Learning to Live

  Chapter Five: The Truth

  Nichole

  I didn’t leave that night, and I didn’t leave that week either. Connor and I stayed with Luke, and I talked to Rachael and Daniel. I also spoke to Chase and Ava and to Skylar and Drew. They all said the same thing. That from what the doctor said in his letter, maybe Lorraine loves her son enough to free him. Ava didn’t say it, but I can see the doubt in her eyes. She doesn’t trust easily, and she doesn’t trust the doctor who nearly destroyed the both of us, or the woman who slept with both of our husbands.

  I decided to stay here in Savannah with my friends and with Luke. It’s been nearly four months since I saw Lorraine down by the beach. I haven’t seen her since. But that doesn’t mean that I think she’s gone. I still feel like someone is watching me, but I don’t voice it.

  I withdrew Connor from pre-school so I can watch him more closely at home. Looks like he’ll be home schooled and I’m okay with that. Every day I keep little Connor close by. He doesn’t go to Ava’s house without me. I can’t risk Lorraine showing up unexpectedly. Every time I see a blonde-haired woman, I think it might be her. Every time I see an unfamiliar car, I’m fearful that it’s her. I can’t help it. I have no idea where she is or what she wants.

  Luke’s house is done, and he moved in down the street. He hired additional help to get it completed sooner. He doesn’t say he worries about us, but I know he does. His actions say more than his words. Sometimes we stay there with him, and sometimes he stays here with us.

  We’ve gotten close, and we spend a lot of time together. We’ve never mentioned the word “love,” but his actions say it for him. He’s everything I ever read in a book that a man should be. He’s the hero in every heroic movie I ever watched. He’s everything my dad was, and he’s everything that Brett wasn’t.

  We share the same bed, but we haven’t made love yet. He still doesn’t know the extent of Brett’s abuse. I can’t tell him. I can’t let him see what Brett has done to me. He’ll be disgusted when he sees it. There will be no hiding the disgust on his face. I see the same look every time I look in the mirror. I saw the look on Ava’s face when she was forced to care for me. When she was forced to wrap my body in gauze and medicated cream. Brett told me every day how ugly my scars were, and how no one would ever be able to love me because of them. Maybe he’s right. Maybe I’m just wishing Luke isn’t like everyone else. How long can I hide my body from him? Sooner or later I’ll have to tell him. I’ll have to show him my secret.

  Rachael helps me out a lot. She comes to the bakery early and she stays later than necessary. I’m grateful for her patience and understanding. She knows some things, but she doesn’t know everything. I live each day like I’m okay. But I’m far from being all right. It’s hard being relaxed when you know someone is watching you and you have no idea what they want, or when they’ll make their presence known. Well, that’s not true. I have Lorraine’s son, and she wants him back. That part I’m sure of. My days with little Connor are numbered.

  Chase is working hard to find Lorraine. But so far, he’s found nothing. She has no family or friends. And to most of the world, she’s dead. Chase used to work with her at the law firm in Lake City when she was my son’s legal secretary, but he still can’t find anything on her. Luke hired a private investigator to help in the search, yet I can’t help but worry that she’ll show up here again.

  Connor’s third birthday is coming up in a few weeks, and he wants to have a party. I keep him secluded and safe, but I can’t keep him a hostage his whole life. He needs to live and explore life. Although it’s against my better judgment, I decide to throw him a birthday party.

  “So, for Connor’s birthday, I thought we could have a small cookout here at the bakery.”

  Luke looks up at me with a smile. “Something small with family and a few friends?”

  “That’s right.”

  “Maybe we could have something on the farm?”

  “You want to have Connor’s birthday party on your farm?” This shouldn’t surprise me. Luke has accepted Connor quickly and easily. But Luke’s a man in his fifties who has never had children, so this does come as a pleasant surprise. I love the land and the house that Luke built just down the road from us. He used to call it the property, but now that it’s finished, he calls it the farm.

  “Nothing would make me happier.” He doesn’t stop for me to reply. “I was thinking of having my friend Carter Reynolds bring in some ponies from his farm that we could corral up for a controlled pony ride.”

  I don’t know if I’m more surprised that he has a friend, or that I’ve never met him. “You have a friend?” He looks at me in surprise. “I mean, why have I never met your friend before?”

  “He’s been busy getting his life back on track. He’s divorced and has been trying to find himself.”

  “Life after divorce can be tough. Marriage in a bad relationship is worse.”

  “He had a hard time in the beginning, but he’s finally getting back on track. Taking care of himself and getting back into farming.”

  “It’s good he’s finally moving on.” Thinking that the bakery is an open area, I think I like the idea of having the party on Luke’s farm. It’s gated and a bit more secluded than the bakery. I’ll feel safer having it there.

  Later that night after our family movie night, Luke and I put little Connor to bed. Luke sometimes will sleep on the couch while I sleep in the bed. We haven’t been intimate, and I think this is easier for Luke. Sometimes we’ll fall asleep on the couch together, and sometimes he’ll lie in bed with me until I fall asleep. I’m in bed when he walks out of the bathroom in a tee-shirt and a pair of grey plaid sleep pants.

