The Plays of Anton Chekhov

  I

  [LVOV.]

  Lvov [coming in and looking at his watch] : After four. The blessing1 should be beginning very soon ... The blessing will take place and they’ll be taken off to be married. Here is the triumph of virtue and truth! He didn’t succeed in robbing Sara, he wore her out and laid her in her coffin, now he’s found another one. He’ll act a part in front of this one too till he has robbed her and having done so put her where poor Sara now lies. The old story of exploitation ...

  [A pause.]

  He’s in his seventh heaven, he’ll live very well to a ripe old age and he’ll die with an untroubled conscience. No, I shall expose you! When I rip that cursed mask from your face and when everyone sees what kind of a bird you are, I’ll see you fly down head first from that seventh heaven into an abyss so deep that even the powers of darkness won’t be able to drag you out! I am an honest man, it is my task to intervene and open the eyes of the blind. I shall fulfil my duty and tomorrow get out of this accursed district! [Sinks into thought.] But what should I do? Explain everything to the Lebedevs — a useless task. Challenge him to a duel? Create a scene? My God, I’m as nervous as a small boy, and I’ve quite lost the faculty of reason. What should I do? Fight a duel?

  II

  [LVOV and KOSYKH.]

  KOSYKH [entering, joyously to Lvov]: Yesterday I declared a little slam in clubs but took a grand slam. Only that Barabanov spoilt everything for me again. We’re playing. I say no trumps. He passes. Two clubs. He passes. I say two diamonds ... three clubs ... and imagine, just imagine: I declare a slam and he doesn’t show his ace. If the wretched creature had shown his ace, I’d have declared a grand slam in no-trumps ...

  LVOV: Forgive me, I don’t play cards and so I can’t share your excitement. Will the blessing be soon?

  KOSYKH: It must be soon. They’ve just brought Zyuzyushka round. She’s bawling her head off, she’s upset about the dowry.

  LVOV: Not about her daughter?

  KOSYKH: The dowry. And it is a problem. He’s getting married, it means he won’t repay the debt. You can’t call in your son-in-law’s promissory notes.

  III

  [The same and BABAKINA.]

  BABAKINA [all dressed up, sweeps across the stage past Lvov and Kosykh; the latter snorts with laughter into his hand; she looks round]: Stupid!

  [KOSYKH touches her waist with a ftnger and laughs loudly.]

  Peasant! [Goes out.]

  KOSYKH [laughing]: The woman’s gone quite off her head. Until she had ideas about being a countess, she was just an ordinary woman, but now you can’t get near her. [Imitating her.] Peasant!

  LVOV [getting worked up]: Listen, tell me frankly: what’s your opinion of Ivanov?

  KOSYKH: He’s no good. He plays like a cobbler. Last year during Lent we had this. We sit down to play — the Count, Borkin, him and me. I’m dealing ...

  LVOV [interrupting]: Is he a good man?

  KOSYKH: Him? He’s a terrible rogue! An old fox who’s seen everything. He and the Count are two of a kind. They sniff out where there’s a weak spot. He got hold of his Jewess, was swindled, and now he’s trying to get into Zyuzyushka’s coffers. I’ll lay a bet, may I be three times cursed, that in a year’s time he’ll have reduced Zyuzyushka to beggary. He’ll do that to Zyuzyushka, and the Count the same to Babakina. They’ll make off with the money and live happily ever after. Doctor, why are you so pale today? You look awful.

  LVOV: It’s nothing, just one of those things. Yesterday I drank too much.

  IV

  [The same, LEBEDEV and SASHA.]

  LEBEDEV [entering with Sasha] : Let’s talk here. [ To Lvov and Kosykh] Out, wild men, into the ballroom to the young ladies. We need to talk privately.

  KOSYKH [going past Sasha, enthusiastically snaps hisfingers]: What a picture! The queen of trumps!

  LEBEDEV: Get out, caveman, get out!

  [LVOV and KOSYKH go out.]

  Sit down, Shurochka, so ... [Sits down and looks round.] Do listen attentively and with proper respect. The thing is this: your mother told me to convey to you what I’m about to say ... Do you understand? I am not going to be speaking for myself, but following your mother’s instructions.

  SASHA: Papa, do be more brief!

