Surviving Raine

  “The first one didn’t work out so well?” I inquired, feeling strangely timid about asking. Raine looked up at me and scowled as I pointed over to the misshapen basket.

  “This is a lot harder than it looks,” Raine said but didn’t sound angry or anything. “I remember making baskets and such from art classes in school, but the material was all uniform and easier to work with. Trying to make these fronds into a square basket didn’t work at all.”

  “That was supposed to be square?” I chuckled.

  “Don’t push your luck,” Raine snapped but then smiled. “You know how to do everything. Can’t you weave a basket?”

  “Never have,” I admitted, “but I think you are doing great!”

  “Uh huh.” Raine shook her head and started weaving again.

  “I’m going to start on the shelter again,” I told her.

  “Not yet,” Raine said. Her tone was completely straightforward and dismissive. She wasn’t interested in hearing any arguments from me. I was going to argue anyway.

  “I’m perfectly capable of doing shit, you know,” I snapped.

  “Normally, of course you are,” Raine replied, “but you need to give yourself a chance to heal more. You might get sick again.”

  “I’m not going to get sick again,” I said. “I’m also not going to fucking sit around watching you make shit while I do nothing.”

  “Feel free to try your hand at weaving,” she said, pointing to the large stack of stripped fronds.

  “Fuck that. I’m working on the fucking shelter.” I reached over for the walking stick and started to push myself up until Raine’s voice reached my ears again.

  “Bastian?” I had to stop because her tone was no longer snippy or angry. When I looked back over my shoulder, I could see the beginning of tears in her eyes. “Please don’t. I know you want to, and I know you don’t like not being able to be physical, and I know you don’t want help, but you scared me when you were so sick. Please, please take it easy. Okay?”

  Fuck me. Seeing those tears in her eyes made me want to drop down and give her anything and everything she wanted whether I wanted to or not. That pissed me off, but not at her, just at myself. I closed my eyes for a moment and took a deep breath before opening them again.

  “Fine,” I grumbled, feeling like shit because I really didn’t mean to upset her. I pushed myself up from the ground using the walking stick and stepped out of the shelter. She had to sleep sometime – I could always work on shit then. I took a few steps out into the sand before sitting down next to the fire. I tossed a few little bits of sticks and debris into the coals and watched them flame up but bored of that quickly.

  I wanted a fucking drink.

  I looked out over the beach and noticed a dark spot close to the tide’s edge. It was the charcoal remains of the bonfire I had made before the fever hit. I could tell there weren’t any human remains lying around out there and wondered what happened to them.

  “What did you do with them?” I asked, just loud enough for her to hear me.

  “With what?”

  “The…um…bones and shit.”

  “I buried them,” she answered simply.

  My head snapped back to look at her.

  “You did? Where?”

  “On the north side of the beach,” she said. “Up near the edge of the jungle. I didn’t really want them very close. I used the oar to dig a hole – just like we did for the solar still. I didn’t dig it deep enough to…um…bury them all, and they…they didn’t all fit in one…um…grave…so I dug two.”

  “Shit, baby – I’m sorry.”

  “For what?”

  “You shouldn’t have had to do that.” I murder four bastards and she has to clean up after me. Fucking lovely.

  “I didn’t want them…just sitting there. You weren’t in very good shape at the time to help out.”

  “I know – that’s what I meant.”

  “Stop it.”

  “Stop what?”

  “Stop beating yourself up for something you couldn’t control.” Raine tilted her head and raised her eyebrows, daring me to argue with her.

  “I could have controlled it,” I said, rising to the challenge. “I shouldn’t have let that motherfucker cut me.”

  “Bastian, there were four of them.”

  “It doesn’t fucking matter how many there were!” I yelled. I didn’t really mean to be yelling at her, but she jumped back anyway. Images from my dreams flittered past my conscious mind. I slammed my fist against the sand and wished to God I had a fucking bottle of fucking anything. “I should have moved faster. I should have killed him with the first fucking punch. I should have ripped his goddamn throat out for fucking touching you, and I should have fucking been there when they showed up so none of that shit would have happened at all!”

  She was beside me before I was done screaming, and at first I considered pushing her away. I wanted to because I didn’t deserve to have her next to me in the first place. I’d let her down. She could have been killed or had something far, far worse happen. I fucking let her down. I wasn’t there for her. The last thing she should offer me was any comfort. I wasn’t there when she needed me.

  But there she was, kneeling in the sand next to me and wrapping her arms around my head, holding me against her chest while she stroked the side of my face with her fingertips. I squeezed my eyes shut and wrapped my arms around her. I buried my face in the spot between her neck and her shoulder.

  “I’m sorry I wasn’t there,” I mumbled. “I should have been there. They never should have touched you. I’ll never, never let anyone hurt you again, Raine. I swear to God. Never!”

  “Shh, Bastian.” Raine’s hand stroked over my hair, around my ear, and down my rough jaw. “It’s all right. I’m all right, and you will be, too. You saved me, Bastian. You saved me from them.”