  When he lies on top of the covers, I scoot over to his waiting arms. Inhaling his unique scent of sandalwood and spice, I hold onto him a little tighter. He’s my safe zone. Luke’s become a lot to me and to Connor. He does so much and asks for nothing in return. I know he deserves someone who can open up to him. I know he deserves a woman who can love him in ways that I can’t. In ways that maybe I can never love him. I’m damaged goods and I know it. I knew it all along. Maybe I was fooling myself into thinking I could do this relationship. It’s just a matter of time before Luke wants more. More than I can give him. We’re adults. I should be able to tell him my fears. Show him what’s holding me back. But I can’t. I can never reveal what I’m hiding. As mature as he is, I know he won’t be able to deal with it. I shouldn’t expect him to. It’s been years, and I can barely deal with this myself.

  He leans over and kisses me intimately. His kisses are always soft and tender. Cupping my cheek with one hand, he runs his free hand down the length of my body. I squirm when he gets to my mid-section. I don’t like being touched there. He stops and lowers his forehead until it touches mine.

  “I’m sorry,” I say in a whisper.

  “Whatever it is, I don’t care about. Whatever you’re hiding, it doesn’t matter to me.” I know he believes the words he says. “It’s not about sex. I want to feel every inch of your body. I just want to be with you and show you how much I care for you.”

  “I can’t.” I touch his face softly and kiss his lips. He won’t be okay with what he sees. He won’t be okay with the way I look.

  He kisses my lips and runs his nose along my cheek. “I’ll wait. I’m not going anywhere. Whenever you’re ready, I’ll be here.”

  “Luke, I can’t. I may never be able to give you what you want.”

  He backs away from me so he can see me better. “What is it. Stretch marks? I don’t care about those. You’ve given birth, it’s expected.”

  I wish it were stretch marks. “No, it’s worse than that.”

  “Nichole, whatever it is, it doesn’t matter. All I care about is you and little Connor. Nothing else matters to me.”

  I decide now to tell him. There’s never a good time. If he can’t handle it, it’s best he leaves now, before my feelings deepen for him. Th
is won’t be easy to say and it certainly won’t be easy for him to hear. I sit up straighter in the bed and lower my shirt when it tries to rise up. He also leans against the headboard.

  “I knew eventually, I would have to have this conversation with you. I just wish I didn’t have to have it so soon.” He remains still, never looking away from me. “When I was married, I suffered many injuries.” I force my voice to remain calm. “Some of the injuries you know about.”

  “The multiple stitches?”

  “Those are the minor injuries. The most severe you don’t know about.” I beg the tears to remain at bay.

  “I thought those were the more severe.”

  I wish they were. “The worst of my injuries left scarring. My husband once punished me by throwing scalding water on me.”

  “Oh, Nichole.” He’s a smart man, and he knows the type of injury and scarring I’m talking about. “I had no idea.”

  “I know. I lived through it, although I prayed for death.” I stand from the bed wearing a black long sleeve tee-shirt and a pair of yoga pants. With tears in my eyes I lift my shirt slightly above my waist and say, “I have to wear this pressure garment around my mid-section.” He sits up in the bed and moves to the edge watching me. “It helps with the itching and makes me feel more normal. Because of the burn, and the lack of treatment I received, the scarring is raised, still red, painful, and sensitive.”

  Closing his eyes, he says, “He didn’t get you help?”

  “Ava did the best she could with the supplies they gave her.”

  “Ava?”

  “I was unconscious for the first few days.” Wiping the steady flow of tears, I stop at the memory.

  “Ava cared for your burns?”

  “It was the only care Brett would allow. It was her punishment and mine.”

  “Oh. My. God.” He stands from the bed and kisses me. “I’m sorry. I had no idea.”

  “It’s okay. I’ve accepted it. It’s who I am; it’ll always be a part of me. But the scars are horrific at best.”

  “I don’t care about the scars. They don’t matter to me.”

  “You say that now, but you haven’t seen them.” Tears flow steadily. I take a step back and remove my shirt. Standing in front of him in a bra, yoga pants, and a beige-colored pressure garment. Leaving my bra on, I slowly loosen the Velcro straps holding the pressure garment in place. I watch him as he lowers his eyes to my stomach. Through blurred vision, I let the garment fall to the ground. Exposed and vulnerable, I stand there and watch him as he scans the red, raised scarring that marks my body from just below my breasts to just above my pelvis and on each of my sides. He doesn’t flinch or blink. His facial expression doesn’t change. He slowly walks over to me.

  “They’re called hypertrophic scars. Do they hurt?”

  He backs away slowly and touches my belly, running his finger lightly over the scarring, from one side to the other. His expression never changes. He looks at me just as he did earlier. This isn’t the expression I was expecting. I thought he would look mortified.

  “Sometimes they hurt more than other times.”

  He slowly and gently places his hands on my face, claiming my mouth with his. He kisses me softly and sweetly. “You’re beautiful.” He brushes a strand of my hair away from my face and kisses me again. “Everything about you is perfect.”

  My tears fall and my lip quivers. “What about the scars?”

  “I don’t see them.” He wipes the tears away before kissing me again. “I love you.” Kiss. “All I can see is a beautiful.” Kiss. “Gorgeous.” Kiss. “Flawless woman standing here in front of me.” Kiss. “And I want nothing more than to make passionate love to her.” Kiss.

