Board Stiff

  Pewter scrutinized the cloud. “Let me check my data banks. Yes—that is no ordinary cloud. That is Fracto.”

  “Who?” Tiara asked. “I saw clouds from my tower, but they were not named.”

  “Fracto Cumulo Nimbus, the self-styled king of clouds,” Pewter said. “Otherwise known as a developing thunderstorm. This must be where he sleeps when not raining on parades.”

  “We’ve run afoul of him before,” Mitch said.

  “Oh, yes,” Tiara said. “At Centaur Island. I had forgotten. But that was far from here, I think.”

  “Distance doesn’t matter,” Pewter said. “He goes where he wishes.”

  “He’s puffing up,” Tiara said. “It’s almost as if he can hear us.”

  “He can hear us,” Pewter said. “He’s a form of demon. But our Quest is no business of his. Ignore him and he’ll float away.”

  “He’s not floating away, he’s expanding. His top is coming to look like an anvil, and his bottom is getting dark gray.”

  “Oh, bleep,” Pewter swore. “I forgot that I have to maintain the firewall, and can’t simply make Fracto change his vaporous mind. I was speaking dismissively of him, and he doesn’t like that. Now he’ll rain on us.”

  “So who cares about a little rain?” Ease asked. He faced the cloud. “Hey, fog-for-brains! You think a little rain will bother us?”

  “That was not wise,” Pewter said.

  Not wise at all, Kandy knew. Clouds could get violent when worked up.

  “Oh, pooh!” Ease said. “Take that, Fracture!” He made a gesture with one hand.

  “Best to ease off, no pun,” Mitch said. “Rain can get heavy.”

  “So we’ll take shelter under a tree for half an hour until he blows himself out.”

  “I think we had better get away from the lake,” Pewter said.

  “Because of a blob of mist?” Ease demanded. “What kind of pantywaists are we?”

  This was going too far. Kandy sent a DESIST thought to Ease.

  But it was too late. The cloud had burgeoned to cover the whole lake and was now expanding to include the meadow. Swirls of fog formed to make baleful eyes. A cruel crack of a mouth formed. Wind blew out.

  It caught them, perfectly aimed. It was a hard, icy blast that almost swept them off their feet. In fact it did catch the dresses of the two women and carried them a short distance back. Mitch quickly caught Tiara’s arm, while Astrid ducked down to make a smaller target.

  Kandy’s knothole eyes were not bothered by the wind or rain. She saw that things were falling from the cloud. Animals. It was raining cats and dogs!

  No, these were different creatures. They were deer who plainly loved water. She groaned inwardly. Rain Deer. More proof that the pun virus had not reached this area.

  “Get under cover,” Pewter said.

  “What cover?” Mitch asked. His shirt was coming apart, his hair severely tugged by the wind.

  “Or a hole in the ground,” Pewter said. “Anything to get us out of the direct blast.”

  They found a depression and huddled down in it, letting the wind pass over them. “But won’t this flood?” Tiara asked.

  As if in answer, a sluice of water blasted down on them. Water puddled immediately. Their lower portions were soon soaked.

  “But if we try to run elsewhere,” Mitch said, “We’ll be exposed to the full force of the wind.”

  “Indeed,” Pewter agreed. “That is why it is better not to aggravate demon clouds.”

  “We need shelter of some sort,” Mitch said. “Ah—I see a canopy. That may do it.”

  “A what?” Tiara asked.

  “It’s a pun,” he said, picking up a sealed can. “Fortunately they still exist here. I will invoke it.” He held the can up before him. “Manifest!”

  The can expanded explosively, becoming huge. Kandy could now read lettering on its side. CAN O’ PEA. It was a pun all right.

  The top of the can popped up, and green paste welled out. The can was filled with pea mash.

  “But what good will this do us in this deluge?” Tiara asked. She was now standing beside Mitch in the lee of the huge can, her dress plastered to her slender torso.

  “We can get in it and be sheltered from the wind and rain,” Mitch said. “See, the lid is the canopy.”

  “But it’s full of pea! It’s as bad as the pea soup fog!”

  “Yes, we won’t go hungry during the storm. Then we’ll wash off when it’s over.”

