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  —Yes well I was just telling Vern we ahm . . .

  —Other phone here Whiteback I’ll get it, hello . . .?

  —And who gave you that information.

  —Just Parentucelli, wants to know if Vern wants the blacktop running around to the back of the house.

  —No comment right now, no. Tell him all the way around except the breezeway . . . What . . .?

  —He says everything except the breezeway . . .

  —We’re making a full investigation yes, goodbye. Here I’ll talk to him.

  —He hung up, who was that.

  —That was the newspaper Whiteback, they had a report on a sitdown strike in your fourth grade.

  —Yes well that was ahm, those fourth graders yes Vogel had them making models of ahm, the glue that is to say smelling the glue the little ahm, youngsters some of them went to the nurse’s office and couldn’t stand up so they ahm, sat down that is to say yes I’d better call the paper back and . . .

  —Don’t you dare touch that phone, haven’t you ever learned not to volunteer information to the papers?

  —Yes well of course we ahm, community relationswise that is to say Vern you don’t get popular support without the ahm, how did that Flesch woman put it yes without the support of the community of course she had a gift for expressing ideas and my job is ahm . . .

  —Your job Whiteback? look . . . and where they did a roll of cigar ash bounded down worn folds of tweed and burst on the floor.—Your job is to make the District Superintendent look good, and you’re not making me look good with this thimble theater you’re running here. You’re not doing it by calling up a paper to take a story about a fourth grade sitdown strike away from them with one hand while you’re giving them one about a fourth grade drug trip with the other. And get that damn bear off the screen.

  —Yes we use it as sort of ahm, can you reach that knob Major?

  ——useful to make the distinction between a given concept, the number, and the symbol which represents it, the numeral . . .

  —Downright brilliant, know what he’s talking about?

  —Yes well of course this is simply enahm, richment that knob on the left yes, the on off that is to . . .

  ——define the number in terms of the equivalence class of ordered pairs of the equivalence classes of ordered pairs . . .

  —Anybody know what he’s talking about?

  —Yes well I think what Vern means is ahm, Glancy’s been having some financial difficulties that may have affected his approach to ahm, in terms of educational content that is to . . .

  —That’s not what I meant at all and don’t try to describe what flows through these tubes as educational content, equivalence classes of ordered pairs when I said plumbing I meant plumbing, doesn’t matter who pulls the chain.

  —Yes well I’m afraid Major Hyde doesn’t ahm, Vern just dropped in to discuss this next budget referendum Major he thought there might be a few soft spots we could ahm, I just had it yes is that it? that pile right under your . . .

  —This? Report to the police any stranger who tries to join you in your play or offers to take you for a ride or walk. Do not play near public toilets . . .

  —Oh no that’s something the police ahm, like those don’t pick up a stranger matches that were handed out in the vd campaign last year and those junior high girls burned down the ahm, it’s right here somewhere under here if you’ll just move your ahm, I was just looking through it for . . .

  —Glue, per quart, three fifty-nine, masking tape each, two forty-seven, chalk per box, three eighty, ladders, each, thirty-six, toilet paper, per case . . .

  —Remind me to call Gottlieb yes that’s his brother-in-law that is to say but what they do with all that toilet paper, is there anything there about picnic forks? Something Leroy just called about the first part of a shipment of wooden picnic forks . . .

  —Here’s something from Leroy, glass, sixty-nine panes . . .

  —Oh yes well the glass that’s in the budget, that was just sixty-nine panes on the weekend but of course with glass running a dollar a square foot and the unbreakable runs three times that . . .

  —Bulletproof?

  —No that’s just the, what they call strengthened glass but . . .

  —I’d check out the price differential on the bulletproof while you’re at it Whiteback, sooner or later we’re going to have to face the facts.

  —Well yes but of course right now all we have to do is comply with the ahm, the insurance company recommendations and that man Stye of theirs who was in here hasn’t made things any easier since ahm, of course I don’t think Vern . . .