  “Really?” Is he serious?

  “Have I ever lied to you?”

  Sniffling, I say, “No.”

  “And I never will.” Kiss. “I love you, Nichole Marie Anderson.”

  “God, I love you, Luke Joshua Tanner.”

  And this was the first night of many that Luke and I will share together.

  Luke

  Nothing could have prepared me for the scars that Nichole has been hiding. I knew that no matter what she showed me, I needed to maintain a straight face. I knew I had one chance to not screw this up. The injury that left those scars was worse than I could have ever imagined. How she could have lived through that is beyond me.

  Her scars reminded me of some I saw during combat. Explosions from oil tankers and gasoline bombs. I refocus my attention on the beautiful woman standing in front of me.

  When I look in her stunning crystal blue eyes, I could no longer see the scars. All I saw was a woman I loved. A woman I wanted in my life. A woman I wanted to care for and to take care of. All I saw was a woman I couldn’t live without.

  I cherished her entire body, kissing every inch of her, scars and all. I wanted her to feel loved. I wanted to replace her bad memories with good ones. I wanted her to feel what it was like to be wanted. One night wouldn’t be enough to wash away her nightmares; it would take a lifetime. And I vow to one day make her realize she is beautiful and worthy of all the great things I plan to give to her.

  The next morning before I get up, Nichole is already showered and dressed for the day. This is a normal routine for her. I know she wants her privacy and after last night, I can see this hasn’t changed.

  With the bathroom door still closed, I get up and get myself a coffee before taking Dale outside. Connor comes with us and stands on the balcony watching Dale.

  “When Dale has babies, can I have one?”

  I laugh at his lack of knowledge. “I’m not sure Dale will ever have puppies.”

  “Why not?”

  “Dale doesn’t have a girlfriend.” Seems like a good enough answer to me.

  “Momma’s your girlfriend, is she going to have a baby?”

  I spit my coffee out, thankful it didn’t come out my nose. “No, I don’t think so.”

  “Why not?”

  Because we’re too old to have kids? No, I can’t say that. Because her stomach is scarred and she won’t be able to carry a child? Definitely can’t say that.

  Now standing in the doorway Nichole says, “Because I have a perfect little boy right here. Momma doesn’t need any other kids.”

  I look back at her, thankful that she intervened. She walks out onto the balcony dressed and ready for the day. She smiles when she sees the relief on my face. She looks beautiful and I can’t take my eyes off of hers. She’s wearing a floral sundress and her hair is pulled back into a ponytail. Her hair was shorter when I first met her. I didn’t realize how long it was getting until just now. She looks beautiful. She blushes as if she’s reading my mind.

  “When Dale gets a girlfriend, can I have a puppy?”

  “Let’s get you a bath, then we can talk about it.”

  Connor runs into the house, yelling excitedly about getting a puppy. Dale runs up the stairs barking just as excitedly. I think Dale’s thinking about the time he may get lucky. I open the door for Dale and Nichole as Dale runs in first and nearly trips Nichole. Taking Nichole carefully by her waist, I kiss her. “Good morning.”

  She reciprocates my kiss. “Yes, it is.”

  After Connor’s bath and when Rachael arrives, Nichole walks me outside.

  Luke says, “I’ll be done early tonight. Do you and Connor want to have dinner out tonight?” I know we’ve been hanging out at home a lot.

  “We’d love to.”

  “Good. I love you and I’ll see you soon.” I’m not surprised at how easily that rolls off my tongue. I’ve known I loved Nichole for a while now. I just wasn’t sure when I was going to tell her.

  “I love you, too. Do you want to take Dale with you today?”

  “I don’t think he’ll come.” I look up the stairs leading to the apartment. “C’mon, Dale. Let’s go.”

  He barks from inside the apartment but doesn’t come to the door. “It??
?s better for him to stay here to watch over Connor anyway.” I kiss her again. “I’ll be home later.”

  “Okay, sounds good.”

  While walking from the bakery to the farm, I constantly scan the area for a black Jeep. Why would Lorraine let herself be seen, and then disappear? It makes no sense. I was expecting her to reach out to Nichole by now. To tell Nichole what she wants. To send a letter from an attorney for visitation or custody. Something. Anything. But she’s done nothing.

  I try to work on the farm, but my mind races with thoughts of last night. The intimate moments I shared with Nichole. The way she smelled and tasted, and the sounds she made. I memorized how her body looks in the moonlight. The curve of her breasts. Her scars. The shiny, leathery feel of her scars. The smooth and flawless skin of her legs. I think about how much I want to protect her and keep her safe. I also think of how much I wish I could have protected my mother and my sister. The nightmares still haunt me. I think about the call I received from my father about my mother’s death and the injuries my sister received.

  When I can’t concentrate on work any longer, I shower at the house and walk over to the bakery when I’m done.

  Later that night and when Connor’s in bed, Nichole and I sit outside on the balcony. It’s a cool night, and the moon is bright.

  Holding her hand, I absentmindedly caress her knuckles. “There’s something I want to share with you about my family,” I say slowly. She watches me carefully. “My parents divorced just after I joined the military.”

  She moves in her seat to give me her undivided attention.

