Commitment Phobia (Journey Back Home 1)

  Eileen smiled and said "I'm the one who's sorry, my darling. I told you I would help however I can, except..."

  Erica interrupted by finishing her mother's thought, "I know. I won't bring him up, okay?"

  "I loved those boys and have missed them. I'd like to know about them if you find out, okay?" her Mom asked.

  "Oh, I'll find out," Erica vowed, "one bite at a time."

  Again, Eileen had no idea what that meant, but smiled and let it go.

  Less than a day after resending her friend requests she got a message from Nathan, "My sister, Erica?"

  Erica simply responded, "Yes."

  Nathan sent back the message, "Dad always said you would try to find us. Wow, can't believe it's you. Wait till I tell Jesse."

  Well, at least they aren't in jail, Erica thought. She was again surprised at how happy the communication had made her feel. He had called her "sister" as if he had been waiting all this time to reunite.

  The underlying feeling of abandonment she had always carried seemed to lift just a little. It also pleased her that he seemed close to his brother.

  "Isn't that a good sign?" she asked Peter when she shared the message later that night.

  Nathan had included all his contact information in his message including his e-mail, Skype ID, cell phone number, and mailing address. Now the ball was in her court.

  "What do you want to do?" asked Peter.

  "Take another bite," answered Erica with conviction.

  Over the course of the next few weeks, Erica had many communications from both Nathan and Jesse. She learned a lot about her brother's lives, their work and families.

  Nathan was a PGA golf pro, a teaching pro in Naples, at one of the nicer country clubs. He had a girlfriend who was a Gap model and apparently very smart as well as beautiful.

  When she had asked Jesse if he thought Nathan was serious about this girl, Jesse had responded in good humor, "As serious as Nathan can be I guess. He says PGA stands for 'Prostitution, Gambling, and Alcohol' and he takes it pretty seriously."

  Jesse was married to a beautiful woman and had one daughter and another on the way. His wife was a graphic artist and worked from home. He had gone to college to play baseball and had coached girls' softball for a few years after graduating. Now he worked at his brother's club and enjoyed his wife, his daughter, and life in general.

  Both boys sensed Erica's sensitivity where their father was concerned and made a point not to push him on her. They were firm believers in "one step at a time." They felt they needed this time to get to know their sister and the time would come for their father to be introduced if and when she was ready.

  At one point Jesse did tell her that they had tried to find her; that their dad had hired an attorney on at least two occasions.

  He told her that the first time the lawyer had taken Dad's money only to report the trail had gone cold. They were never really sure he had done anything at all.

  The second one had found Erica and had spoken to her mom. The female lawyer had told their father that Erica was well taken care of. That she was loved and secure and in a good environment. That her step-father seemed to be a good man that took excellent care of her.

  The lawyer asked Dad if he really wanted to barge in now and introduce the kind of emotional distress it would cause. Their father had decided that he had caused enough pain and decided that knowing she was okay was enough.

  He didn't want to introduce any more confusion and conflict.

  "I just thought you should know that," Jesse had said, and never brought it up again.

  Chapter Eight

  BOTH BOYS HAD a lot of pictures on their Facebook pages. It was amazing how much all three siblings looked alike, even though they had different mothers.

  There were several pictures posted of their father over the years and there was no doubt who all three resembled. Nathan, in particular, looked like their father. Actually, Nathan and Erica looked more alike than Nathan and Jesse, which Erica thought odd.

  There were pictures of the boys and their father whitewater rafting in Costa Rica, at Jesse's wedding, graduations, and birthdays. There were also pictures of a couple, whom Erica learned were Tasha and Yuriy from Ukraine, a couple their dad had befriended on a cruise and brought to the United States. They had lived with him for five years. They were all friends and all lived in Naples.

  Jesse told Erica that Dad had married Tasha to help them stay in America. Tasha and Yuriy had come with Dad to Jesse's wedding and Jesse said it was so much fun introducing Tasha, who was 22 and stunningly beautiful-she had been a model-as his step-mother to all his friends.

