The Magic Pudding

'It's worse than beetles in the soup, It's worse than crows to eat. It's worse than wearin' small-sized boots Upon your large-sized feet.

  'It's worse than kerosene to boose, It's worse than ginger hair. It's worse than anythin' to lose A Puddin' rich and rare.'

  Bunyip Bluegum reproved this despondency, saying, 'Come, come, this isno time for giving way to despair. Let us, rather, by the fortitude ofour bearing prove ourselves superior to this misfortune and, with theenergy of justly enraged men, pursue these malefactors, who have sorichly deserved our vengeance. Arise!'

  'Bravely spoken,' said Bill, immediately recovering from despair.

  'The grass is green, the day is fair, The dandelions abound. Is this a time for sad despair And sitting on the ground?

  'Our Puddin' in some darksome lair In iron chains is bound, While puddin'-snatchers on him fare, And eat him by the pound.

  'Let gloom give way to angry glare, Let weak despair be drowned, Let vengeance in its rage declare Our Puddin' must be found.

  'Then let's resolve to do and dare. Let teeth with rage be ground. Let voices to the heavens declare Our Puddin' MUST be found.'

  'Those gallant words have fired our blood,' said Sam, and they bothshook hands with Bunyip, to show that they were now prepared to followthe call of vengeance.

  'In order to investigate this dastardly outrage,' said Bunyip, 'we mustbecome detectives, and find a clue. We must find somebody who has seen asinged possum. Once traced to their lair, mother-wit will suggest somemeans of rescuing our Puddin'.'

  They set off at once, and, after a brisk walk, came to a small housewith a signboard on it saying, 'Henderson Hedgehog, Horticulturist'.Henderson himself was in the garden, horticulturing a cabbage, and theyasked him if he had chanced to see a singed possum that morning.

  'What's that? What, what?' said Henderson Hedgehog, and when they hadrepeated the question, he said, 'You must speak up, I'm a trifle deaf.'

  'Have you seen a singed possum?' shouted Bill.

  'I can't hear you,' said Henderson.

  'Have you seen a SINGED POSSUM?' roared Bill.

  'To be sure,' said Henderson, 'but the turnips are backward.'

  'Turnips be stewed,' yelled Bill in such a tremendous voice that he blewhis own hat off. 'HAVE YOU SEEN A SINGED POSSUM?'

  'Good season for wattle blossom,' said Henderson. 'Well, yes, but a verypoor season for carrots.'

  'A man might as well talk to a carrot as try an' get sense out of thisrunt of a feller,' said Bill, disgusted. 'Come an' see if we can't findsomeone that it won't bust a man's vocal cords gettin' information outof.'

  They left Henderson to his horticulturing and walked on till they met aParrot who was a Swagman, or a Swagman who was a Parrot. He must havebeen one or the other, if not both, for he had a bag and a swag, and abeak, and a billy, and a thundering bad temper into the bargain, for themoment Bill asked him if he had met a singed possum he shouted back--

  'Me eat a singed possum! I wouldn't eat a possum if he was singed,roasted, boiled, or fried.'

  'Not ett--met,' shouted Bill. 'I said, met a singed possum.'

  'Why can't yer speak plainly, then,' said the Parrot. 'Have you got afill of tobacco on yer?'

  He took out his pipe and scowled at Bill.

  'Here you are,' said Bill. 'Cut a fill an' answer the question.'

  'All in good time,' said the Parrot, and he added to Sam, 'You got anytobacco?'

  Sam handed him a fill, and he put it in his pocket. 'You ain't got anytobacco,' he said scornfully to Bunyip Bluegum. 'I can see that at aglance. You're one of the non-smoking sort, all fur and feathers.'

  'Here,' said Bill angrily. 'Enough o' this beatin' about the bush.Answer the question.'

  'Don't be impatient,' said the Parrot. 'Have you got a bit o' tea an'sugar on yer?'

  'Here's yer tea an' sugar,' said Bill, handing a little of each out ofthe bag. 'And that's the last thing you get. Now will you answer thequestion?'

  'Wot question?' asked the Parrot.

