Where Yesterday Lives

  “I have my insurance information if you’d like it.” She did her best to ignore Mike Miller’s partially concealed grin.

  “Sure,” the driver said. “Never a bad idea after a fender-bender.”

  Ellen opened her car door and searched frantically for her purse. It contained her insurance card, her driver’s license, and her press credentials. Suddenly she knew with sinking certainty that it was back at her apartment.

  She pulled out of the car slowly and put her hands on her hips, exposing her uneven blouse once more. “I’m sorry I can’t seem to find my purse. It has everything, all my information.”

  The driver of the van nodded and Mike tried to contain a chuckle.

  “No problem. Everything’s okay on our end, right, Mike?”

  Mike cleared his throat and tried to look serious. “Well, my neck’s a little sore…” He rubbed his hand along the base of his skull. He wore leather loafers, dark wool slacks, and a starched white button down which contrasted sharply with his paisley silk tie. He was the picture of cool confidence.

  Ellen stared at him beseechingly.

  He caught her glance and smiled warmly. “No, I’m just kidding. But you better retrace your steps and see if you can find your purse. That could be a real disaster.”

  Everyone laughed, though Ellen’s sounded a bit hollow, and the men bid her farewell as they climbed into their van. Ellen watched them disappear, then quickly got into her car and headed back toward Detroit.

  She had ninety minutes until her appointment with the coach.

  Two hours later, still breathless from the morning’s events, she walked out of the offensive coordinator’s office. She did not have a front-page story, but she had enough information to pull a feature together. The stairs to the press box seemed to go on forever and she was weary by the time she located her seat. She filed her notes and began checking her purse for a pencil.

  “I see you found it.”

  Ellen looked up and found herself staring into Mike Miller’s teasing blue eyes. Seating assignments for members of the press were made long before game time, and he was seated right next to her.

  Ellen sighed and dropped her head in her hands. “Why can’t this day end?”

  “Hey, why didn’t you say you worked for the Gazette?”

  Ellen peered at him through the spaces between her fingers. “I was hoping once I fixed my buttons you might not recognize me.”

  Mike laughed. For the rest of the game he teased and talked with her, and the morning flew by. She had expected him to be ruthless—condescending and unforgiving of the mistakes she’d made earlier in the day. Instead he was helpful. He treated her with respect and consideration and was careful to avoid discussing the accident.

  When the game was over Ellen gathered her things. “Guess I’ll see you next week.” She smiled at him.

  “Hey Ellen, you mind if I get your phone number?”

  Ellen felt the heat flood her cheeks. “Oh, the accident. Right. I’ve got my insurance information here somewhere.” She began digging through her purse, suddenly nervous. “I have insurance, really, I do. I just didn’t have my purse with me. But I guess you know that, don’t you?”

  Mike placed his hand gently on her arm so that she stopped talking and looked up at him. He had the palest blue eyes she’d ever seen.

  “I don’t want your insurance information, Ellen. I asked for your phone number.” His smile warmed her all the way down to her toes. “I was hoping you might have dinner with me sometime…”

  The memory of that smile tugged at Ellen’s weary heart, and she rolled over in bed, squeezing her eyes tight against the tears that threatened to fall. If only things had stayed that way…if only she and Mike had found a way to hold on to the wonder they’d found together…

  If only life had turned out differently.

  Three

  There was no break in the heat that weekend and Ellen stayed inside where it was cool, sorting through scrapbooks and boxes of tattered memories, drifting back in time. She wanted to find her prayer journal, the one she had kept when she first became a Christian. There she would find the words she’d written after she and Mike first met. And maybe then she would remember the reasons they married, the reasons they should fight to keep their marriage from falling apart. Besides, the task kept her from thinking of her father’s death. Right now it was easier to believe she was headed back to Petoskey for a reunion with her siblings than to accept the fact that her father was no longer alive.