  —Vern wants solutions, all right, this Stye, colored fellow Vern in here for the insurance company, if he was on our team maybe he’d see things a little more our way, I’m talking about that empty slot coming up on the school board. He lives out there past the new Dunkin Donuts location and Whiteback here seems to think he may be over the district line, but nobody’s going out there with a tape measure. Quiet type, tight lipped, doesn’t talk much but his eye’s on the ball every second, Whiteback here knows what I mean. He probably doesn’t make beans with that insurance outfit and wants to get ahead, some of them have a streak of that am I right Whiteback?

  —Yes well I didn’t think you ahm . . .

  —Didn’t recall you as such a champion of the race myself Major, even heard somebody say once it made you mad to see a car like yours with a black face behind the wheel, how . . .

  —Just let me finish here Vern, if he has a shot at the school board maybe he can clean up this insurance mess the way we want it cleaned up and after that I can probably find him something in our organization, something in sales he’d consider pretty attractive . . .

  —All sounds a little like Saul on the road to Damascus Major, something blind you on the drive out here today?

  —Listen Vern don’t, just don’t push me too far. Before I came out here I had a gut session with one of our company’s top brass and our big must there right now is vertical integration right down the line, black slice of the corporate pie and all the rest we’ve got the Justice Department on our tail and we’re bending over backwards to keep our skirts clean. Bring this man Stye in it won’t hurt us right here in the district integrationwise Whiteback come to think of it he’s probably got some white . . .

  —Yes well of course the, we just lost that family of ahm, Hawaiians were they? Out by Chick’s Auto Body yes sending their little ahm, their youngsters to the parochial school they’re not even Catholic, nonwhite of course yes but they’re not ahm . . .

  —Do you know why? Discipline, that’s what they’ve got to sell and we haven’t let me finish Vern, Catholics I met have a kid there in art class the sister tells them color inside the lines, color outside the lines and whap! ruler right across the knuckles, the kid comes home black and blue every night. Discipline and a decent respect for the flag, you blame these Chinamen for sending their kids there? get them away from the kind of inflammatory material a teacher like this Gibbs is handing out, you talked to Vern about this Whiteback? and the kind of friends he has? somebody that goes around putting out his eye with a pencil?

  —Yes well no we ahm, Vern stopped by to discuss the new budget referendum that is to say and we ahm . . .

  —That’s what I’m talking about isn’t it? Expect any yes votes with this Citizens Union bunch sending out questionnaires having parents tell their kids to report any teacher that starts his class without the proscribed openings? This budget will bring the tax rate up over nine dollars and we need every vote we can get Catholic and white while they’re paying to send their own kids to parochial school, you know how much they’ve sunk into this new closed-circuit facility over here at Holy Name? Getting all the mileage out of it they can too, I just sent in some pictures of Sister Agnes cutting up a frog to the parent company may give them a boost in our Annual Report, they’ve got an archbishop coming out to bless it and Father Haight’s putting this brokendown two-sta
r General brother of his right up there on the stand with him why should they vote a tax increase to educate our kids. Mention anything else they’ll vote for it, roads, they all use roads take this how many million dollar referendum of Pecci’s for widening the state roads will go through without a whisper have you seen up there where the highways cross? where that new shopping center’s going to go up? I just drove past it coming off the expressway they’ve got both shoulders cleared all the way up past the Catholic church you think Parentucelli’s sitting waiting for a referendum? He knows he’ll get paid, by the time this referendum goes through he’ll have every state road in sight ten lanes wide but just mention education and they grab for their wallets.

  —Yes well of course if ahm, if they keep rejecting the budget that is to say every cutback we submit is ahm, an austerity budg . . .

  —We can’t cut it back, submit a nickel and dime budget once that’s all they’ll ever vote for see it at the corporate level all the time, what you don’t ask for you don’t get and if we keep trimming it to just let me finish Vern, these Catholics want to send their kids to private school let them but they’re not going to shortchange the rest of our youngsters on anything from a box of chalk to the appliances for this new what did you call it Whiteback? The home ec motivational center?

  —Yes well but I thought that was ahm, this equipment from Major Hyde’s company Vern a subsiderary that is to say stoves, washers, dryers, hair ahm, dryers we’re getting them all for home ec as a . . .

