Finding You

  Giving Noah a look of innocence, I smiled and said, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  “Uh-huh. Sure you don’t,” Noah said as he took my hand and led me to a booth.

  Grayson and Noah talked about everything from sports, to Grayson’s volunteer work at a kick-start program for boys from troubled homes. After a few questions, I quickly found out Grayson grew up very differently from Noah. His mother struggled to make ends meet. In order for Grayson to afford to go to school, he took up working at a strip club. Apparently, stripping paid really well. Really, really well.

  “Are y’all ready to head up to the hospital and see Aunt Lisa?” Grayson asked.

  My heart dropped and I was overcome with anxiety. Peeking over to Noah, he was smiling from ear to ear as he stood. Clearly he was not worried about me meeting his mother, so maybe I shouldn’t be either.

  Lifting my index finger to my mouth, I chewed on my fingernail as I walked toward the exit. Grayson reached over and pulled it from my mouth. “Breathe in, Grace, breathe out. I promise she is going to love you.”

  Worrying my bottom lip, I whispered, “How do you know?”

  Grayson looked over to Noah and smiled as he shook his head. “One look at him and it’s written all over his face.”

  Glancing over to Noah, he was walking slightly ahead of us while texting someone. Most likely his sister to let her know we were on our way.

  “What is?” I asked.

  Grayson looked at me and winked. “Noah is clearly in love with you, Grace. I’ve never seen him so happy.”

  Feeling my face turn hot, I looked back at Noah as a calmness swept through my body. “The feeling is mutual.”

  “And Aunt Lisa is going to see it the moment the two of you walk in to the room. Trust me.”

  I would have been nervous as hell meeting Noah’s mother just under normal circumstances. Meeting her knowing she was dying heightened my nerves. Giving Grayson a weak smile, I nodded slightly and said under my breath, “I hope you’re right.”

  Noah and I walked hand in hand as we approached his mother’s hospital room. My feet felt as if I were walking through thick mud the closer I got. Stopping right before her room, I stood frozen.

  What if I she hated me?

  Oh God, please don’t let her hate me.

  Grayson and Noah stopped and looked at me. Grayson hit Noah on the back and said, “I’ll go in first and say hi. Y’all take your time.”

  Noah continued to look at me as he nodded in acknowledgment to his cousin. “Sounds good,” he said with a smile. Slowly walking up to me, Noah placed his hands on my arms and gave me the most breathtaking smile. I couldn’t help but smile back.

  “Talk to me, Grace.”

  Looking down the hallway, I swallowed hard. “What if I’m not what your mother wants for you?” Looking into Noah’s eyes, I waited to see what he said. “What if she doesn’t like me, Noah?”

  Noah’s eyes lit up with something I’d never seen before. I was instantly calmed, and somehow in that moment I knew no matter what, Noah loved me and I loved him. I was a strong person; I knew I would never let my fears push him away again. I was going to fight for our love.

  I smiled as I leaned up and kissed him gently on the lips. Pulling slightly back, I spoke against his lips, “I love you, Noah.”

  “It’s you and me, Grace.”

  Feeling tears threaten, I nodded my head and said, “You and me.”

  Noah kissed the back of my hand before he slowly pushed the door open. I took in a deep breath as I said a quick prayer.

  Stepping into the room, I quickly looked around. Grayson was sitting next to the bed holding Noah’s mothers hand as Noah’s sister stood behind him leaning against the windowsill. Looking into her eyes, I could see how tired she looked. No, stressed was more like it.

  Glancing to Lisa, our eyes met. They were a beautiful green and they were filled with tears.

  “Mom, how are you feeling?” Noah asked as he dropped my hand and moved toward his mother. Taking a quick look at Grayson, he winked at me and nodded. Giving him a quick nod, I glanced back over to Emily. She pushed off the windowsill and moved toward me with a huge smile on her face. Pulling me into an embrace, she whispered in my ear, “Thank you so much for coming. You’ll never know what this means to my mother and Noah.”

  Pulling back, I smiled and said, “Of course.”

  Emily squeezed my hand slightly and stepped out of the way as Noah motioned for me to walk up next to him.