  Ellen rubbed her weary eyes and gazed at the clock. She had the afternoon ahead of her. Mike was covering weekend sports. When he’d been home earlier their conversation had been stilted, forced. She sighed and reached into a torn cardboard box, sifting through the contents of what once had consumed her heart.

  The box contained half-filled journals and what seemed like hundreds of letters. Peering inside, Ellen saw a series of inked-in hearts doodled painstakingly across the top of folded, yellowed notebook paper. She lifted the paper from the others and unfolded it gingerly so the creases wouldn’t tear.

  It was a letter from Jake.

  She sighed. The words had nearly faded from view, the way everything else about Jake already had. She ran her fingers over the wrinkles, glanced at the date and quickly figured Jake must have written it in his junior year at Petoskey High.

  “Hey Bucko, what’s up?” Ellen read the words silently and for the first time in years she could hear his voice.

  You probably already know this but I’ve got basketball practice after school. That’s a big-time bummer. Know why? I’ll tell you. Cuz I’d rather clean my garage or straighten my books. (J.K.) Truth is I’d rather spend the afternoon with you. I know that shocks you what with the hordes of girls flocking around my locker. (Right!!!) Serious now. You’re the only one I want to see, Ellen. I mean it. Even if you do like raisins on your salad (sick!) and drive that ugly burnt orange tank. (I made a mental note to never let you drive again. My Bug’s the only way to go!) Speaking of which, you and Leslie and Rick HAVE to go to the game Friday night. I think I’ll score the big 3-0 and then wink at you like they do in the pros. Plus, we could probably sneak a kiss at halftime. I know, I know. If I’m lucky. Let me know if you can come. Catch you after fifth period. Don’t think you can avoid me, either. I’ll follow you to the ends of the earth if you ever leave me. You’re my future, babe. ILYADYFI, Jake.

  ILYADYFI. I love you and don’t you forget it. Her eyes grew dim and she smiled absently at the long-ago phrase. Last she heard, Jake was still living in Petoskey. For a brief moment she allowed herself to wonder whether he had gotten married, whether he still thought of her…. Then she folded the brittle paper and reached back into the box, sorting through dozens of similar notes until she found what she was looking for. Her prayer journal, the first one she’d ever kept. It was dated Spring, 1990.

  Humidity had warped the pages, but Ellen could read the entries as clearly as the day they were written. She flipped toward the back of the floral cloth-covered book until she found September’s passages. She saw it then, the lengthy entry she had written the night she first dated Mike Miller. Even now the words seemed to dance on the page, filled with the excitement she had felt that faraway day.

  Well, I did it. I finally went out with Mike Miller. Ever since we met, our schedules have been too busy to get together. Not that I haven’t thought of him and watched WCBS sports more than usual. Anyway, tonight he took me out for pizza and afterwards we walked around the Michigan campus and talked.

  We want so many of the same things it’s almost scary. He’s a broadcaster so naturally we have sports in common. But it’s so much more than that. He’s a Christian. Raised that way. He said he hasn’t had a serious girlfriend since high school because it’s hard to find someone who loves God and wants the same things he wants. It’s like he’s perfect for me. Like God himself brought us together. We even talked about marriage, how it should be forever… between a man and a woman
equally yoked, people who want to love the Lord, build a family and a home where Christ will be honored. I’ve only been out with Mike once and somehow I can’t imagine marrying anyone else. Of course, I didn’t tell him that. I’ll wait till the second date at least. Maybe I should pray about it.

  Dear Lord, I don’t know why you’ve brought me and Mike together, but I need your help on this one. Is he the man for me, the man I might marry? I need to know. There’s something very special about him, something I can see in his eyes. Oh, Lord, help me to be careful around him and take things slowly. And thank you for his faith, his love for you. I pray that you will bless our relationship, whatever it may become. I love you, Lord. Amen.

  Ellen remembered how it felt to write those words. She had fallen hard for Mike. Give me a sign, Lord, she remembered praying before each date. Show me if there’s some reason I shouldn’t give him my heart. And each time they went out, Mike exceeded both her expectations and her dreams.