  'Have yer seen a singed possum?' roared Bill.

  'No, I haven't,' said the Parrot, and he actually had the insolence tolaugh in Bill's face.

  'Of all the swivel-eyed, up-jumped, cross-grained, sons of a cock-eyedtinker,' exclaimed Bill, boiling with rage. 'If punching parrots on thebeak wasn't too painful for pleasure, I'd land you a sockdolager on themuzzle that 'ud lay you out till Christmas. Come on, mates,' he added,'it's no use wastin' time over this low-down, hook-nosedtobacco-grabber.' And leaving the evil-minded Parrot to pursue hisevil-minded way, they hurried off in search of information.

  The next person they spied was a Bandicoot carrying a watermelon. At afirst glance you would have thought it was merely a watermelon walkingby itself, but a second glance would have shown you that the walking wasbeing done by a small pair of legs attached to the watermelon, and athird glance would have disclosed that the legs were attached to aBandicoot.

  They shouted, 'Hi, you with the melon!' to attract his attention, andset off running after him, and the Bandicoot, being naturally of aterrified disposition, ran for all he was worth. He wasn't worth much asa runner, owing to the weight of the watermelon, and they caught him uphalf-way across the field.

  Conceiving that his hour had come, the Bandicoot gave a shrill squeak ofterror and fell on his knees.

  'Take me watermelon,' he gasped,'but spare me life.'

  'Stuff an' nonsense,' said Bill. 'We don't want your life. What we wantis some information. Have you seen a singed possum about this morning?'

  'Singed possums, sir, yes sir, certainly sir,' gasped the Bandicoot,trembling violently.

  'What!' exclaimed Bill, 'do yer mean to say you have seen a singedpossum?'

  'Singed possums, sir, yes sir,' gulped the Bandicoot. 'Very plentiful,sir, this time of the year, sir, owing to the bush fires, sir.'

  'Rubbish,' roared Bill. 'I don't believe he's seen a singed possum atall.'

  'No, sir,' quavered the Bandicoot. 'Certainly not, sir. Wouldn't thinkof seeing singed possums if there was any objection, sir.'

  'You're a poltroon,' shouted Bill. 'You're a slaverin', quaverin',melon-carryin' nincompoop. There's no more chance of getting informationout of you than out of a terrified Turnip.'

  Leaving the Bandicoot to pursue his quavering, melon-humping existence,they set off again, Bill giving way to some very despondent expressions.

  'As far as I can see,' he said, 'if we can't find somethin' better thanstone-deaf hedgehogs, peevish parrots, and funkin' bandicoots we may aswell give way to despair.'

  Bunyip Bluegum was forced to exert his finest oratory to inspire them toanother frame of mind. 'Let it never be said,' he exclaimed, 'that theunconquerable hearts of Puddin'-owners quailed before a parrot, ahedgehog, or a bandicoot.'

  'Let hedgehogs deaf go delve and dig, Immune from loudest howl, Let bandicoots lump melons big, Let peevish parrots prowl.

  'Shall puddin'-owners bow the head At such affronts as these? No, No! March on, by anger led, Our Puddin' to release.

  'Let courage high resolve inflame Our captive Pud to free; Our banner wave, our words proclaim We march to victory!'

  'Bravely sung,' exclaimed Bill, grasping Bunyip Bluegum by the hand, andthey proceeded with expressions of the greatest courage anddetermination.

  As a reward for this renewed activity, they got some useful informationfrom a Rooster who was standing at his front gate looking up and downthe road, and wishing to heaven that somebody would come along for himto talk to. They got, in fact, a good deal more information than theyasked for, for the Rooster was one of those fine up-standing, bumptiousskites who love to talk all day, in the heartiest manner, to totalstrangers while their wives do the washing.

  'Singed possum,' he exclaimed, when they had put the usual question tohim. 'Now, what an extraordinary thing that you should come along andask me that question. What an astounding and incredible thing that youshould actually
use the word "singed" in connexion with the word"possum". Though mind you, the word I had in my mind was not "singed",but "burning". And not "possum", but