Where Yesterday Lives

“Oh, Ellen, come on. Stop being so dramatic. You know I love you.”

  Ellen felt the sting of tears. Her husband had rejected her when she needed him most; she had no desire to fight him now.

  “No. I don’t. And that’s the saddest part of all. I need you, Mike.” She uttered a short laugh. “And you’re not here. How am I supposed to know you love me?”

  Mike was quiet. “I don’t know what to say.”

  She waited a moment and then reached into her purse beside the bed for her airline tickets.

  “I’m coming home on Flight 252 at 5:30 Sunday evening.” It was her professional voice, the one she used at work. Businesslike, without a trace of the pain that was strangling her heart. “Will you be there or should I take a taxi?”

  “Of course I’ll be there. I’ll come straight from the game. Hey, when we get home let’s go out and talk.”

  “Fine. Listen, I’d better go. We have things to do this morning.”

  “Ellen, don’t be mad.”

  “I’m not mad. I’m hurt—” She broke off. “You don’t understand me at all, do you?”

  Mike sighed. It was a totally dejected sound. “I’m sorry, Ellen. I guess we need to communicate better.”

  “Good-bye, Mike. Do me a favor and don’t call these next few days. I need some time to think.”

  There was a painful silence. “Whatever you want, Ellen. I’ll see you Sunday.”

  “Fine.”

  As she hung up Ellen struggled with her anger. How could he be so insensitive? He knew how close she and her father had been. The urge to call Jake was strong, but instead she closed her eyes. Help me, Lord. Help me before I give in to my heart and completely destroy everything you’ve ever given me. She took a deep breath and as she did the phone on the nightstand next to her rang. Her heart lurched and she reached for it, wondering if maybe it might be Jake.

  “Hello?”

  “Ellen?”

  “Leslie?” An answer to prayer, but not the one she’d been wrongly hoping for. “Somehow I’m not surprised you found me. How did you know I was here?”

  “Mike told me. Ellen, I’m so sorry about your dad.”

  Tears filled Ellen’s eyes and spilled onto her cheeks…tears of loss. But Ellen wasn’t sure if they were over her father—or her marriage.

  She talked then, telling Leslie how badly she missed her dad and of the struggles with Jane and the others. As they talked, Ellen quickly remembered why she and Leslie had been friends for so long. Nothing ever changed with Leslie. The two might not talk for years and still they could pick up where they left off. They had that kind of friendship. Especially after that weekend when Leslie led her to Christ.

  When it seemed like their conversation was winding down, Leslie’s tone of voice suddenly changed. “Okay, come on, Ellen,” she sounded gently suspicious, almost parental. “What else?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Please, Ellen. I’ve known you longer than that. I know you’re upset about your dad, but there’s something else going on. I can see it in your eyes.”

  “You can’t see my eyes.”

  “Okay, then I can see it in your voice. But I can see it. Clear as if you were standing in the same room with me. Mike isn’t there, and that’s bugging you big time.”

  Ellen sighed. “Is it always like that? The person who leads you to the Lord can see right through you when you’re blowing it?”

  “Talk to me, Ellen. What’s happening out there?”

  “Oh, Leslie, I don’t know. Everything’s so mixed up right now.”

  “Can I tell you something?”

  “Go ahead.”

  “When I found out you went to Petoskey by yourself I had this crazy thought that I should pray for you, that maybe, even though it’d been years, you might call Jake Sadler.”

  Ellen uttered a short laugh. “Well, that settles it.”

  “What?”

  “God knows what he’s doing. I mean, are you serious? You’ve been praying for me?”

  “Mm-hmm. Hoping you wouldn’t do anything you’d regret. Did you, Ellen? Did you call him?”

  “Yes.” The word came out hoarse. “But not because I wanted to get back at Mike. Nothing like that. Leslie, I keep thinking back to when my dad was healthy and everyone got along. I have a million happy memories, and Jake is right there in the middle of all of them. I had to call him. He’s the only one who really knows how I feel.”

  “So you’ve seen him?”

