J R
—Oh the, the bulb burned out yes I . . .
—Can’t see a God damned . . . a match flared,—you saving paper bags Bast?
—Oh, yes no those were . . .
—Need any more there’s plenty in the tub, Bast? Package here for you.
—Oh that’s just, yes never mind it it’s just . . .
—Better open it might be food . . . he came wielding it in collision with 36 Boxes 2-Ply,—more cocktail onions, too God damned heavy for Hostess Twinkies . . . and the carton sundered on the floor.—What the hell is it.
—It’s ah, it might be an electric letter opener, it . . .
—Bast God damned stroke of genius Bast, one thing we need here where’d I put that cup . . . he brought it up and finished it,—looked like some mail in there under the tub.
—Yes that’s, that’s just today’s I haven’t sorted it yet, sorted out Mister Grynszpan’s I mean oh and Mister Gibbs I meant to tell you. A man came to the door a day or two ago and said he was from the Treasury Department looking for Mister Grynszpan, he . . .
—Treasury agent Bast, got to be God damned careful . . . he reappeared trailing envelopes,—say what it was?
—He said race track winnings yes and, yes he wasn’t very nice about it he thought I was Mister Grynszpan and he wasn’t nice about it at all, I thought he was going to take me with him. If he comes again what do you think I should . . .
—Problem better call Grynszpan’s lawyer . . . and envelopes cascaded to the floor as he got a perch on some film cans and dug in the carton,—want to just plug this in over there . . .
—Yes I’d, but I’d better sort out Mister . . .
—Open yours too Bast glad to do it, here just plug this in under there and . . .
—Maybe you should take it out of the box first, it . . .
—Always have an answer don’t you Bast, must just put them in this end and . . . Jesus!
—Maybe there are some directions with it that . . .
—Working fine, working fine just so God damned fast shoots them into the kitchen though . . .
—Wait, wait there’s someone at the door I’d better . . .
—Must be, Eigen? Tom? that you?
The door came open upright.—Jack . . .?
—Tom come in stand right there will you? No little closer, stop these when they . . .
—Christ Jack what . . . look out!
—Just opening the mail, Mister Bast here got us a . . .
—Stop, stop it look it’s slicing most of it in half . . .
—Must be some God damned little adjustment here . . .
—Bast pull the plug will you? before he loses a finger? Damn it Jack look at this mess, what do you . . .
—Just have to match them up God damn it what do you think technology is for, have to open them all by hand? Just match bottoms to tops, here, anybody got a top half from the Internal Revenue Service? Tell you one thing from the bottom half here somebody’s in one hell of a mess . . .
—Jack listen this lawyer’s going to be here any . . .
—Enclosed, your sample Value Line report on A T and . . .
—Oh that might be something of, of mine I . . .
—The case for a bull market in, somebody getting into pork bellies?
—Well that, that might be . . .
—Know somebody named Pomerance Bast? Bottom half of somebody named Pomerance . . .
—Jack damn it listen . . .
—No wait wait something came through in one piece here look, came for Grynszpan called Taxing and Giving better look into it Tom listen. In no case does your gift to the Harvard Fund cost you as much as its real value listening? Gifts of Securities listen. We welcome and encourage gifts of securities that have risen in value how’s that. God damned white of them isn’t it, had a wife welcomes gifts of securities risen in value God damned white of her she . . .
—Damn it Jack . . .
—No wait look got a little table here tells you how it works look, income’s fifty thousand net cost to Grynszpan per hundred dollar gift’s forty-one dollars, fifty-nine percent of gift borne by government God damned white of them look. Get his income up to a hundred thousand gift costs him twenty-eight dollars a hundred, seventy-two percent borne by the taxpayers God damned white of them, black meter reader down there poking past ashcans made it all the way through ninth grade gets to use a real flashlight wear a uniform read electric meters all day pays two thousand a year withholding gets to help buy lacrosse rackets for Harvard God damned white of him what’s this . . .
—Mister Gibbs that might . . .
