Leaving Paradise

Page 29

"Give them back," she says, pulling the bottle from my hand and clutching them as if they hold her sanity.

"You can overdose on that shit, Mom. Its dangerous. "

My mom laughs, a throaty laugh so strong it makes her cough.

"Is that why youve been avoiding getting close to me. Youve become a closet pill popper?" Damn, why didnt I see this before?

"Its not in the closet anymore, is it?"

"Does Dad know?"

"What do you think? Its the only way I can keep a smile on my face all day. He doesnt like to think about the bad stuff. Hes too busy. Ive been a failure, havent I? A terrible wife, a terrible mother . . . its no wonder I was kicked out of the Ladies Auxiliary. "

"Stop caring what everyone thinks!" I yell. "Youre killing the entire family. "

"Did you think about the entire family when you hit Maggie?" she whispers, then huffs out a disgusted breath.

"This isnt about me, Mom. " I dont tell her it never was about me.

She shakes her head. "You dont get it, Caleb, do you? Theres four people living in this house and were all strangers. It is about you. Its about all of us. "

I dont even know who I am anymore. I thought I did, but with Maggies betrayal Im back where I started.

My mom turns to face the sink, her body shaking and wrought with despair. As I walk over and put my arms around her, I want to tell her Ill help her. I need help, too. But she stiffens as soon as I make contact. "Dont touch me. "

I take my hands off her and back away. Everything around me is crashing into a million pieces. Theres no way I can mend them no matter how hard I try. "Dont wait up," I grind out before leaving the kitchen and taking the stairs two steps at a time. I bang on Leahs bedroom door. "Open up. "

"What do you want?" Leah says through the door.

I pound harder. "Leah, open this door or Ill break it down. "

She opens it right before Im about to kick it open. "What?"

"How long has Mom been abusing prescription drugs?"

She shrugs. "After you got sentenced. She stopped for a while, but started up again when you got released. "

"How can you just stand there like its no big deal?"

Leah stares at me and cocks her head to the side, her black makeup in stark contrast to her white skin, making her look like a mime. "When shes numb she doesnt ask questions. "

Huh? I stare at my sister as if shes a ghost, a shell of a person I once knew. "Do you even have a conscience anymore?"

Leah shrugs.

I grab her shoulders and yell, "Leah, grow up and finally take responsibility for something . . . anything!"

Tears start streaming down her cheeks. I shouldnt be satisfied that Im making my sister cry, but I swear any emotion from her pleases me. I feel her emotions, too. But theyre so conflicted with mine I cant be close to her. Not now. A part of Leah has always been a part of me. Her misery has become mine, and right now I want nothing to do with it.

Shes sobbing while I leave the house and head down the street.

I walk ten houses away before I realize where Im headed: Mrs. Reynolds house. The lady is the only one whos tough enough to help. Maybe shell let me live with her, in that little room above the garage.

Waiting twenty minutes for a bus to come to take me to Hampton seems like forever. When it comes and I take one look at the old ladys house, I feel like Im home.

I ring the doorbell, hoping she can hear it. Maybe Ill install one of those bulbs that light up every time the doorbell rings, so if her hearing really goes shell be all set.

The second time I ring, the door opens. But its not Mrs. Reynolds, its the guy who owns Auntie Maes Diner. "Is Mrs. Reynolds home?"

"Arent you Caleb Becker?"

"Yeah. I--"

"How do you know my mother?" he demands. I put my hands in my pockets. "I worked for her. "

He hesitates, confused, then his mouth goes wide. "You built the gazebo?"

"Yeah. "

"While Maggie Armstrong worked here? The both of you, together?"

"With Mrs. Reynolds," I assure him.

"Did she know you were the one that hit Maggie? Forget it, from the look on your face I assume my mother knew. She probably tried to patch everything up, didnt she?"

"Yes, sir. I need to talk to Mrs. Reynolds. " Shes the only one I have left now.

"She passed away yesterday morning. "

No. No, this cant happen. A hole forms in my chest and spreads through my veins. "Youre lying. "

"My mother had a heart attack in her sleep. Now I dont know whats been going on here, but I know Maggies mother doesnt want you hanging around her daughter. Respect the family and leave her be. "

"No problem. No problem at all," I say.

FORTY-TWO

Maggie

Mom told me Mr. Reynolds had a surprise for me. I went to Auntie Maes Diner after school and Mr. Reynolds gave me the keys to his moms Cadillac. I protested, but Mom assured me Mrs. Reynolds would want me to have it.

So now Mom is driving me to Mrs. Reynolds house on her break. She helps me open the garage. I smile when I see the car, remembering the time Mrs. Reynolds helped me get over my fear of driving.

"You sure youre ready to do this?" Mom asks.