  “I was in the service when my mother remarried a man I barely knew. I tried, but I couldn’t make it back in time for the wedding. Looking back now, everything happened so fast. The few times that I did meet him, I didn’t like him. Something about him was off. He was demanding and expected my mother to wait on him. He seemed to be controlling. It’s so much clearer now. She wasn’t the strong and vibrant woman I knew her to be. She was different, almost shy, intimidated, or frightened.”

  Sitting quietly, she offers her soft touch as support.

  “Ten years ago I was deployed to the Middle East when I got the call that my mother and sister were in an accident.” My mind races as I try to put the pieces together. Things I’ve tried to forget, I’m now struggling to remember. “When I arrived stateside, I was met at the hospital by my father. He looked twenty years older than the last time I saw him, just six months earlier.” I take a breath trying to find the courage to go on. “My mother was stabbed to death by her husband.”

  “Oh. My. God.”

  I can hear the sadness in her broken voice.

  “My sister was there. She tried to help my mother. The son-of-a-bitch cut my sister, causing permanent paralysis from her waist down. She fell to the ground unable to move. It was only when he thought she was dead that he left them both for dead.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  Looking up at her, I can see the tears streaming down her face. Nichole, who has suffered horrific injuries, cries for my mother and sister.

  “I thought you needed to know the story before meeting her.”

  “I had no idea.”

  “I know. I don’t talk about it.”

  “I understand.”

  “I suffer from guilt over not being there to protect them. I feel guilty for…”

  “You shouldn’t. None of what happened was your fault. You had no way of knowing what was going on or what was going to happen to either of them.” She stands and climbs onto my lap, wrapping her arms around my neck. She kisses me tenderly and sweetly.

  “Thank you, but I do. I probably always will.”

  “How is your sister?”

  “Adjusting to her new reality.” I pause before saying, “I think she’s adjusting better than any of us.”

  “She doesn’t blame you for what happened, and you shouldn’t blame yourself either.”

  “Thank you. There’s something else you need to know about me.”

  She widens her eyes. “Okay.”

  “I suffer from P.T.S.D.”

  “From what happened to your mother and sister?”

  “No. I’m broken more than you know.”

  “I don’t think you’re broken at all.”

  “It’s from my time I’ve spent in the military.”

  “From the attack on Drew and his comrades?”

  “You know about that?” I’m trying to remember did I ever talk to her about Drew.

  “Well, you know Skylar…”

  I laugh a genuine laugh. “Say no more. But yes, that is when I knew I needed to retire. After that attack, I knew I wouldn’t survive another tour of duty. I had rage for the enemy. It was personal. They were killing my friends, my comrades, and I wanted them dead. All of them.” I blink at the memory. “I wanted to stand over the enemy and watch them struggle to take their last breath. I wanted to be the reason they died.” I know I sound like a monster. I look at her to see if she’s frightened of me. She isn’t. “I suffer from night terrors and P.T.S.D, and this is something I feel you need to be aware of.”

  She interlocks our fingers. “I’ve never known you to have nightmares.”

  “I don’t have them when I’m with you.”

  “Good, I don’t have them with you either.”

  “Is it possible that we can fix each other?”

  “I don’t know, but I’m willing to try.”

  Nichole

  The last few days, Luke and I have made great progress with ourselves and our relationship. I love the way he accepted me lovingly, even after seeing my scars. I’m sure they bother him, but I can’t tell. I look for a reaction in his face whenever he sees me, especially the times when he doesn’t know I’m watching, and so far, I haven’t seen anything that says he’s anything but accepting. He looks at me with love and appreciation. But how? My skin is scarred. It’s ugly. Yet he doesn’t care what it looks like.

  I wish my parents were alive. I wish they could meet little Connor and Luke. My parents would love them. Mom would be thrilled to be a great-grandma. She loved children. She was the most amazing mom in the world. I try daily to be the mom that she was. Dad and she would also love Luke. What isn’t there to love? He’s everything my dad was. God, how I miss them.

  I had no idea the things that Luke’s kept to himself. The feelings he’s kept hidden. I hope I’m helping him. I hope I can let him know that he’s not responsible for anything. My heart hurts at what he’s been through. What his sister has been through. What his family has been through.

  “Are you guys ready to go?” Luke calls from the other room.

  “Almost. Just give me one more minute.”

  I decide on a red sweater and a pair of jeans. It’s just dinner with Luke and Connor. Since I saw Lorraine at the beach, Connor and I have spent a lot of time at home. Especially in the beginning. But as time goes on and there have been no sightings of her and no word on her, I feel safer when leaving the house.

  Knocking on the bedroom door, he opens it slowly. “You look stunning,” he says.

  “You always say that.”

  “It must be true.”

  He’s wearing jeans, boots, and a red and white button-up shirt.

  “You look pretty sharp yourself.”

  “Thank you.” He looks over his shoulder and says, “Are you ready, Connor?”

  “Yep. C’mon, Dale,” he says.

  “Oh, no, buddy. Dale can’t come on this trip.”

  “Dale always comes.”

  Luke kneels down to make eye contact with Connor. “He does. But he needs to stay here and watch over the bakery while we’re gone.”

  “But who will watch him?”

  Luke looks up at me for help.

  “He’s doesn’t need a sitter,” I say.

