Unbreak My Heart

  “Stop calling me stupid before I beat your ass.”

  “You can try, jarhead. Not sure you’d succeed.”

  “Get the fuck out of my house. I don’t have to deal with this shit.”

  “Oh, I’m not done.” Alex’s body never moved from his relaxed position on the chair even though mine was practically vibrating with suppressed anger.

  “I’m done,” I announced.

  “Did you know that Kate practically lived with Rachel while you were on deployment?” he asked conversationally.

  “What?”

  “Yeah, the moment you stepped foot out the door, Rachel was calling Katie to come over and help her.”

  “No she wasn’t.” I tried to remember the phone calls and emails from Rachel on my previous deployments, but they’d already started to fade from my memory.

  “Yeah, man, she was,” Alex said softly. “Rachel wasn’t good at being alone, you know? Not sure if you’re oblivious or she just hid that shit really well, but Rachel—she was a good girl, don’t get me wrong—but she used Kate for years.”

  “You’re wrong,” I argued, shaking my head.

  “I’m right, man, and if you think back, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. Kate moved here for Rachel. She could do her job anywhere, so why wouldn’t she stay in Oregon with her family? She set things aside, and moved things around, and was at your wife’s side for years while you were off on deployment after deployment. She didn’t keep a boyfriend beyond a month or two because they saw that shit and either couldn’t deal or tried to talk to Kate about it and she dropped them. She practically raised your kids, man.”

  “Oh my God.”

  “Don’t get me wrong, Kate loved it.” He sighed tiredly and shook his head. “She’d do anything for her friends, and she fell in love with Sage the first moment she saw her. Hell, I think she was the first one to ever even hold Gavin. She loves those kids, and if I asked her, I think she’d say that she wouldn’t change one minute of the last nine years. Which is crazy fucked up because when you were home? She lost all that. See, Rachel didn’t need her anymore. She had you, right?”

  “Stop,” I ordered, holding up my hand. I was trying to remember something Keller had said to me last year. What had he said?

  “In one way or another you’ve been controlling her life and happiness for almost half her life, you self-important prick. It’s always been you. She fucking revolves around you, like you’re the sun or some shit,” Alex growled in frustration. “And now, when she’s pregnant with your child, you take her kids and leave her?”

  “They’re not her—”

  “You finish that sentence and I’ll knock you the fuck out,” he cut in before finishing his beer and setting the can down on the coffee table. “I guess she should be used to it by now, right? You’re home from deployment, only makes sense that she’s out on her ass again.”

  “Now we get to see Auntie Kate every day. I like it when we see her every day…I never wanted you to leave though, Daddy. Even though we didn’t get to see Auntie Kate…I like it when you’re here.”

  Keller’s words finally came back to me, and I dropped my head to my hands. “Jesus Christ.”

  “Look, man, Kate wouldn’t thank me for coming here and telling you all of this—”

  “Then why are you here?” I asked in frustration, looking up to meet his eyes.

  “Because she’s at the hospital, about to give birth to your daughter, and since I was already on my way west, I thought someone should tell you in person.”

  “Fuck!” I stood from my seat and looked around the room in a panic. “She’s not due for weeks.”

  “I can stay here with the kids, if you want. Drive them up in the morning—I came out to visit a couple of months ago, so they know who I am.” He stood and stretched his lanky body. “If not, I’ll just grab a flight and head up myself.”

  “No! No, I’ll just—” I looked around the room in confusion. “I just need to call my CO and make sure I can get my time, and, um…”

  “Go get it done, man. I’ll find you a flight.”

  He walked toward his bag and pulled out a laptop as I raced quietly up the stairs. I needed to get to Kate. I should have never left her up there.

  My mind raced and so did my heart as I emptied the bag on my bed and began to repack it while dialing my commanding officer.

  There had been too many revelations in one night. I couldn’t keep up or reconcile Alex’s memories with my own.