—Executive’s Complete Portfolio of Letters look, letters you might have to struggle over for just the right phrase completely written for you guarantee save you hours of work, no more struggling over the right way to phrase letters to Christ glad we got this aren’t you Tom? Have to write to Mister where the hell’s the bottom half of this, as a newcomer to the textile trades it gives us great pleasure to invite you to serve on this panel. Your topic will be Import Quotas and the Case for American, know Grynszpan was a newcomer to the textile trades Tom?
—Mister Gibbs I, some of that mail may be . . .
—That the validity of these claims has been subjected to repeated litigation, to proceed with caution in this direction. Top half of the U S Bureau of Mines there anywhere?
—Jack listen get up off the floor, this lawyer’s on his way and I want to get . . .
—No wait, wait, can’t miss this wait, Bloody Mary Volleyball Game at ten thirty a m, free bloody marys to all players. Golf tournament at the beautiful Wianno course, Tom must be Grynszpan’s twenty-fifth reunion. Registration at Kirkland House, a mixed bag of old friends and classmates you never, got to see he gets there Tom where the hell’s the other half of . . .
—Bast look will you help me clean this up before he . . .
—To extend these timber-cutting operations to adjoining federal lands in conformance with the Multiple Use-Sustained Yield Act of nineteen sixty stretching the working circle concept as far as is legally, that’s not it where the hell . . .
—Mister Gibbs I, some of this mail may be . . .
—Morning symposium, opportunity to heckle allegedly distinguished classmates here it is, the traditional parade to Soldiers Field at two p m, costumes for all damn it Tom got to get him there . . .
—Wait listen what . . . what’s that noise.
—It’s, it’s just the tub Mister . . .
—Bosom where bright waters meet Tom, confluence of the mighty Mongahela and Mister Bast and I were just discussing what the hell conflues with the Mon, Monongahela form the mighty Ohio at Pittsburgh’s bosom where . . .
—It’s just the tub Mister Eigen, I . . .
—God damned clever if you ask me, couldn’t shut off the sink so he turned on the tub to distribute all this God damned entropy a little better, hand me that bottle will you Bast?
—And Mister Gibbs I meant to say, I meant to say Mister Eigen since I’m using this place and Mister Grynszpan only seems to get his mail here maybe I could pay the rent and . . .
—How’s that Tom ideal tenant, saves paper bags and keeps all this God damned entropy in balance . . . he tipped the bottle over the cup,—provides an electric letter opener and offers to pay the rent, what’s the rent . . .
—Sixty-one something, it went up, sixty-one forty, is that the only cup?
—God damned thoughtless of me, here. Now what was I looking for top half of . . .
—Mister Gibbs I think some of that mail is . . .
—Here. Now get up Jack, I want to get next door and look over Schramm’s things before . . .
—Tom no God damned hurry pull up Thomas Register and sit down . . . he reached up for the emptied cup, tipped the bottle,—who the hell’s taking a rapid reading course . . .
—Mister Gibbs I think some of that mail’s mine, I . . .
—Bast taking a rapid reading course Bast? What . . .
?
??Yes well, no not exactly, I mean it’s something I . . .
—Most Reading Dynamics graduates can read between fifteen hundred and three thousand words per minute Bast got to hear it, Tom quick get him a book . . .
—Jack listen I’m going next door, when the lawyer gets here I’ll call you and . . .
—Still have to find Raindance and Mister Fred God damn it got all afternoon, we’re Schramm’s executors know that Bast? Named us joint executors handing out millions, even threw in little something for the kids . . .
—Yes I, I think someone’s at the door now . . .
—Be right there Tom . . . he picked up the cup carefully,—got to understand the shape he’s in Bast, just came back from Germany found his wife walked out, most cases that’s a God damned blessing but this one it’s all nine God damned beatitudes except she took the boy, understand the shape he’s in Bast she took the boy . . .
—I’m sorry to, wait you’re stepping . . .
—What? looks like a share of, got half a share of U S Steel here Bast where the hell’s the bottom half . . .
—No that’s all right Mister Gibbs I’ll pick all that up, just . . .
