Plum Lucky

A half hour later, Lula parked her Firebird on the far side of the greenbelt, and we bushwhacked our way through the vegetation to the alley. The alley was empty and the back door to the theater was unlocked. Connie had a sniper rifle equipped with a high-​powered scope and laser, plus a purse filled with assorted toys. Lula had chosen an assault rifle. And I was elected to carry the ammo and the rocket launcher.

  “I really don’t think we need a rocket launcher,” I said to Lula.

  “Better safe than sorry,” Lula said. “And anyways, I always wanted to fire off one of them rockets.”

  Connie went in first, and we all followed the beam from her flashlight through the dark theater and up the fire stairs to the door that led to the roof. The door was unlocked, as promised. The roof was flat and tarred. The sun was weak in a gray sky, heavy with clouds and the threat of rain. I was wearing a sweatshirt under a windbreaker, and I felt the chill creeping through the layers.

  I could see why Diesel had chosen this particular building. We were able to hide behind an elaborate stucco false front and still see everything in the lot below. Lula and

  Connie found positions they liked. I found a place where I could see the action and not get in the way.

  “I feel just like a SWAT guy” Lula said. “If I’d known, I’d have dressed appropriately.”

  As it was, Lula was in four-​inch stilettos, a short black spandex skirt that almost fit her, an orange spandex T-​shirt, and a matching orange faux fur jacket.

  We hunkered in to wait for the exchange, and at eleven-​thirty, we heard a car pull up to the back of the building. We ran to the back and looked down at a black Lincoln Town Car. Two men got out and tried the door. We’d locked the door after we’d entered, so they went to the trunk of the Town Car, got a tire iron, beat the crap out of the door, and pried it open. They went back to the trunk, got a couple rifles, and disappeared into the building.

  “I bet they’re Delvina guys,” Lula said. “They’re probably coming up to the roof.”

  Connie nodded in agreement.

  “Well, tough tooties,” Lula said. “We were here first. We got dibs on the roof.”

  “I think we need to ice them,” Connie said. “Anybody bring cuffs?”

  “I got some,” Lula said. She stuck her head in her purse and, after some rooting around, came up with two pair.

  Connie and Lula stood on either side of the door and waited for the men. The door opened, the men appeared, and Connie raised her rifle.

  “Freeze,” Connie said. “Drop your weapons. Hands in the air.”

  They both turned and looked at her.

  “What the fuck?” the one guy said.

  They were middle-​aged thugs, dressed in bowling shirts and Sansabelt slacks. Their hair was slicked back. Their shoes were scuffed and run down at the heel. Their guns weren’t as big as ours.

  “Guns on the ground,” Connie said.

  “And what if we don’t do that? You girls gonna get tough?”

  Connie shot a hole in his foot. Actually, it was mostly just a chunk taken off the side of his shoe, but from the way he dropped his gun and started jumping around, you could assume she’d nicked his little toe.

  “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” he yelled. “What the fuck!”

  There were a bunch of pipes running along the roof that attached to air-​conditioning units. Lula patted both men down and cuffed them to one of the pipes.

  “What about my foot?” the one guy asked. “Look at it. It’s bleeding. I need a doctor.”

  “If either of you makes a single sound, I’m going to shoot you in the other foot,” Connie said.

  We went back to our positions in the front of the building and watched the lot. At exactly noon, two cars slowly drove into view. One was a black Town Car. The other was my Monte Carlo. The cars parked a good distance apart and sat at idle. The driver’s side door to the Town Car opened and Mickey got out. Diesel got out of the Monte and ambled over. Surfer dude meets the Mob.

  They stood talking for a moment, Diesel with his hands loose at his sides and a black canvas messenger bag hung on his shoulder. Diesel handed the messenger bag to Mickey. Mickey turned to leave, and Diesel wrapped his hand around the bag’s shoulder strap.

  “Not so fast. I want Grandma.”

  His voice was soft, but it carried up to us.

  “Sure,” Mickey said. “She’s in the car. I’ll go get her.”

  “I’ll keep the bag until you come back,” Diesel said.

  Mickey shook his finger at him. “You have trust issues.”

  “People keep telling me that.”

  Mickey walked to the car and opened the back door. Grandma lurched out, gave Mickey the finger, and harrumphed over to Diesel. Diesel passed the messenger bag to Mickey and took possession of Grandma.

  I almost collapsed with relief. I had to hold on to the wall to keep from sinking to my knees.

  “Hold on,” Lula said. “There’s another car coming.”

  It was black, and it was moving fast. Diesel glanced at the car, grabbed Grandma’s hand, and pulled her toward the Monte Carlo. The black car slid to a stop in front of the Monte and four men jumped out with guns drawn. Diesel changed direction and ran to the movie entrance with Grandma.

  One of the men took aim, Connie picked him off, and everyone looked up to the roof. A second guy fired two shots at us, and Lula let loose with the assault rifle. It was like war. The three remaining men ducked behind their car and returned Lula’s fire. Mickey and Delvina were out and shooting. And Diesel and Grandma scooted into the theater.