  My pulse raced as my heartbeat thrashed in my ears. Stopping next to Noah, I looked at the woman who Noah resembled so much. Her beautiful emerald eyes stood out and I could tell at one point she must have had dark hair like Noah’s.

  Noah cleared his throat before he spoke. “Mom, this is Grace Johnson. Grace, this is my mother, Lisa Bennet.”

  Smiling, I dug deep to find my voice. “Hello, Mrs. Bennet. It’s such a pleasure meeting you.”

  And there is where Noah got his amazing smile. From his mother. She smiled so big I couldn’t help but smile bigger myself. “Grace, such a beautiful name. What’s your middle name, sweetheart?”

  Noah ran his thumb quickly over my hand. “Hope. It’s Grace Hope. My mother always told me it was by the grace of God that I was born. That I gave my parents hope.”

  Nodding her head, Lisa smiled. “I prayed my Noah would find a beautiful, strong, independent woman. It seems God answered my prayers. He gave me hope.”

  A single tear rolled down my cheek as I quickly wiped it away.

  Lisa turned and looked at Noah. “May I have a few minutes alone with Grace?”

  Oh shit.

  Pressing my lips together, I dug deep and pulled out something my mother used to always tell me.

  Your strength lies within you. It’s always there, Grace Hope. You just need to use it.

  Turning to Noah, I smiled as I gave him a kiss. “You and me.” Noah’s eyes filled with tears as he nodded. Grayson and Emily walked out of the room as Noah took a few steps backward before turning and walking out the door.

  Slowly taking in a deep breath, I walked over to the chair where Grayson had been sitting. Smiling at Lisa, I sat and waited for her to begin talking.

  Closing her eyes, she began to talk. “I think I remember the moment I realized my son had fallen in love.”

  My eyes stayed on her face as I watched her closely and whispered, “When?”

  “It was his sophomore year of college. He had come home and told me he had finally felt it.”

  Leaning closer, I asked, “Felt what?”

  Lisa opened her eyes and turned to me. “Love. He had run into a beautiful girl with hazel eyes and light-brown hair. Said he knocked her down while walking out a door. The moment he touched her hand to help her up, he felt it.”

  My heart slammed against my chest as I listened to Noah’s mother talk about the first time I’d ever met Noah.

  Smiling, I took myself back to the first time I met Noah. “I felt it too when we touched. I’ll never forget the first time I saw his smile or I heard his voice. I never believed in love at first sight until I saw Noah’s eyes staring into mine.”

  A tear rolled down her cheek as her eyes searched my face. “I don’t know what happened between you both Grace, but I knew my son was unhappy not only because of me, but because he thought he lost you.”

  Looking away, I mumbled, “That was my fault. I . . . I let my own fears push him away.” Closing my eyes, I turned back to Lisa. “Noah came for me and something inside me has changed. I don’t really know how to explain it, but I know it’s so very real. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for him.”

  “Good. Because he’s going to need you, Grace. When he found out my cancer was back and his father left, Noah snapped. He turned to alcohol and prescription drugs to numb the pain.”

  Reaching for Lisa’s hand, I held it gently. “Lisa, Noah doesn’t drink anymore. You don’t have to worry about that.”

>   Closing her eyes, she slowly shook her head. “Grace, some day when you become a mother, you’re going to know things. Things you can’t really explain. A sixth sense maybe?”

  Pulling back, I looked Lisa in the eyes. “Do you think something’s wrong?”

  Her eyes pierced mine. “Yes. I’ve seen him take pills. He says they are for his anxiety, and sometimes he takes them to help him sleep.”

  My mind quickly thought back to the last two days I’d been with Noah. I hadn’t seen him take any pills. “I’ve been with him the last few days, Lisa. I haven’t seen him take any pills.”

  Lisa smiled weakly. “Grace, I know you’re meeting me for the first time and the circumstances are not as neither of us would have wanted. I also know I’m asking a lot of you, but I need you to promise me you won’t give up on him. No matter how hard it might get. Love isn’t always pretty.”