  “Momma, he’ll be sad if we leave him.”

  I look down at Luke when I’m not sure what to say.


  “Okay, Dale, you can ride in the back of the truck.” Luke stands and picks up Connor to carry him outside. “It’s hard reasoning with a child.”

  “Who are you telling?”

  Since Dale is coming with us, we decide to have dinner down at Tybee Island, since it’s a pet-friendly place. It’s the first time I’ll be there since seeing Lorraine. I have some anxiety, but I try to hide it.

  We have dinner at an outside restaurant when we see Drew and Skylar walking past. When they see us, they come over to our table. After making pleasantries, Luke asks them to join us. They do. Since I’m sitting across from Luke, Skylar sits besides him, and Drew sits beside me at the only empty chair.

  “How did you get the day off?” I ask, looking at Drew.

  “I made him,” Skylar says and Drew laughs. “He works too much. I told him it was me or the bar.”

  Drew spits his beer out and laughs. Luke raises a brow. “That’s not exactly how it went.”

  Skylar smiles at him, revealing perfect white teeth. Her dark hair is now more blonde than I remember. She looks striking. “It isn’t?” she asks in almost a daring tone.

  “Not exactly. But I did agree that I worked too much.”

  “You remember it how you want to, and I’ll remember it the way it really went down.”

  Skylar is a ball of spunk. Everything about her is casual and fun. The blonde hair suits her well. I don’t know her well, but I do like her a lot.

  We all laugh until a woman with short blonde hair walks up to our table. “Luke,” she says, ignoring the rest of us.

  Luke immediately looks uncomfortable. “Monica,” he says curtly.

  I look at Monica, and then I look around the table. Suddenly, I remember who Monica is. She’s the one who said she was pregnant by him but couldn’t or wouldn’t produce proof of a pregnancy. I look around the table before looking up at the tall blonde again. Thank God she doesn’t look pregnant. With the amount of time that’s passed, she would certainly be showing by now. Dale growls beneath the table, and I reach down to pet him to calm him. I also recognize her from the woman he was talking to outside the club the night Rachael and I went out.

  “I’ve missed you.” She’s looking right at Luke as if no one else is at the table. “You should call me sometime so we can catch up,” she says, batting her eyes.

  Sitting across from him and next to Drew and Connor, I remain silent. She certainly is nervy. She has no idea who is sitting with him at the table.

  Before anyone can say anything, Skylar says, “Luke, aren’t you going to introduce us?”

  I try to keep my mouth closed as she drapes one of her arms seductively around his neck and reaches her left hand out for Monica’s. “I don’t know where his manners are,” Skylar says in a accent more southern than she really has. “Hi, I’m Skylar Ann, Luke’s fiancé.” She wiggles her wedding/engagement ring finger at Monica. The sun shines brightly, making the ring sparkle like magic in the light. I’m thankful that Skylar was here to bail Luke out. I’ve never seen Luke at a loss for words until now. I sit up taller, not sure what to expect. Luke looks at Drew and Drew nods his head. I try to hold in my laughter. This should be interesting. Now if only Connor remains silent.

  Monica squares her shoulders. “You are not,” she says confidently. She sounds more confident than she looks.

  “It happened so fast that we can hardly believe it ourselves,” Skylar says, still holding her hand for Monica to see.

  “Luke?” Monica says.

  He smiles, looking at me. “It’s true, Monica. I’m in love.”

  She huffs and storms off. I blush at his confession that he loves me to everyone. I don’t know if they caught on to it, but I did. A woman walks by the table and stares at Drew before smiling at him. Skylar removes her arm from around Luke’s neck and says, “What are you looking at? He’s with me!”

  Everyone at the table laughs but Connor.

  Drew just shakes his head and takes a drink of his beer.

  “Jealous much?” Luke asks Skylar.

  “Yeah, a little. Who are these b—” She looks down at Connor before she continues. “— broads who think this is acceptable? These guys are sitting with their girlfriends and wives and they think their big b—” She looks down at Connor again. “— brown eyes will get their attention?”

  I look at Connor before answering. “Maybe she thought you were with him,” I say, nodding to Luke.

  She laughs, “That was a bit confusing for a few minutes.”

  “Just a bit,” Luke says. “Thanks for taking care of that for me.”

  “No problem. So you’re in love with Nichole, are you?”

  “You heard that?”

  “I don’t miss much. I told you, didn’t I?”

  I’m not sure what she told him, but I listen closely.

  “Yes, Skylar, you did. She’s everything you said, and more.”

  The rest of the day I can’t stop smiling. Luke confessed to everyone that he loves me. He loves me. I still can’t believe it. I have a man who is accepting of me and my grandson. Flaws and all.

  Luke

  When Skylar draped her arm around my neck, I didn’t know what to expect. I started to pull away until I realized what she was doing. Drew didn’t seem surprised or upset. I laughed to myself when I saw the look on Monica’s face. That was priceless.

  As the days go on, I can see changes in Nichole. I didn’t know her before her abuse started, but I think she’s becoming more of the person she was. She’s happier. Although the threat of Lorraine looms, she doesn’t let it stop her from doing things. In the beginning, she was shy and timid, now… she’s different. Free. Happy.