  The more Erica learned about her brothers and their lives, the more confusing it became for her. During one conversation with Nathan, he said something unusual.

  He said that they had a lot more in common. He had said that Erica grew up not knowing her father and that he had grown up without knowing his mother. That she had died the day he was born.

  Later, talking to Peter about that conversation, she had asked him if he thought losing her brother's mother in childbirth had anything to do with why her father had left them when her mother had gotten pregnant.

  "Makes you wonder, huh?" Peter had said. "But I don't think there's a single easy answer to why what happened, happened. I think there's probably a lot more we don't know.

  "I read a quote one time that has stuck with me. 'Human beings like to give simple explanations for complex behaviors.' I think that applies here, don't you? I don't think it's simple at all. Let me ask you something - are you disappointed their not being drug addicts or in jail?"

  Erica responded strongly, "No! I think Jesse and Nate are great guys. I'm happy to have two good guys for brothers. I'm happy for them and happy they're in my life."

  "Okay." Peter prodded further, "Are you pissed that he was a good father to them and not to you?"

  Erica thought for a moment before answering, "I had a good father - no, I have a good father. John King has been my father since I can remember."

  "Yeah," Peter mused, "and your biological father knew that. It was a tough call on his part and really unselfish, don't you think? "

  Erica quietly said, "I'll never forgive him for what he did to my mother. Never."

  THE WEEKS WENT by and the end of the semester was looming near.

  Jesse's second daughter, Phoebe Marie, was born, joining her sister, Sophia Rose.

  Nathan broke up with his model girlfriend. The exact reason was sketchy but had something to do with gambling and money. Nathan didn't seem too fazed by it.

  Erica and Peter were busy studying for finals and making plans for their summer expedition.

  Erica and her mom had spent several hours discussing what Erica should do over the two months in Florida. She had made tentative plans with Jesse and Nathan. They had planned to wait two weeks to allow Erica and Peter time to settle into their apartment, and let Peter get oriented to his program.

  Then Nathan, Jesse and Jesse's wife, Rose, and daughters planned to come down to Key West for a week's vacation with Erica and Peter. During their second month in Florida, Erica was to go to Naples and spend a week with the guys.

  Eileen insisted that setting up housekeeping and living full time with Peter, meeting her brothers for the first time, and exploring a new place - especially a tropical paradise - should be enough.

  She told Erica that the last few weeks had been stressful enough with school, Peter, and reconnecting with her brothers. Eileen strongly recommended that Erica not try to also work, but should try to relax and use the time to heal.

  Erica had no difficulty with the suggestion, especially when her Mom told her that she had been putting the child support away in savings for her, so she could draw on that money instead of working.

  Here was one more little piece of information that came as a surprise. Erica wondered how much more had been kept secret from her.

  Jesse had posted new pictures
of his new daughter on Facebook. Erica was trying to study for exams, but her mind kept wandering to the upcoming events in her life so she went to Facebook to see what was up with her brothers.

  The baby sure was cute and she thought Phoebe actually looked a little like Erica did as a baby. That thought made her smile.

  I'm an aunt twice now, she realized.

  There was one picture of an old man with thinning, patchy hair sitting in one of those oversized hospital recliner chairs with an intravenous line hooked up to him. The old man holding Phoebe had Sophia sitting on his lap and looked happy but sick.

  She would have to remember to ask Jesse next time who the old man was. It probably was a relative of Jesse's wife, or maybe a family friend.

  Chapter Nine

  "THAT'S DAD," JESSE said simply.

  "Our father?" asked Erica. "It doesn't look like him."

  "He's sick," was all Jesse offered.

  "Sick with what?" asked Erica.

  "A bad liver." Jesse answered. "He's getting chemo in the picture. I thought the girls would cheer him up. As you can see in the picture, they did."

  "From drinking?" asked Erica.