  LEBEDEV: Your dowry is fixed at fifteen thousand silver roubles. Yes ... Look, so there are no arguments later! Wait, be quiet! That’s just the blossom, but there’ll be berries too. Your dowry is fixed at fifteen thousand, but taking into account that Nikolay Alekseyevich owes your mother nine thousand, a deduction is being made from your dowry ... Well, but later, apart from that ...

  SASHA: Why are you telling me this?

  LEBEDEV: Your mother told me to!

  SASHA: Leave me in peace! If you had some small respect for me and for yourself, you wouldn’t allow yourself to talk to me in such a way. I don’t need your dowry! I didn’t ask for it and I won’t ask for it!

  LEBEDEV: Why are you attacking me? In Gogol the two rats sniffed around first and then went off, but with all your emancipation you’ve gone into the attack without even a sniff at what I have to say.2

  SASHA: Leave me in peace, don’t insult my ears with your petty calculations.

  LEBEDEV [losing his temper and spitting]:The lot of you will either make me stick a knife into myself or else murder someone! One shouts and screeches day in day out, buzzes and nags, counts the kopecks, while the other, intelligent, a humanist and, devil take it, an emancipated woman, can’t understand her own father! I insult your ears! And before I came here to insult your ears, in there [points to the door] I was being drawn and quartered. She can’t understand! She’s had her head turned and lost her senses ... to hell with you! [Goes to the door and stops.] I don’t like it, I don’t like anything about any of you!

  SASHA: What don’t you like?

  LEBEDEV: Everything! Everything!

  SASHA: What do you mean, everything?

  LESEDEV: Look, I’m going to sit myself down in front of you and tell you. I don’t like anything, and I can’t even bear to look at your marriage! [Comes up near to Sasha and speaks affectionately.] You must forgive me, Shurochka, maybe your marriage is intelligent, honest, sublime, principled, but something there is not quite right, not right! It’s not like other marriages. You are young, fresh, clean as a piece of glass, beautiful, and he is a widower, he’s frayed, he’s worn himself out. And I don’t understand him, God help him. [Kisses his daughter.] Shurochka, forgive me but something is not quite right. Already people are talking a great deal. For some reason that Sara died on him, then somehow for some reason he suddenly wanted to marry you ... [Animatedly] But I’m being an old woman, an old woman. I’ve become as feminine as a crinoline. Don’t listen to me. Don’t listen to anyone, only to yourself.

  SASHA: Papa, I too myself feel that something’s wrong ... Wrong, wrong, wrong. If you knew how low I feel! It’s unbearable! It’s awkward and frightening to admit it. Papa, darling, raise my spirits ... teach me what to do.

  LESEDEV: What do you mean? What?

  SASHA: I’m so frightened, as never before. [Looks round.] I feel that I don’t understand him and that I never will understand him. Over the whole time of our engagement he has never smiled once, he has never once looked me straight in the eye. It’s nothing but complaints, repentance for something or other, hints at some kind of guilt, trembling ... I’m worn out. There are even moments when I think that I ... I don’t love him as strongly as I should. And when he comes over to us or talks to me, I get bored. Papa dear, what does all this mean? I’m frightened!

  LESEDEV: My darling, my only child, listen to your old father. Give him up!

  SASHA [fearfully]: What are you saying, what are you saying?

  LEBEDEV: Really, Shurochka. There’ll be a scandal, the tongues of the whole district will buzz with gossip, but it’s better to go through a scandal, isn’t it, than to destroy yourself for your whole life.

  SASHA: Don’t say it, don’t say it, Papa! I don’t w
ant to listen. One must fight gloomy thoughts. He’s a good, unhappy, misunderstood man; I shall love him and understand him and set him on his feet. I’ll do my duty. I’ve decided!

  LEBEDEV: That’s not duty, it’s psychopathology.

  SASHA: That’s enough. I’ve confessed to you what I wasn’t prepared to admit even to myself. Don’t tell anyone. We’ll forget it.

  LEBEDEV: I don’t understand anything. Either I’ve become dull from old age or all of you have become very clever, but seriously, I’m the only one who doesn’t understand anything.

  V

  [The same and SHABELSKY.]

  SHABELSKY [entering] : To hell with the lot, myself included! It’s disgraceful.