  A shiver raced through my body as I stared at Lisa. It was almost as if she knew something no one else knew.

  Swallowing hard, I whispered, “I promise you, I’ll never give up on him.” Wiping a tear from my face, I repeated my promise. “I’ll never give up on him, or us.”

  Nodding her head, Lisa turned and stared straight up at the ceiling. “I’ve laid here countless hours and tried to picture what my children’s lives would be like once I’ve passed away.” My heart ached for Lisa as I watched her pained expression while she talked about her children’s future.

  “Which one of them would have a child first? Would it be a boy or a girl? What will they do for a living? I worry about Noah. He was always a momma’s boy. So sensitive to everything.” A sob escaped Lisa’s lips as she looked away. Reaching my hand out, I gently gave her hand a squeeze.

  “I’m so sorry, Grace. Here you are meeting me for the first time and I’m behaving in such a way.”

  Your strength lies within you. It’s always there, Grace Hope. You just need to use it.

  “Lisa, I wish like hell we had met under different circumstances. I wish we were all sitting in your beautiful home at your dining room table eating an amazing meal. I’d help you clean up the dishes, and we’d stand in the kitchen and talk about Noah and what he was like as a young boy. Then we’d move to the living room where Emily would pull out old pictures of Noah in middle school. There would be lots of stories being told and Noah would probably get mad at his sister at least two or three times for some silly story she shared.”

  Lisa let out a soft chuckle. I knew the love I felt for Noah was clear in my words to his mother. I could see it in her eyes she knew how much I loved her son. Noah was our instant tie to each other. The common ground between us. I also knew if Lisa wasn’t dying, we would have most likely become very close.

  “I love him. I’ll love him forever. I promise you.”

  Nodding her head, Lisa wiped another tear away. “Thank you, Grace. Thank you.”

  “Thank you for raising such an amazing man.”

  Lisa’s eyes sparkled as she nodded her head in agreement. There was a light knock on the door as I said, “Come in.”

  Noah and Emily walked in with Grayson following behind them. Noah glanced between his mother and me. I could tell he was nervous, unsure of what was said. “Everything okay in here?”

  Letting out a soft laugh, Lisa held her hand out for Noah. “I wanted to get to know Grace a little better, and it’s hard with everyone standing around listening to us talk.”

  Noah’s eyes drifted over to me. They were filled with uncertainty as he looked back at his mother and to me again. Smiling, I attempted to seem normal, but my mind was all over the place. Why did Lisa think Noah was taking pills? Was Noah taking pills? Would he lose it when his mother died? What if I was in College Station and he was here . . . alone?

  Trying to push my fears away, I stood and stepped away from Lisa’s bed as she visited with her children and her nephew. Feeling my phone go off in my pocket, I excused myself and headed out to the small waiting room by the elevators.

  Closing my eyes, I leaned against the wall as I pulled my phone out and read the text. It was a message from Alex asking how everything was going.

  Slipping the phone back into my pocket, I fought to hold my tears back. Just when it felt like I had gotten Noah back, a nagging feeling told me I was going to be in for one hell of a fight to keep him.

  Noah

  My eyes never left Grace as she walked out of my mother’s room. What had they talked about? Was it good? Surely my mother liked Grace. Emily had told me to settle down as I paced back and forth the entire time Grace was alone with my mother.

  Not knowing where Grace had gone off to, I excused myself and went to find her.

  Seeing a nurse walking toward me, I smiled as I asked, “Excuse me, ma’am. Have you seen the girl I came in with earlier?”

  Giving me a polite smile in return, she nodded and said, “She headed toward the elevators.”

  Feeling my heart drop, I thanked the nurse and quickly made my way to the elevators.

  Shit. What did my mother say that would make Grace leave?

  As I rounded the corner, I searched frantically for Grace. Pushing the button for down, I pulled my phone out and sent Grace a text.

  Me: Hey. Is everything okay? You disappeared on me.

  Staring at my phone, I jumped when the elevator doors opened and Grace spoke.

  “Hey, I’m sorry I disappeared like that.”