—Have to find a book . . . he had a knee on 24–7 Oz Pkgs Flavored Loops up digging into 2-Ply Facial Tissue Yellow—how the hell’d she get up there what’s her, Irma? girl of Schramm’s?
—It’s, I think it’s Rhoda I just put that up there to, be careful!
—Rhoda, Rhoda with the burning bush ought to get one Bast . . . he caught a book in the abrupt cascade,—Traité de mécanique, God damned French not fair wait . . . he was down flapping pages,—Bess the landlord’s daughter, plaiting a dark red loveknot into her long black hair try that.
—Yes I, I just wondered Mister Gibbs have you seen Mrs Joubert?
—Unbelievable Bast, black cascade of perfume came tumbling over his breast unbelievable wait, here’s one nice short one . . .
—But she, did she come with you up to the back apar . . .
—Twelve, thirteen fourteen . . .
—Jack? He’s here, will you come out and . . .
—Twenty-three, four, bring him in seven, eight, thirty-one . . .
—He’s waiting for us, damn it Jack will you . . .
—Nine, sixty, sixty-one . . .
—Mister Gibbs I think Mister Eig . . .
—Bring him in Tom, count deep-brow’d one word? Eighty-eight, -nine . . .
—Jack get up damn it, he’s out there waiting for us.
—Hundred twelve words On First Looking into Chapman’s Homer, three thousand a minute ought to make it in two point o two seconds ready? Muchhaveltravelldin . . .
—Jack!
—God damn it I’m coming . . . he got past 200 2-Ply,—just thought he’d like to hear . . .
—Mister Beamish, this is Mister Gibbs the other executor, I’m afraid he . . .
—Glad you got here Mister Beamish settle a dispute, call that arbitrage Tom, buy low sell high . . .
—Jack just wait there till I get in and get the light . . .
—Mister Beamish is an attorney Tom, settle this dispute about the confluence of Mister Beamish what’s the confluence of the Mongahela and what form the mighty Ohio in whose bosom, sorry I spill that on you?
—Jack this door’s already open, it’s not locked what . . .
—Got one question at a time, got Mister Beamish catching them faster than he can string them . . .
—Yes I, I believe it’s the Allegheny Mister Gibbs but I’m not absolutely . . .
—Allegheny Tom hear that?
—Right in here Mister Beamish it’s, I’m afraid it’s not exactly what you . . .
—No that’s quite all right . . .
—Don’t need to apologize Tom he’s not moving in, not moving in are you Beamish? Ceiling’s ready to come down.
—Oh no, no I . . .
—Sit down Mister Beamish, nice bed over there sit down watch the ceiling.
—Well thank you I don’t think I, I don’t think this will take very long, there doesn’t seem to be anything here of ah, of any great value and I don’t think we . . .
—Good let’s get started, Mister Beamish as the kindly Schramm family lawyer how do we price this shoe? May even be another one somewhere . . .
—Jack damn it get up off the floor, you’re the one who insisted Mister Beamish meet us here instead of his office what in hell are you trying to do.
—Trying to help the kindly fam schrammly lawyer evaluate the God damned estate, legal obligation as executors right Mister Beamish? Get a little percentage too right Beamish?
—Well yes Mister Gibbs but ah, I don’t think we need include such personal effects as ah, shoes, and I . . .
—Looks like a damned fine shoe to me sir, late King George V, Bootmakers, Peal and Company Limited can’t get the damned thing on though . . .
—And I should add Mister Gibbs I’m not really the Schramm family’s lawyer. I have handled occasional personal matters for them but my work is generally confined to the company and since the bulk of the ah, of your friend Mister Schramm’s estate appears to consist of his holdings in Triangle Products we face the problem of . . .
—Problem is Beamish . . . he was getting to his feet again,—problem isn’t anything here of any great value . . .
—Jack never mind it look, just sit down again and . . .
—Got to understand my co-executor Mister Beamish, problem is he wrote a very important novel a few years ago just won a modest award, comes out in paperback gets letters from college girls and little magazines ask him something for nothing but he hasn’t got anything to . . .