"Yeah, Im sure. Now get back to work. Ill be fine. "

"Maggie, youve been so strong lately, but I dont know if youre ready for this. "

Its time I tell her how Im feeling. Ive been trying to hold it in so I dont hurt her, when all along I think Ill hurt her more if I dont say anything. "Mom, I need some space," I say, then gauge her reaction. Shes looking at me skeptically, but I can tell by the way her lips are together in concentration that shes listening and attempting to understand.

I take a deep breath and say, "I know its hard for you. Its been unbelievably difficult for me . . . but Im finally ready to accept my body and my limitations. Im me . . . the new me. It might not be a perfect me, but Im okay with that. Its about time I stopped trying to escape my life, dont you think?"

A tear runs down my moms cheek. She smiles at me, this warm smile that reaches her eyes. "The accident. . . it took a part of you away. "

"Only because I let it. "

Now were both crying. I give her a long hug.

After a few minutes she gets in her car and drives away from the house, giving me the space I need. Taking a deep breath, I scan the yard. And swallow hard. The gazebo is standing like a castle in the middle of the grass, outlined by the flower beds. The bulbs are patiently waiting in hibernation until its their time to poke their heads out of the ground for the first time and vibrantly come to life.

After yesterday, I feel like Ive bloomed. It took a romance and an old lady to coax me out of hibernation, but it happened.

As Im carefully driving home, I see Caleb at Paradise Park at the basketball courts. I stop to let him know Im not upset he betrayed me. Ill get over him. It might take a while, but Im going to be just fine. Ill have other boyfriends and adventures in life, other times Ill be able to feel confident and carefree and happy. Im a survivor. Even with my limp. Getting out of the car and gathering all my courage, I walk over to him.

He sees me, but doesnt stop dribbling the ball.

"Caleb," I call out.

"Why didnt you tell me about Mrs. Reynolds?"

"I didnt have a chance. I wanted to," I say, then step toward him.

"You better stay back or I might start harassing you. "

Okay, I deserve that. I did slap him and refuse his help yesterday. But that was before I straightened everything out in my head. "I heard you got in trouble. "

"You come here to rub it in or you want to challenge me to a one-on-one?" he says.

"You know I cant play. "

He looks me up and down suggestively. "Oh, you play, Maggie. Maybe not basketball, your games are more complicated than that. "

"What are you talking about?"

He takes the basketball and holds it at his side, then gives a short laugh. "I cant believe youre afraid of me. "

I move forward, stepping closer to him and putting my chin in the air with confidence. "Im not afraid of you. "

He stands before me with as much confidence as Im showing him. "Prove it. "

"How?"

He tosses the basketball to the side of the court and steps toward me, closing the distance between us. "Figure it out. "

My breath catches and I panic. "I . . . I dont know what you mean. "

"I think you do," he says, coming so close I can almost feel his emotions as my own.

"You want me to kiss you?" I ask breathlessly.

"Youve ruined me, you do know that dont you?" he says right before I stand on my tiptoes and touch my lips to his.

He grabs my waist and pulls me close so I can feel the full strength and length of his body against mine. My fingers wrap around his biceps at the same time. Im lost in the protection of his embrace and the smell and taste thats uniquely Caleb Becker. Uniquely . . . us.

As our kiss turns more intense, I sense a change in him. Hes kissing harder, fuller. Angry.

I stumble backwards and push him away from me. "What are you doing?"

He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. "Making sure I scare you. Its what you want, isnt it? So you can claim being the victim. "

Were standing here staring at each other. Controller and controlled. Perpetrator and victim. Boy and girl.

He picks up his basketball. "Go home, Maggie. You got what you came for. "

Movement out of the corner of my eye catches my attention, breaking the connection. Its Leah.

"Caleb, Mom and Dad want you home. Now," she says.

I smooth down my hair, pat dirt off my pants, clear my throat, and do everything but look at the two of them.

Then I run back to the car as fast as I can.

FORTY-THREE

Caleb

"You didnt tell her that I hit her, did you?" Leah asks J. as she watches Maggie run away from the park. I shake my head.

"But you and Maggie. I saw how you looked at her and I knew. . . "

"What?" I say quickly, then look my sister straight in the eye.

I start walking back home and my sister steps in beside me. "Getting mixed up with Maggie can ruin our family, Caleb. "

"Lay off, Leah. I mean it. " I turn to her. "Ive just about had it. "

When I get home, my parents are waiting for me by the front door. My dad is standing rigid, a stern look on his face. My mom is beside him. I can tell shes totally out of it.

"Where were you last night?" Dad orders in such a stern voice youd think I was out committing murder. "Visiting an old friend. Whats the big deal?" My mom looks at my dad. I hold my arms wide. "What?"

"I saw Maggie coming from the direction of the park," Dad says.

"So? Its a free country, Dad. People can walk where they want to. "

My mom clutches her arms tight, grabbing on to her sweater. "We just dont want to see you get into trouble. People talk. . . "

"About what?"

"I dont want to discuss it," Mom says, then starts to walk woodenly back into the house, no doubt to numb herself again.