The Impossible Vastness of Us

  My eyes stung, and I pressed my cheek into his chest. “Back at you, Finn.”

  * * *

  I thought the worst thing that could happen the next day when I woke up was to remember that Finn was leaving the next morning.

  Unfortunately, it wasn’t.

  I was shaken awake by a hysterical Eloise.

  “What, what, what is it?” I swatted at her drowsily.

  “India, wake up now,” she said, her voice frantic.

  I pried my eyes open. “What?” A horrible thought hit me and I sat up, almost slamming my face into hers. “Did Finn leave already?”

  “No.” She pushed her hair off her face and I saw her cheeks were wet, her eyes red, and there was nothing short of horror in them.

  “Elle.” I felt my heart slam against my ribs at the sight of her. “What’s going on?”

  She shoved her phone at me.

  I took it, blinking until my vision cleared, and what I saw made my blood turn cold.

  Eloise’s Twitter stream was full of tweets about her from our classmates.

  Tweets about her being gay.

  I looked up at her. “How?”

  More tears slipped down her cheeks as she took the phone back, pressed some buttons and then handed it back to me.

  Bryce: I thought we were friends.

  Eloise: We are friends. Are you drunk?

  Bryce: I came over last night to see what was going on with Finn. I overheard you telling HER that you were gay. HER. Really? You tell HER your biggest secret. Well, guess what...secret’s out.

  Eloise: Oh God, what did you do?

  I’d suspected all along that Bryce was jealous of my friendship with Eloise, but despite how mean I knew that girl could be, I didn’t think she’d take her envy and use it as a weapon, let alone that the blood she’d spill would be Elle’s.

  “What am I going to do?” she whispered.

  I looked up from the phone and told her something I knew was the last thing she wanted to hear. “You need to tell your dad the truth before he finds out from someone else.”

  Her chest began to rise and fall in a fast, sharp rhythm.

  “It’s okay.” I pushed my duvet off me. “I’ll come with you. If you want?”

  Elle nodded before expelling a long, shaky breath. “How do I do this? I’ve thought about telling him a million times but right now my mind is just blank.”

  “Let’s just sit him down, and we’ll see how it goes from there.”

  I pulled on a robe and directed a reluctant Eloise out of my room and down the hallway. We walked past her room, following the wide corridor around the house until we got to the other side where Theo and Hayley’s huge bedroom suite was.

  Just as I raised my hand to knock on the door, Elle grabbed my wrist.

  I looked at her and read the fear in her eyes.

  Whatever happens, I’m not going anywhere.

  Her grip relaxed and she let me go. She nodded even though she looked ten seconds away from upchucking.

  I rattled my knuckles against our parents’ door.

  At the silence beyond it, I rapped harder. “Theo! Hayley!”

  That seemed to do the trick as we heard soft sounds beyond the doors. A few seconds later one of the double doors swung open, and Theo stood in silk pajamas, squinting at us, his face creased with sleep. “Girls, what is it?” He yawned. “Everything all right?”

  “No. Um... Eloise needs to talk to you. Downstairs. Back sitting room. Now.”

  Suddenly more alert, Theo’s attention moved to his daughter. He immediately paled at her complexion. “Please tell me you’re not pregnant.”

  “I’m not pregnant, Daddy. I’m gay.”

  I was physically jolted by her abrupt announcement and I swung my eyes from her to her father.

  He stared at her, confused. “What?”

  Elle’s lips started to tremble. “I’m gay.”

  Hayley appeared beside Theo, her eyes on Eloise, her own face pale. She’d obviously heard. “Uh...sweetheart, why don’t we take this downstairs...”

  “I don’t understand,” Theo huffed. “Is this a joke?”

  “No.” She shook her head frantically. “I wasn’t just covering for Finn by dating him. He was covering for me. I’ve been too afraid to tell you and everyone else the truth. I’m gay. I’m gay, Daddy. I’m gay.”

  “Stop saying that!” he yelled, throwing his hands up in disbelief.

  “Why?” Elle began to cry. “Because you think it’s a dirty word?”

  “How...what... I don’t know what’s going on?” He looked to me as if for answers.

  Eloise’s “throw him into the deep end” strategy hadn’t worked. Perhaps I should have coached her before we did this. “Bryce found out last night. She overheard Elle and me talking. She’s told everyone. It’s all over social media. Eloise wanted you to find out from her, not from someone else.”

  Theo looked horrified, which was probably the reaction Elle had been fearing since she was thirteen. He stared at her, wide-eyed, like he’d never seen her before.

  And then that’s when Elle started to tell him her story—everything that she’d told me, about her tutor, about her fears about her mom and her uncle, how she thought it would have made her mom feel about her, how much that hurt and scared her... “So Finn and I thought we could help each other out,” she said, her voice shaking so much I wanted to grab her hand. “We agreed to pretend to be in a relationship to keep his dad off his back and to protect me from anyone finding out that I was gay. To protect me from you finding out I was gay.

  “I love you more than anyone in this world and I know how you are. I’m terrified—” she began to visibly tremble now “—terrified of losing you over this. But I’m still me, Daddy. I’m still Eloise. Please.”

