The Crab-Flower Club

  ‘There wasn’t anything nice,’ he said. ‘But I had an extra bowl of rice.’

  Then, after the briefest pause:

  ‘Where’s Cousin Lin?’

  ‘In the inner room,’ said Grandmother Jia.

  In the inner room a maid stood below the kang blowing on a flat-iron. Up on the kang two maids were marking some material with a chalked string, while Dai-yu, her head bent low over her work, was engaged in cutting something from it with her shears.

  ‘What are you making?’ he asked her. ‘You’ll give yourself a headache, stooping down like that immediately after your lunch.’

  Dai-yu took no notice and went on cutting.

  ‘That corner looks a bit creased still,’ said one of the maids. ‘It will have to be ironed again.’

  ‘Leave it alone!’ said Dai-yu, laying down her shears. ‘It will be all right presently.’

  Bao-yu found her reply puzzling.

  Bao-chai, Tan-chun and the rest had now arrived in the outer room and were talking to Grandmother Jia. Presently Bao-chai drifted inside and asked Dai-yu what she was doing; then, when she saw that she was cutting material, she exclaimed admiringly.

  ‘What a lot of things you can do, Dai! Fancy, even dress-making now!’

  Dai-yu smiled malignantly.

  ‘Oh, it’s all lies, really. I just do it to fool people.’

  ‘I’ve got something to tell you that I think will amuse you, Dai,’ said Bao-chai pleasantly. ‘When our cousin was holding forth about that medicine just now and I said I didn’t know about it, I believe actually he was rather wounded.’

  ‘Oh, leave him alone!’ said Dai-yu. ‘He will be all right presently.’

  ‘Grandma wants someone to play dominoes with,’ said Bao-yu to Bao-chai. ‘Why don’t you go and play dominoes?’

  ‘Oh, is that what I came for?’ said Bao-chai; but she went, notwithstanding.

  ‘Why don’t you go?’ said Dai-yu. ‘There’s a tiger in this room. You might get eaten.’

  She said this still bending over her cutting, which she continued to work away at without looking up at him.

  Finding himself once more ignored, Bao-yu nevertheless attempted to remain jovial.

  ‘Why don’t you come out for a bit too? You can do this cutting later.’

  Dai-yu contined to take no notice.

  Failing to get a response from her, he tried the maids:

  ‘Who told her to do this dress-making?’

  ‘Whoever told her to do it,’ said Dai-yu, ‘it has nothing whatever to do with Master Bao.’

  Bao-yu was about to retort, but just at that moment someone came in to say that he was wanted outside, and he was obliged to hurry off.

  Dai-yu leaned forward and shouted after him:

  ‘Holy name! By the time you get back, I shall be dead.’

  Outside the gateway to the inner quarters Bao-yu found Tealeaf waiting.

  ‘Mr Feng invites you round to his house,’ said Tealeaf.

  Bao-yu realized that this must be in connection with the matter Feng Zi-ying had spoken of on the previous day. He told Tealeaf to send for his going-out clothes, and went into his outer study to wait for them.

  Tealeaf went back to the west inner gate to wait for someone who would carry a message inside to the maids. Presently an old woman came out:

  ‘Excuse me, missus,’ said Tealeaf. ‘Master Bao is waiting in the outer study for his going-out clothes. Could you take a message inside to say that he wants them?’

  ‘— your mother’s twat!’ said the old woman. ‘Master Bao lives in the Garden now. All his maids are in the Garden. What do you want to come running round here for?’

  Tealeaf laughed at his own mistake.

  ‘You’re quite right. I’m going cuckoo.’

  He ran round to the gate of the Garden. As luck would have it, the boys on that gate were playing football in the open space below the terraced walk, and when Tealeaf had explained his errand, one of them ran off inside for him. He returned after a very long wait, carrying a large bundle, which he handed to Tealeaf, and which Tealeaf carried back to the outer study.

  While he was changing, Bao-yu asked for his horse to be saddled, and presently set off, taking only Tealeaf, Ploughboy, Two-times and Oldie as his attendants. When they reached Feng Zi-ying’s gate, someone ran in to announce his arrival, and Feng Zi-ying came out in person to greet him and led him inside to meet the company.