  Jesse laughed and said "That's what everyone thinks at first, but no. Dad never drank and never smoked. It turns out he got hepatitis in Viet Nam and never knew it. Now, almost forty years later, it came back to bite him in the ass."

  "Is he okay?" Erica asked hesitantly, not sure if she really cared and yet needing to know.

  "Yeah, he's doing okay. The treatments make him sick as shit, but seem to be working," her brother answered.

  "Will he live?" she asked.

  "Don't know yet, jury's still out. The treatments might kill him though. The chemo kills good cells as well as the bad ones so he goes on Wednesday to get shots to boost his red blood cells and white blood cells so he can get the treatments on Friday. He spends all weekend sick as shit with fevers, vomiting, and diarrhea. But by Monday or Tuesday, he can go back to work."

  "He's working through this?" Erica asked incredulously.

  "Yeah, the clinic he practices for has been great. He comes in to help out when he can as an extra hand. Dad's a hard ass - he says if he's dealing with other people's health problems, he's not dwelling on his own. He works every day he can, although lately it seems to be getting harder for him."

  Jesse considered that was the most Erica had ever asked or wanted to know about their father.

  "Something else you should know I guess. Grandma had cancer in her mid-fifties, too. Three different kinds at the same time. That's how we ended up in Florida. Dad came to help take care of her. She was given six months to live and Dad was teaching medicine in Albany."

  Erica realized that Albany was really close to her home town. Her father had been less than fifty miles away the whole time.

  Jesse continued. "He took a leave of absence to help with her end of life. She lived seven and a half years. He used to tell us her oncologist said she only lived that long because of the care she was getting, but he wasn't sure he was doing her any favors. Her quality of life sucked the last few years. After she died, Dad stayed in Florida and we came down. But the family history for cancer is big, that's why I get so pissed at Nate for smoking cigarettes. Why take chances?"

  Erica focused on the family health history - it was something she hadn't considered before.

  "What about our grandfather?" she asked.

  "Oh, Grandpa died about the time you were born. I'm sorry you never got to know him. He was a great guy. He had emphysema and diabetes and a bad heart. He died of his emphysema - another reason Nate shouldn't smoke, but you can't tell him anything. Grandpa sure loved your mother though. I heard him tell Dad once that if he divorced Eileen, he was keeping her and forgetting him. Dad once said he thought what happened between him and your mom killed his father, not the breathing."

  LATER, ERICA WAS telling Peter about her latest conversation with Jesse.

  "Talk about TMI. Peter, how do I process all this?" she asked plaintively.

  "How do you eat an elephant?" Peter asked.

  Somehow Erica managed to get through all her exams and, after the last, was back in her dorm room. She was experiencing the letdown she always felt after exams were done.

  Physically, she had stayed up way too many hours having drunk way too many cups of coffee studying. Mentally, in addition to worrying about exams, she had all the family issues playing on her mind - the trip to Florida coming up and a turmoil of emotions she couldn't resolve.

  Peter had one more test to take tomorrow, and then they were packing up and going back home together. They didn't have to be in Florida for a couple of days, so she thought that maybe she could get some rest before the trip.

  She looked at the clock. It was only 1 PM. Peter was studying for tomorrow's exam and she didn't want to disturb him. She was hungry but too tired to trek all the way to the dining hall to eat.

  She thought maybe taking a nap for a couple of hours and then meeting up with Peter for dinner was a better idea. She texted Peter the plan and he sent back a text.

  Sounds good. Grub at 5? See you then. Luv ya.

  She responded. C U then. Love you too"

  Then she was asleep before her head hit the pillow.

  Chapter Ten

  SHE WAS A princess, secluded in a beautiful and spacious castle but wasn't allowed to go outside of the castle walls.

  Her mother, the queen, gave her beautiful things and said she loved her. Her mother led her to believe her entire life that she was being kept in seclusion for her own protection. The princess never questioned the queen's motives and lived her life believing that it was the way it should be. The queen had very strict rules about who could be in the princess's presence and no one could speak directly to the princess without the queen's permission.