  —Good thing I got hold of you on this Vern, Whiteback can’t keep his communications lines straight sometimes I thought we could check out the budget for the door there, somebody . . .

  —Yes well Dan come in yes, what . . .

  —No I didn’t want to interrupt, it’s not really school business I . . .

  —No come in Dan sit down, just talking to Whiteback and Vern here about your teaching equipment looking for a soft spot in the budget to fit all this into, goes right along with Dan’s sorry didn’t see your foot there Vern, supplements it you might say. Take this Edsel Responsive Envirement runs around thirty-five thousand a unit, that about right Dan? Now you take some of these youngsters, maybe the equipment can respond but they can’t, not fair to shortchange them because of that is it? Bring in these appliances where a washing machine’s a responsive envirement to some youngster for a hundredth the price and we key the human being to, how did you put it once Dan? Key the . . .

  —The individual yes, key the technology to the individ . . .

  —Dan knows what I’m talking about, key the individual to the technology find the soft spots in this budget and we’re in business, take for a start . . .

  —I just saw this shelter item in there Major, how about taking that for a start.

  —I don’t think we want to jump right into these controversial areas Vern, still waiting for Whiteback here to get his mobile unit over so these taxpayers can have a good looksee at what’s possible before they make a rash decision they might not live to regret, I’m talking about the frills. Take these telephone booths, how many phone booths are you putting in Whiteback?

  —Phone booths? Yes I don’t ahm, we’re not yes . . .

  —They’re installing one right now down past the boys’ room I saw it when I came in, may not look like much but bring in a whole fleet of them you’ve got a pretty substantial item like these, what was it you just found tucked away in the budget here Whiteback? forks . . .?

  —Wooden yes wooden picnic forks no that’s the problem, I can’t find them, nine thousand gross wooden pic . . .

  —See what I mean? Wooden picnic fork it doesn’t sound like much but bring in nine thou, gross? you said gross? Well that’s, nine thousand gross that’s over a million! See what I mean about things adding up now? Wrong time for picnics anyhow, trim a few more items like that we can set these future young homemakers right up in business over in, setting them up in the south annex Whiteback?

  —Yes well we’ve ahm, they’ve run into some problems shifting adult ed because the gym’s being cleared for the hobby show so the classes in prenatal care had to be ahm, I had it right here somewhere yes driver training was ahm . . .

  —Just a little space problem Vern, over in east seven trying to fit the retreads into the space the Great Books were . . .

  —I don’t want to hear about it.

  —Yes well I think what Vern means is ahm . . .

  —I just said what I mean Whiteback. Don’t tell me things I don’t want to know and I won’t bother you. If I can stand two more years of this I’ll be able to retire, and if you can keep me looking good that long I won’t bother you.

  —Yes well of course we ahm, Dan that is to say, Dan here has been ahm . . .

  —It’s your job to make me look good and it’s Dan’s job to make you look good, if he’s just going to sit here making faces I don’t know who can make him look good but . . .

  —Yes well of course his wife is ahm, if we ask her to come in as curriculum specialist of course we hoped she might be a little less active activationwise in terms of this ongoing strike threat yes is that what you stopped in for Dan? You were going to ahm, feel . . .

  —No I can come back later, it’s not really school bus . . .

  —I don’t want to hear about it.

  —You’ll hear about it Vern they’re just looking for an excuse, trying to make an issue over firing that young music what was his name, bastard probably cost us half our tv budget with the show he put on for that Foundation team. Had any calls from them on him yet Whiteback?

  —Yes on ahm, Bast you said Mister Bast yes not from the Foundation no the Senior Citizens of course have ahm, are quite put out but . . .

  —What did you expect with this open-circuit setup, you’ll see them down at that referendum in wheelchairs they . . .

  —Yes well apparently they were looking forward to a lesson on Edward MacDowell in connection with their therapy cutting ahm, he seems to have mentioned cutting out paper dolls and of course a music union called threatening legal action against us because he played a note on the piano and he’s not ahm, not a member that is to say of course he has a right to ahm, in fact I believe some civil liberties union is preparing to defend his right to free speech but . . .

