Dark Surrendering

  “Yeah. And when you get back, you can read the rest of the letters.” His eyes lit up when I mentioned the letters again. I’d almost forgotten about them in the heat of last night.

  “Sounds like a plan. And then maybe we can have dinner, and I can eat it off of you.”

  I made a face. I didn’t like mixing food and sex. Too many weird things could go wrong with that whole situation.

  “Or maybe we could go out for dinner. Somewhere nice,” he said.

  “Perfect.” He gave me one more kiss before he grabbed the rest of his stuff and headed down the hall. I tried to tell myself that he was just a few yards away, but my heart was dumb and wouldn’t listen.

  I told myself to get a grip. He’d be right back. I could deal with not seeing him for a little while. Hell, I did without him for a whole damn month.

  But that was before I told him that I loved him, and before he said he loved me in person. Everything was different now. Sure, life was more complicated, but what wasn’t? Yes, things could go wrong, but I could trip in the bathroom while brushing my teeth and impale myself on the toothbrush and die. Life was all about risks, and if you never took any, you weren’t living. I’d been balls to the wall in most everything I did, but with my love life I’d been cautious. Not anymore. I was all in.

  All fucking in.

  I happily got to work making Ryder more clothes. Pants and jeans and jackets and shirts and even a few suits. I really wanted to see him in a suit again.

  He came back just before five with a grin on his face.

  “What’s so funny?” I asked, coming out of the second bedroom that I’d converted to my studio.

  “Nothing. Lucah’s just an asshole sometimes.”

  I had no idea what that was about, so I let it go.

  “You’re vertical,” he said, noticing that I was standing up.

  “Yup. It took a lot of effort, but here I am.” I hadn’t really gotten dressed, though. I’d just thrown on a tank top and a pair of shorts. No bra or underwear. Didn’t need ‘em.

  “Great. So, I was thinking that we should make tonight really special.” He held his hand in front of his face to show me there was nothing in it, and then he snapped his fingers and held something out.

  “What’s that?” I asked, coming over to see what was in his hand. It was an earring with a clear teardrop-shaped stone. If I didn’t know better, I’d say it was a diamond. Ryder held it up in front of my face and grinned.

  “Pretty,” I said, not getting where this was going.

  Ryder pretended to be confused.

  “Oh, that’s right.” He reached behind my ear, and another earring, identical to the first, appeared.

  “Cute,” I said. Taking my hand, he dropped both earrings into my palm and closed it around them.

  “For me?” I asked.

  “Of course. Who did you think they were for?”

  I don’t know. No guy had ever given me jewelry before.

  “They’re so pretty,” I said, studying them closer. The ear wires were a little bit tarnished. These were not new.

  “Where did you get them?” I asked.

  “They were my mother’s,” he said, his voice catching a little. “When my parents died, the three of us split up their jewelry. Since I didn’t trust myself with what I might do if I needed a fix, Ryder’s been keeping mine safe for me. We went to the bank and got them out of the safety deposit box a little while ago.”

  I was suddenly seized with the fear that I would somehow drop or damage the precious jewelry in my hand. These weren’t just earrings. This was a piece of Ryder that he was sharing with me. Giving to me, along with his heart.

  “Thank you so much, Ryder.” The earrings definitely weren’t my style, but that didn’t matter at all. I loved them so much. Immediately, I took out the hoops I’d slept in and set them on the side table next to my television and put in the ones he’d given me.

  “How do they look?” I asked, pulling my hair back. Ryder touched the earring in my left ear.

  “Perfect. I knew they would. They’re diamonds.”

  Yikes. I was kind of hoping they were cubic zirconia.

  “I don’t feel right wearing them,” I said. “I mean, what if something happens?”

  “So? I still want you to have them. Even if we don’t stay together, I’ll always remember you and want you to have them.”

  He did have a point, but I knew that if we did break up (hell, we hadn’t even discussed dating yet. Were we dating?), I would give them back to him. I couldn’t keep something like that.

  “Speaking of being together,” he said, as if he’d read my mind.

  “Yeah, we should probably talk about that,” I said.

  “But first, I want the rest of my letters,” he said, walking toward the couch and sitting down.

  “Sure, I’ll give you some privacy,” I said, walking back into my home studio.

  “You don’t have to,” he said.

  I smiled at him over my shoulder as I closed the door.

  “It’s okay, take your time.”

  I shut the door and turned some music on. I was probably overdoing it with the clothes, but whatever. I was having a good time.

  About an hour later, there was a knock at the door. I opened it to find Ryder standing there, holding one of my letters.

  “You said you love me,” he said, waving the letter in his hand. I didn’t get it.

  “Yeah, I blurted it out at the airport, remember? And I definitely said it a million times last night.” I’d also said I loved certain attributes about him multiple times.

  “But you wrote me. You signed the letters with ‘Love, Sloane.’”

  I nodded, not getting it.

  “Yes, and I also told you that night in the hospital.”

  He shook his fist again, as if he was frustrated I couldn’t read his mind.

  “But that night you said ‘loved.’ Past tense. This is present. And you said it when I was gone.”