  There did not seem to be much choice, because the wind and rain were fierce and the water on the ground was rising, overflowing the depression.

  Mitch boosted Tiara up and over the rim of the can. The others followed. There was just room around the edge, their lower bodies surrounded by pea.

  The rain continued to torrent down. The canopy-lid shielded them from it, but it was an almost solid wall just beyond the can.

  “What are those shapes out there?” Tiara asked.

  Kandy prompted Ease. “Rain Deer,” he said.

  Tiara grimaced. “Sometimes I wonder if the pun virus is such a bad thing.”

  “I don’t,” Pewter said tersely.

  And that was the thing: puns could be annoying, but Xanth without them simply would not be the same.

  The deluge did not let up. It seemed that Fracto was really angry. The water was now causing the lake to overflow its boundary and flood the meadow.

  “This can’t continue much longer,” Mitch said. “There’s simply not that much water in the air.”

  “You forget that Fracto is a magic cloud,” Pewter said. “He can conjure whatever water he needs or wants.”

  “All because Ease disrespected him?”

  “Some folk are very sensitive to respect.”

  “Some stupid folk,” Ease said.

  The downpour intensified into a drenchpour. “Stop talking,” Pewter said.

  Because Fracto was still listening, Kandy realized. But they were already in for it. This would be a long siege.

  “This pea mash isn’t bad,” Astrid said, chewing on it. She too was plastered, her dress becoming almost a second skin with sequins attached.

  The others tried the pea mash, and pronounced it good. They would not go hungry, no matter how long the rain lasted.

  The level of the lake rose until the meadow disappeared entirely and the few trees were spot islands. The water surged around the base of the pea can, until, with a lurch, it rose off the ground and floated. They clung to the rim as the can wee-wawed in the tide.

  “I am feeling sea-sick,” Tiara said, and vomited into the storm.

  “Oh, bleep!” Mitch muttered, and followed suit.

  Now that the can o’ pea was loose, the wind caught it and drove it along like a raft. “I fear Fracto is taking us somewhere,” Pewter said.

  “It’s an inland lake,” Astrid said. “Where is there to go?”

  “It is now more like an inland sea,” Pewter said. “Wherever we are headed, I’m sure we will not like it.”

  “And we thought there was no Event here,” Ease said.

  “There wasn’t, until you started ragging Fracto,” Tiara said, showing a flash of ill temper. Her face was greenish, her hair was a spiky mess, and her plastered body was shivering; there was a suspicion she wasn’t feeling well.

  “Sorry about that,” Ease said. “Can’t fix it now.”

  “You could apologize to Fracto.”

  “Apologize to an idiotic cloud?”

  The rain seemed to intensify even further.

  “Yes,” Tiara said. “It couldn’t hurt.”

  “Maybe a gourd-style apology?” Ease asked sarcastically.

  “Oh, you’re impossible!”

  “I wonder,” Mitch said. “I doubt Fracto would care for Ease’s apology, but maybe if a pretty girl did it . . .”

  “Never!” Tiara snapped. She wasn’t actually very pretty at the moment.

  “A pretty face has been known to pacify savagery,” Pewter said.


  “Let me try,” Astrid said. She adjusted her sopping dress to uncover a bit more cleavage, and adjusted her sodden hair to frame her face appealingly. She leaned out over the rim so that raindrops splatted on her bosom. “Fracto!” she called. “We know we insulted you, and we’re sorry.”

  The rain eased up in her vicinity. The cloud was listening.

  Astrid took a deep breath that made both men sway dizzily, on the verge of freaking out. She was really learning to use her body. But could it impress an angry cloud? “We know that we were entirely out of line. We should not have disturbed you in your private retreat. We behaved wretchedly. We beg you to have mercy on us and let us resume our Quest to save Xanth from the pun virus.”

  The rain diminished further. Fracto was paying attention.

  “Oh, that? The Good Magician sent us to find the anti-virus that will stop the pun virus from wiping out all the remaining puns of Xanth.”

  A mini-gust of wind toyed with her hair.

