Unbreak My Heart

  “OHSU,” Mike said as I leaned down to kiss the kids again.

  “They won’t let you in tonight,” Ellie informed me, walking forward as she switched Gunner from one hip to the other. “Visiting hours are over, and they’re strict about that stuff. Kate needs to rest.”

  “They’ll make an exception,” I argued as the kids began to chatter, trying to get my attention.

  “They won’t.” Ellie shook her head. “Kate’s exhausted, Shane. This is the only way they know she’ll rest.”

  My whole body felt wired, and I fidgeted as I tried to figure out what I was supposed to do.

  “Take tonight with the kids, son,” Mike ordered, reaching out to squeeze my shoulder. “They’ve missed you like crazy. You can see Katie in the morning.”

  “Daddy, look!” Sage yelled, pointing to a space in her mouth where she’d lost a tooth. “I got four bucks for it!” She did a little, excited dance.

  I felt torn between rushing to the hospital to see Kate and spending some much-needed time with my children. I didn’t want to leave them. We had months to make up for.

  “Whoa! The Tooth Fairy must be having a good year,” I replied, poking Sage in the side until she giggled.

  Ellie came closer, and I reached out to rub Gunner’s back gently, my decision made. “Hey, Gunner,” I said softly. “How you doin’, bud?”

  He watched me with curious eyes.

  “Want to say hi, Gunner?” Ellie asked.

  “Hi.” His voice was raspier than I remembered from the few words he’d said before I left, and my chest tightened. I’d missed so much.

  “Hi!” I smiled. “Want to come hang out with me and the other kids?”

  I stuck my hands out and waited for what felt like forever before he finally leaned away from Ellie and reached for me.

  He was smaller than Keller and Gavin had been at that age. Both my older boys had been built like tanks from the very beginning, but Gunner was more streamlined. Tall and lanky. I clenched my jaw and kissed his forehead as he watched me closely.

  I remembered this moment with Sage and Gavin. They’d both been so little when I left on deployments that they hadn’t remembered me when I got home, but thankfully little kids seemed to adapt pretty fast. I didn’t think Gunner would be any different. It would just take a few days for him to grow used to me.

  I don’t think I’d ever been as happy to be home as I was in that moment.

  “Okay, kiddos,” I announced, looking between the little bodies jumping around the entryway. “Tell me what you’ve been up to while I’ve been gone.”

  Chapter 10

  Kate

  I sat back down in my hospital bed and started brushing out my wet hair. God, I hated the hospital.

  I missed the kids. I missed sleeping deeply. I missed my mom’s cooking and the smell of summer outside.

  I hadn’t been in the hospital very long, and the doctors said they only wanted me to stay one more day, since I was almost full term, but I was going stir-crazy. Shane was coming home soon, and my anxiety was building as I prepared for the day he’d get home and realize that we were still in Oregon.

  When we’d first arrived at my parents’ house, I’d cried in relief. I’d just been so unbelievably tired. And for the first couple of weeks after that, I’d felt like a new person. With our families around, I’d had far less to do and more time to do it. Everyone pitched in with the kids so I could work during the day instead of late at night. I hadn’t had to bend over the bathtub anymore to give the kids baths because my mom or Aunt Ellie did it, which meant my back wasn’t killing me when I crawled into bed at night.

  It had felt like for the first time since Shane had left, I’d been able to relax.

  I’d needed that break.

  But as I’d slowly prepared myself to go back to California with my little monsters, taking over their day-to-day needs from the other women, my body had begun to protest. It was as if, once I slowed down and my body realized it was possible, it wouldn’t let me go back to the way things had been.

  I began to have contractions, and the doctors put me on bed rest.

  The window for making it back to California before I had the baby was closed, but I couldn’t tell Shane that. Instead, I’d ignored the questions in his emails and avoided that conversation when he called.

  I didn’t want him to worry when he was halfway around the world, especially when that worry could distract him…I also didn’t want to make him angry. We’d grown so close over the last six months that I dreaded anything that would upset the fragile balance we’d found.