  This comprised Xue Pan, who had evidently been waiting there for some time, a number of boy singers, a female impersonator called Jiang Yu-han and a girl called Nuageuse from the Budding Grove, a high-class establishment specializing in female entertainers. When everyone had been introduced, tea was served.

  ‘Now come on!’ said Bao-yu, as he picked up the proffered cup of tea. ‘What about this “lucky accident” you mentioned yesterday? I’ve been waiting anxiously to hear about it ever since I saw you. That’s why I came so promptly when I got your invitation.’

  Feng Zi-ying laughed.

  ‘You and your cousin are such simple souls – I find it rahver touchin’! Afraid it was pure invention, what I said yesterday. I said it to make you come, because I fought that if I asked you outright to come and drink wiv me, you’d make excuses. Anyway, it worked.’

  The company joined in his merriment.

  Wine was now brought in and everyone sat down in the places assigned to them. Feng Zi-ying first got one of the singing-boys to pour for them; then he called on Nuageuse to drink with each of the guests in turn.

  Xue Pan, by the time he had three little cupfuls of wine inside him, was already beginning to be obstreperous. He seized Nuageuse by the hand and drew her towards him:

  ‘If you’d sing me a nice new song – one of your specials, I’d drink a whole jarful for you. How about it, eh?’

  Nuageuse had to oblige him by taking up her lute and singing the following song for him to her own accompaniment:

  Two lovely boys

  Are both in love with me

  And I can’t get either from my mind.

  Both are so beautiful

  So wonderful

  So marvellous

  To give up either one would be unkind.

  Last night I promised I would go

  To meet one of them in the garden where the roses grow;

  The other came to see what he could find.

  And now that we three are all

  Here in this tribunal,

  There are no words that come into my mind.

  ‘There you are!’ she said. ‘Now drink your jarful!’

  ‘That one’s not worth a jarful,’ said Xue Pan. ‘Sing us a better one.’

  ‘Now just a minute,’ said Bao-yu. ‘Just guzzling like this will make us drunk in no time without giving us any real enjoyment. I’ve got a good new drinking-game for you. Let me first drink the M .C.’s starting-cup, and I’ll tell you the rules. After that, anyone who doesn’t toe the line will be made to drink ten sconce-cups straight off as a forfeit, give up his seat at the party, and spend the rest of the time pouring out drinks for the rest of us.’

  Feng Zi-ying and Jiang Yu-han agreed enthusiastically, and Bao-yu picked up one of the extra large cups that had now been provided and drained its contents at a single draught.

  ‘Now,’ he said. ‘We’re going to take four words – let’s say “upset”, “glum”, “blest” and “content”. You have to begin by saying “The girl is—”, and then you say one of the four words. That’s your first line. The next line has to rhyme with the first line and it has to give the reason why the girl is whatever it says – “upset” or “glum” or “blest” or “content”. When you’ve done all four, you’re entitled to drink the wine in front of you. Only, before drinking it, you’ve first got to sing some new popular song; and after you’ve drunk it, you’ve got to choose some animal or vegetable object from the things in front of us and recite a line from a well-known poem, or an old couplet, or a quotation from the cla
ssics—’

  Before he could finish, Xue Pan was on his feet, protesting vigorously:

  ‘You can count me out of this. I’m taking no part in this. This is just to make a fool of me, isn’t it?’

  Nuageuse, too, stood up and attempted to push him back into his seat:

  ‘What are you so afraid of, a practised drinker like you? You can’t be any worse at this sort of thing than I am, and I’m going to have a go when my turn comes. If you do it all right, you’ve got nothing to worry about, and even if you can’t, you’ll only be made to drink a few cups of wine; whereas if you refuse to follow the rules at the very outset, you’ll have to drink ten sconces straight off in a row and then be thrown out of the party and made to pour drinks for the rest of us.’

  ‘Bravo!’ cried the others, clapping; and Xue Pan, seeing them united against him, subsided.