  Had Rachel really treated Kate like that? How had I never noticed? How had I missed something so huge? Had Sage and Keller talked about Kate more than I’d realized? By the way Alex had explained it, she’d been like another parent to them, and I’d never known.

  I couldn’t think about all of that then. I needed to get to Oregon. I could figure everything else out after I got to Kate.

  * * *

  I’d barely made it a few feet into the waiting room when I got knocked on my ass by a sucker punch to the jaw.

  “What the fuck?”

  “Get the fuck out of here,” Bram ordered, pointing toward the door.

  “Abraham, knock it off!” Kate’s dad, Dan, ordered in a gruff voice. “This is not the time or the place, son.”

  “I’ll fucking kill you,” Bram said quietly as his dad stood up from his seat. “Watch your back.”

  “Is she okay?” I asked the room as Bram stalked away and I climbed to my feet.

  “Everything went really well,” Ellie assured me as she walked toward me. “Mom and baby are doing good.”

  “She’s already here?” I asked, my voice cracking as disappointment filled me.

  “About an hour ago, sweetheart,” Ellie said sympathetically, reaching up to give me a hug.

  “Fuck.”

  “You want to go see them?”

  “Yeah.”

  I followed Ellie down the hall but stopped short when we reached the door for Kate’s room. My palms were sweating, and it felt like I had a boulder pressing on my chest. I didn’t know if I could go in there.

  But when Ellie opened up the door, my feet moved forward without conscious thought, bringing me toward the two figures lying quietly on the bed.

  “Katie?” I called softly as her mom stood up from her place next to the bed and followed Ellie back out of the room. “I’m here, baby.”

  Her eyes were closed as I reached out and rubbed my fingertips over her hair. She looked so worn out. Her eyes and lips were swollen, and she had little red dots all over her cheeks where the capillaries must have burst during labor. So beautiful.

  It had always been Kate. My hands shook as the truth seeped into my pores. It had been her since I was just a stupid kid.

  “Don’t touch me,” she said shakily, finally opening her eyes. “Get out.”

  “Katie, I—”

  “Where are my children?” she asked, her eyes foggy from medication.

  “They’re in Calif—”

  Her arms tightened around our daughter as if she was afraid I was going to snatch her away. “Get out.”

  “Katiebear, I’m so sorry.”

  “I hate you,” she whispered, her eyes filling with tears. “I wish you were dead because then I could have my children back.”

  I stumbled away from the bed, horrified, and watched as she fell asleep as if I’d never even been there.

  Jesus Christ, what had I done?

  Chapter 13

  Kate

  Time to get you dressed, sweet girl,” I cooed into Iris’s sleeping face as I lay her on my hospital bed. “We don’t have our own house yet, but you’re going to like Grandma’s house. Your brothers and sister love it there.”

  Dressing a newborn is a lot like dressing an octopus: Their little limbs are so bendy that trying to push them through the tiny holes is a test in patience—not to mention the floppy neck and the head that’s completely out of proportion.

  “Don’t worry, Iris, you’ll grow into that head just li
ke Keller did,” I mumbled, pulling her little stocking cap on gently. “I can’t say I would have complained if your head was a little smaller, but hey, we got through it, didn’t we?”

  My labor had gone fast. I’d been almost fully dilated by the time my parents had gotten me to the hospital, but I’d pushed for hours before she finally slid into the world. I’d lost my mind halfway through it, and my face heated as I remembered the things I’d shouted at my poor family when I’d reached my breaking point.

  I would have thought that I’d be embarrassed that my dad and Bram stayed in the room while I was giving birth, but I’d been oddly okay with it. The room had been freaking packed. Mom, Ani, and Aunt Ellie had been in the thick of things, but Dad and Bram had stayed in the room…near my head. I don’t think they wanted to see my downstairs any more than I’d wanted them to.

  They just hadn’t wanted to leave me, no matter how messy things got. I couldn’t fault them for that, though I think Bram would have dealt with things much better if he’d stayed in the waiting room. At times, I’d thought he was going to burst out of his clothes like the Hulk and tear the room apart.

