The Magic Pudding

  Third Slice

  'After our experience of yesterday,' said Bill Barnacle as the companyof Puddin'-owners set off along the road with their Puddin', 'we shallhave to be particularly careful. For what with low puddin'-thievesdisguising themselves as firemen, and low Wombats sneakin' our Puddin'while we're helpin' to put out fires, not to speak of all the worry andbother of tryin' to get information out of parrots and bandicoots an'hedgehogs, why, it's enough to make a man suspect his own grandfather ofbein' a puddin'-snatcher.'

  'As for me,' said Sam Sawnoff, practising boxing attitudes as he walkedalong, 'I feel like laying out the first man we meet on the off-chanceof his being a puddin'-thief.'

  'Indeed,' observed Bunyip Bluegum, 'to have one's noblest feelingsoutraged by reposing a too great trust in unworthy people, is to end byregarding all humanity with an equal suspicion.'

  'If you ask my opinion,' said the Puddin' cynically, 'thempuddin'-thieves are too clever for you; and, what's more, they're bettereaters than you. Why,' said the Puddin', sneering at Bill, 'I'll backone puddin'-thief to eat more in a given time than three Puddin'-ownersput together.'

  'These are very treacherous sentiments, Albert,' said Bill sternly.'These are very ignoble and shameless words,' but the Puddin' merelylaughed scornfully, and called Bill a bun-headed old beetle-crusher.

  'Very well,' said Bill, enraged, 'we shall see if a low puddin'-thief isbetter than a noble Puddin'-owner. When you see the terrible suspicionsI shall indulge in to-day you'll regret them words.'

  To prove his words Bill insisted on closely inspecting everybody he met,in case they should be puddin'-thieves in disguise.

  To start off with, they had an unpleasant scene with a Kookaburra, a lowlarrikin who resented the way that Bill examined him.

  'Who are you starin' at, Poodle's Whiskers?' he asked.

  'Never mind,' said Bill. 'I'm starin' at you for a good an' sufficientreason.'

  'Are yer?' said the Kookaburra. 'Well, all I can say is that if yerdon't take yer dial outer the road I'll bloomin' well take an' bounce agibber off yer crust,' and he followed them for quite a long way,singing out insulting things such as, 'You with the wire whiskers,' and'Get onter the bloke with the face fringe.'

  Bill, of course, treated this conduct with silent contempt. It was hisrule through life, he said, never to fight people with beaks.

  The next encounter they had was with a Flying-fox who, though not sovulgar and rude as the Kookaburra, was equally enraged because, as Billhad suspicions that he was the Possum disguised, he insisted onmeasuring him to see if he was the same length.

  'Nice goings on, indeed,' said the Flying-fox, while Bill was measuringhim, 'if a man can't go about his business without being measured bytotal strangers. A nice thing, indeed, to happen to FingleburyFlying-fox, the well-known and respected fruit stealer.'

  However, he was found to be six inches too short, so they let him go,and he hurried off, saying, 'I shall have the Law on you for this,measuring a man in a public place without being licensed as a tailor.'

  The third disturbance due to Bill's suspicions occurred while BunyipBluegum was in a grocer's shop. They had run out of tea and sugar, andhappening to pass through the town of Bungledoo took the opportunity oflaying in a fresh supply. If Bunyip hadn't been in the shop, as waspointed out afterwards, the trouble wouldn't have occurred. The first heheard of it was a scream of 'Help, help, murder is being done!' andrushing out of the shop, what was his amazement to see no less a personthan his Uncle Wattleberry bounding and plunging about the road withBill hanging on to his whiskers, and Sam hanging on to one leg.

  'I've got him,' shouted Bill. 'Catch a hold of his other leg and give mea chance to get his whiskers off.'

  'But why are you taking his whiskers off?' inquired Bunyip Bluegum.

  'Because they're stuck on with glue,' shouted Bill. 'I saw it at aglance. It's Watkin Wombat, Esq., disguised as a company promoter.'

  'Dear me,' said Bunyip, hurriedly, 'you are making a mistake. This isnot a puddin'-thief, this is an Uncle.'