  Bao-yu now began his own turn:

  ‘The girl’s upset:

  The years pass by, but no one’s claimed her yet.

  The girl looks glum:

  Her true-love’s gone to follow ambition’s drum.

  The girl feels blest:

  The mirror shows her looks are at their best.

  The girl’s content:

  Long summer days in pleasant pastimes spent.’

  The others all applauded, except Xue Pan, who shook his head disapprovingly:

  ‘No good, no good!’ he said. ‘Pay the forfeit.’

  ‘Why, what’s wrong with it?’ they asked him.

  ‘I couldn’t understand a word of it.’

  Nuageuse gave him a pinch:

  ‘Keep quiet and try to think what you’re going to say,’ she advised him; ‘otherwise you’ll have nothing ready when your own turn comes and you’ll have to pay the forfeit yourself.’

  Thereupon she picked up her lute and accompanied Bao-yu as he sang the following song:

  ‘Still weeping tears of blood about our separation:

  Little red love-beans of my desolation.

  Still blooming flowers I see outside my window growing.

  Still awake in the dark I hear the wind a-blowing.

  Still oh still I can’t forget those old hopes and fears.

  Still can’t swallow food and drink, ’cos I’m choked with tears.

  Mirror, mirror on the wall, tell me it’s not true:

  Do I look so thin and pale, do I look so blue?

  Mirror, mirror, this long night how shall I get through?

  Oh – oh – oh!

  Blue as the mist upon the distant mountains,

  Blue as the water in the ever-flowing fountains.’

  General applause – except from Xue Pan, who objected that there was ‘no rhythm’.

  Bao-yu now drank his well-earned cup – the ‘pass cup’ as they call it – and, picking up a slice of pear from the table, concluded his turn with the following quotation:

  ‘Rain whips the pear-tree, shut fast the door.’

  Now it was Feng Zi-ying’s turn:

  ‘The girl’s upset:

  Her husband’s ill and she’s in debt.

  The girl looks glum:

  The gale has turned her room into a slum.

  The girl feels blest:

  She’s got twin babies at the breast.

  The girl’s content:

  Waiting a certain pleasurable event.’

  Next, holding up his cupful of wine in readiness to drink, he sang this song:

  ‘You’re so exciting,

  And so inviting;

  You’re my Mary Contrary;

  You’re a crazy, mad thing.

  You’re my goddess, but oh! you’re deaf to my praying:

  Why won’t you listen to what I am saying?

  If you don’t believe me, make a small investigation:

  You will soon find out the true depth of my admiration.’

  Then he drained his bumper and, picking up a piece of chicken from one of the dishes, ended the performance, prior to popping it into his mouth, with a line from Wen Ting-yun:

  ‘From moonlit cot the cry of chanticleer.’

  Next it was the turn of Nuageuse:

  ‘The girl’s upset:’

  she began,

  ‘Not knowing how the future’s to be met –’

  Xue Pan laughed noisily.

  ‘That’s all right, my darling, don’t you worry! Your Uncle Xue will take care of you.’

  ‘Shush!’ said the others. ‘Don’t confuse her.’

  She continued:

  ‘The girl looks glum:

  Nothing but blows and hard words from her Mum –’

  ‘I saw that Mum of yours the other day,’ said Xue Pan, ‘and I particularly told her that she wasn’t to beat you.’

  ‘Another word from you,’ said the others, ‘and you’ll be made to drink ten cups as a punishment.’

  Xue Pan gave his own face a slap.

  ‘Sorry! I forgot. Won’t do it again.’

  ‘The girl feels blest:’

  said Nuageuse,

  ‘Her young man’s rich and beautifully dressed.

  The girl’s content:

  She’s been performing in a big event.’

  Next Nuageuse sang her song:

  ‘A flower began to open in the month of May.

  Along came a honey-bee to sport and play.

  He pushed and he squeezed to get inside,

  But he couldn’t get in however hard he tried.

  So on the flower’s lip he just hung around,

  A-playing the see-saw up and down.