  Sex is incredible with Nichole. She always wears the pressure garment in and out of bed. I know it adds comfort and support, but I think she is still self conscious. Other than the first night with her, I’ve never seen her scars. She showers and dresses when I’m not there or when she thinks I’m still asleep. I don’t sleep. Well, not much anyway. I never fall asleep before her, and I’m up every morning before dawn. I usually just lie in bed to be close to her.

  Dale doesn’t sleep much either. Every time I’m up in the middle of the night, he’s awake.

  While Nichole is showering, I get a text from Chase.

  Chase: I think I found something. Can you meet me at the office?

  Luke: Absolutely. Do you want me to bring Nichole with me?

  Chase: No, not yet. I don’t want to cause alarm until I’m sure.

  Sure? Sure of what?

  Luke: I’ll be there as soon as Rachael gets here.

  Chase: See you soon.

  I usually shower when Nichole is done, but today, I shower in the guest bathroom, better known as Connor’s trains and cars bathroom. I call it that because it’s decorated in trains and cars. I’ve never kept secrets from Nichole before, but if Chase thinks we should wait to say anything, I think I need to wait. I need to at least see what he’s found before deciding what to do. I still can’t help but feel like I’m deceiving her.

  I’m in the bakery with Connor helping Nichole set up when Rachael and her husband, Daniel, walk in. Rachael greets us warmly as she gets right to work. Daniel says “hi” before getting his coffee and taking a seat in the front of the bakery nearest the window. I suspect he knows something, but he doesn’t let on.

  Connor runs over to him excitedly with his muffin and milk. I watch as Daniel picks Connor up and sets him on the chair beside him. He’s genuinely glad to see Connor and vice versa. I’m happy that Nichole has so many amazing people in her life. I knew Drew first; he was an amazing soldier. If Daniel is anything like his son, Drew, I know he’s a good man.

  Shortly after Rachael and Daniel get here, I say my goodbyes and leave. I’ll probably beat Chase to his office, but that’s okay. The longer I spent with Nichole, the more I felt like I was lying to her. For her own good or not, a lie is still a lie. I don’t act
ually know anything, so is it still considered a lie? I also didn’t tell her I was going straight to the farm, so I didn’t actually lie about coming here either. Gah. It’s still being dishonest and that’s not right. Not after what she’s been through.

  When I get to Chase’s office, his car is in the parking lot. Muting my cell phone, I eagerly walk inside.

  “Hey, Luke, I’m in here,” Chase calls from the other room.

  Since I’ve never been here before, I follow the sound of his voice. It’s not a massive building, but I can see that it serves its purpose. The small house has a second floor they must use as a conference room for new clients or for larger cases.

  “Hi, I came over as soon as I could.”

  “I haven’t been here long.” He stands from behind his desk and offers me his hand before removing his suit jacket. “Have a seat, I have something you might be interested in seeing.” He slides an envelope across the table. “The private investigator we hired developed these from the security camera he put out facing the main road from the bakery.”

  I lean up and take the envelope. Opening it, the first thing I see is a picture of a black Jeep. I haven’t seen this Jeep in months. There are several other photos of the people in the Jeep. Their faces are distorted, making it difficult to see. It looks like it’s a man and a woman in the vehicle.

  “Is this the highest resolution we have? I can’t make out who it is.”

  “He’s working on better-quality photos. It looks like it was foggy or possibly raining. But if this is Lorraine in this Jeep, someone’s with her and it looks like it’s a male.”

  With what Lorraine wants with Nichole, would she need an accomplice? My only guess is that she wants her biological son, Connor. Could this be her boyfriend? “What are you thinking?” I finally ask. I have no idea what Lorraine looks like other than a few photos I saw online. I’m not even sure that this could be Lorraine. It’s so hard to tell from the grainy images.

  “I won’t know until I can see better-quality photos. I know this sounds crazy and it’s far fetched as hell, but what if…”

  My mind races with what he’s thinking. Then it dawns on me. Lorraine’s with a male. “Oh. My. God. Don’t say it. Don’t tell me you think the other person is the ex-husband, Brett Emerson.”

  He leans up in his leather desk chair. “I think we need to keep an open mind.”

  “He’s dead. There’s no way in hell that this is Nichole’s ex-husband, Brett.” I can feel the veins bulging in my neck. The rage I felt while in combat is pretty close to how I’m feeling now. I swear, if this bastard is still alive after what he’s done to Nichole and Ava, I’ll rip his heart out with my bare hands.

  “Lorraine was pronounced dead, too. And now look.”

  I think about what he’s saying. “That’s too far fetched for me to even comprehend. Did Brett Emerson have that much power to coerce doctors and medical professionals into lying? They have a chance of losing everything they’ve ever worked for in their life.” What am I saying? Of course he did. He had a dentist and a doctor on his payroll. You know, to care for, but not totally care for Ava and Nichole. I think he hired them to keep them alive but not treat their injuries.

  “Lorraine’s alive, isn’t she?”

  Running my hands through my thick black hair, I try to understand what he’s saying. How could he get two different doctors to go against everything they believe in? The doctors took an oath. Dammit, that means something, doesn’t it? What about the other people? “Then should we question the death of her parents? Is he behind that, too? And what about her adult son, Connor? Is he also alive?”