  “There’s just one thing,” Mike had told her tenderly when their dating became more serious. “I don’t want to sleep with you, Ellen. Not until we’re married. I really believe God won’t honor our relationship unless we honor him.”

  Ellen had been stunned. She understood perfectly well that sex before marriage was wrong in God’s eyes, but that hadn’t stopped her where Jake was concerned. Indeed, she had always felt somewhat self-righteous for waiting three years after she and Jake began dating before giving in to her desires.

  When she and Jake broke up and she became a Christian, she understood far better why God asks people to wait. There was a bond between her and Jake that should never have been there, a part of her that she could never get back.

  Mike had been honest. He told her he had dated several girls through college and had been sexually intimate with three of them. “It was wrong, and the relationships were empty. A few years ago I made a promise to the Lord. Next time I’d do things his way.”

  Ellen could still remember how difficult it had been to stay within the physical limits of the dating relationship with Mike. He set a curfew for himself and was out the door of Ellen’s apartment no later than ten o’clock each evening. Finally a year later, they were married. The wedding was beautiful and their honeymoon on a beach near Manzanillo, Mexico, was truly blessed by God, beautiful beyond anything either of them had ever imagined.

  Ellen smiled at the memory. There were no words to describe the depth of love they had shared physically and emotionally. They believed God was rewarding them for their obedience, and in those early years it seemed the honeymoon would never end.

  Ellen ran her fingers over the words she had written and flipped through the pages of the journal. Mike had been so strong in his faith back then, so sure. Now it had been years since he had talked to her about his love for God…months since they had even discussed going to church.

  Mike wasn’t the only one to blame. She remembered a line from Psalm 51: Restore to me the joy of your salvation. Where was that joy now? She closed her eyes and felt the sting of tears. She and Mike were a mess, her father was gone forever, and everything that was ever good about life had changed. The Lord seemed a million miles away.

  The phone rang, interrupting her thoughts. Ellen stretched her legs and reached across the bed for the receiver.

  “Hello.”

  “Hi, it’s me.”

  Jane sounded annoyed, and Ellen braced herself. Her sister had called twice already that weekend to make sure of Ellen’s arrival time in Detroit and to report that the other family members were not doing well.

  “I think we should have gone today instead of Sunday. You know, I wanted to switch to Saturday, but you and Mom said to wait until Sunday I think it’s a waste of time.”

  “It’s the best we can do, I guess.” Ellen stared out her bedroom window at the deep blue-green of the Atlantic Ocean. They were two blocks away from the beach and she never got tired of the view.

  Jane was silent for a moment. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  Ellen rolled her eyes. Jane had become so testy lately almost anything set her off.

  “Nothing, Jane. I’m just saying we’ll be there soon enough. I’m not exactly looking forward to this week.”

  “All you ever think about is yourself, Ellen. I mean it. That’s the trouble with you. The world doesn’t revolve around what you want. Mom needs us there.”

  “I know.” Ellen tried to keep the fatigue out of her voice, and failed. “Forget it, Jane. Forget I said anything. You’re right. We should have gone today instead of tomorrow. Will you forgive me?”

  Jane released a short burst of air. “Whatever.”

  In the uneasy silence that followed, Ellen struggled, wondering what she could say to ease the tension between them. The last thing she needed was to spend a week in Petoskey fighting with Jane. She’d rather not go. Her mind grasped for something neutral to say. “Well, I still have a bunch of things to pack.”

  Silence.

  “So, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

  Silence.

  “Have a safe flight.”

  Jane sighed loudly. “Sure, whatever. See you later.”

  Ellen hung up the phone and leaned back against her pillows. She remembered how it had been when she and Jane were kids, before they graduated from high school. They had shared a room together, giggling about the boys they knew and telling each other a hundred different secrets. Regardless of their disagreements during the day, each night before falling asleep they would whisper the same words to each other.

  “Good night, Jane. Love you. See you in the morning.”

  “Good night, Ellen. Love you. See you in the morning.”