  He hadn’t told me not to go to Oregon, but he also hadn’t been happy about it. If he’d known that we were stuck there, I wasn’t sure how he’d react.

  I was setting my brush down on the bedside table when the door to my room slowly opened but no one greeted me.

  “What’s—Shane?”

  I couldn’t believe my eyes.

  There he was. Tan and healthy and strong, standing in the doorway to my hospital room. My heart raced.

  “How’re you feeling?” he asked as he finally stepped inside and let the door swing shut behind him.

  “I feel fine,” I answered with a surprised smile and a roll of my eyes. “No contractions for the last twelve hours, but they want to be careful. How are you here?”

  I knew better than to hop from the bed and run to him, but I could barely hold myself back as he froze inside the doorway. The longer he stood there, the more awkward things became, until finally I felt my hands begin to tremble.

  I thought I’d have time to prepare before I saw him, and now that the time had come, I felt out of place in my own hospital room. I was extremely aware of my ugly hospital gown and swollen feet. My stomach felt rounder and more conspicuous, and I hated that my hair was wet and brushed haphazardly away from my face.

  “You should have told me,” he suddenly stated.

  “Why, so you could just worry? I’m fine.” I shook my head. “The baby is fine, the kids are fine, everything was handled.”

  “I left you in charge,” he said quietly. His tone making me freeze. “You didn’t think I deserved to know that they weren’t with the person I’d left them with, but that Ellie and Mike were taking care of my kids while I was gone?”

  “I—I didn’t—”

  “You don’t get to make unilateral decisions about my children, Kate. That’s above your pay grade.”

  He was calm, and his voice never rose, but I felt like I’d been slapped.

  “I apologize,” I replied. “The decision was made with the best intentions. I didn’t want you to worry, and I’ve seen the kids every day I’ve been here. Either my mom or Ellie drives them in.”

  I squirmed on the bed, a sense of dread filling me as I felt my abdomen grow tight. Time to lie down on my side like the doctors advised.

  I didn’t meet his eyes as I pulled my legs up and under the blankets, but I saw him come closer out of the corner of my eye as I shoved a pillow between my knees and finally relaxed my head into the pillow.

  “I knew you did what you thought was best, Kate,” Shane finally said, coming to sit on the edge of the bed. “You sure everything’s okay with the baby?”

  “Yeah. They’re going to let me go home tomorrow.”

  “That’s good.”

  “I missed you,” I whispered, trying to call forth the Shane I’d been speaking to for the last few months. He wasn’t acting like my Shane, and that scared me, because I remembered how Rachel’s Shane treated me. Like I was invisible.

  “Sage and Keller’s school starts next week,” he informed me, ignoring my words.

  “I know.” I grimaced. I didn’t know what the hell I was going to do—

  “So I’m going to take the kids back with me to San Diego.” Suddenly I felt like I couldn’t breathe. “I know you can’t fly right now, and I’m sorry you can’t come with us.”

  “What?” He had to be kidding.

  “They need t
o get back into their normal routine before school starts up again. Especially Keller.”

  His voice was kind, so kind, but his eyes were blank. I didn’t move as he watched me, but I couldn’t speak, either. I didn’t think I could say anything without yelling or, worse, bawling my eyes out.

  What was he doing? And why the fuck did he think he knew anything about the kids’ routine? I was the one who knew their routine. I was the one who knew what they needed to fall asleep. Me.

  My worst fear had been realized. He was taking them away from me, and there was nothing I could do about it.

  “Why?” I asked when I could finally speak. “You’re that mad about me not telling you I was in the hospital?”

  “No.” He rubbed his hand over his face. “I have to go back, Kate. I have the next couple of days off, but my CO doesn’t even know I flew to Oregon.”

  “Okay, well, when can you get leave? Can’t you just—”

  “They belong with me, Katie. I’m their dad.”

  “And I’m nothing?”

  “I didn’t say that.”