  “They…they…” I swallowed hard, trying to figure out why words wouldn’t come out of my mouth. My hands were shaking, so I held her tighter, trying to stop the rush of adrenaline running through my system, but it didn’t help. My heart rate increased, and I was close to hyperventilating. Through pants, I pushed out some words, but I probably didn’t make any fucking sense. “They never…they shouldn’t have come so close to you…I’m sorry…I’m sorry…I should have been there faster. I never…should have left you…those fucking bastards fucking touching you…”

  “Bastian, please, calm down,” her voice whispered into my ear. “I’m okay. You saved me. They didn’t hurt me, Bastian. You were there in time.”

  “But it was so close…I keep seeing them…in my dreams…and they’re…they’re…hurting you, and I can’t get to you.”

  “Oh, Bastian…” I felt both her arms wrap around my head as she started to rock slightly back and forth, telling me over and over again that it was only a dream. She was safe. I had saved her. They hadn’t touched her like that.

  “I want you,” I breathed against her skin. “I need you…please, Raine…”

  Everything was blurred, and I wasn’t even sure how she managed to strip off her shorts so quickly and without letting go of me. My hands grasped at her back, holding her against my chest as much as I could. I felt her hand releasing the buttons on my shorts, which she pushed down just far enough to be out of the way. A moment later she was pushing against my shoulders until I lay on my back in the sand. She straddled me, gripped my cock by the base, and guided me into her.

  We hadn’t been like this before – with her on top of me. I preferred her under me with me in control. I don’t know why – I just did. We hadn’t even tried it any other way. This was…different…and as soon as my shoulders hit the ground, I felt a shift in my head, and I went with it. My eyes closed as her body enveloped me, and I let my mind go blank so I could just feel. I felt her flesh, her warm breath, and the deeper, internal connection that had nothing to do with the placement of our bodies. I felt my desire for her, and I felt her love for me as she leaned forward and ran h
er hands over my shoulders and neck before fingering my jaw line. I felt everything as I let her take me – mind, body and soul. I didn’t know if she wanted it or needed it like I did, but I gave it to her anyway.

  I lay my head back and placed my hands on her hips and let her set the pace as she raised herself up just enough for me to slip out of her about halfway. Then she brought our bodies back together, burying me in her warmth. I didn’t know how long she moved on top of me, owning me on a deeper level every time she brought me inside of her, but by the time I released into her, I was completely spent in more ways than I could possibly name.

  * * * * *

  Pointing my toes out as far as I could, I grimaced through the tight pain in my lower thigh. I brought my knee up to my chest and felt more of the sting from the healing cut. It was better; I could clearly see that today. Raine insisted it was because I finally listened to her and stayed off it most of yesterday and today, but I didn’t buy that shit.

  I didn’t tell her I didn’t buy it; I let her believe what she wanted.

  After completing all the physical therapy exercises I could remember from the multiple times I had been cut, bruised, battered, or broken, I sat in the sand and watched the waves for a little while as the sun started sinking lower and lower. I had taken it easy again today because tomorrow I was going to get moving on the new shelter whether Raine liked it or not.

  As if she could hear what I was thinking, Raine walked up behind me with a new batch of infection curing paste, wearing a smile and nothing else. Nakedness seemed to have become her preference, which fucking thrilled me. When I was in a little better shape and able to move around more, I was definitely going to take advantage of that shit. Probably a dozen times a day. My cock responded regardless of the physical shape I was in and usually liked to make his presence known as soon as her tits got into view. I tried not to look any lower because busting out of my shorts would suck. They were all I had.

  Part of me wished I had thought to strip the bodies of the motherfuckers of their clothing before burning them up since we certainly could have used it, but even when I thought about it afterwards, I probably would have ripped the shit up by now, anyway. I didn’t want anything that would remind me of them. The dreams were bad enough.

  “I can’t believe you happened to see the right kind of flowers,” Raine said after I flopped down on my stomach and let her go to work on my leg. “How did you ever remember such a thing?”

  I chuckled slightly and felt one side of my mouth curl up. I glanced off into the distance, looking at nothing and then glanced at her over my shoulder.

  “I may have had an ulterior motive,” I admitted with a slight, one-shouldered shrug.

  “Ulterior motive?” Raine repeated, questioning. She scowled at me.

  “Yeah, well…” I stammered a little. “The more common name for Lobelia is Indian Tobacco. I remembered seeing them because I figured I could try drying the leaves and rolling them into smokes.”

  Raine’s mouth dropped open, and I cringed a little, waiting for whatever onslaught might be coming. I knew she didn’t like it, which is why I hadn’t gotten around to trying it out yet. Well, that and the whole nearly dying thing. Even before my leg was hurt, I hadn’t gotten around to it because it wasn’t the right time. Air, shelter, water, food – after that you can fuck around with shit you want. I had just gotten to the food part.

  Surprisingly, instead of yelling, Raine started laughing. I looked up at her with narrowed eyes, wondering if she had somehow caught my fever because she sounded like a total loon.

  “What the fuck are you guffawing at?” I growled.

  “The irony!” Raine said with another laugh. She held her sides and bent at the waist. Once she managed to upright herself and wipe the tears from her eyes, she explained. “Do you realize your addiction to smoking probably saved your life?”

  I smirked. Yeah, she had a point. That shit was pretty funny.

