Tilt

  Contents

  Tilt

  My World Tilted

  Love at First Smile

  Loving Someone

  Now It’s Summer Vacation

  Emily’s Parents Aren’t Home

  Something Different?

  Three Words

  Can’t Wait

  Thank God It’s Summer

  What’s Got My Tightie Whities

  And So

  I Actually Met Tara

  I Want Her Opinion

  Till Cupid Comes Calling

  Too Far

  Lately I’ve Been Searching Online

  When We Finally Meet

  I Hide Hurt

  So This Weekend Visit

  Usually

  Well, Officially

  She Stands in the Doorway

  I Stuff All That Inside

  They Also Make Me Feel

  Gaming

  No-Win Situation

  God, I Miss Dylan

  If I Keep Reliving

  So Not Funny!

  Mom Jumps to My Defense

  Smug

  I Hate Decisions

  I Shave

  By the Time

  What I Know About Him

  Mangoes Make Me Itch

  Turns Out

  He Struggles

  Bitch-Slapped

  Straight

  I Didn’t Ask

  I’d Say

  Which Somehow Launches Us

  Lame

  Way TMI!

  Munchkin!

  A Best Friend

  A Conscience

  So I’m Very, Very Quiet

  Out of the Loop

  He Rolls Me onto My Back

  He Takes Mikayla Home

  Some Secrets

  Why?

  I’m Tired

  Later, We’re Going Out

  No Shit

  Chad Sputters a Denial

  Of Course, He Doesn’t Know

  Surprises

  I Can’t Believe

  Seems Like Guys

  Maybe I’ll Talk to Gram

  Mom Plays Chauffeur

  Prosser Reservoir

  Beauty?

  Showing Off

  Three-Day Weekends Suck

  When I Really Stop

  One of the Guys

  One Thing

  Okay, More Like

  Enough!

  In a Ten-Second Span

  Messages

  Ruining My Day

  I Plaster On

  Bizarrely

  She’s So Playable!

  Turns Out

  Dirty Movies

  Making Love

  The Closest I’ve Come

  Of Course, Going Straight

  While Waiting

  It Is, in Fact

  Any Small Sense of Fear

  Fireworks

  This Night

  There Are Couples Everywhere

  Subzero Cold

  Suddenly, Someone Yells

  Now He Waves Me Over

  But When I Turn Around

  Traitor

  I Wanted to Scream

  So When Emily Called

  Em Comes Straight Out

  No Freaking Kidding

  Past Tense

  The Sentence Remains Unfinished

  I Despise Being in the Middle

  A Bad Thing

  Glowing

  When I Think Like That

  It Was Like Chanting a Mantra

  Forever

  Everyone’s Laughing

  Believe It or Not

  Wish I Could Forget

  It Pays

  I Want Him

  Speaking of Vamps

  If He Can Love Bella

  The Movie Ends

  It’s After One A.M.

  Faces Washed and Teeth Brushed

  Kissing

  Apologies Are Useless

  I’ve Said I’m Sorry

  I Let Dylan Know I Can Escape

  I Ponder Those Two Things

  He Holds Up His Longboard

  I Consider That

  I’m Not Really the Jealous Type

  Uh, Question

  Distraction

  So Is His Audience

  The Last Time I Asked

  A Soft Whistle

  Death

  Faith

  If You Hold Someone

  Totally Stupid

  How Could I Say No?

  I Didn’t Want to Like Him

  So I’m Sorry

  I’m Afraid Her Heart Will, Too

  Listening In

  Dating

  For One Thing

  Case in Point

  I Think About These Things

  I Shower Away

  I Suspect

  Ugly

  It Might Have Ended There

  His Face Flushed Beet Purple

  Later, Something Happened

  She Is Distracted

  The Answer Is So Obvious

  Success in That Endeavor

  Invasion of the Body Snatchers

  I Hear

  Dancing

  Cassie Rocks

  We Are Cruising the Mall

  And She Says

  She Turns onto McCarran Boulevard

  As the Story Goes

  I’m Kind of Speechless

  When We Get Back to Dad’s

  Pregnant

  To Abort or Not to Abort

  I Keep Thinking of It

  That Makes Him Smile

  But Now He Stops

  When We Finish

  He Jolts Upright

  He Is So Sincere

  It’s a Silent Drive Home

  Drowning

  Paying

  My Parents

  Should I Forgive and Forget?

  Look Up “Hypocrite”

  She’s Hanging On

  Monterey

  And at This Moment

  Pamela Is Efficient

  Mom Pulls Away

  Is It Better

  A Monster

  The Worst Thing

  I Watch Dad Now

  It’s a Throw-Down

  Evil Things

  I Know It’s Stupid

  Five Puffs Later

  The Right Thing

  Childhood

  I’ve Researched

  Meanwhile, I’ll Keep Puking

  Totally Overboard

  She Knows!