  I smiled as I picked Iris up and shuffled over to her car seat. I’d planned on using Gunner’s old infant seat, but that plan had been obviously nixed since it was still in the garage in California. My breath hitched.

  I missed Sage, Keller, Gavin, and Gunner more than I’d ever thought possible. It didn’t feel like I’d only seen them the afternoon before. It felt like I hadn’t seen them in weeks. Maybe it was the distance between us. It wasn’t as if I could just drive to them, especially with the little bean I was currently buckling into her seat.

  “Hey, sis. You almost ready to go?” Bram asked as he walked into our room.

  “What are you doing here? I thought Mom was picking me up,” I said with a wide smile. My brother looked like he hadn’t slept or showered since the night before, his beard and hair wild around his face like a mountain man.

  “Yeah, well, I thought it would be better if I got you guys. How’s my girl?”

  “She’s just fine. They had to poke and prod at her earlier—which she was pissed about—but after a little food, she passed out. It reminded me of Dad.”

  Bram scoffed. “She’s too pretty to remind anyone of that wrinkly old man.”

  “Don’t let him hear you say that!”

  “I’ll deny it,” he replied with a smile, lifting Iris’s seat. “All set?”

  “Yep. Let me grab my bag.”

  “I’ll get it,” he argued, pulling it from my hands and slinging it over his shoulder. “You’re moving like an old woman. I’m guessing you’re, ah, sore.” His face reddened, and I laughed.

  “Yep. Sore is one word for it.”

  “I’d imagine stitches, ah—”

  “Let’s just leave it at that, shall we?” I cut in, chuckling.

  “Yep. Let’s go. I brought my truck; I figured that way we could see her while we drive. Plus, you know, it’s big as a tank.”

  “Mom’s car would have worked fine,” I snorted. “But the truck works, too.”

  The drive back to my parents felt like it took forever, especially when Iris began to scream about twenty minutes from home.

  “What’s wrong?” Bram yelled frantically over the noise.

  “I think she’s just hungry,” I called back, between shushing noises. “Just keep going. We’re almost there, and then I can feed her.”

  Iris’s face turned beet red, and the screaming continued. By the time we reached the long driveway to the house, Bram and I were wound so tightly it felt like both of us would snap at the slightest provocation.

  The minute he stopped the car, I was unbuckling Iris from her seat and pulling her against my chest.

  “Shhh. Good grief, sis, you’re going to lose your voice at this rate,” I said quietly into her ear while she sobbed.

  “I’ll get the stuff. You just take her inside,” Bram said, opening my door and helping me out of the truck.

  “Thanks for picking me up, brother.”

  “Of course.”

  I smiled at the sight of the front porch. There were pink and purple balloons tied to every single post and even the railings of the porch swing.

  My mom was standing in the doorway with an odd look on her face, but I didn’t pause as I moved toward her. I needed to change Iris and get a nipple in her mouth, pronto.

  “Katiebear—”

  “Talk while we walk, Ma. She’s been screaming for the last twenty minutes.”

  “You have a visitor—” she began as I stopped short at the entry to the living room.

  My heart began to race and I smiled gleefully. “Are the kids here?” I asked, looking between Shane and my dad, who seemed to be facing off across the room from each other. “Where are they?”

  “No,” Shane rasped, his eyes on Iris. “I didn’t—”

  “Get the fuck out,” I cut in flatly, my heart sinking.

  “Katie—”

  “Don’t call me Katie,” I ordered before turning to my mom. “I’m going to feed her in my room.”

  I walked away.

  “Kate!”

  “She doesn’t want to see you,” I heard Bram growl behind me.

  “We need to talk!”

  I ignored Shane and continued to my room at the back of the house as tears fell down my face. I just wanted my kids.

  * * *

  “You can’t ignore him forever,” Anita chastised, rocking Iris back and forth while I got dressed. God, I was still swollen and tender from giving birth, and the stitches the doctor had given me itched like crazy.

  “I don’t want to see him.”