  “That’s what you’re insinuating.”

  “Don’t put words in my mouth. I know you’re important to them!” he finally exploded, losing his control and standing from the bed. “But you’re not their parent!”

  My eyes slammed shut, and I jerked backward at the venom in his words.

  “Hey, what’s all the yelling about?” my brother Bram called out, walking into the room. “I could hear you guys all the way outside.”

  “It’s nothing,” I answered immediately, not willing to let my overprotective big brother into the middle of it.

  “Hey, Bram,” Shane said, his voice again calm.

  “Dickhead,” Bram answered with a nod. “Glad you made it back.”

  “Bram, don’t be an ass,” I hissed. God, he got on my nerves sometimes.

  “It’s fine. I’m gonna go,” Shane said.

  “Wait, you just got here!”

  “I should probably go get the kids.”

  “Our mom’s already on her way up here with the kids,” Bram cut in with a nasty smile. “You’ll pass her on the highway.”

  “Then I’m going to go grab a cup of coffee,” Shane mumbled before leaving the room.

  I stared at my brother in irritation as he watched Shane walk away.

  “Did you really have to be an ass? You couldn’t have just behaved like a normal person?” I asked, trying to control the tears of panic that I could feel building behind my eyes.

  “I was willing to let the fucker keep his head, that is until I heard him yelling at you from down the hall.”

  “He wasn’t yelling.”

  “You’re too forgiving.”

  “You don’t forgive anyone!”

  “And no one takes advantage of me, do they?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. “Brought you a donut from Joe’s.”

  “Thanks.”

  “You want to talk about it?” He handed me a small paper sack holding what I knew would be a maple bar from our favorite donut shop.

  “He’s taking the kids back to California,” I said, my voice reed-thin.

  “What the fuck?” He looked as shocked as I felt. “Don’t let him!”

  “There’s nothing I can do, Bram.”

  “Fuck that. I’ll—”

  “Don’t,” I warned, placing my donut on the table next to me. “It’s not your fight.”

  “It’s been my fight since I was ten years old.”

  “And I love you for it, but there’s nothing you can do this time. Not without making everything worse.”

  My mom shuffled through the door a few minutes later, a little gaggle of Andersons following in her wake like ducklings, and I had to clench my jaw against the urge to cry.

  “Annie!” Gunner yelled as my mom set him on the bed. He hadn’t yet mastered the t sound in Auntie. “Annie. Annie. Annie.” He lay down next to me and curled around my belly, tucking his head into the space between my drawn-down chin and my chest.

  “He’s been asking for you all morning,” my mom informed me with a smile. “How you feeling?”

  “Fine,” I whispered shakily, pulling Gunner toward me as I watched Keller and Sage fight over the only chair in the room while Gavin showed something in his hands to Bram.

  What the hell was I going to do?

  * * *

  Shane picked me up the next morning after I’d been discharged, and we made the silent and strained trip back to my parents’ house. I wasn’t sure why he was silent. He was the one who’d pulled the rug out from under me. I also wasn’t sure why he’d offered to pick me up, instead of my mom like we’d planned.

  “We’re leaving at four,” Shane said, finally breaking the silence between us as he turned the car onto my parents’ driveway. “Our flight leaves at six thirty.”

  “Seriously?”

  “I have to be home in case I get called in. I’ve been lucky so far,” he replied quietly.

  “So, that’s it?” I huffed out a derisive laugh. “What are you going to do with the kids while you work?”

  “Megan said she can keep them until I find a daycare.”

  “You’re putting them in daycare instead of leaving them with their family who loves them,” I said flatly as we rolled to a stop in front of the house. “Good move.”

  “They belong with me, and I live in California.”

  “There’s nothing I can do to change your mind, is there?” I asked desperately.

  Shane shook his head once, his jaw flexing.

  “Fine.” I stared out the windshield for a long moment after he put the car in park. I didn’t know what to do with myself. It felt like there was a hole in my chest that was spreading, leaving a path of destruction in its wake.