  Oh my honey-sweet,

  Oh my sweets of sin,

  If I don’t open up,

  How will you get in?’

  After drinking her ‘pass cup’, she picked up a peach:

  ‘So bonny blooms the peach-tree-o.’

  It was now Xue Pan’s turn.

  ‘Ah yes, now, let’s see! I have to say something now, don’t I?’

  ‘The girl’s upset –’

  But nothing followed.

  ‘All right, what’s she upset about then?’ said Feng Zi-ying with a laugh. ‘Buck up!’

  Xue Pan appeared to be engaged in a species of mental effort so frightful that his eyes seemed about to pop out of his head. After glaring fixedly for an unconscionable time, he said:

  ‘The girl’s upset –’

  He coughed a couple of times. Then at last it came:

  ‘The girl’s upset:

  She’s married to a marmoset.’

  The others greeted this with a roar of laughter.

  ‘What are you laughing at?’ said Xue Pan. ‘That’s perfectly reasonable, isn’t it? If a girl was expecting a proper husband and he turned out to be one of them, she’d have cause to be upset, wouldn’t she?’

  His audience were by now doubled up.

  ‘That’s perfectly true,’ they conceded. ‘Very good. Now what about the next bit?’

  Xue Pan glared a while very concentratedly, then:

  ‘The girl looks glum –’

  But after that was silence.

  ‘Come on!’ said the others. ‘Why was she glum?’

  ‘His dad’s a baboon with a big red bum.’

  ‘Ho! Ho! Ho! Pay the forfeit,’ they cried. ‘The first one was bad enough. We really can’t let this one go.’

  The more officious of them even began filling the sconce-cups for him. But Bao-yu allowed the line.

  ‘As long as it rhymes,’ he said, ‘we’ll let it pass.’

  ‘There you are!’ said Xue Pan. ‘The M.C. says it’s all right. What are the rest of you making such a fuss about?’

  At this the others desisted.

  ‘The next two are even harder,’ said Nuageuse. ‘Shall I do them for you, dear?’

  ‘Piss off!’ said Xue Pan. ‘D’you think I haven’t got any good lines of my own? Listen to this:

  The girl feels blest:

  In bridal bower she takes her rest.’

  The others stared at him in amazement:


  ‘I say, old chap, that’s a bit poetical for you, isn’t it?’

  Xue Pan continued unconcernedly:

  ‘The girl’s content:

  She’s got a big prick up her vent.’

  The others looked away with expressions of disgust.

  ‘Oh dear, oh dear! Hurry up and get on with the song, then.’

  ‘One little gnat went hum hum hum,’

  Xue Pan began tunelessly. The others looked at him open-mouthed:

  ‘What sort of song is that?’

  Xue Pan droned on, ignoring the question:

  ‘Two little flies went bum bum bum,

  Three little–’

  ‘Stop!’ shouted the others.

  ‘Sod you lot!’ said Xue Pan. ‘This is the very latest new hit. It’s called the Hum-bum Song. If you can’t be bothered to listen to it, you’ll have to let me off the other thing. I’ll agree not to sing the rest of the song on that condition.’

  ‘Yes, yes, we’ll let you off,’ they said. ‘Just don’t interfere with the rest of us, that’s all we ask.’

  This meant that it was now Jiang Yu-han’s turn to perform. This is what he said:

  ‘The girl’s upset:

  Her man’s away, she fears he will forget.

  The girl looks glum:

  So short of cash she can’t afford a crumb.

  The girl feels blest:

  Her lampwick’s got a lucky crest.

  The girl’s content:

  She’s married to a perfect gent.’

  Then he sang this song:

  ‘A mischievous bundle of charm and love,

  Or an angel come down from the skies above?

  Sweet sixteen

  And so very green,

  Yet eager to see all there is to be seen.

  Aie aie aie

  The galaxy’s high

  In the roof of the sky,

  And the drum from the tower

  Sounds the midnight hour.

  So trim the lamp, love, and come with me

  Inside the bed-curtains, and you shall see!’

  He raised the pass cup to his lips, but before drinking it, smiled round at his auditors and made this little speech: