Rebel Heart

  “Look at you…all ready,” I teased.

  Gia was super wet lately. She always said being pregnant made her arousal ten times stronger, and she wasn’t kidding. She was so incredibly lubricated when I sank into her, and it felt damn phenomenal. It had only been a little more than a day, but it had seemed like forever since I’d felt this.

  She pulled me so tight against her as I fucked her good and hard. I couldn’t help but feel like she was holding onto me for dear life.

  I hadn’t told a single soul. And it was eating away at me.

  As Rush slept, I just kept staring at his handsome face wondering how many more mornings I would have like this, where I would wake up feeling protected and loved, where Rush wouldn’t be broken and devastated.

  Last night had been so amazing, but it was tainted by the enormous guilt I felt. After we made love, Rush served me the most delicious lasagna. Then we watched a movie while eating ice cream out of the container. He gave me a foot massage until I fell asleep on the couch. He must have carried me to bed because I don’t even remember how I got here.

  Now it was morning, and the sun was pouring in through the French doors that led out to the balcony. The waves of the nearby ocean were crashing amidst the sound of the seagulls’ morning call. Waking up at Rush’s place was heaven. I cherished each and every second of this peace. But it was bittersweet, knowing that the calm would likely be short-lived.

  I went back and forth on how to handle things. Some moments, I was pondering never telling him the truth. Others, I couldn’t fathom keeping this secret. For a millisecond, I’d even considered running away and never coming back because I couldn’t deal with the shame.

  A part of me did wonder whether I could get away with never saying anything, that maybe Elliott would never question the baby, and that everyone would just assume it was Rush’s child.

  The other part of me, the much bigger part, knew that I couldn’t live with this secret for the rest of my life. It would kill me. Every time I would look into Rush’s trusting eyes, a piece of me would slowly die from the guilt. Protecting Rush was my number-one priority. Not to mention, if Elliott ever said anything about his tryst with me, Rush would put two and two together. Elliott could very well hold this over me until just the right moment to unleash it. He couldn’t ever be trusted.

  There was no way out. I had to tell Rush that his brother was the father of my baby. I cringed at the thought, unable to even think those words. It was just unfathomable. It didn’t matter how many times I’d said it to myself, it just didn’t seem real.

  I felt like I needed to confide in someone first, but there were very few people I trusted—basically Rush and my father. Riley was a good friend, but I couldn’t risk even the small chance that she would tell someone. Confessing the pregnancy to her had been one thing. But this? No.

  It was becoming clearer and clearer to me: I had to tell my father everything.

  Rush’s body stirred, snapping me out of my thoughts. He rolled over and pulled me in for a kiss. He was gloriously hard as he often was when he woke up.

  “You slept well,” I said.

  His voice was groggy. “You didn’t?”

  “Not really. I’ve had a lot on my mind and terrible heartburn kept me up.”

  More like heartbreak.

  He suddenly got up from the bed.

  “Where are you going?” I asked.

  “I’m going to get something. Be right back.”

  When he returned to the room, he was carrying another doll, but this one looked exactly like a real baby. And it wasn’t ugly at all.

  “What is that?”

  He looked down at it and chuckled. “So my mother had this idea. I told her it was stupid, but she insisted. This thing is supposed to simulate a real baby. It can be programmed to cry at certain times and a bunch of other things. She said she wished she had one of these when she was pregnant with me.”

  He placed it in my arms. It felt how I imagined a real baby to feel. It was a boy, dressed in a light blue, footed sleeper.

  He continued, “So we can set it to go off at certain times. That way we can get used to getting up and shit, so it’s not such a shock when it really happens.”

  I looked down at its realistic face with creamy skin and perfect bow lips. “Wow. I didn’t even know this kind of thing existed. It feels and looks just like a real baby.”

  “And it’s not even on. The limbs move, too.” He took it from me and pressed a button that was located at the back of the doll. It started moving its arms and legs and even made cooing sounds.

  “That’s freaky, Rush. You look like you’re holding an actual baby.”

  “Except our baby will be a fuck of a lot cuter.” He winked.

  Our baby.

  His words were like a punch to the gut.

  “It burps and a bunch of other stuff,” he said, continuing to hold it as he stood across from the bed. “Anyway…I thought maybe it was too soon. But when you said you’d been up thinking, I thought maybe the sooner we could get used to the idea, the better.”

  He was rocking it gently, and I didn’t even know if he realized how naturally that seemed to be coming to him. The sight of this strong, tattooed god of a man rocking this baby doll was just about the best and most bittersweet thing I’d ever witnessed.

  Oh, Rush. You’re killing me here.

  My heart was breaking because a part of me knew that this might be the only way I could ever experience this with him.

  The next day, I sat in my father’s living room in Queens and watched the man who was my hero, my strength, break down in front of me.

  All of the lights were off. We hadn’t even noticed when daylight ended and never bothered to turn them on. I’d never seen my father cry—until now. And to think that I had caused it. This was just a prelude to the feelings of pain I would be experiencing soon.

  For the past hour, I’d not only told him I was pregnant but ended up confessing the unthinkable situation I’d gotten myself into with Rush’s brother.