  “Thank you so much for taking care of them for me—” I threw my door open and climbed out of the car so I didn’t have to listen to his bullshit.

  “I’ve got it,” I hissed as Shane rushed around the car to grip my elbow. “Don’t.”

  “Kate—” he said, his voice strained.

  “No. You don’t get to do this and then act like everything’s fine.”

  “You’re on bed rest! It’s not like you can take care—”

  “Sis?” Bram called out from the front door, walking toward us. “You need some help?”

  I turned to my brother, who was practically vibrating with tension. He was trying, I knew he was, but it was taking a toll on him to sit back and do nothing when he knew I was hurting. My protector.

  When Alex and Bram had come to our family, I’d been curious to see how two boys who looked so incredibly similar would compare. We hadn’t known then that my parents would adopt them—that came two years later—but as far as I’d been concerned, they were my brothers as soon as they stepped foot in the house—and I’d been almost giddy that I had two for the proverbial price of one.

  I soon came to realize that, though the boys were twins, they were as different as chalk and cheese. Alex became my confidant. He was understanding, and calm, and willing to listen to anything I said. Bram? Well, he didn’t care what an eight-year-old girl had to say. He hadn’t really wanted to bother with me at all. I’d been convinced that he just didn’t like me until one day when I’d accidentally walked into a blackberry bush and scratched a deep groove into my eyelid. I’d been screaming, stumbling around as blood ran into my eye and partially blinded me, when Bram came running. He’d been bigger than me, even then, and had picked me up and carried me all the way home.

  I’d known then that, though Bram wasn’t interested in my day-to-day drama, he wouldn’t hesitate if he thought I’d needed him. He was the most solid man I knew. Stalwart. Loyal. And he wanted to beat the hell out of the man standing next to me.

  “Help me inside?” I asked tremulously. Shane made a small sound of protest in the back of his throat.

  “Yeah, no problem,” Bram said, hopping down off the porch and scooping me into his arms to carry me bridal-s
tyle. “Kids are waiting for you inside.”

  * * *

  “You guys are going to go back to San Diego with your dad,” I tried to explain to the older kids for what felt like the twentieth time that afternoon. The only one who seemed completely okay with the situation was Gunner, who sat oblivious, snacking on a small bowl of marshmallows. I swear it was the only way I could keep the kid still for more than a few minutes at a time. I’d figured it out months ago and had used the trick to keep him quiet and happy during Shane’s Skype calls.

  “What are you going to do?” Sage asked in confusion.

  “I have to stay here, Sage the Rage. I can’t fly. I’m not even supposed to get out of bed.”

  “We should stay too then,” Keller said, a small scowl on his face. “We shouldn’t leave you here by yourself.”

  “I’ll be okay. I have my mom and your grandma to take care of me,” I told him, my eyes watering.

  “I don’t wanna go back.”

  “You start kindergarten next week, bud. You don’t want to start later than everyone else, do you?”

  “We could go to school here,” Sage interrupted excitedly. “We could ride the bus.”

  I glanced up to where Shane stood in the doorway to my room and flinched at the misery in his eyes.

  “You have to go with your daddy, sweetheart,” I told her gently. “He’s missed you guys.”

  “But you’ll miss us!” Keller said, turning to his dad. “She’ll miss us if we leave her.”

  “I know, bud,” Shane said consolingly, “but she’ll come—”

  “She can’t move or Iris will come out!” Keller yelled back, his whole body shaking with sudden fury. “She has to stay in bed!”

  “It’s not forever, baby,” I tried to calm him down.

  “Iris?” Shane asked.

  “That’s the baby’s name,” Sage informed him. “It’s a flower, and it only has four letters, like mine!”

  “Awesome.” Shane smiled.

  “I’m not going,” Keller announced, his voice trembling. “I’m staying here with Auntie Kate.”

  Gavin had been sitting quietly, watching everything unfold, but at Keller’s announcement he started crying.