finn teased Elle about the girl at the popcorn counter of the movie theater.

  “I’m telling you she was checking you out.”

  Elle blushed and gave me a pleading look. “Would you tell him to stop?”

  I grinned but threw my napkin at Finn. “Stop it.”

  “Just sayin’,” he murmured, still smiling to himself as he took a sip of coffee.

  Elle rolled her eyes. “Can we talk about something that actually has a point? Like our Microeconomics assignment.”

  “It has a point?” Finn and I said in unison.

  We grinned at each other.

  That got us another eye roll from Eloise. “Fine. We won’t talk about schoolwork. It’s not like it’s important or anything.”

  “We could think up a way of getting me out of going to Austria with my father at Christmas.”

  Elle and I shared a look. Although I was the only one who knew how bad things could get with Finn’s father, Elle knew enough to wish things were better for Finn at home. “We could tell him I’m pregnant,” Elle said deadpan. “You know, to lighten his mood when you explain you can’t go to Austria.”

  I snorted.

  Finn smirked at her. “I dare you to tell him you’re pregnant.”

  “Are you kidding? I’m pretty sure that man can shrink someone with his steely stare alone. We’ll think of something else.”

  “Hey, what are you guys doing here?”

  We glanced up as Bryce and Joshua walked over to us, holding hands. Bryce had narrowed her eyes on me. “Third-wheeling their dates now, India?”

  “Bryce,” Joshua warned.

  She shrugged and took a seat at our table. Joshua stayed standing. “Well?” she snapped up at him. “Coming or going?”

  He scowled at her but took a seat at the table.

  Bryce turned her attention to Elle and Finn. “We were passing
and saw you guys in here. Thought we’d join. We haven’t been on a double date in ages,” she said.

  Finn shot me an apologetic look while Elle shifted uncomfortably.

  “You know what we were just talking about?” Bryce grinned. “Do you remember two years ago at Honor Ruffalo’s pool party—”

  “The floater!” Elle laughed. “How did I forget about that?”

  “What made you think of that?” Finn grinned at Joshua.

  Joshua shrugged. “Bryce was talking about having an indoor pool party over winter break. I was reminding her of the downsides.”

  “He’s being a downer.” She threw him a dirty look. “But what’s new?”

  Before Joshua could react to her gibe, Elle tried to alleviate the tension between boyfriend and girlfriend.

  “To be fair the floater culprit was never found.” She shuddered in exaggeration.

  “Oh, sweetie, are you thinking about how it nearly touched you?” Bryce reached over to squeeze her hand in sympathy. “Thank God Finn saw it and pulled you out of the way.”

  “My hero.” She snorted and nudged him with her shoulder.

  They all laughed, moving on from the story about the floater to another about a fifth grade party where a few kids got sick on punch and caused a vomiting domino effect.

  I began to feel like the third wheel Bryce had accused me of being as it became more and more like a double date between the four of them. Finn and Elle naturally became more affectionate with each other as the trip down memory lane went on. They didn’t cut me out deliberately. Bryce was leading this particular venture into nostalgia-land and I had no doubt she was doing it on purpose to make me feel left out.

  But it wasn’t really her I was upset with.

  I hated that I couldn’t sit beside Finn. I hated that his arm was around Elle and not me. I hated that no one knew he was my boyfriend, not hers.

  None of that bothered me when it was just Finn, Elle and me in our little bubble together.

  It bothered me in situations like this, and it bothered me that I had to pretend that it didn’t bother me.

  “I have this week’s book to read and review for the Chronicle,” I said, cutting off Bryce. “I’m going to head back.”