—Jack shut up.
—Problem was Beamish we all knew each other too long, whole God damned problem Schramm thought the very important novel was about Schramm . . .
—Jack God damn it listen . . .
—Please Mister Eigen I think, Mister Gibbs I don’t think you need go into . . .
—Ought to know what did Schramm in though Beamish, problem was the self who could do more problem was somebody ran off with it, read all about it in Mister Eigen’s very important . . .
—Jack! God, God damn you shut up!
—Yes I, I think if we can get on to more relevant matters Mister Gibbs . . .
—Well God damn it can’t you see that’s what I’m trying to do? Problem where’s that cup, problem isn’t anything here of any great value God damn it what do you think this is!
—I, I’m sorry Mister Gibbs I don’t follow your point, an old typewriter scarcely . . .
—No he means the papers Mister Beamish but it’s just something Schramm, the manuscript of a book Schramm was . . .
—I see yes of, of course but establishing a monetary value for the manuscript of a published work is still a gray area and in this case would merely complicate . . .
—Point is Beamish God damn it Tom explain it to him will you Tom? Point is it isn’t published Beamish, point is it isn’t even finished, point what the hell do you think the point was Schramm comes back here one eyed comes back to tell us all comes back and takes one look see that God damned pipe up there Beamish . . .?
—Yes but, that isn’t what I meant . . .
—Jack just sit down and, here damn it give me that cup.
—Empty Tom, have to go next door and get Old Struggler.
—Give it to me I’ll go next door and . . .
—No no hurry Tom have to tell Beamish . . .
—Well I want another one myself damn it . . .
—Have to explain to Beamish Tom, you go next door and fill it while I explain something to Beamish Tom . . .
—But Mister Eigen . . .
—I’ll be right back Mister Beamish and we’ll clear this right up.
—Point is Beamish you have to know the facts, I can’t read this manuscript to you till you know the facts, see that in his will about Arlington but you have to know the facts, point is the war was the only time Schramm was ever really Sch
ramm, that right Tom? Where the hell did he go. Little town called Beamish Mister, Saint Fiacre Mister Beamish, Belgian town snuggled up against the Ardennes where they broke through in that last big offensive and there’s Schramm out there with a few tanks holding the point. God damned general pulling his armor back as fast as he can there’s Schramm out there holding the point of the whole God damned defense perimeter with a few tanks against a whole God damned Panzer army coming down out of the Ardennes. Second night Schramm’s out there holding the point gets ready to fall back to his own lines there aren’t any God damned lines, general’s got himself and his whole God damned division what’s left of it pulled back twenty miles says later he radioed Schramm to pull back the end of the first day was a God damned lie, whole God damned Panzer army coming down on them finally knock out Schramm’s tank he damned near froze, hit in the leg and they take him prisoner damned near froze, ever see his limp? So God damned ashamed being taken prisoner he always tried to hide it, walked without showing it except when he was tired always drag a foot when he was tired, God damned general shelling his own front lines while he’s pulling out recommends Schramm for a medal for calling in shells on his own position holding that point God damned general still going around calling this the classic use of armor in defense, tells the history books how he stalled Blaufinger’s whole God damned Panzer army at Saint Fiacre long enough to break the back of the whole God damned Ardennes offensive there’s Schramm out there waiting for orders that never, Tom? Just filling Mister Beamish in on, thanks . . . wanted to know why in hell Schramm wants to be buried at Arlington out there holding the point waiting for orders while General Box wins the war, didn’t offer Mister Beamish any Tom. Here you go Mister Beamish . . .
—Oh no, no thank you . . .
—Sorry any of that get on you?
—It’s quite all right but, perhaps now we could . . .
—Trying to hurry Beamish . . . the cup came up for a long pull and he reached for the papers,—point is Schramm wasn’t just trying to write another God damned war book, whole God damned point in Faust the Lord has everything laid out for Faust to win but he won’t tell Faust, what the hell do you expect Faust to do? Lord staying above the God damned battle letting him break his God damned neck fighting for what was planned for him all the time what the hell do you . . .