  “This is bullshit,” Lula said. “This here’s the United States. We don’t go around blasting the shit out of people here. Well, okay, maybe in the projects, but hell, this here’s the friggin’ multiplex. There’s things you don’t do in the multiplex. Gimme that rocket launcher. I’ll fix their ass.”

  “Do you know how to work it?” I asked.

  “What’s to know? It’s point and shoot, right? They give these suckers to pinheads who join the army. How hard could it be? Just prop this big boy up for me, and I’ll do the rest.”

  I covered my ears and closed my eyes and phuunf! The bird was away. We all looked over the edge of the building and BANG. The rocket blew up my car.

  “Must be something wrong with the sight,” Lula said. “At least you don’t have to drive a car that’s got no reverse.”

  The Monte was a fireball.

  “You got insurance, right?” Lula asked.

  Delvina and his men stood in open mouthed shock for a beat. Then they all dove into their cars and drove away. Diesel opened the door and looked out at my car.

  He was hands on hips, and from my perch high above him, I could see he was smiling. You want to make a man smile... just blow up a car with a rocket.

  Rain had started misting down on us. I packed up the ammo, and Lula and Connie shouldered their rifles.

  “Hey,” the guy with the shot-​off toe said. “What about us?”

  “Someone will come up here looking for you... probably,” Connie said.

  “Yeah, but it’s raining. I’m gonna get a cold.”

  “Hold on,” Lula said, peering over the edge of the building. “The one black car is coming back.”

  Connie and I ran to the edge and looked down. It was Delvina’s car. It pulled up to the front door, and Delvina got out and stormed into the building.

  “You guys stay here and make sure no one else goes in,” I said. “I’m going downstairs to help Diesel.”

  “Here,” Connie said. “Take my flashlight and this microwave stunner. It’s new. Vinnie won it in a crap game last week. Just point it like a gun and pull the trigger. It doesn’t do any permanent damage, but it makes your skin feel like it’s on fire.”

  I took the stunner and ran down the stairs into the dark lobby. I stood and listened. There was a corridor to my left and a corridor to my right. Multiple movie theaters opened off the two corridors. I thought I heard movement in the right co
rridor. I crept along, hand to the wall, feeling my way in total blackness. I didn’t want to give myself away by using the flashlight.

  I stopped and listened again. I was at the entrance to one of the theaters, and I could hear the very faint murmur of voices. I held my breath and eased inside. I tiptoed up the ramp that led to the stadium seating and cautiously moved into the aisle.

  Delvina, Diesel, and Grandma were about twenty rows in front of me. Grandma and Diesel were facing me, caught in the glare of Delvina’s flashlight. I saw Diesel’s eyes flick to me for a nanosecond and return to Delvina.

  “You know how I found you in here?” Delvina said to Grandma and Diesel. “I got a nose for it. I didn’t get where I am for no reason. I’m cagey. And I got a nose for danger. I see danger and I get rid of it. You know what I’m saying?”

  “No,” Grandma said. “You’re a nut.”

  “I’m saying you’re disturbing my comfort level,” Delvina said. “So I’m gonna have to get rid of you. Both of you. I should have gotten rid of you last month when you gave me this rash,” he said to Diesel. “I know it was you. And you said you were gonna turn me into a toad, and now look at me. It’s happening.”

  I aimed the stunner at Delvina’s neck and hit the GO button.

  “Yow,” Delvina said, slapping at his neck.

  He still had the gun trained on Grandma, but he was hopping around, and I couldn’t keep the microwave stunner on target.

  “It’s you,” he said to Diesel. “You’re sending bugs to bite me, right? Fire bugs. I know you’re not normal. O’Connor even said so. He said you had these skills. You and that horse. You’re in this together, aren’t you? Putting thoughts in my head.”

  “What kind of thoughts?” Grandma wanted to know.

  “Horse thoughts,” Delvina said. “He talks to me. I hear him in my head. What kind of horse does that?”

  “Maybe he’s an alien horse,” Grandma said. “I saw a television show once about how these aliens came down to this place in Arizona and were controlling people’s minds and making them go on all these porno sites on the Internet.”

  Delvina stopped moving, and I aimed for the hand that was holding the gun. He yelped, dropped the gun, and grabbed his hand.

  “Get him!” Grandma yelled.

  Delvina grabbed her, shoved her into Diesel, and took off running. By the time Diesel had untangled himself from Grandma, Delvina was out of the theater. I ran after him, but he had a good head start. Surprising how fast he could move his bloated body on his skinny little toad legs.

  I heard shots being fired from the roof and it sounded like shots were being returned from the theater entrance. I flicked the flashlight off so I wouldn’t be an easy target, and I came to a dead stop in the dark. Diesel came up behind me, grabbed my hand, and pulled me along, the two of us running flat-​out. Me in blind trust, and Diesel not having a problem seeing.