  He blows out a puff of air. “I don’t know. I don’t know what to believe. All I know for sure is when that bastard was alive, he was dangerous, and my fear is maybe he could be in that elusive Jeep that’s lurking around.”

  I remember the fear in Nichole’s voice as she talked about her marriage. I remember vividly the story of her burns and what Ava was forced to do. Without moving my head, I look at Chase. I know he’s not just afraid for Nichole, but he’s also afraid for his wife and possibly their children.

  “All right. Let’s assume he’s alive until we find out for sure that he isn’t.”

  “Are you going to tell Nichole about this?”

  “How can I keep it from her?”

  “Why don’t you guys come over tonight and we’ll tell them together?”

  “Who’s with Ava now?”

  “Her parents and Skylar are there. Daniel’s there with Rachael and Nichole, right?”

  “You called him?”

  “I did. I just want to take every precaution. Brett’s crazy, and I wouldn’t put it past him to return from the dead. He’s done unimaginable things to…”

  He doesn’t finish his sentence. I understand his pain. “What time should we be there?”

  “How about 7:00 this evening?”

  “Sounds good. We’ll be there.”

  I don’t go to the farm to work, I drive past the bakery and park on the main road outside of the farm, watching the entrance to the bakery. My mind races with the thought that Brett could be alive. Can that even be possible? Someone had to claim the body. Someone had to go to the morgue to identify him. Who’s his next of kin? Nichole, right? They were divorced. Are his parents still alive? Would little Connor be his next of kin? He is his grandson, after all.

  I have too many unanswered questions to make a comprehensible thought. Too many things I don’t have answers for. I need to know. If I have the correct information, then I’ll be able to protect Nichole and little Connor.

  Nichole

  When Daniel and Rachael leave, I lock up and put Connor down for his nap. Only a few minutes pass before I hear a car pull up. Luke isn’t due home for a few more hours, so imagine my surprise when I see his truck outside. He doesn’t have a key to the apartment, so I greet him on the balcony.

  “Trouble on the farm?” I tease.

  “No, I just missed you.”

  My cheeks warm at his comment. How can I blush at his simple words? He makes me feel like a schoolgirl. I will never get tired of this. I watch as he walks up the flight of stairs leading to the balcony. “I’m glad you’re home.”

  Concern covers his face. “Why, did something happen?”

  Because Rachael isn’t here, he probably thinks I’ve been here alone for hours. “No, nothing happened. Rachael and Daniel just left, and I just put Connor down for his nap.”

  He kisses me before holding the door open.

  “Have you had lunch yet? I was just about to make myself a sandwich.”

  “That sounds good. Let me wash up, and I’ll help.”

  He bends down and pets Dale before stepping over him to check on Connor. I watch as he kisses Connor. I remain observant until he closes the bedroom door behind him.

  “You didn’t work long today.”

  “I worked some. Waiting on more fencing to come in.”

  I watch as he walks off before I start cutting the fresh Italian bread to make the sandwiches. He finishes his shower about the same time I finish making our lunch.

  Walking out of the bedroom with damp hair, he asks, “Do you want to eat on the balcony?”

  “I’d love to.”

  He puts everything on the tray and carries it outside.

  We eat mostly in silence, listening to the birds chirping and the sounds of the late afternoon.

  Luke looks at me and says, “We’ve never talked about this before, but does Connor have any other grandparents?”

  “Remember I told you my parents are both deceased.”

  “No, I didn’t forget, but what about Brett’s parents? Are they also dead?”

  “He said his parents were killed in a car accident when he was in high school.”

  “What about Lorraine’s parents?”

  “I do know that Lorraine’s parents have both passed. That’s why I was able to get custody o
f Connor so quickly. No one was there to dispute it.”

  “I’m glad it went quickly for you and him. He was in foster care, wasn’t he?”

  “He was. Just for a few weeks. My home was here, but I was staying in Lake City so I could see him everyday. I didn’t want to be a stranger when it was time for me to bring him home.” I smile at the memory.

  “So when Brett died, who did they notify for his next of kin?”

  “They called me.”

  He watches me surprisingly. “So you had to go down and claim the body?”

  “I went down and identified him, but I didn’t claim his body.” I look away. “I know that sounds bad, but after everything he did to me, l didn’t care what they did with his corpse.”

  “Nichole, that doesn’t sound bad at all. After what he’s done to you, he got what he deserves.”

  “I think so.” This is getting depressing so I try to change the subject. “Did you know that Ava, her mom, and Skylar threw me a baby shower for Connor?”

  “A baby shower?”

  “I know. It was more like a birthday party than a baby shower. They had balloons and a cake that said “Congrats, it’s a boy.”

  “Ava’s a good girl, isn’t she?”

  “She is. She’s so happy now. Chase is amazing to her, and they are such great parents to their twin girls.”

  He stops as if he should say something. “Speaking of Chase, he wants us to stop over this evening around 7:00.”

  “He called you?”

  He acts as if he’s pondering something. “This morning. He wanted me to stop over and look at something.”

  I wonder why he called Luke and not me. My heart races. “What was it?”

  “Some photos but it was really hard to see.”

  “Photos of what?”

  “The private investigator we hired put up some cameras in the bakery parking lot.”

  “The ones facing the street, right?”