  I’d never been as proud of anyone in my life as I was right then. Hayley was crying quietly beside Theo. Her tears had started as soon as Elle mentioned how she wanted to die when she first realized the truth about herself. She’d never told me that before. I wanted to cry, too, hearing it.

  There was nothing but kindness and compassion in Hayley’s expression and I could only hope that her feelings would help Theo come to accept the truth about his daughter.

  My hope was shattered into smithereens when he shook his head and dropped his eyes. “I can’t,” he said hoarsely. “I can’t even...” He sucked in a huge breath of air and then turned around, pulling away from Hayley’s touch as she reached for him.

  “Theo!” she called as he stormed into their room and disappeared into their bathroom. The door slammed shut in his wake.

  Eloise stared into the room.

  If someone wanted to paint heartbreak, they need look no further than my stepsister’s face.

  “Oh, sweetie,” Hayley breathed, and she reached for her, pulling her into a tight embrace.

  Elle’s arms dangled at her sides as she continued to stare after her father like the whole world had just come crashing down.

  CHAPTER 26

  OUR HOUSE WAS a big house. For four people it was a big house.

  A lot of rooms.

  A lot of empty space.

  And yet somehow Eloise and her father’s grief seemed to fill every inch, every corner, until it felt like you couldn’t move without wading through thick cloying mud while the rain soaked you through.

  Eloise and I spent most of the day with Finn in the pool house. The three of us lay on the sofa bed together and in a strange way the distraction of looking after Elle was a good thing for Finn and me. It reminded us of who we were, and a big part of who we were was being friends to Elle. Our concern for her seemed so much stronger than the fear of what our future together held.

  “Theo is a good guy.” Finn final
ly brought up the subject as the light outside began to wither. “He’ll come around.”

  “This is my worst fear realized, Finn,” she said. “What do I do if I’ve lost him?”

  “You haven’t lost him,” he promised.

  “I’m going to kill Bryce,” Elle seethed. “I mean, I am going to annihilate her.”

  “You’re not going to war with Bryce,” he said. “She’s not worth it.”

  “The scandal she created...” She shook her head in disbelief. “I can’t go into school tomorrow. Not alone.”

  I was going with Theo and Finn to the airport in the morning and had decided that I’d probably be too much of a mess to go to school at all. “Then don’t.”

  “I can’t come to the airport, either.” She shot Finn an apologetic look. “Not with Daddy there.”

  “It’s okay.” He slid his arm around her shoulders and pulled her against him. “We’ll say our see-you-laters here tomorrow.”

  “See-you-laters?”

  I smirked. “Finn is refusing to call it goodbye.”

  “Because it isn’t,” he insisted. “I’ll visit when I can, and you guys can come to Florida whenever you want. Plus... Harvard is Theo’s alma mater. There is a ninety-nine percent chance both of you will apply and get in there. Am I right?”

  I nodded because it would be a dream for me to be prelaw at Harvard and I’d seen Elle’s Harvard sweater and T-shirts. Theo had pretty much brainwashed her into going there.

  She nodded, the pain in her eyes making me believe she was thinking about that, too.

  “I love Boston. I won’t lose this city or you guys because of my father. I’m going to apply to the Massachusetts College of Art and Design. They have a great fine arts program where I can study photography.” He grinned at us. “I’ll be back, ladies.”

  Elle hugged him hard. “You’ll call all the time and email and text and communicate in any way you possibly can,” she ordered.

  Finn laughed. “Yes, ma’am.”

  The forced levity between us soon became too hard to maintain and the weight of our reality settled over us as we lay together. Somehow over the last few months we’d become this family unit, and it almost felt like we were going through some weird divorce.

  Finn leaving would change everything.

  Despite that, I knew I would have to get up every morning and let each day take me on whatever journey life had in store for me next. But that didn’t mean that I couldn’t let myself be sad. Being sad didn’t mean I was giving up on the idea of Finn and me having a future; it just meant that I was sad our present had to turn out the way that it did.

  * * *

  Theo hugged Finn hard, clapping him on the back before stepping out of the embrace.

  With his hand cupped behind Finn’s head, Theo ducked his own so he had Finn’s full attention. Staring deep into his eyes, Theo said, “You call me if you need anything.”

  “Yes, sir.” Finn nodded. “Thank you for everything.”

  Theo squeezed his nape and reluctantly let him go. He gave me a bolstering smile. “I’ll let you two say goodbye. I’ll wait out in the car for you.”

  I watched as Theo strode away, my stomach churning for many reasons. Theo still hadn’t spoken to Eloise. I didn’t know when he’d gotten home yesterday but Elle was in bed. This morning she’d said goodbye to Finn and then hid in her room, refusing to go to school. Theo wouldn’t talk to her, despite Hayley’s increasing frustration. I think he was glad for the excuse of taking Finn to the airport.

  At least he had to take me back to the house, and hopefully he’d talk to Elle when we returned.

  It was difficult for Finn and me not to be openly angry with Theo. We both were so mad at him for his reaction to Elle. But Finn was also grateful to Theo for all his help, and so was I. The situation was so messed up. It felt impossible to know how we should act.