  My eyes met hers as I searched them to see if she was okay. “Grace, whatever my mother said to upset you, I’m so sorry.”

  Grace pulled her head back in confusion as she narrowed her eyebrows at me. “Your mother didn’t say anything to upset me. I got a text from Alex, and I needed some air to think.”

  “To think?” I asked.

  Grace stepped off the elevator as I took a step back. It didn’t take long for her to give me that smile that melted my insides. “Yes, to think.”

  Grace’s smile faded as she looked intently in my eyes. “Noah, I’m not really sure how to ask this, but, I have to ask.”

  Not knowing where Grace was going with this, I swallowed hard and motioned for her to sit in the chair. Grace sat and chewed on her bottom lip.

  “Grace, you’re kind of freaking me out here. What’s going through your head?”

  Grace took my hands in hers and kissed the back of each one. “Nothing is wrong, I’m sorry I worried you. It’s just, after talking to your mother, I got to thinking. Noah, how long have the doctors given your mother to live?”

  Feeling tears threaten to build, I closed my eyes and counted to ten. Opening my eyes, I said, “About a month. Maybe two.”

  Grace slowly nodded her head. “Why isn’t your mom at home?”

  Standing quickly, I walked away from Grace. Did she really honestly think I wanted to see my mother die in a fucking hospital and not in her own home where she wanted to be? I could feel her following me as I made my way to the elevator and hit the button for down. The doors opened as I stepped in and Grace followed.

  Neither one of us said a word as we rode to the first floor. The moment the fresh air hit my face, I sucked in a deep breath.

  “Noah, talk to me, please,” Grace said as she placed her hand on my arm.

  Pushing both hands through my hair, I turned to Grace. “You don’t think my sister and I want our mother home? That we’d rather her die with a bit of peace and in her own home instead of in a small room?”

  Grace took a step back as she shook her head. “I wasn’t trying to . . . I mean . . . I just thought. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

  “Yeah, well you fucking did.”

  The hurt look on Grace’s face pierced my heart like someone driving a knife through it. The moment the words left my mouth, I regretted them. Grace’s eyes turned dark as she stared at me. “When you’re ready to talk without being an asshole, call me. Until then, I’m going to go check in to a hotel.”

  Grace pushed past me as all the air left my lungs and I fought to keep
standing. “Wait, Grace, please. I didn’t mean to say that.”

  Grace stopped walking and slowly turned around. “Listen, I can’t even imagine what you and Emily are going through right now, but that doesn’t give you a free pass to walk all over me or talk to me like that. If I overstepped my place, fine, just tell me.”

  “It’s not that, Grace. I’d give anything to have my mother home. We can’t though. My father is selling the house. He had my mother sign the house over to him before he left. Told her it was paperwork that needed to be signed, and she had no idea what she was doing. If we brought her home and the house sold, we’d just have to put her in hospice and that would for sure kill her before the cancer did.”

  Grace placed her hand over her mouth as she stared at me with a stunned expression. “He’s selling your childhood home? Why would he do that, Noah? Why wouldn’t he at least let your mother . . . let her . . . why wouldn’t he—”

  “Why wouldn’t he let her die there? Because he’s an asshole, Grace. He’s a selfish son-of-a-bitch who doesn’t give a fuck about anyone but himself and the young blonde on his arm.”

  Grace dropped her hand and was about say something when Grayson came running over to us calling out my name.

  “Noah! It’s Aunt Lisa, she’s having trouble breathing. Come quick.”

  Staring at my mother as she slept, I tried to push all the fear away. I ended up spending the night at the hospital while Emily and Grace headed back to the house. I felt like shit for leaving Grace alone, but I couldn’t leave my mother.

  Dropping my head, I rested my forehead on the back of my hands as I listened to my mother’s breathing. It was shallow, but still strong. She had been having problems breathing and twice her heart had stopped. When the doctor told Emily and I hospice needed to be brought in, I felt like I’d lost a small part of my mother. Emily and I had to decide what to do. Risk bringing her home and having to end up moving her to the Christopher House, or just going straight there. Either option sucked. But it would be worse having her home, only to take her away again.