  “He should be able to see Iris, at least.”

  “He’s seen her.”

  “He hasn’t even held her yet.”

  “Yeah, well, he’s a dick, and I don’t want her contaminated.”

  “Look, I’m the first one who’d string him up in a tree out back…but shit, sis. This isn’t you.”

  “What isn’t?” I asked while gently pulling on a nursing bra. My boobs had grown even more massive, and they felt almost hot to the touch. My milk still hadn’t come in, but the nurses told me that it should only be a couple of days. I hoped the girls would feel a little less like bowling balls when that happened; that shit was getting ridiculous.

  “You, ignoring Shane. I know you’re mad, but nothing is going to get settled if you won’t even talk to him. You have no idea what he wants to say. Maybe he wants to let the kids live up here with you, but you’ll have no idea if you won’t even be in the same room with him.”

  “I highly doubt he’ll let his children live with their aunt in another state. Get real.”

  “You have no idea what he wants, Katiebear. That’s what I’m saying. If he sinceriously wants to work something out, don’t you want to?”

  “Sinceriously?”

  “What?”

  “That isn’t even a word.”

  “Yes it is.”

  “Since when?”

  “Since the hot guy from Arrow said it was. Stop changing the subject. He’s been here for two days. You need to talk to him.”

  “Fine,” I grumbled. “But I’m taking Iris with me.”

  I walked gingerly to Ani and grabbed my daughter from her aunt.

  “How dare you steal that baby from her aunt!” Ani scolded.

  “Really?” I asked, aghast.

  “Too soon?”

  “Yeah, way too soon. Asshole.”

  I left the room as she snickered, and I hid my smile. Anita had always been a bit rough around the edges, but she’d be the first person to have your back in a fight, whether it was physical or verbal. She came to our family so late in our childhoods that I knew she felt a little out of the loop, but I’d always considered her my sister…even when she made completely inappropriate jokes. Eventually, she’d figure that out, too.

  “Kate,” Shane said, standing from my parents’ kitchen table.
br />   “Et tu, Brute?” I asked my dad, who was still seated. “I didn’t know you shared a table with douchebags.”

  “That’s disgusting, Katie,” my dad replied.

  “Not actual douche—oh forget it.” I shook my head. “What do you want, Shane?”

  “I wanted to talk to you,” Shane said hesitantly, his gaze darting between me and my dad.

  “I’ll just go find your mother,” my dad announced, using his hands braced on the table to rise from his seat. “Gimme my granddaughter.”

  “I just got her back,” I protested as he gently took her from me.

  “You need to have this out,” he whispered back, kissing my cheek before walking away.

  “Well?” I asked, crossing my arms. “Talk.”

  “Kate—” Shane rubbed his hands over his scruffy face. “I thought I was doing the right thing—”

  “Yeah, we’re done here,” I mumbled, shaking my head.

  “Listen!” he snapped, jerking to his feet. “God, just listen for a second, would you?”

  “What the hell else is there to say? I’ve given you everything, Shane,” I yelled back, my hands fisting. “I took your shit like I was thankful for the fertilizer! I took care of everything so you wouldn’t worry. Even when you were gone, even when you acted like you’d never known me. What the hell else could you want from me at this point?”

  “I just want another chance,” he answered quietly. “I just want to make things right.”

  “You want to make things right?” Bram scoffed from the doorway to the kitchen, startling me. I turned to find him fiddling with his phone.

  He walked toward us and slid his phone across the table as my mom’s voice started to play from the speakers.

  “You’re doing so good, sis. Just a couple more pushes!”

  “I can’t,” I sobbed. “Where’s Shane?”

  “Baby, we went over this. You know Shane’s not here.”

  “I want Shane,” I begged desperately. “Please. Go get Shane, I want Shane. Go get him. Bram, where’s Shane?”

  My mom’s voice murmured something unintelligible, but it didn’t seem to have an effect.

  “Please. I don’t want to. I’m too tired. I want Shane. Get Shane, Mama. Please.”