  “A few times. He’s changed, Leslie. He’s grown up and he’s a wonderful man, honest and considerate. He’s been there every time I’ve needed him.”

  “Is he married?”

  “No.”

  Leslie hesitated, then went on, her tone cautious but firm. “Ellen, don’t take this wrong. But you and Jake had something very special, beyond the usual high school romance thing.”

  “So?”

  “So don’t you think, if you’re really honest with yourself, that it’s possible Jake’s still in love with you?”

  “Have you been following me, Leslie?”

  “Am I close to home?”

  “Very close. I never would have thought it was true, but now that I’ve seen him I’d be lying to say he doesn’t still care for me. He does.”

  “And you?”

  “Well, you know that special something we shared in high school and afterwards? It’s still there. Whatever it is it hasn’t gone away with time.”

  “Okay, this is totally off the subject.” Leslie paused. “And it might be a long shot, but how are you doing spiritually?”

  Ellen had no response.

  “I thought so.” Leslie sighed. “Oh, Ellen, I feel so bad. I haven’t called or prayed for you or done any of the things I should have done over the years.”

  “It isn’t your fault, Leslie. Life goes on and people go their own ways. You weren’t responsible for my walk with the Lord. I was.”

  “You still believe, don’t you?”

  “Of course. It’s not that we denounced our faith or anything. We just sort of dropped out of the whole Christian circle.” Ellen shifted to a more comfortable position, leaning back against the headboard as her mother had done earlier. “You wouldn’t believe how easily it is to let that go when you’re both working full-time during the week. It’s like we convinced ourselves that the weekends were ours. We were too busy for church. Before long we were too busy to pray and too busy to talk about God. You think there’s a connection, right?” She altered her voice so that she sounded like a newscaster. “Christian couple strays from God and winds up on the skids.”

  “Don’t you?”

  “I don’t know. It seems more complicated than that. Mike doesn’t love me like he used to. No one should have to stay in that kind of relationship forever.”

  “I don’t care how far from God you are today, Ellen, God hasn’t moved.”

  Ellen wanted to get angry, but there was so much compassion in Leslie’s voice that she couldn’t.

  “God’s there,” Leslie went on, “and he expects you to honor your marriage vows. Satan would love to make you think you and Mike don’t belong together anymore. He’d love to destroy the knot that God himself tied. I only wish I’d called sooner so we could have prayed about it before now.”

  “I don’t know, Leslie. I don’t think it would have helped. Mike isn’t going to change. Not for me, not for anyone.”

  “So you’ve written off the Word, too. Remember Luke 1:37? Nothing is impossible with God.” Leslie waited a moment. “I don’t want to sound trite, like I’m giving you just another pat answer. But it’s true. You loved Mike with all your heart, Ellen. You loved him for all the right reasons. Somewhere, buried deep within the man, those reasons still exist.”

  “And you think prayer will change him back to the man he was?”

  “Or help you to see the man he still is, deep down. You should know how powerful prayer is, Ellen. You’ve seen God work in your life. You prayed about t
he job at the Gazette and got a position when no one else with your experience would have been considered. You prayed that God would help you forget about Jake and next thing you know you’re dating the handsome and godly Mike Miller. Have you really stopped believing in prayer?”

  Tears stung Ellen’s eyes again and she blinked them away. She thought of her miscarriages and how things had changed with Mike. Her throat was thick when she could finally speak. “Maybe I have.”

  “What about Mike?”

  “I don’t know. He and I don’t pray together, we don’t read the Bible anymore.” She bit her lip and the tears trickled down her cheek. “I guess neither of us should be surprised that we aren’t doing well.”

  “So do something about it. Put Jake out of your mind and get busy.”

  Ellen’s voice was barely a whisper. “What if I don’t want to?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I’m mad at Mike. I don’t want to pray with him and work everything out. Right now I don’t even care if I do something that’ll hurt him.”

  “I can think of someone you could hurt more than Mike.”

  “Who?”

