The Plays of Anton Chekhov

  BORKIN: And it’s nice to have a bite of fried gudgeon after the vodka. Only you must know how to fry them. You need to clean them, then roll them in dry breadcrumbs and fry them quite hard so they crunch between the teeth ... cr-cr-crunch ...

  SHABELSKY: Yesterday we had an excellent zakuska at Babakina’s — white mushrooms.

  LEBEDEV: Really ...

  SHABELSKY: Only they were prepared in a special way. You know, with onion, bay leaf and all kinds of spices. When they opened the saucepan, the steam from it, the aroma ... just ecstasy!

  LEBEDEV: So? Repetatur, gentlemen!

  [They drink.]

  Our good health ... [Looks at his watch.] I suppose I’ll miss Nikolasha. It’s time for me to go. You say mushrooms were served at Babakina’s, but we haven’t seen any yet at home. Tell me please, why the devil have you started visiting Marfutka?

  SHABELSKY [nodding at Borkin]: He wants to marry me off to her ...

  LEBEDEV: Marry? ... How old are you?

  SHABELSKY: Sixty-two.

  LEBEDEV: The perfect age to get married. And Marfutka is just the partner for you.

  BORKIN: It’s not a question of Marfutka but of Marfutka’s cash.

  LEBEDEV: So that’s what you want — Marfutka’s cash ... Wouldn’t you like all the tea in China too?

  BORKIN: But when our man is married and has his pockets full, then you’ll see some tea. You’ll be licking your lips.

  SHABELSKY: God, he really is talking seriously. This genius is sure that I will listen to him and marry ...

  BORKIN: What? Aren’t you sure now?

  SHABELSKY: You’re out of your mind ... When was I sure? Huh...

  BORKIN: Thanks ... Thanks very much! So does this mean you want to let me down? Now I’ll get married, now I won’t ... the devil himself couldn’t tell which, while I’ve given my word! So you won’t marry?

  SHABELSKY [shaking his shoulders]: He seriously ... An amazing man!

  BORKIN [getting angry]: In that case why stir up an honest woman? She’s gone crazy over the title, she doesn’t sleep, she doesn’t eat ... Is that something to make a joke about? ... Is that honest?

  SHABELSKY [clicking his fingers]: But why in fact don’t I set up the whole filthy business for myself? Why not? To spite everyone! I’ll go and arrange it. My word of honour ... That’ll be fun!

  [Enter LV0V.]

  II

  [The same and LVOV.]

  LEBEDEV : To Aesculapius6 our most humble greetings ... [Gives Lvov his hand and sings] ‘Doctor, doctor, save me, I’m frightened to death of death ...’

  LVOV: Hasn’t Nikolay Alekseyevich come yet?

  LEBEDEV: No, I’ve been waiting for him for over an hour myself.

  [LVOV strides impatiently about the stage.]

  Well, dear chap, how is Anna Petrovna’s health?

  LVOV: Not good.

  LEBEDEV [sighing]: Can one go and pay one’s respects?

  LVOV: No, please don’t go. I think she’s sleeping ...

  [A pause.]

  LEBEDEV: She’s so nice, so sweet ... [Sighs.] On Shurochka’s birthday, when she fainted at our house, I looked at her face and I knew then that the poor thing didn’t have long to live. I don’t understand why she felt unwell then. I ran in and looked, she was lying on the floor, very pale; Nikolasha was by her on his knees, he was pale too; Shurochka was all in tears. After that happened Shurochka and I went about for a week as if we were demented.

  SHABELSKY [to Lvov) : Tell me, esteemed priest of science, what man of learning discovered that in cases of chest illness it is beneficial for ladies to have the frequent visits of a young doctor? It’s a great discovery. A great one! Is it allopathy or homeopathy?

  [LVOV is about to answer but makes a contemptuous gesture with his hand and goes out.]

  What an devastating look.

  LEBEDEV: The devil’s really got hold of your tongue. Why did you offend him?

  SHABELSKY [angrily]: But why does he tell lies? Consumption, no hope, she’ll die ... He’s lying! I can’t tolerate it!

  LEBEDEV: Why do you think he’s lying?

  SHABELSKY [standing up and walking about]: I can’t admit the notion that a living human being suddenly dies for no good reason. Let’s stop this conversation.

  III

  [LEBEDEV, SHABELSKY, BORKIN and KOSYKH.]

  K0YKH [running in out of breath]: Is Nikolay Alekseyevich at home? Good afternoon. [Quickly shakes everyone’s hand.] Is he at home?