  LEBEDEV: What’s the matter with you?

  SHABELSKY : No, seriously, I’ve absolutely got to involve myself in something abominable and vile — so I disgust not just myself but everyone. And I will. I promise! I’ve already told Borkin to announce my engagement to be married today. [Laughs.] Everyone is vile and I shall be vile.

  LEBEDEV: I’m fed up with you! Listen, Matvey, you’ll talk yourself out to a point when — forgive me for saying it — they’ll take you off to the yellow house.3

  SHABELSKY: And in what way is the yellow house worse than any white or red house? Do me the favour, why not take me there right away. Do me the favour. Every little human being is vile, mean, worthless, without talent, I am loathsome to my own self, I don’t believe a single one of my own words ...

  LEBEDEV : Do you know what, old friend. Stick some wadding in your mouth, light it and breathe over people. Or better still: take your hat and go home. There’s a wedding here, everyone’s having a good time, while you go kra-kra like a raven. Yes, really ...

  [SHABELSKY leans over the piano and sobs.]

  Heavens! ... Matvey! ... Count! ... What’s the matter with you? Matyusha, dear friend ... friend of my heart ... Have I hurt you? Well, forgive me, an old dog ... Forgive an old drunk ... Have some water ...

  SHABELSKY: I don’t need any. [Lifts his head.]

  LEBEDEV: Why are you crying?

  SHABELSKY: It’s nothing, just ...

  LEBEDEV: No, Matyusha, don’t lie ... why? What’s the reason?

  SHABELSKY: Just now I looked at this cello and ... and I remembered the little Jewess ...

  LEBEDEV: What a time you’ve found to remember her! The kingdom of heaven to her, and peace eternal, but it isn’t the moment to remember ...

  SHABELSKY : We used to play duets together ... A wonderful, superior woman!

  [SASHA sobs.]

  LEBEDEV: Now what are you doing? That’s enough! God, both of them are wailing and I ... I ... At least go out of here, the guests will see!

  SHABELSKY: Pasha, when the sun shines even a cemetery is cheerful. When there’s hope even old age is good. But I haven’t a single hope, r., t one!

  LEBEDEV: Yes, things are really quite bad for you ... You have no children, no money, nothing to keep you occupied ... Well, what can you do! [To Sasha] And why are you crying?

  SHABELSKY: Pasha, give me some money. We’ll settle up in the next world. I’ll go to Paris and have a look at my wife’s grave. I’ve given away a lot in my life, I’ve handed out half of what I owned and so I have the right to ask. Besides, I’m asking a friend ...

  LEBEDEV [confused]: Dear chap, I haven’t got a kopeck! However, all right, all right! That is, I don’t promise, but you see ... very well, very well! [Aside] They’ve worn me out!

  VI

  [The same, BABAKINA and then ZINAIDA SAVISHNA.]

  BABAKINA [entering]: Where is my gentleman? Count, how dare you leave me on my own? Oo, you nasty man! [Taps his arm with her fan.J

  SHABELSKY [in disgust]: Leave me in peace! I loathe you!

  BABAKINA [dumbfounded]: What? ... What? ...

  SHABELSKY: Get away!

  BABAKINA [falling into an armchair]: Oh! [Cries.]

  ZINAIDA SAVISHNA [coming in weeping]: Someone’s arrived ... I think it’s the best man. It’s time for the blessing ... [Sobs.]

  SASHA [beseechinglyJ: Mama!

  LEBEDEV: Well now, they’ve all started up! A quartet! Haven’t you had enough of making everything damp? Matvey! ... Marfa Yegorovna! ... In that case I ... I too will start crying ... [Cries.] Heavens above!

  ZINAIDA SAVISHNA:If you don’t need your mother, if you won’t obey ... I’ll do you the kindness and give you my blessing ...

  [Enter IVANOV, wearing a tail-coat and gloves.]

  VII

  [The same and IVANOV.]

  LEBEDEV: It only needed this! What are you doing?

  SASHA: Why have you come?

  IVANOV: I’m sorry, my friends, let me speak with Sasha alone.

  LEBEDEV: It’s breaking the rules to come to the bride’s house before the ceremony! It’s time for you to go to the church!

  IVANOV: Pasha, I ask this favour ...