  “That’s right.”

  “He must have seen the black Jeep.”

  “He did. But the photos are distorted. The only thing I could make out for sure is that two people are sitting in the Jeep.”

  “Two? If Lorraine is one of them, who’s the other person?” Luke remains silent. I can’t read his mind. I can’t imagine who the second person could be. “Luke, who does Chase think the other person is?” My voice is louder than I intended.

  “Brett. He thinks the other person with Lorraine could be Brett.”

  My heart stops at the sound of his name. “Brett. That’s impossible, he’s dead.”

  “Are you sure?”

  I’m positive. “Yes, I saw him in the cooler at the morgue. He was white and cold. There’s no mistake about it. It was him.” My mind races with this news. I know for a fact that it’s not Brett, but who would Lorraine be with? If she’s here to get Connor, who would be with her? “Do you know for sure it was her you saw in the photo?”

  “No, it was too grainy to make out anyone for sure.”

  “I should assume he’s working on making them clearer?”

  “He is, but there’s no telling how long it will take. I’m hoping they’ll be other photos captured at a later date, maybe when the weather wasn’t so bad.”

  “If I didn’t see Brett with my own eyes, I might believe that he could come back from the dead. But it’s impossible.” I can’t even entertain the thought that that could happen. “Do you have the photos with you?”

  “I don’t. I’ll call Chase, so he knows to have them with him this evening.”

  The rest of the afternoon we spend in the yard with Connor and Dale. I work in the flower bed while Luke plays with Connor. My mind races, wondering who could be in the Jeep and wondering where Lorraine is. It’s been so long since I saw her at the beach. I expected her to show her face by now. I want to believe she’s gone for good, but even I know that isn’t probable. But why hasn’t she come forward? Why hasn’t her attorney contacted us by now? What the hell does she want? Connor. He’s the only thing I have that she would be interested in. When I get goose bumps, I stand and look around the perimeter of the yard. I often feel like I’m being watched, but I never see anyone.

  Luke sees me, and he also looks around.

  “Connor and Dale, get over here,” he says.

  I watch as they do what Luke says. They were still in the yard when he called them, but I guess he thought they were too far away from us.

  “You know, I was thinking about opening up the tree line that separates our properties.” I look to the side of the lot where the row of pine trees are. They serve as a border separating the two lots. The trees aren’t just there for privacy but more as a boundary.

  “I hate to cut down perfectly good trees.”

  “Not all of them, but maybe a half dozen or so. It might be nice to open up our properties.”

  “For easier access?”

  “Exactly.”

  “What are you going to do when we’re no longer seeing each other? Put up a privacy fence?” I smile although he doesn’t find any humor in it.

  “I don’t see that happening.”

  Before going to Ava and Chase’s house, we drop off Connor and Dale with Daniel and Rachael. I hated to ask them, but I didn’t want to risk Connor overhearing our conversation. He’s little and he doesn’t understand. I never told Connor that he was adopted. When he’s older and understands, I’ll tell him everything… well, maybe not everything, but what I think he needs to know.

  Chase greets us at the door. We walk in and I see Ava, Skylar, and Drew standing in the kitchen. Ava looks worried.

  “Hi,” I say warmly.

  Ava walks over and hugs me. “How are you?”

  “I’m fine,” I say honestly. It’s mostly the truth. “Where’s the twins?”

  “In bed. They have a strict routine we try to stick to.”

  Chase wastes no time showing us the distorted photos. “The private investigator is working on getting us better-quality pictures. But this is all we have now.”

  I pick up the small stack of prints. I can feel everyone looking at me. They’ve obviously already seen this.

  “Chase thinks it might be Brett,” Ava says in a shaky voice.

  “It’s not Brett,” I say, shifting through the blurred pictures. I know what she’s thinking. She’s scared for her life that Brett’s alive. “He drowned. I went to the morgue. I saw his lifeless body.”

  “The pictures aren’t clear enough to rule this out.” I can hear her voice cracking. “He’s dangerous. I think we’re being stupid if we don’t at least consider it’s a possibility.”

  “I saw him dead. I was the one who went down and identified his body.” I set the pictures down on the coffee table. Slowly, I move my eyes around the room to look at everyone. Drew is holding Skylar’s hand. Chase is comforting Ava. Her face is red and blotchy. She’s remembering her abuse and the miscarriage caused by Brett. “I don’t know who’s in the Jeep. I do agree it’s two people. But it’s impossible for it to be Brett.” There, I said it.

  Skylar speaks up. “Lorraine was also dead but look who’s back! Just because someone pronounced him dead doesn’t mean…”

  I stand from the chair. “Look, it’s not him, okay?” I wipe my sweaty palms on my jeans.

  “How do you know?” She picks up a photo and looks at it intently. “You can’t be positive that this isn’t him,” Ava says sadly.

  Tears fill my eyes as I see the fear on Ava’s face. I know her fear. I lived her fear. If Brett was alive, she has a right to be afraid. With a shaky voice I say something I swore to secrecy. I can’t let her be afraid for her life or her children’s lives. I need to tell them my secret. Closing my eyes with tears streaming down my cheeks, I say, “I killed him, okay. It was me. I did it. That’s how I know he’s dead and he can never hurt anyone else ever again.”