  Ellen’s eyes burned at the memory. She couldn’t remember the last time they’d said those words.

  She thought of the others then…Megan, Amy, and Aaron. The five of them had been so close as children. Eventually she and Mike had distanced themselves from her family by moving to Miami. Now Jane was angry most of the time; sweet Megan was twenty-seven and had gotten involved with an abusive, controlling drug dealer; twenty-five-year-old Amy was busy with her own life and never called or wrote to the others; and Aaron, at twenty-four, was unemployable because of a temper so fierce most people were afraid of him.

  More than a decade had passed since the Barretts had lived under one roof. Gradually the family had stopped attending Mass regularly, and eventually Ellen’s faith had led her away from the Catholic church. Now even that seemed like a lifetime ago. Ellen wished she could remember when they had stopped being the family everyone else envied.

  Saturday passed slowly so that by early Sunday Ellen was packed and anxious to leave.

  “Have a safe flight,” Mike said, pecking her on the cheek as he glanced at his watch.

  “Right.” Ellen’s voice was flat and she refused to look at him.

  “Ellen.” Mike placed his hand gently underneath her chin and tilted her face toward his. “I love you. Don’t let yourself get confused about that just because your dad is gone.”

  “If you loved me you’d make an effort for me.” Ellen’s eyes were dry. She was emotionally drained and the week hadn’t even started. “I told you I wanted you with me this week. It was important to me, Mike.”

  “We’ve been through this before. I can’t get the time off and you know that. You knew that when you married me.”

  “If it was important to you, you’d get the time off.”

  Mike drew a deep breath. “Anyway, have a safe flight. I do love you and I’ll call you in a few days to see how it’s going.”

  Ellen waited until his car disappeared down their street. Then she reached for the telephone and called a taxi. Twenty minutes later the cab pulled up out front.

  Grabbing her suitcase, she studied the picture of Mike and her over the fireplace, then headed for the door.

  The taxi made its way through the city toward the airport, and again Ellen caught herself swimming in a sea of memories.
Like scenes from a movie, flashbacks from her childhood filled her mind and it was all she could do to stop them.

  She looked at her watch. Her flight was scheduled to leave at 10:30. She would travel three hours nonstop and land in Detroit just before two o’clock. Jane’s plane would arrive twenty minutes later. Megan had arranged to pick them both up and drive them back to the house, four hours north of the city.

  The taxi swung into the airport and pulled up along the curb in the area designated for passenger unloading. Ellen moved slowly as she paid the driver and checked her bags with the airline. She wore a simple navy rayon dress that fell nearly to her matching pumps. Her hair was pulled back from her face, tied in a navy silk scarf, and she wore round, dark rimmed sunglasses that covered nearly half her face. With a lifetime of memories threatening to break free at any moment, she had no room for casual conversation on the flight. Regardless of the people around her, she intended to be alone. The glasses would stay.

  “When can we board?” she asked a flight attendant at the gate.

  “Go ahead and board now if you’d like.”

  Ellen made her way down one of the narrow aisles of the Boeing 747, relieved to see that she had a window seat. Three hours alone in the sky. Maybe that would help make sense of her feelings. She sat down, slid the window shade up as far as it would go, and stared at the airline personnel working like so many cogs in a machine to prepare the airplane for takeoff. Ellen wondered if any of them had adult siblings who no longer liked them.

  She took a deep breath and realized how tired she was. Because of her early flight she had gotten up at five-thirty. She leaned back, and in less than a minute she was asleep.

  “Excuse, me.” The flight attendant’s voice woke Ellen instantly. “We’re about to serve breakfast. I thought you might like to know.”

  “Yes. Thank you.” Ellen straightened herself and looked out the window, amazed she had slept through takeoff. She studied the ground below and saw they had nearly crossed the Florida peninsula and were headed for the long journey north across the states. Her eyes narrowed thoughtfully as she gazed upward into the endless blue sky. She couldn’t have been sleeping long, but she had been having the strangest dream….