  Now Mom Notices

  Stunned

  First Week

  New Boyfriend, New Kitten

  It’s Only Been a Couple of Days

  Algebra and Chem

  I Break a Small Sweat

  Despite Our Hopes and Prayers

  Sadness

  All Smiles

  Even If That’s True

  She Sighs

  Too Many Secrets

  Like Fourth of July

  The Difference

  Good Question

  Rockin’

  It’s Hard

  It’s Even Harder

  I Can’t Not

  He’s Whining Now

  Okay, That’s a Pisser

  Seething

  We Don’t Speak

  I Try Not to Stress

  As I Lie in Bed

  More and More

  Delicate

  There’s Nothing I Can Do

  He’ll Be Here Soon

  I Don’t Know About That

  Someone’s at the Front Door

  Alex Trails Them

  Alex Thinks It’s Romantic

  Considering

  Sharing the Table

  Love Is Weird

  The Perfect Kiss

  And, for Once

  Dad Is Pretty Distracted

  I Almost Chicken Out

  “More”

  Mom Isn’t Notici
ng Much

  Bri’s Dad Agreed

  Wonder What They’re Arranging

  The Waiting Game

  Two Small Carry-Ons

  I Decline

  I Expect an Angry Retort

  Are All Relationships Cursed?

  Mom Gets Back

  Las Vegas Is Insane

  As We Wait

  It’s an Awkward Few Seconds

  Now the Catching Up Begins

  Overdosing on Small Talk

  The Whole Truth

  Bad Things

  It Is Early Morning

  In the Recliner

  Gram Goes to Make the First Call

  Death Is Awkward

  It Is Ten A.M.

  Alex Shows Up

  It Isn’t Until

  My Eyes Sting

  Death

  I Wish

  Which Made Me Even Angrier

  If Mom Can’t See That

  After the Words

  A Gentle Slant

  After the Dirge

  Bri and I Load Plates

  I Have No Idea

  Divided

  I Didn’t Know Shelby

  So I Was at the Funeral Today

  And Hearing About

  I Don’t Know Why Mom

  We Find Dad in the Kitchen

  Trace and Bri

  Dissolve

  We Are Barely Parked

  At This Moment

  The Plan

  It’s Who I Was

  I Go Back to My Room

  So I Do a Search for “God”

  I Realize Something Else, Too

  Any Idea

  Praying

  I Have to Admit

  I Hate How Relationships

  Case in Point

  I Don’t Want to Think

  He Makes Me Wait

  Yet, I Let Him Kiss Me

  Getting Off

  Patience

  I Am Semi-Saved

  Do I Care?

  As If!

  When I Pass Through

  Kristy Smiles Triumph

  I Gentle My Hands

  Stunned

  I Want to Talk

  I Pulled Away

  It’s Not Like People Close to Me

  I’m Staring into My Locker

  The Lord’s Name in Vain Thing

  Unexpectedly, She Freaks

  Gram and Gramps

  I Yank My T-Shirt

  A Sliver

  Totally Changed

  “Almost,” Meaning

  I Try to Make It Sexy

  My Cell Buzzes

  If There Ever Was an Eve

  Listen to Me

  Guess I’ll Have to Be

  It’s Not

  Deviant

  Straight

  I Almost Invent an Excuse

  Courage Bolstered

  I Knock on the Door

  She?

  Curly and Larry

  Sixty Seconds

  Fault

  A Good Friend

  Way Too Much Information

  I Am Such a Loser

  Poor Alex

  The Bottle

  I Swear, If He Says

  Oh, Yeah, I Do

  Without Him

  I Want to Be Strong

  I Did Have to Lie

  But I Am Curious

  Something About Her Denial

  This Beer Is Light

  The Guys Want a Beer, Too

  The Question

  The Worst Trick

  Funny

  And What Slipped Out

  I Sit Alone

  Something About Knowing

  I Get Dressed

  I Drive Home

  Life Isn’t Fair

  Ducking for Cover

  And Also Death as a Character

  She Gave Me an A

  A Slow Burn

  If I Only Had a Gun

  I Decide to Skip

  God

  Beef Broccoli Consumed

  I Sleep Great

  I’m Running

  When I’m Busy Running

  It Does, and So Does Her Response

  I Don’t Know

  So, After Mom Picks Me Up

  It’s Late Afternoon

  They Start with the Usual

  Is She Happy?

  Sometimes You Choose, You Lose

  I Suppose, Sooner or Later

  Still, Every Day

  Dad Being a Lawyer

  Mom Always Says

  My Last Class

  I Think I’m Having

  That Weight

  Fairy-Tale Love

  There Are a Dozen Place Settings

  I Fantasize About That

  It Is Dad Who Comes to the Rescue

  Waves of Food

  It’s Really Sort of Surprising

  Post Pie

  She Asks for “White Christmas”

  Naked Girl Pics

  What Is His Problem?