  'A what?' exclaimed Bill, letting go the whiskers.

  'An Uncle,' replied Bunyip Bluegum.

  'An Uncle,' roared Uncle Wattleberry. 'An Uncle of the highestintegrity. You have most disgracefully and unmercifully pulled anUncle's whiskers.'

  'I can assure you,' said Bill, 'I pulled them under the delusion thatyou was a disguised Wombat.'

  'That is no excuse, sir,' bellowed Uncle Wattleberry. 'No one but anunmitigated ruffian would pull an Uncle's whiskers.

  'Who but the basest scoundrel, double-eyed, Would pluck an Uncle's whiskers in their pride, What baseness, then, doth such a man disclose Who'd raise a hand to pluck an Uncle's nose?'

  'If I've gone too far,' said Bill, 'I apologize. If I'd known you was anUncle I wouldn't have done it.'

  'Apologies are totally inadequate,' shouted Uncle Wattleberry. 'Nothingshort of felling you to the earth with an umbrella could possibly atonefor the outrage. You are a danger to the whisker-growing public. Youhave knocked my hat off, pulled my whiskers, and tried to remove mynose.'

  'Pullin' your nose,' said Bill, solemnly, 'is a mistake any man mightmake, for I put it to all present, as man to man, if that nose don'tlook as if it's only gummed on.'

  All present were forced to admit that it was a mistake that any manmight make. 'Any man,' as Sam remarked, 'would think he was doing you akindness by trying to pull it off.'

  'Allow me to point out also, my dear Uncle,' said Bunyip Bluegum, 'thatyour whiskers were responsible for this seeming outrage. Let your anger,then, be assuaged by the consciousness that you are the victim, not ofmalice, but of the misfortune of wearing whiskers.'

  'How now,' exclaimed Uncle Wattleberry. 'My nephew Bunyip among thesesacrilegious whisker-pluckers and nose-pullers. My nephew, not onlyaiding and abetting these ruffians, but seeking to palliate theircrimes! This is too much. My feelings are such that nothing but boundingand plunging can relieve them.'

  And thereupon did Uncle Wattleberry proceed to bound and plunge with thegreatest activity, shouting all the while--

  'You need not think I bound and plunge Like this in festive mood. I bound that bounding may expunge The thought of insult rude.

  'An Uncle's rage must seek relief, His anger must be drowned; It is to soothe an Uncle's grief That thus I plunge and bound.

  'I bound and plunge, I seethe with rage, My mighty anger seeks So much relief that I engage To plunge and bound for weeks.'

  Seeing that there was no possibility of inducing Uncle Wattleberry tolook at the affair in a reasonable light, they walked off and left himto continue his bounding and plunging for the amusement of the people ofBungledoo, who brought their chairs out on to the footpath in order toenjoy the sight at their ease. Bill's intention to regard everybody hemet with suspicion was somewhat damped by this mistake, and he saidthere ought to be a law to prevent a man going about looking as if hewas a disguised puddin'-thief.

  The most annoying part of it all was that when the puddin'-thieves didmake their appearance they weren't disguised at all. They were dressedas common ordinary puddin'-thieves, save that the Possum carried a branbag in his hand and the Wombat waved a white flag.

  'Well, if this isn't too bad,' shouted Bill, enraged. 'What d'you mean,comin' along in this unexpected way without bein' disguised?'

  'No, no,' sang out the Possum. 'No disguises to-day.'

  'No fighting, either,' said the Wombat.

  'No disguises, no fighting, and no puddin'-stealing,' said the Possum.'Nothing but the fairest and most honourable dealings.'

  'If you ain't after our Puddin', what are you after?' demanded Bill.

  'We're after bringing you a present in this bag,' said the Possum.

  'Absurd,' said Bill. 'Puddin'-thieves don't give presents away.'

  'Don't say that, Bill,' said the Possum, solemnly. 'If you only knewwhat noble intentions we have, you'd be ashamed of them words.'

  'You'
d blush to hear your voice a-utterin' of them,' said the Wombat.

  'I can't make this out at all,'