  Over time, the princess began to realize that the queen was really holding her prisoner in the castle. The princess came to understand that her mother, the queen, had been badly hurt outside of the castle when she had been younger, and was keeping the princess captive out of her own fears. It really wasn't for the princess's benefit, but out of the queen's own needs.

  The princess decided to take matters into her own hands.

  She wanted to escape the boundaries of the castle, but her mother's fears had been engrained in her on her entire life. While she desperately wanted freedom, she was also afraid.

  One day, after riding her stallion on the castle grounds, she returned the horse to the stable.

  There, the stable boy named Peter took the horse to water and groom. He did so without speaking, as was the rule.

  "Peter, tell me. How may I leave this place?" the princess asked.

  "You know the queen forbids me to speak with you, Princess." Peter responded.

  "I am the princess and I am of age. You will do as I command. Now tell me, how may I leave this place?" the princess demanded.

  The stable boy looked at the beautiful princess and answered, "One step at a time my lady," and held out his hand. "Come with me and I will show you the way."

  Together the two took one hesitant step, and then another.

  "Where will we go?" asked the princess.

  "To a land far away called Florida. There you will find freedom and the answers to all of your questions," answered the stable boy, Peter.

  The princess took Peter's hand and started the journey with a single hesitant step, and then another. Once they had cleared the castle walls, the steps became easier and they started running.

  The princess had no idea where she was running to or what she would find, but was excited to be outside of the castle. She briefly worried that her mother, the queen, would be worried and sad that she was leaving.

  The stable boy wisely said, "You were correct when you said you were of age. It is time for you to stop living your mother's life and start living your own..." Erica woke up panting, as if she had been running for her life. She was drenched in pers
piration.

  She looked at her alarm clock next to her bed and saw that it was only 1:30. She had actually only been asleep a short time.

  Now what? she asked herself as she lay back down and tried to close her eyes. She couldn't fall back to sleep. In her mind, she kept seeing the castle, Jesse and Nathan, and the stable boy Peter. Gotta go to decaf, she told herself.

  "SO I WAS a stable boy, huh?" asked Peter later at dinner when Erica told him about the dream.

  "Yeah, but you rescued me," answered Erica with a loving look.

  "Freud would have a field day with that dream," Peter stated.

  "Freud was a coke head," Erica responded. "Did I tell you my bio-dad is sick? He's getting chemo."

  "No, you didn't. So tell me, what does that mean to you?" Peter inquired carefully.

  Erica considered her answer before saying, "At first, nothing. I mean after Jesse told me, I asked myself the same question. How does this information affect me? My first thought was 'What goes around comes around.' But then I started thinking that, if he dies, I would have to live with the way things are the rest of my life. I'd never get the chance to resolve anything. And nobody deserves to be that sick. He's getting chemotherapy. Nobody deserved what my mother and I got either, but, I don't know. From I can see so far, I've had a narrow view of him. You know what I mean?"

  Peter smiled and leaned over to kiss her. "My little princess is growing up. Does this mean you want to meet him?"

  Erica pensively said, "I wouldn't go that far, but I'm just saying, I may not have as much time as I thought to think about. I say 'One step at a freaking time.' Okay? Let's get to Florida and see my brothers and take it, what do they say, in 12 steps? 'Take one day at a time.'"

  "Sounds like a plan," Peter said, with a satisfied smile, "Hey, are you gonna finish those fries? I'm still hungry. Hey, how do you know about 12 steps? Is there something you want to tell me?

  Erica smiled and said, "I actually listened in health class and my Mom is a doc, right?" Erica knew a little something about life that he didn't.

  "I actually went to a meeting once with my uncle. They called it an 'open meeting.' It was weird... all these coffee drinking, cigarette smoking guys, reliving their drinking days. I didn't get it."

  "I hope you never need to or I'll kick your ass!" Erica said. "Here take these fries."