  BORKIN: He isn’t here.

  KOSYKH [sitting down andjumping up again]: In that case goodbye. [Drinks a glass of vodka and has a quick bite of food.] I’ll drive on ... Business ... I’m worn out ... I can hardly stand on my legs ...

  LEBEDEV: Where have you blown in from?

  KOSYKH: From Barabanov’s. We played whist7 all night, we’ve only just stopped ... I lost my lot ... That Barabanov plays dreadfully! [Plaintively] Listen: I’m holding hearts the whole time ... [Turns to Borkin, who starts away from him.] He leads with diamonds, I play hearts again, he plays diamonds ... Well, we don’t win a trick. [To Lebedev] We play four clubs, I have in my hand ace, queen and six, in spades ace, ten and three ...

  LEBEDEV [blocking his ears]: Spare us, spare us, for Christ’s sake, spare us!

  KOSYKH [to the Count]: You understand, in clubs ace, queen and six, in spades ace, ten and three ...

  SHABELSKY [pushing him away with his hands]: Go away, I don’t want to listen!

  KOSYKH: And suddenly, disaster: the ace of spades is taken in the first hand ...

  SHABELSKY[grabbing a revolver from the desk]: Go away, I’ll shoot! ...

  KOSYKH [throwing up his hand]: What the hell ... Is there really no one even to talk to? We might as well be living in Australia: no common interests, no solidarity ... Everyone lives separate lives ... But I must go ... it’s time. [Takes his cap.] Time is precious ... [Gives Lebedev his hand.] I pass! ...

  [Laughter.]

  [KOSYKH goes out and in the doorway collides with Avdotya Nazarovna.]

  IV

  [SHABELSKY, LEBEDEV, BORKIN and AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA.]

  AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA [shrieking]: Drat you — knocking me over!

  ALL: Aha-a-a! ... One can’t get away from her! ...

  ADVOTYA NAZAROVNA: There they are, and I’ve been looking all over the house. Good day, my masters, greetings ... [Greets them.]

  LEBEDEV : Why have you come here?

  AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA:On a matter of business, sir. [To the Count] Business concerning you, Your Highness. [Bows.] She asked me to greet you and enquire after your health ... and my little pet asked me to say that if you don’t come by this evening, she will cry her pretty eyes out. The dear girl said, take him aside and whisper privately in his ear. But why privately? Here we’re all among friends. And in this business matter we’re not stealing chickens, we’re acting by law and by love, by mutual consent. For my sins, I never drink, but on such an occasion I will have a drink!

  LEBEDEV: And I’ll have one. [Pours.] And you, my old starling, you’re everlasting. I’ve known you as an old woman for thirty years now ...

  AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA: And I’ve lost count of the years. I’ve buried two husbands and I’d have still gone for a third, but nobody wants to take you without a dowry. There were eight children ... [Takes a glass.] Well, God willing we’ve started something good, God willing we’ll complete it! They will live happily ever after and we will look at them and be glad. We’ll give them our advice and our love ... [Drinks.] This is some vodka!

  SHABELSKY [laughing loudly, to Lebedev]: But you see, what is strangest of all is that they seriously think that I ... Amazing! [Gets up.] Pasha, but why in fact don’t I do the filthy deed myself? To spite everyone ... There, he says, you old dog, eat! How about it, Pasha? Really ...

  LEBEDEV: You’re talking nonsense, Count. You and I, my friend, should be thinking about meeting our maker, the Marfutkas and their cash have left us behind long ago ... Our time has passed.
r />   SHABELSKY: No, I will arrange it. I will, word of honour!

  [Enter IVANOV and LVOV.]

  V

  [The same, IVANOV and LVOV.]

  LVOV: I ask you to find me just five minutes.

  LEBEDEV: Nikolasha! [Goes to meet Ivanov and kisses him.] How are you, old chap? ... I’ve been waiting for you a whole hour.

  AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA [bowing]: Good day, sir.

  IVANOV [bitterly] : Gentlemen, you’ve again set up a drinking shop in my study ... I have asked each and every one of you a thousand times not to do that ... [Goes to the desk.] Look now, you’ve spilt vodka on a paper ... and there are crumbs ... and gherkins ... It’s disgusting!

  LEBEDEV : I’m sorry, Nikolasha, I’m sorry ... Forgive me. I need a word with you, my friend, on something very important ...

  BORKIN: SO dO I.

  LVOV: Nikolay Alekseyevich, can I speak to you?