  “Yeah, well, so did you. You left me a fucking voicemail. What was I supposed to do with that?” I wasn’t mad, but I was getting a little frustrated.

  “I know I said that I loved you but I wasn’t in love with you, but well, I am,” I said. “Both of those things. I’m not even sure what I feel for you now is even love anymore. It’s this all-consuming force that sometimes I’m afraid is going to destroy me.” Oops. I was getting worked up again, but he tended to do that to me.

  “Yeah, well that’s how this feels! Like my whole fucking world is standing right in front of me and it’s you. You are everything, Sloane.”

  I started to cry. I don’t know why, I’d just built up so many emotions and hadn’t let them out to him, and here they were, rushing forward.

  “I’m still mad at you for what you did, but I’ve forgiven you, and we’re going to move on from it. The past is in the past and it’s time for our future. To forge a new path. Together. I’m all in, Ryder.”

  He tossed the letter aside and lifted me off my feet.

  “I’m going to fuck you again just for saying that.”

  “Promise?” I said. I was sore and stiff as hell, but I’d get over it. We needed this.

  I don’t know where the energy came from, but Ryder and I made love like we were mortal enemies, bent on destroying each other with passion. It was rough and raw, and by the time it was over I couldn’t even remember my own name. He made me fuck his face again, and I was more than happy to get on that ride.

  “So I think,” Ryder said, still panting, “that we should date.”

  “What are you talking about?” I asked, using my hand to prop myself up so I could see his face.

  “I was thinking that you should be my girlfriend and I can be your boyfriend, and we can do shit like go to the movies and make out in the back and hold hands and finish each other’s sentences.”

  I snorted. “Is that what dating is for you?”

  He shrugged. “I guess. But it would be different with you
, obviously. Because everything is different with you.”

  I kissed his chest.

  “Then maybe we should call it something different. How about . . . togethering?”

  He made a face that told me he didn’t think that phrase was very good.

  “Well fine, you come up with something,” I said.

  “Can’t we just . . . be?”

  “Be what?”

  “Be Sloane and Ryder.”

  “You’re not making any sense,” I said. “Are you thinking we should combine our names like a celebrity couple or something? How would you combine our names anyway?”

  “Slyder?” he said.

  “That’s actually kind of awesome,” I said. “Okay, we’ll be Slyder. And what is involved in Slydering? Yeah, I turned it into a verb.”

  He looked up at me and smiled so big I thought he was going to injure his facial muscles.

  “I love this. Can we just do this for the rest of our lives? I don’t just mean the sex, because that’s spectacular, but just this. The talking and the staring and the everything.”

  “The Slydering,” I said.

  “Yeah. The Slydering. We’ll turn it into a thing.”

  “It will sweep the nation. Maybe even the world.”

  “Undoubtedly,” he said, his expression going serious. “We’ll probably be nominated to rule the world. That’s going to be a lot of work.”

  “Meh, we got this. Together.” I held my hand up, and he clasped it in his and kissed the back of my hand.

  “Together,” he said.

  Ryder went back to Lucah and Rory’s to get ready for our Slyder, known to everyone else as a date. But we were calling it a Slyder because that was how we rolled.

  I searched through my closet, wondering what I should wear and had come back to the gown I’d worn the night of the ball. It was one of my absolute favorites dresses I’d ever made for myself. And it had a not so good memory associated with it. I wanted to change that.

  So I put it on and twisted my hair up in the back and made sure Ryder’s mother’s earrings were safely in my ears. They really were gorgeous. They weren’t my style, but maybe they could be. I used to believe that people didn’t change, or they only changed a little and pretty much stayed the same from the time they were young. But now I was revising that. People could change. Not everyone, of course.

  Ryder had changed. I had changed. We were changing together and turning into new people. I liked these new people and couldn’t wait to see more of them.

  There was a knock at my door, and I grabbed my coat and bag. I swung the door open and started laughing. Ryder was wearing the same suit he’d worn at the ball.

  “Twinsies,” I said, motioning to the dress. “Guess we both had the same idea.”

  He was stunning. He’d slicked back his hair and trimmed his beard, and in that suit he was good enough to eat.

  “Yeah,” he said, staring at me. “What did you say?” He blinked a few times, and I laughed.

  “I said that we had the same idea to wear the outfits from the ball. Figured we should make some new memories in them.” I did a little twirl, and Ryder clapped.

  “That is some dress, Sloane.”

  I swung the skirt.

  “And what about the girl inside it?”

  He leaned forward and gave me a kiss on my cheek. “She’s even more spectacular.”

  “You’re not so bad yourself,” I said. “If your goal was to get me to say fuck dinner and let’s go straight to bed, you succeeded.” Even though I was absolutely starving and well on my way to hangry, I would put it off for a little while to strip him out of that suit.

  “That wasn’t my goal, but if that’s what you want,” he said, pulling me close and nibbling my neck.

  “No, no, we have reservations. We should go. And I’m super hungry. We can totally have sex after dinner. I’m willing to skip dessert.”

  He hugged me tighter. “You are the best. Sometimes I can’t believe you’re real.”

  “Same here,” I said.

  He helped me on with my coat then gave me his arm. We rode the elevator down, walking out of the building and onto the street. I thought maybe he would hail a cab, but we just kept walking.