  “Say something,” I said to him. My father was just sitting there in his NYPD uniform for the longest time with his head between his hands.

  He finally spoke. “I just feel so badly for you, honey. I don’t know what to say that’s going to make you feel better. You’re just going to have to go through all of this. And you have to face Rush.”

  “You’re not mad at me? Because I feel like I’ve completely disappointed you.”

  “Mad? No. A little sad, maybe. I know this is going to make your life a lot more difficult. And I honestly wish I had a solution on how to handle Rush, but I just don’t. You have to tell him. And you need to do it soon.”

  The thought of that filled me with dread as I whispered, “I know.” I lay my head down on a pillow. “I don’t know how I’m gonna deal with everything when Rush is gone. He’s been such a source of strength for me.”

  My father got up and poured us each a glass of water.

  He sat back down next to me and said, “Let me tell you a story about your mother that you don’t know.”

  I sat up and gulped down some of the water. “Alright…”

  “Even from the beginning, when she was pregnant with you, I always had a strange inkling that she might not stick around. Don’t ask me how I knew…it was intuition, maybe. She just wasn’t cut out for parenting. And you know…I was scared shitless when I found out about you, too, in the beginning. Terrified, even. But, baby girl, when you came out and I took one look at your face…all of that fear, it transformed into something different. The fear was no longer about whether or not I could love you. It was about protecting you, keeping you safe because I loved you so very much. I still do.”

  “Thank you, Dad.”

  “But here’s the thing…I quickly learned that there wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you and that I really didn’t need anyone else. The strength was within me all along. You brought it out in me. And I know that no matter how hard this seem
s, you have the same strength in you. You don’t need Rush or anyone. You will be okay, Gia. Your son or daughter will be okay, too. And he or she will help you find that strength.”

  “I hope so. I hope you’re right.”

  “But you know what else you have that I didn’t?”

  I wiped my eyes. “What?”

  “You have me. I’ll help you, okay? Even if I have to retire a little earlier than planned…I’ll make sure you and my grandkid will be okay. So don’t be scared.”

  Raising my voice, I said, “It’s not your responsibility.”

  “You are my responsibility, my purpose. You always will be. I don’t care how old you are.”

  Tears were pouring down my face. “I can’t tell you how much that means to me to have your support. I’ve been so scared to tell you. And now with the latest news…I was just so ashamed.”

  “Don’t ever be ashamed to talk to me. You can tell me anything. I’m glad you didn’t wait any longer.” He placed his hand on mine. “Do you want me to come with you when you tell Rush?”

  It was nice of him to offer, but it wouldn’t have helped. “No. I have to face this on my own.”

  “I really like him, Gia. He seems like a really good guy. I hate that this happened.”

  “You know one of the things I love about Rush…is that he makes me feel protected like you always do. I know that if this hadn’t happened, he would have been the best father to this child, whether he realizes it or not. It wouldn’t matter that it wasn’t his; this baby would’ve become his in every sense of the word.”

  “You’re talking about things like there is no chance of him sticking around.”

  I refused to allow myself to feel hopeful. “Do you really think he could possibly handle this?”

  Dad let out a long breath and pondered my question. “I think it’s going to be very difficult for him. Very difficult. And it’s gonna take a long time to absorb. But I wouldn’t disregard his feelings for you. And I wouldn’t rule out the possibility of ending up with him. The bottom line is…you didn’t know about his brother. He can’t blame you…because you just didn’t know. You didn’t choose this.”

  I hated that he was trying to get my hopes up because my gut told me there was no way in hell Rush could ever accept this scenario.

  “I wouldn’t be able to handle it if the situation were reversed. If I had a sister and he’d gotten her pregnant, there would be no way I could raise that baby. It would just be too painful. So I shouldn’t expect him to accept it, either.” I sniffled and wiped my eyes again. “You know…I thought my biggest problem was the pregnancy…but I’ve been growing accustomed to the idea of motherhood, even getting excited over it. And that was all because of him…because I had his support. This twist of fate blindsided me, and now…I just can’t see the future anymore at all, at least not one that includes him in it.”

  He pulled me into his arms. “You can’t live like this. Promise me you’ll tell him as soon as you get back. Get it over with, Gia. It’s not going to get any easier.”

  It was dark and raining on the ride home. Appropriate weather for my mood. Rush had rented me a reliable vehicle again for my ride to the City. I dialed him from the car on the way home.

  He picked up. “Hey, baby. Are you on the road? You shouldn’t be talking when you’re driving.”

  “I have you on speaker. It’s okay.”

  “It’s raining there, huh?”

  “Yeah. Pretty heavily.”

  “Be careful.”

  “I will. Don’t worry.”

  “How did the visit with your dad go?”

  I exhaled. “Surprisingly good, actually.”

  “He took the news okay?”

  “Yeah…as well as could be expected.”

  “God, that’s a relief. Must be a load off your chest.”

  If he only knew the weight of the load on my chest right now. Talking to my father had just made the burden heavier since he told me not to wait to tell Rush. I closed my eyes briefly to curb the tears that were forming. If only telling my father about the pregnancy was the only hurdle I had to get through this week.