  “God. Your Lord, your Savior. Remember him? Remember reading the Bible with me that day in my bedroom and realizing for the first time what Jesus suffered. Remember? When you finally understood that he took his place on the cross that day because one of the faces on his mind was yours? You couldn’t stop crying. He loves you. And he’s the one you will hurt the most, Ellen. He’s the one you’ll be unfaithful to.” She paused, then asked softly, “Do you really want to treat God the way Jake treated you so many times?”

  Ellen’s shoulders sagged forward and the trickle of tears became a stream. She still wanted to call Jake, even now. Wanted to see him so badly, to spend time with him even though it would hurt Mike. Or maybe because it would hurt Mike. But picturing the Lord in pain because of her selfishness was almost more than she could bear.

  Leslie’s voice was thick when she went on, as though she, too, was crying. “Marriages take work, Ellen. Hours of communication, moments of honesty when needs are expressed and problems worked through. But most of all they take prayer, from both of you. If you and Mike aren’t praying and worshiping together, then you don’t stand a chance. None of us would. A cord of three strands is not easily broken.”

  Ellen sniffed and wiped her eyes. She hoped none of the others would look for her now that the morning was wearing on. She needed time to think.

  “It-it kills me to think I might be making God sad.” She sobbed softly. “Oh, Leslie, I’ve blown it so bad.”

  “No. That’s where you’re wrong. You haven’t blown anything. Not yet. God is there with you. You can leave him but he’ll never leave you, Ellen. Never. Remember that night when you asked Christ into your heart?”

  “Mm-hmm.”

  “You prayed that God would keep you away from Jake. He was your strongest weakness then and he’s your strongest weakness now. Pray it again, Ellen. Come on, right now.”

  Ellen was crying even harder. She couldn’t bring herself to say the words. “I can’t. You pray.”

  “Okay.”

  Ellen squeezed her eyes shut as her body shook with each silent sob. She listened intently to Leslie’s gentle words.

  “Lord, precious Savior and Father, we come before you and lift up Ellen. She’s hurting now and she needs your touch. Give her peace and wisdom and comfort so that she will survive this week, the funeral of her father, the strained relationships with her family. The nearness of Jake Sadler. Lord, please keep her strong in the face of temptation. As she prayed so long ago, we pray again, Lord. Keep her away from Jake. And please restore her love for Mike. I pray that they will feel a desperate need to be back in your presence, in the shelter of your church, and the strength of your Word. Thank you, Lord. In Jesus’ name, amen.”

  There was silence for a moment.

  “Ellen, you okay?”

  Her tears under control now, Ellen cleared her throat. “Thanks. Keep praying for me, will you, Leslie? I know what’s right, but the only way I’ll do it is if I keep my eyes on God.”

  “And off Jake Sadler.”

  Her heart constricted at the truth. “Right. Listen, I gotta go. I’ll call you later and let you know how things went.”

  “Okay Give my love to your family.”

  “Yeah. Thanks. And thanks for being there, Leslie. I needed you.”

  “Hey, I love you, Ellen. Mike loves you. I’ll be praying for you guys. And you know what?”

  “What?”

  “Somewhere, I believe your dad is praying for you, too. When I think of people who lived their entire lives in faith, I think of him. Follow his example, Ellen. Please.”

  “Thanks. Talk to you later.”

  Slowly Leslie hung up the phone. Ellen’s words, the pain in her voice, rang in Leslie’s mind. Quickly she lifted the receiver again and dialed Imogene Spencer at the First Baptist Church office.

  “Imogene, it’s me, Leslie. About my friend, the one on the prayer chain, I want to make that prayer request a bit more specific.”

  Ellen hung up the phone, wishing she felt better.

  Leslie was right, of course; there was only one right thing to do. But still Ellen was confused. In fact, nothing about that week’s events made sense. Ellen fingered her wedding ring and knew one thing for certain. Her entire future depended on the decisions she would make in the days to come.

  She pulled the sheets off her bare legs and climbed out of bed. It was time to get ready. The others would be there soon and she didn’t want to hold them up.