  “Me? Why am I not looking directly at you? I’m actually a basilisk with a deadly gaze and poisonous ambiance. The Good Magician transformed me so I could assist the Quest. So I am sparing you my gaze.”

  There was a roll of thunder.

  “If you insist,” Astrid said. She removed her dark glasses and stared into the cloud.

  The rain halted entirely. The cloud dissolved. The sunlight reappeared.

  “Thank you!” Astrid called, putting her glasses back on. Then, to the others: “Fracto understands, now that he knows I’m telling the truth. He will let us be now.”

  “Or maybe your direct gaze blasted him,” Ease said.

  “No, he’s a demon, and he was ready for it. I didn’t hurt him. But it showed him that I am a basilisk, so he believed the rest.”

  “Except that we’re floating on a trackless sea,” Mitch said.

  “There has to be a reason for us being here,” Pewter said.

  A wind came up and blew the can onward.

  “I don’t trust this,” Mitch said. “Maybe Fracto is leaving us alone and maybe he isn’t. He may be sending us somewhere we don’t want to go.”

  “An island!” Astrid said. Her sharp vision was the first to spy it.

  “That is not necessarily good news,” Mitch said.

  “Hello.” It was a voice from the water.

  They looked. There was a mermaid with a pretty face and extremely well formed breasts. “Well hello to you, miss,” Ease said, looking down with interest.

  “Are you going to the Doctor’s island?” the mermaid asked. “If so, I’ll like to hitch a ride with you. The storm washed me out to sea and I’m not a good swimmer.”

  A mermaid not a good swimmer? Kandy was suspicious.

  “Welcome aboard, miss!” Ease said, reaching out to her.

  “Thank you.” She clasped him about the shoulders so that her bosom pressed against him and flipped her tail over the rim. Ease, delighted by the clasp, was clearly thrilled. But the others could see her tail. It was badly misshapen, as if her body had not made up its mind whether to form the tail or legs.

  “Let’s introduce ourselves,” Astrid said, and quickly named the members of the Quest.

  “I am Mexine,” the mermaid said. “As you can see I am congenitally malformed.”

  “Not that I noticed,” Ease said.

  “Neither did I,” Mitch said.

  The mermaid smiled. “You have to look lower. We merfolk tend to be well endowed, to pad our upper portions so we don’t get cold.”

  “This is true,” Pewter said. “Mermaids inhabit rivers and lakes. Merwomen inhabit the sea, and are even better endowed, for similar reason.”

  The men forced their reluctant eyes down. “Oh.”

  “Healing elixir doesn’t help, because it’s not exactly an injury,” Mexine said. “I can swim, but not well, and I tire easily. I will surely fall victim to some predator, or die of hunger when the next fish famine occurs. Meanwhile I make do as well as I can. So I thank you for the lift to the island, though I am surprised you are going there.”

  “Surprised? Why?” Astrid asked. It was apparent that the men were no good for this interview, as their eyes kept straying upward.

  “Well, it’s the infamous Island of Dr. Moribund. No one goes there voluntarily. They say he does weird experiments on people.”

  “What kind of experiments?”

  “I’m not sure. I can’t go on land, of course, so remain in the rocky surf. The Doctor looks but leaves us alone; I think he’s more of a leg man.” She grimaced, evidently resenting the advantage legged women had with men. “But every so often I see him. He’s halfway cute. Yet he has a terrible reputation. Something about putting pieces of people into animals, or vice versa. His assistant, Frank, looks sort of assembled, actually.”

  The wind continued to blow them toward the island. “I think Fracto has not forgiven us,” Mitch muttered. “Astrid’s apology persuaded him to let us drift to the island instead of shipwrecking on it, is all.”

  “I fear you are correct,” Pewter said. “Our reckoning is still to come.”

  “This is good pea paste,” the mermaid said. “It was smart of you to come provisioned for the storm.”

  “Eat all you want,” Ease said.

  “I will, thank you.” Mexine was clearly hungry.

  “Are there many of you?” Mitch inquired.

  “Merfolk? Yes, we are everywhere, but we generally hide from men, because they get funny ideas.”

  “We do, when we see girls like you,” Mitch agreed. “Do you have talents, as people do?”