  “You want me to come over tonight or are you tired?” he asked.

  “I think I’m gonna go straight to bed. I’m super exhausted.”

  “Be careful driving if you’re sleepy. Pull over if you have to. Get a hotel. I’ll give you my credit card. I don’t want you to—”

  “Rush…” I interrupted.

  “Yeah…”

  I forced the words out. “There’s something I need to talk to you about. Tomorrow. It’s too late tonight, but can you come over after work?”

  He sounded alarmed. “What’s going on, Gia?”

  “I can’t talk about it over the phone, okay? I love you, Rush. It has nothing to do with my feelings for you or anything. Just something important.”

  “I’m supposed to be heading into the City for a business meeting tomorrow. Want me to cancel it?”

  “No.” I insisted, needing as much time as possible to prepare. “Don’t do that. Just come over right after. Okay?”

  There was a long moment of silence before he answered, “Okay.”

  Nothing was going to ruin my mood today.

  I waited for the woman behind the counter to finish her phone call and looked around at the portraits hanging on the wall. If stumbling onto this place hadn’t been a sign from up above, I didn’t know what was.

  “Sorry about that.” The woman hung up the phone and walked over to where I stood.

  “No problem. I didn’t have an appointment or anything. I was just on my way to a meeting down the block, and the photos hanging in your window caught my eye. Are you the photographer?”

  The woman reminded me of my mom. She was tiny, with long, flowing, dirty blonde hair and a Stevie Nicks vibe. “Yes. They’re all mine. This is my portrait studio. I’m sort of a one-woman show—answer the phones, take the photos, print them, and frame them. I can’t help myself. I’m a control freak.”

  “Well, that seems to work for you. They’re incredible.”

  She smiled warmly. “Thank you. Were you looking for a particular type of shoot? Is it for yourself? Or a family portrait of some kind?”

  “I’d like to schedule a shoot for someone…as a gift. My girlfriend...something like this, maybe.” I pointed to the oversized, framed photo of a very pregnant woman looking down at her exposed belly. She had one hand covering her breasts and the other caressing her stomach. It was beautiful—the quality and softness of the shot gave it an almost angelic feel. “She’s been a little down lately, and I think she’s getting self-conscious about her body. I want her to see herself like I see her.”

  “Oh, that’s wonderful. What a nice surprise. Many women don’t feel so beautiful about their bodies when they’re pregnant. You giving her something like this tells her that you’re proud of her body and she should be, too.”

  “That’s what I’m hoping. She’s gorgeous pregnant.”

  “Do you have an idea of when you want to bring her in? Let me get my calendar, and I can show you some packages. I’ll be right back.”

  My eyes moved to the framed portrait next to the one of the pregnant woman. The two photos on the wall were the same ones that hung in the window and caught my attention from the street. It was the combination that stopped me in my tracks on the way to my meeting. Next to the pregnant woman was a large portrait of a baby. She was probably only a few months old and sound asleep with her little ass sticking straight in the air while she lay on a white, furry blanket. Her knees were tucked under her tiny body, and her chubby cheeks rested atop her hands as she slept. But the thing that stopped me was the wings. The sleeping angel had a set of white, feathery wings on her back. She truly looked like an angel.

  “I’m Jenny, by the way. I probably should have opened with that before.”

  I extended my hand. “Rush. Nice to meet you, Jenny.”

  When she opened her calendar, every pa
ge had scribble all over it. She was pretty damn booked up.

  “Looks like you’re busy.”

  “Don’t worry. I’ll fit you in whenever you want it. Any man who thinks his pregnant partner looks good enough to want to buy her a photoshoot takes priority in my book.”

  She didn’t know the half of it. Looks good enough. I wanted to devour Gia twenty-four seven. And you could bet I’d be getting a few extra copies of the shots for myself. Jenny might not think I was so sweet if I told her I wanted duplicates for future spank bank material.

  “Thank you. I appreciate that.”

  “So, all of my packages come with a one-hour photo session. A few days after the shoot, I send you a link to the photos, and you pick which photos you want to have printed. I have packages that range from two photo selections up to eight.”

  I scratched at the scruff on my chin and looked at the portraits again. “Do you have any packages that include two shoots? I’m thinking I’d like to buy one for my girlfriend now and one for the baby when he’s born.”

  “I do. I have a package that includes two sessions with ten photo selections, and you can pick your ten shots from a combination of both shoots.”

  “I’ll take that one.”

  Jenny smiled. “Your girlfriend is a lucky girl.”

  “Trust me. I’m the lucky one.”

  I actually fucking whistled walking from the photography studio to my meeting, even though I was about to be in the company of my father and brother. Jenny had given me a little bag with a gift certificate inside and a tiny, golden angel trinket. It couldn’t have been more perfect. I hoped Gia liked the present as much as I knew I would.

  My whistle cut mid-stream when my brother walked into the elevator. We had a meeting up on the thirty-third floor with our banker and some people about a potential investment. Elliott flashed a phony smile and turned to give me his back as the car doors slid closed. “I have a good tailor who can make you a nice suit.” He buttoned his overpriced suit jacket as he spoke. “If you’d like, I can send you his number.”