  —If he dares to show his face after that performance I’d just like to get hold of him and . . .

  —I’ve been trying to yes, get hold of him that is to say call his home again to tell him we’re preparing a new check, I understand he stopped by for it late yesterday but the computer had misplaced the decimal and made it out for fifteen dollars and ahm, fif . . .

  —Fifteen dollars more than he’s worth but if you don’t get that straightened out Whiteback the whole community’s going to blow up, this trouble Dan’s been having with his holes Vern . . .

  —That’s really something I don’t want to hear about.

  —Yes well of course if that’s what you stopped in to talk about Dan maybe some other ahm, of course I thought you might have some word for us about this strike threat in terms of your wife’s ahm, I think you were going to feel your wife’s ahm . . .

  —He doesn’t have to feel her anything, if they want to strike let them strike.

  —Yes well I think what Vern means is ahm, in terms of the ongoing situation at the curricular level Dan’s wife is . . .

  —I just finished telling you what I mean Whiteback, it has nothing to do with curricular anything. The function of this school is custodial. It’s here to keep these kids off the streets until the girls are big enough to get pregnant and the boys are old enough to go out and hold up a gas station, it’s strictly custodial and the rest is plumbing. If these teachers of yours strike just sit still and keep the doors open, by the time these kids have been lying around the house for a week their parents will march the teachers back in at gunpoint.

  —Yes well of course I don’t think the police would excuse me, hello . . .? Oh, yes send him down to my office in fact you bet
ter have someone bring him down yes he . . . yes thank you. One of our drug ahm, our pupils that is to say I understand his older brother was severely wounded in the ahm, that he’s a veteran yes so this boy seems to have access to a variety of ahm, in fact I think he was sent down in this condition yesterday but of course since he’s ahm ahm, in terms of the enrollment integrationwise that is to say we’ve made every effort to encourage his attendance of course his record is somewhat ahm, Dan? That’s not what you, you had some school business you said yes is that letter something you, something we . . .

  —No no it’s my, it’s not school business no it’s just my mortgage, my application to refinance my mortgage, I didn’t mean to take school time just for . . .

  —Yes well I don’t think Vern would . . .

  —No go ahead Dan, go ahead. You sit here picking your nose on school time why shouldn’t you talk about your mortgage on school time.

  —Yes well of course Dan the ahm, let me see the letter yes I think in terms of the ahm, nothing personal in this of course Dan but down to the bank that is to say we operate under certain regulations ahm, restrictions on mortgage outlays dictated by what you might call the actual construction of the house and the ahm, standards, the standard spacing of the wall studs of course is sixteen inches and yours appear to be ahm, twenty-four, inches apart that is to say . . .

  —But I didn’t know . . .

  —Yes no nobody’s blaming you Dan, we know you didn’t build it yourself it was, of course it was the builder who ahm, who built it of course but the, since the term of a mortgage is related to, dictated by the number of years the house is reasonably expected to stand depending on its, directly related to the way it’s built, constructed you might say, the wall studs having a direct bearing on the part, you might even say actually part of the structure so that of course the farther apart they are in a given space the fewer there are of them because the fewer there are of them the farther apart they have to be placed so that under certain conditions such as a, even the passage of time which is directly related to the term of the mortgage and the reasonable life of the dwelling, if the wall studs were closer together of course there would be more of them which in turn could be reasonably expected to provide a more substantial structure timewise over the time period the, the period of time the mortgage is being amortized and the bank of course, banks that is to say, in order to protect their borrowers in granting these mortgage applications because you understand there’s nothing personal in this Dan, the same thing comes up with other applicants, the banks usel, utilize the safeguards set forth in the building code stating the safe legal minimums for materials and construction in terms of course that’s what building codes are for such specifications as the spacing of wall studs in the ahm, the Hyde house yes I think you have your mortgage with us Major but of course it was built back in ahm, a Cape Cod ranch type split when they were still building those fine old homes back in the fifties yes the sort of home you pass on to your ahm, to his children that is to say his son when he grows up of course if he, if you see what I mean Dan?