  Shane Nods at Chad

  He Wanted to Show Me Off!

  Just Like That

  Mom’s All for My Plan

  When We Get to the House

  I Don’t Exactly Have a Nightmare

  I Carry That with Me All Day

  Turns Out

  Lead Her into the Bedroom

  I Have Resisted

  I’ve Known Him

  It Was a Surreal Moment

  One Thing I Do Know

  It’s Such an Adult Idea

  The Call Comes

  Now, the Ones

  She Prefaces Her Answer

  The Setup

  Staying Positive

  There’s Also the Not Small Issue

  As If That Isn’t Enough

  This Evening, Mom Is Hosting Tea

  First Impressions

  Conspicuously Absent

  I Turn On My Music

  Jäger and Downers

  I’m Yelling

  Afraid, Angry, Ashamed

  I’m Not Even Sure

  The Best Part of All?

  I Mean, Who Could I Tell

  So I’ve Kept It All In

  It’s So Close, in Fact

  Snow Swirls

  The Waiting Room

  But Maybe It’s Time

  I’m Feeling Good

  A Big Part of Me

  Exhausted

  Outside

  Bone Weary

  A Baby

  I’m Sorry

  Kill Myself?

  Why Would I?

  That She’s Willing

  In a Few Minutes

  Here I Am

  Too Late, Harley

  The Door Opens

  All Decked Out

  Author’s Note

  Acknowledgments

  This book is dedicated to all families

  dealing with chronic illness.

  Walk bravely.

  Tilt

  Should the sun beat

  summer too fiercely

  through your afternoon

  window, you can

  slant

  the blinds to temper

  heat and scatter light,

  sifting shadows this way

  and that with a

  lean

  of slats. And if candor

  strikes too forcefully,

  step back, draw careful

  breath and consider the

  angle

  your words must take

  before you open

  your mouth, let them leak

  out. Because once you

  tilt the truth,

  it becomes a lie.

  Mikayla

  My World Tilted

  Completely off its axis the night

  I hooked up with Dylan Douglas.

  It was New Year’s Eve—five

  months ago—so maybe part of that

  earth-sway had something to do with

  the downers, weed and cheap beer,

  a dizzying combo on an empty stomach.

  What I know for sure is,
when he came

  slinking up like a cougar—all tawny

  and temperamental—something inside

  me shifted. Something elemental.

  I, probably the oldest prude in my whole

  junior class, transformed into vamp.

  When he smiled at me—me!—I knew

  I had to make him mine. I would

  have done anything. Turned out, all

  I had to do was smile back. Just like

  that, we belonged to each other.

  Love at First Smile

  That’s what it was. He says so,

  and I agree. What kind of girlfriend

  would I be if I argued about something

  like that? Not only that, but we

  fell in love as a new year began.

  Symbolism there. And I didn’t need

  a resolution when a result had

  just occurred. All the hurt of

  losing my last boyfriend—who was

  at the same party, slobbering

  all over my ex–good friend,

  Tricia—dissolved, shaved ice in

  a cup of hot tea. Dylan is a hundred

  times the guy Josiah is. Thank

  God I didn’t give my virginity

  to him. I didn’t give it to Dylan

  right away, either. Unlike Josiah,

  he never pressured me to. But after

  a couple of months, love spoke

  louder than fear. One night

  we were mostly naked and

  all knotted up in each other’s

  arms. And the time just seemed

  right to say, “I want to. Please.”

  Dylan was just so cute. Are you

  sure? He said it right before

  I stripped off my panties. And

  he confirmed, You’re positive?

  just as I pushed him inside me.

  I think I wanted it more than he did.

  And all that hype about awful

  pain? Well, that may be true

  for some people. But, except for

  a couple of seconds of intense

  pressure, it didn’t hurt at all.

  But it made our connection steel.

  Loving Someone

  That much—so much he means

  more to you than anything—changes

  things. You lose friends, because

  you’d rather be with him than with them.

  I’ve always been popular. Cheerleader.

  Junior class president. Homecoming

  princess. All the girls wanted to hang

  with me. One was even a stalker.

  Now, they still smile and say hello,

  but the only ones who I’m really close

  to are Audrey and Emily. Both of them

  have sleepover boyfriends, at least when

  their parents aren’t home. That’s another

  thing love changes—your relationship

  with your parental units. It becomes

  them versus you, as if they’re afraid

  of losing you. Jealous of the person

  who can make that happen. News flash,

  Mom and Dad. I’ll be eighteen in a few

  months. You’ve already lost me.

  Now It’s Summer Vacation

  Definition: sleeping in. Lazy days

  at Tahoe. Parties. And that leads me to

  deception. Because here’s the thing

  about parents. Mostly, they don’t want

  their kids to have fun, at least not