  We turned into the lobby, partially lit from the glass entrance doors, and beyond the glass doors I saw the black car take off.

  Diesel and I pushed through the doors and stood against the building, sheltered from the rain, and watched the black car race out of the lot. My Monte Carlo was burning out of control in front of us.

  “This is a pip of a fire,” Grandma said, coming up behind us with Lula and Connie.

  “I was inside the theater, but I saw the Monte Carlo get hit,” Diesel said. “Who shot the rocket off?”

  “I might have done that,” Lula said. “I’m pretty sure that launcher was defective.”

  “Are you okay?” I asked Grandma.

  “I could use some lipstick.”

  Lula dropped Grandma, Diesel, and me at my apartment. We waved good-​bye and walked into the small lobby. The elevator doors were locked into the open position and a fan had been placed inside the elevator. Behind the fan was a pop-​up spring meadow air freshener.

  “Someone must have left a stinker in there,” Grandma said.

  We took the stairs and shuffled down the hall. There was a slight scent of horse when we entered my apartment, but it wasn’t unpleasant.

  “I know this is crazy, but I sort of feel sorry for Lou Delvina,” Grandma said. “I heard him talking, and he was saying how his wife left him on account of Diesel giving him the rash and making him all swell up. That’s why Delvina wants his money back. So he can buy a big fancy house for his wife. He figures that would get her back.” Grandma slid her dentures around a little. “I tell you, that Delvina’s only got one oar dipped in the water. It’s a real sad thing to see. He used to be a respected mobster. And now he’s nutso cuckoo.”

  I called my mother.

  “I have Grandma here in my apartment,” I said. “I’ll bring her home in a little while.”

  “Why can’t you bring her home now?”

  “I’m having car issues.”

  “I’ll send your father for her.”

  I got Grandma spruced up as best I could, and she was ready to go when my father knocked on my door.

  “There’s a fat guy who looks like a toad out in your parking lot,” my father said. “He’s talking to himself, and I think he’s making a Molotov cocktail.”

  We all went to my window and looked out. Lou Delvina was in the lot, standing in the rain, trying to light a rag he’d crammed into a wine bottle. I opened the window and stuck my head out.

  “Hey,” I said. “What are you doing?”

  “I’m doing what I have to do,” Delvina yelled up at me.

  He lit the rag and heaved the bottle. It crashed through the top pane of my living room window and rolled on the floor. Some of the carpet got singed, but the bottle didn’t break. Diesel grabbed the bottle and threw it back out the window. It smashed on the pavement next to Delvina’s black Town Car, and the Town Car was almost instantly consumed by flames.

  “Eeek!” Delvina shrieked, jumping away from the fire. “Alien voodoo! Someone call the National Guard, Homeland Security, Men in Black.” He looked up at Diesel and shook his fist. “You’re not gonna get me. I know how it is with you aliens. I know what you do to people. This is a fight to the finish.” And Delvina ran out of the lot and disappeared from view.

  “Poor man,” Grandma said. “Where do you suppose he got the idea Diesel is an alien?”

  “As far as I’m concerned, none of this happened,” my father said to me. “I didn’t see anything. That’s what I’m telling your mother.”

  I closed and locked the door when my father and grandmother left. Fire trucks screamed in the distance and black smoke billowed from the burning car. Diesel taped a plastic garbage bag to the broken window to keep the smoke and rain out of the apartment.

  My phone rang and I saw from the display that it was Morelli.

  “I hear there’s a car burning in your parking lot,” Morelli said.

  “It’s not mine. My car was blown up and burned at the multiplex.”

  Morelli absorbed this for a beat. “There was a time when I’d freak over that, but now it seems sort of normal. The car in your lot... did you set it on fire?”

  “Nope.”

  “Do I need to know any gory details?”

  “No. Everything’s under control. Diesel taped a garbage bag over the broken window, and the firebomb only singed the carpet a little.”

  “Great,” Morelli said. And he disconnected.

  “He take that okay?” Diesel asked.

  “I could hear him chewing Rolaids.”

  Stephanie Plum 13.5 - Plum Lucky

  Chapter 11

  The smoke stopped rolling past my windows and the unintelligible chatter and squawk of the police band was intermittent. One fire truck and one squad car remained. A tow truck was standing by to haul the remains of Delvina’s car off to the auto graveyard. Most of my neighbors were back in their apartments, finding television to be more entertaining than the dismal charred carcass left in the lot.

  Diesel and I were in the kitchen eating peanut butter sandwiches. Diesel stopped with a s
andwich in hand and listened. “Now what?” he said. He went to the door, and the doorbell rang.

  Diesel opened the door to Mickey.

  “This is awkward,” Mickey said.

  Diesel and I looked past Mickey, down the hall.

  Mickey shook the rain off his umbrella and propped it up against the wall. “I’m alone. Can I come in?”

  “Do you have a bomb?” I asked.

  “No. What I got is a headache.”

  “What’s up?”