  She twisted out of her nightshirt and climbed into the shower. As the hot water ran down her body she struggled to clear her mind. But no matter how hard she tried, one question remained.

  If you love me, Mike, why aren’t you here?

  Twenty-four

  Later that morning everyone but Aaron piled into the family van and headed for the mall. After two hours of shopping only Jane had not found a dress for the funeral.

  Ellen was ready to scream.

  “What exactly are you looking for, Jane?” Mom tried to sound patient.

  “I don’t care; whatever I can find.”

  “Honey we have a lot to do today and I wanted to take you girls to lunch. We’ve been to three stores and you haven’t liked anything yet. I’m just wondering what you’re looking for.”

  “In other words, could you hurry and find something,” Ellen added. She had been on edge since talking to Leslie, as if the battle for her heart was intensifying with each moment. It was taking every fiber of her control to keep from calling Jake and spending the afternoon with him.

  “Lay off, Ellen,” Jane snapped.

  Their mother placed a soothing hand on Jane’s arm.

  “Girls,” she said, her voice calm. “Let’s not get angry with each other.” She turned to Jane. “I was only trying to help you narrow your options so we could finish up and get to lunch.”

  Jane stared at Ellen and then their mother, her face twisted in frustration. “You know, I’m doing my best. You’d have a hard time, too, if you were trying to find a dress with three children pulling at you.”

  “Here, dear.” Mom reached down to take Koley’s and Kala’s hands. “Let me watch the children while you look.”

  “Fine,” Jane snapped again. She turned around and walked toward the women’s clothing, pushing Kyle’s baby stroller while Koley and Kala linked hands with their grandmother and walked along behind her. Ten minutes later Jane had picked out a dress and paid for it.

  “Satisfied?” She looked at Ellen.

  Megan sighed impatiently and Amy remained motionless. Their mother looked at the faces before her and forced a smile.

  “Well. Now that we’re all getting along so well, let’s go to lunch.” There was not a trace of sarcasm in her voice.

  Ellen marveled at her mother. The woman always had the ability to don a smile regardless of the circumstan
ces. She and Jane used to accuse their mom of burying her head in the sand because she never wanted to discuss anything remotely controversial. Now she was starting to wonder if it wasn’t just her mother’s way of doing her best to hold her family together.

  They moved silently through the mall, back to the car, and said nothing to each other as Mom drove to a nearby Italian restaurant. After the meal they headed home and rested until Aunt Mary arrived to watch the children. It was three o’clock and they had an appointment in thirty minutes. It was time to pick out a casket.

  Three cars made the trip to Stone’s Funeral Home. Ellen rode with Megan, Mom took Amy and Jane, and Aaron rode by himself. By that time their father’s body had been embalmed, dressed in his best Sunday suit and tie, and made up to look “lifelike.”

  Ellen was thankful they wouldn’t have to see him yet. That would come the following night, Friday, at the public viewing. Today was the final day of planning, of meeting with the director of the mortuary so they could choose a casket and coordinate the funeral plans.

  The mortuary was conservatively set back from the road. It had beige siding and a black, shingled roof. Each window had decorative shutters accented in white trim. Stone’s Funeral Home had been in business since 1899 and had a reputation for being one of the most capable in Northern Michigan. The grounds were a carefully manicured carpet of deep green, and not far from the main entrance an American flag flickered in the afternoon breeze.

  Ellen thought it was probably supposed to look like a very large family home. It did not. For all its careful upkeep, it still looked like death.

  They filed quietly into the somber building and waited in a lobby for someone to help them. Ellen glanced down and noticed a standing ashtray near the foyer. For future customers.

  “Smells weird,” Megan whispered, and Ellen nodded.

  “Hello there.” A thin man reminiscent of Ichabod Crane appeared and ushered them into a spacious office. He spoke in hushed tones, exuding an appropriate aura of respect for his clients’ loss. “You’re the Barrett family, I presume.”

  “Yes.” Mom clutched her purse tightly.

  “Fine. Take a seat.” He motioned to the padded chairs around the room. “I’ve been expecting you. I’m Mr. Whitson.”