  [LEBEDEV shrugs his shoulders; goes out with ZINAIDA SAVISHNA, the COUNT and BABAKINA.]

  VIII

  [IVANOV and SASHA.]

  SASHA [sternly]: What do you want?

  IVANOV: I’m choking with rage, but I can speak calmly. Listen. I was dressing just now for the wedding, I looked at myself in the mirror, and on my temples ... were grey hairs. Shura, you mustn’t! While it’s not too late, you must stop this stupid comedy ... You are young, pure, you have your life ahead, while I ...

  SASHA: None of this is new, I’ve heard it now a thousand times and I’ve had enough! Go off to the church, don’t keep people waiting.

  IVANOV: I’ll go home right away, but tell your family that there will be no wedding. Explain to them somehow. It’s time to be sensible. I’ve been playing Hamlet, and you the maiden of high ideals — enough of that.

  SASHA [getting angry]: What kind of tone is that? I’m not listening.

  IVANOV: But I am speaking and I will go on speaking.

  SASHA: Why have you come? Your whining is turning into mockery.

  IVANOV: No, I’m not whining any more. Mockery? Yes, I am mocking. And if I could mock myself a thousand times more forcefully and make the whole world burst out laughing, then I would do it! I looked at myself in the mirror — and it was as if the core of my conscience burst! I laughed at myself and almost went out of my mind from shame. [Laughs.] Melancholy! Noble depression! Unaccountable sorrow! It only remains for me to write poetry. To whine, to be sorry for myself, to bore people, to realize that my vital energy is gone for ever, that I’ve rusted up, had my day ... that I’ve lost my will and got mired up to my ears in this vile melancholy - to realize this when the sun is shining brightly, when even the ant carries its load and is content — no, thank you very much. To see that some think you a charlatan, others are sorry for you, others offer a helping hand, and yet others — worst of all — listen to your sighs with reverence, look at you as a second Mohammed and wait for you to reveal a new religion to them at any moment ... No, thank God, I still have pride and a conscience! I was driving here, laughing at myself, and I thought the birds were laughing at me, the trees were laughing ...

  SASHA: This is not rage but madness!

  IVANOV: Do you think that? No, I am not mad. I now see things in their real light, and my thoughts are as pure as your conscience. We love one another, but our marriage is not to be! I myself can rage and be bilious as much as I choose, but I don’t have the right to destroy others! With my whining I poisoned the last year of my wife’s life. While you’ve been engaged to me, you’ve forgotten how to laugh and you’ve aged five years. Your father, for whom everything in life used to be clear and simple, no longer understands people, thanks to my good services. If I go to a gathering, if I pay a visit or go shooting, wherever I go, everywhere I bring boredom, despair, discontent. Stop, don’t interrupt! I’m being cutting and violent, but, forgive me, my rage is choking me and I can’t speak otherwise. I have never lied or abused life before, but in becoming this whiner, I involuntarily abuse life and I rail against fate and complain wi
thout noticing it myself, and anyone hearing me is infected with revulsion from life and starts to abuse it too. And what a tone of voice! As if I’m doing nature a favour by living. To hell with me!

  SASHA: Stop ... From what you said just now it follows that you’ve had enough of whining and it’s time to begin a new life! ... That’s excellent! ...

  IVANOV:I see nothing excellent in it. And what new life is there? I am destroyed irrevocably! It’s time we both understood that. A new life!

  SASHA: Nikolay, pull yourself together! From what point of view are you destroyed? What kind of cynicism is this? No, I don’t want to talk or to listen ... Drive to the church!

  IVANOV : I am destroyed!

  SASHA: Don’t shout like that, the guests will hear!

  IVANOV: If an intelligent, educated and healthy man for no obvious reason starts to sing a song of woe and slides down the slope, nothing will stop that slide and there is no salvation for him! So, where is my salvation? In what does it lie? I can’t drink — wine gives me a headache; I am incapable of writing bad verse, I cannot worship my own spiritual sloth and see something elevated in it. Sloth remains sloth, weakness remains weakness — I have no other names for them. I am destroyed, destroyed — and there can be no question about that! [Looks round.] We might be disturbed. Listen. If you love me, then help me. Give me up this minute, at once! Now ...