  Leaning on the walking stick, I pushed myself up and let Raine lead the way back to the shelter. Once the sun went down, we pretty much dropped off. We might talk for a bit, but it was too dark to do anything except fuck, and as much as I wanted it, certain parts of my body didn’t want to hold me in that position very long. I could let her be on top again, but the last two times we had sex it had been all about me. I wanted the next time to make up for it, which meant I needed my fucking right leg not to give out on me.

  I waited until Raine lay down before I joined her, so once she was in whatever position she wanted to be in, I could basically crawl on top of her to sleep. It didn’t always drive the nightmares away completely, but it sure as fuck helped. She didn’t question it, and I was glad for that. She seemed to understand even though we hadn’t really talked about it or anything. After having the same fucking nightmare three times in a row, I lay myself on top of her the next night, and she didn’t complain. It worked, or at least I didn’t have the dream about her. The other dreams were still there, but I was used to having those all the time.

  Raine lay on her side and looked up at me as I lay down next to her. She raised her head a little so I could wrap one arm underneath her and the other on top of her. I felt her forehead on my shoulder, and I tilted my head to press my lips against her cheek. I rolled a little and crossed my leg over the top of both of hers, effectively immobilizing her and making damn sure there was no way she was getting out from under me without me knowing about it.

  Safe.

  After we had both shifted a little to try and get more comfortable, I tilted my head to look down at her again. Her dark eyes stared up at me and made my heart start beating faster.

  “We’re even now,” I told her. I traced my thumb over her cheekbone.

  “What do you mean?”

  “You saved my life,” I said with a shrug. “We’re even.”

  “Hardly,” Raine snorted. “You told me what to do. I just crushed up some flowers. I don’t think that really compares. Even if it did, we still wouldn’t be even.”

  “Why’s that?”

  “You saved me from drowning, then from dehydration, then from those…thugs. I only saved you once.”

  “You’re wrong,” I said with conviction. “You also saved me when I was going through detox.”

  “You might have been fine without me there, too,” Raine insisted. “Even if we count that, it would still make the score three to two.”

  I reached down and grasped her hand in mine before bringing it up and holding her fingers splayed out against the left side of my chest, right up against my heart. I could feel it beating through my chest, so I knew she could, too.

  “You saved me in another way.” I looked into her eyes, wanting her to understand what I meant so much. “You gave me something…no, someone…to live for. There was no reason for my existence before you. We’re definitely even.”

  Raine continued to stare right back at me before she broke out in a smile and nodded slightly. She pulled her hand out from under mine and reached up to run her fingers over my cheek and into my hair where she knew I liked it best.

  “All right,” she finally agreed. “We’re even.”

  As far as I was concerned, what she had done for me outweighed any of the shit I had done for her. When I thought about why I pulled her out of the water in the first place…well, I didn’t really know why. Maybe it was because she was there or because I didn’t have anything better to do at the time. It could have been because I was the captain and she was a passenger, and I felt some kind of fucking duty. Maybe I didn’t know what else to do. I certainly didn’t save her from dehydration – the fucking rain did that. Maybe this last time was different. I felt my muscles tighten for a moment, but her hand in my hair kept me from getting too worked up. It’s not like I thought about it – I just reacted. They had to die, plain and simple. What she had done for me…it meant more.

  Actually, what she had done for me – that was completely different from any of the stupid or instinctual shit
I had done. She kept pushing even when I was being a royal asshole. She pulled things out of me I never wanted to talk about, and for the first time in four years, I was sleeping without alcohol, and the nightmares weren’t too bad as long as I was holding her tightly. She gave me her warmth and her touch, and she took care of me when I was hurt. I felt her lips touch mine as I let the ramifications of her final gift to me warm my soul.

  She gave me her love. On top of that, she showed me how to love her, too. She wasn’t holding my past against me though I know it certainly wasn’t something she approved of or anything. She was accepting what I was and who I was even when I was being a moody little bastard, and she loved me anyway. Not only did she bring me back from almost certain death from infection, she was teaching me to care about life again when a month ago I had been pretty convinced my future consisted of nothing but drinking myself to death.

  I guess I was going to live after all.

  Chapter 15 – Grow

  It took over a week to complete the shelter, but in the end it fucking rocked. It was about ten feet on each side and had a floor that was placed up on rocks to keep it off the ground a little to avoid any flooding if we had a good storm. So far, it had only rained on us a few times, and those had always been light showers. It rained enough to fill up our water containers and keep us from having to trek over to the water source for a couple of days. The three sides of the shelter made the whole thing nearly six and a half feet tall, so I could walk around inside without stooping over. The roof had a skeletal structure of woody branches topped with the sides of the raft, which I had completely ripped apart. Raine had nearly become hysterical when I started tearing it up. Apparently, she thought we might need to use the raft to get off the island someday. It took some convincing, but she finally realized if we ever left here, it wouldn’t be on that piece of shit. The parts of the raft were a lot more useful to us than the whole of it would ever be. I asked her if she ever wanted to be in the same position again – low on water, unable to find more food – and she agreed that she didn’t, but that didn’t stop her from crying over it for an hour.