  “Where are we going?” I asked.

  “To dinner,” he said, not answering my question.

  “Yes, but we’re not walking there, are we?” I had my heels on from the ball and they weren’t going to be fun to walk in for much more than a few blocks.

  “Nope. We’re driving.” He pulled something jingly out of his pants and held them up.

  “So you stole a car?”

  My comment caused him to throw his head back and laugh.

  “No, Lucah said I could borrow his. I hope I can save up enough money working at the gallery to get my own. Or at least get a bike. But maybe a car is more practical now.”

  “Now?” I asked, knowing what he meant but needing to hear him say it.

  “Now that we’re Slydering. I couldn’t exactly throw you on the back of a motorcycle right now. And they’re not very practical in the winter anyway. A car is much more sensible. And I can get something badass and trick it out.”

  I didn’t want him to sacrifice the desire to have a motorcycle for me.

  “Well, maybe, if you’re a good little boy, Santa might bring you something special for Christmas.” I knew absolutely nothing about bikes, but maybe Lucah could help me out.

  “What if I’m a bad little boy?”

  God, I hoped so.

  “Well, you might get something even a little more special.” We made it to the parking garage, and Ryder made me wait so he could bring the car around. That made me smile.

  He pulled the car right up to where I was standing and jumped out to take my hand, leading me to the door. He was being quite the gentleman.

  “Is this something I can get used to?” I asked as he helped me sit like I was a delicate feminine flower.

  “Maybe,” he said before leaning forward, giving me a kiss, and shoving his tongue in my mouth. My dirty gentleman.

  The restaurant was in the swanky part of Boston, which I didn’t frequent. Mostly because I didn’t like the idea of sitting in a fancy restaurant by myself, and none of my friends were all that fancy, despite some of their upbringings.

  “Are you sure we’re allowed here?” I said in his ear as we walked to the front.

  “Shhh,” he said, putting his finger to his lips. I closed my mouth and followed his lead as we walked inside and to the host standing at his podium.

  “Do you have a reservation?” he said in a crisp and professional voice. Yup, this place was definitely upscale.

  “Yes, it’s under Kensington. Walter and Margaret?”

  What the fuck was he talking about? I squeezed his arm, but he ignored me. Then I remembered that time when Ryder told us the story of Lucah pretending to be different people when they were growing up, which probably led partially to his career in being a corporate spy. Was Ryder taking a leaf out of his brother’s book?

  “Ah, yes. Right this way, Mr. Kensington.”

  The host didn’t seem to think the name was odd at all, and was apparently buying this charade. Oh well, might as well go along with it.

  “Oh, Walter, this place is lovely,” I said as he pulled my chair out for me. “Much better than that other place we went last week. Might as well dine in the alley,” I said, smiling at the host. He smiled down at me and handed me a menu, pointed out the wine list, and then started rattling off the specials. Fortunately for me, being a cooking aficionado, I knew what they all were even though some of them were in foreign languages.

  “Thank you very much,” Ryder said. “Do you know what you’d like to get for wine, Margie?” Oh, I had a nickname now? He must have planned this out. The only problem was that I didn’t know how much money Ryder had to indulge on this little outing.

  “There are so many to choose from. Can we take a moment to decide?” I said, smiling swee
tly at the host.

  He bowed.

  “Absolutely. I’ll come back in a few minutes.”

  I waited until he was out of earshot to talk to Ryder.

  “How much money do you have? I mean, can you even afford this place?” I made sure to keep my voice as low as possible so no one would hear me. Most of the other diners were using their inside-fancy-restaurant voices. Plus, there was actually a dude playing the piano in the corner.

  “Don’t worry about it, Margie. I’ve got this. Get whatever you want. Well, maybe with the exception of that bottle of wine that’s about six hundred dollars. But anything else, go for it.”

  I definitely wasn’t going to do that. I’d feel like I was taking advantage. This wasn’t dating, this was Slydering, and I wasn’t going to let him pay for everything.

  But I didn’t want Ryder to know that, so I just smiled at him.

  “Thanks, Walter. I will.” I scanned the wine menu and found a Prosecco that wasn’t too cheap but wasn’t too fancy either. Our waiter soon arrived to take our dinner orders. For my meal, I had duck a l’Orange, and Ryder got the filet mignon. We kept up with our characters the whole time, having a pretend conversation about various friends from the country club and how Muffy was leaving Carter and taking the children. Ryder talked about a fictitious office and I talked about picking out new curtains. The whole evening was fun, and I loved pretending to be someone else with him.

  We both ate fast, and Ryder motioned for the check without even looking at the dessert menu.

  “What’s he going to say when he sees the name on your credit card?” I asked, leaning in.

  “He’s not going to see a card.” Ryder pulled out his wallet and showed me the bills inside it.

  “Put that away, do you want to get robbed?” I hissed at him.

  “In here?” He motioned around us. Yeah, okay, so the likelihood of us being robbed in here was slim, but still. You should never wave a bunch of cash around.

  The check arrived and Ryder wouldn’t even let me see it. He just gave it a glance, threw in some bills, and held it up.