  “People?” she asked sharply. “We are people.”

  Tiara cut in. “Of course you are. He didn’t mean anything disparaging. He’s just—distracted.” Her eyes flicked to the mermaid’s bosom.

  “Oh. Of course.” Mexine considered. “Actually we do have talents, but they aren’t as well defined as those of landlubber people.”

  Kandy saw Mitch wince. The mermaid was getting back at him.

  “Talents,” Tiara prompted her.

  “Mine is to see the future, vaguely. It’s really not much use.”

  “That depends,” Astrid said. “What do you see for us?”

  Mexine focused. “We will meet again, and it will change my life. But that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. My life changes minute by minute. This encounter changed it, by getting me back to the island and feeding me, which I really appreciate. As for you people, I see danger. But of course just setting foot on the Island is dangerous, so that’s no help.”

  The wind bore them on until the dread island loomed. They had no choice but to land on it.

  “I’m sorry you are stranded here,” Mexine said. She seemed contrite about her sharpness on the “people” issue. “I really do appreciate the ride; it saved me an awful swim I might not have survived. If there’s anything I can do for you in return, go to the shore and call my name and I’ll come to you.” She hauled herself up and over the rim.

  “We will!” Ease called after her.

  The man was hopelessly optimistic. What could a lame mermaid do for them on land, however willing she might be? But all Ease could see was her breasts. Kandy found herself increasingly annoyed. There had been a time when her breasts had caught the wandering eyes.

  The can crashed into a rock at the shore and tilted, dumping them out. They splashed in the water, then made their way to land. Like it or not, they would visit Dr. Moribund.

  They dragged themselves out of the surf and stood shivering on the fragmented bit of beach. “I’ve had more than enough of getting soaked,” Mitch said. “The prospects here do not look appealing. I wonder whether it would not be better to cut this short and move on via a sequin.”

  “I wonder too,” Tiara said. “Maybe we should vote on it.”

  “Yet there is likely to be reason for this event,” Pewter said. “I would hesitate to cut it short.”

  “Vote,” Mitch said. “All in favor--”

 
“Vell now.”

  They turned, startled. There was what could only be Frank, the doctor’s assistant. He did indeed look assembled, with rather different limbs attached to a gross central torso and a child’s head.

  “We’re just passing through,” Mitch said.

  “No. Dr. M needs bodies. He vill velcome you. You come to mansion.”

  “Needs bodies?” Tiara asked nervously.

  “For exchanges. Come now.”

  “I think not,” Mitch said, and Ease lifted the board menacingly.

  “Then me make you come,” Frank said. He raised a small wand.

  “That’s a knockout wand,” Pewter said. “Its range will be limited. Scatter!”

  But before they could do that, the wand flashed blue. The four people dropped to the ground, unconscious, and Pewter did too, faking it.

  Kandy started to manifest, but as Ease fell the board was knocked loose and landed beside him, not touching. Kandy was helpless.

  Frank had a wagon. He methodically piled the people on it, two on the bottom, two more crosswise over them, and the last, Pewter, on top. But as he was being lifted, Pewter’s hand swung out and caught the board. “We need you,” he murmured, speaking to Kandy. “If there is serious risk to the party, I will abate the firewall and change spot reality to fix it. But I prefer not to chance my own extinction without compelling reason.”

  Kandy understood. Until they learned exactly what the good doctor had in mind for them, it was better to play along.

  Frank seemed strong enough, despite his patchwork body. He hauled the laden wagon along a bumpy path up to the grim mansion.

  “I don’t know of Dr. Moribund,” Pewter murmured to Kandy. “But there are precedents in mundane literature. This may not be pleasant.”

  They were trundled into the mansion, and on into a laboratory where a professorish man was reading a manual. “What did you find, Frankenstein?” he asked. “Heh. Was there anything on the floating can?”

  “Who cares about a can?” a female voice demanded. Kandy saw that it came from a wild-haired, wild-eyed woman in an adjacent cell. She was not at all pretty except for her legs, which were marvels of symmetry and tone.

  “Me find five bodies, Dr. M,” Frank replied.

  “Who cares about five bodies?” the woman demanded.