  Finn had decided to be respectful. His leaving was already hard enough without causing a scene with Theo.

  “Hey.” Finn took hold of my wrist, pulling me out of my musings and toward him.

  And this was the other reason my stomach was churning.

  I was dreading this moment.

  “They’ll work it out. Theo is conservative, but I can’t believe that he’d disown Elle. He loves her.” He rested his forehead against mine. “I can’t believe I’m leaving when she needs me the most.”

  “I’m here for her.” I slid my hands up his back, curling my fingers tight into his shirt. “I promise to look out for her for you.”

  “That’s the only reason I’m getting on this flight. I know she’s in good hands.”

  I smiled and tipped my head back so I could touch my lips to his. As soon as our mouths met, the emotion just exploded out of me, and I sobbed against him.

  He slid one arm around my waist, and his other hand cupped my head to press my face gently against his neck. Embarrassed but unable to control myself, I let it all out, my tears soaking his skin, and my body shuddering against his.

  “India,” he breathed into my ear. “I love you. I’ll never stop loving you.”

  “I—I...” I pulled back, and he let me go but only to cup my face. He wiped away my tears with his thumbs. “I don’t—I—I don’t want you to ever think that I wanted this. If we could have had it all I would have found a way.”

  “I know.” He kissed me, fiercely, so hard it was almost painful. “I would have, too.”

  “We just have to remember this is a good thing.”

  “Right. It is. Doesn’t mean I’m not going to miss the hell out of you.”

  I reached up for another kiss and when I pulled back I whispered against his lips, “You’re my safe place. Florida, Boston, Timbuktu...it doesn’t matter where you are.”

  He squeezed his eyes closed, his tears falling silently. I studied his face, every piece of it, memorizing it even though I knew I’d see it soon when he called.

  Finally he got himself together and he opened his eyes to study me, too. “I’ll call you when I get there,” he said.

  I nodded, speechless against the sobs that were trying to escape out of my throat.

  He kissed me hard, quick, like one more taste was exquisite torture and then he turned and strode away into Security without looking back.

  For a brief moment I wanted to scream. I wanted to give in to the idea that life was cruel and unfair to me, that I’d had too much taken away too young.

  Instead I began to concentrate on just breathing, the simple act calming me down until I could see sense again.

  The truth was I didn’t know whether or not Finn and I would make it. Would we end up together? Have a happily-ever-after?

  Did it even matter?

  We’d changed the course of our futures.

  We’d saved each other.

  I could live with whatever came next because now I had something I hadn’t had a year ago. I now knew there were people like Finn in the world. That was something he gave me, and with that gift he gave me more.

  He gave me faith.

  Hope.

  He gave me the things that would last long after everything else faded to an end.

  CHAPTER 27

  ELOISE AND I sat on the stairs, listening to our parents’ voices rise upward in anger. I imagined we looked like two scared little girls huddled together.

  I felt torn.

  Theo was capable of a lot of kindness, and I would never be able to thank him enough for whatever it was he did to get Finn out of his father’s clutches.

  But his refusal to talk to Eloise was making it hard not to be openly pissed off at him.

  Apparently Hayley was done with his attitude, too.

  After another night of not talking to Elle, Hayley had cornered him the next mo
rning when he’d been trying to escape to work.

  “I can’t believe you’re not even willing to talk to her!” she yelled.

  “How I conduct myself with my daughter is none of your business.”

  “Oh, you made it my business when you married me. And I will not stand by while you make that child feel unloved for just being who she is!”

  “Stop it! Just shut up!”

  “No, I will not shut up. I am telling you right now, I will not stand by and let another man destroy a little girl. If you don’t do the right thing I swear to God I will pack up my stuff and their stuff and take both of those kids away from you so that Eloise never has to deal with your judgment again!”

  “Don’t you threaten me with my daughter!” Theo roared. “No one is taking my daughter away from me! No one!”

  Eloise tensed beside me, and I gripped her hand harder.

  There was an unearthly silence below and finally as we strained to listen we heard Hayley say, “Do you hear yourself? She’s your daughter. You don’t want to lose her. You still want to protect her and love her and that is all that matters here, Theo.”

  “I just...” His voice had gone so quiet I nearly toppled down the stairs I was leaning forward so far. “Losing her mother...her life has been so hard already. I can’t bear the idea of anything making her life harder. This...she’s not ready for how people will treat her.”

  “Maybe not. But I think you have a pretty strong kid. All she needs is for you to love her and support her, no matter who she loves. She’ll be all right, Theo. But she won’t be if she thinks for one second that this changes how much you love her.”

  We heard a choked sound and then Hayley’s soothing mutters of comfort. I glanced at Eloise and watched the tears score silently down her cheeks as she listened to her father cry.

  “Go to him,” I whispered.

  There was still fear in her eyes.

  “Go.”

  On trembling legs my stepsister stood up and very tentatively made her way downstairs.

  I watched her disappear out of sight, wishing Finn were here with us. I knew that it was only the first of many Finn wishes to come.