  IVANOV [pointing atLebedev]:He wants me too. Wait, you next ... [To Lebedev] What do you want?

  LEBEDEV: Gentlemen, I want to speak privately. Please ...

  [THE COUNT goes out with AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA, followed by BORKIN, then LVOV.]

  IVANOV: Pasha, you yourself can drink as much as you like, that is your illness, but I do ask you not to make a drunk of my uncle. He used never to drink in my house. It’s bad for him.

  LEBEDEV [sounding alarmed]: My dear chap, I didn’t know ... I didn’t pay any attention ...

  IVANOV: If that old boy dies, God forbid, it won’t be your loss but mine ... What do you want? ...

  [A pause.]

  LEBEDEV : You see, my dear friend ... I don’t know how to begin so it doesn’t seem so outrageous ... Nikolasha, I’m ashamed, I’m blushing, I’m tongue-tied, but enter into my situation, old chap, and understand that I’m not my own master but just a Negro slave, an old rag ... Forgive me ...

  IVAN0V: What is the problem?

  LEBEDEV: My wife sent me ... Do me a favour, be a friend and pay her the interest. Believe me, she’s driven me crazy, she’s worn me out and made my life hell! For God’s sake, get free of her! ...

  IVANOV : Pasha, you know that at the moment I have no money.

  LEBEDEV: I know, I know, but what am I to do? She won’t wait. If she calls in the promissory note, how will I and Shurochka be able to look you in the face?

  IVANOV: I’m ashamed myself, Pasha, I’d like the earth to swallow me up, but ... but where am I to find it? Tell me, where? One course remains: wait till the autumn when I sell the corn.

  LEBEDEV [shouting]: She won’t wait!

  [A pause.]

  IVANOV : Your situation is delicate and unpleasant, but mine is even worse. [Walks about thinking.] And I can’t come up with anything ... There’s nothing to sell ...

  LEBEDEV: You could go to Milbakh and ask, he owes you sixteen thousand roubles ...

  [IVANOV desperately gestures with his hand.]

  Look, Nikolasha ... I know, you’re going to swear, but think kindly of an old drunk! As a friend ... Look on me as a friend ... You and I were students, liberals ... We have common ideas and common interests ... We were both at Moscow University ... Our alma mater8... [Takes out his wallet.] I’ve got this private nest-egg, not a soul at home knows about it. Take it as a loan ... [Puts the money on the table.] Swallow your pride and look on me as a friend ... I’d take it from you, I promise ...

  [A pause.]

  There it is on the table, one thousand one hundred. Go to her today and give it to her yourself. There you are, Zinaida Savishna, you’ll say, now choke on it! Only, God alive, be careful not to give any hint that you borrowed from me! Otherwise I’ll really get it from old Gooseberry Jam! [Looks closely at Ivanov’s expression.] Well, well, you don’t have to! [Quickly takes the money from the table and hides it in his pocket.] You don’t have to! I was joking ... For Christ’s sake, I’m sorry!

  [A pause.]

  Do you feel sick at heart?

  [IVAN0V gestures with his hand.]

  Yes, things ... [Sighs.] A time has come of sorrow and sadness for you. Man, my dear friend, is like a samovar. It doesn’t always stand on a shelf in the chill but sometimes they put hot coals in it and it goes psh ... psh! This comparison is worthless but you won’t think up a cleverer one ... [Sighs.] Misfortunes harden the soul. I’m not sorry for you. You’ll come out of this trouble, Nikolasha, it’ll all be all right in the end, but I’m offended, old chap, and saddened by people ... Tell me, please do, where this gossip comes from. There is so much gossip about you going round the district that any minute you’ll have a visit from the Deputy Public Prosecutor ... You’re a murderer and a vampire and a thief and an adulterer ...

  IVANOV: That’s all nonsense, now I’ve got a headache.

  LEBEDEV : All because you think a lot.

  IVAN0V: I don’t think at all.

  LEBEDEV: Nikolasha, spit on it all and come and see us. Shurochka loves you, understands you and appreciates you. Nikolasha, she’s an honest, good person. She doesn’t take after either her father or her mother, but it must be after the proverbial knight passing by ... I sometimes look, my friend, and do not believe that such a treasure can belong to me, to this bloated-nosed drunk. Come and visit, talk to her about intelligent things and - relax. She is a loyal, sincere human being.

  [A pause.]

  IVAN0V: Pasha, dear chap, leave me on my own ...

  LEBEDEV: I understand, I understand ... [ Quickly looks at his watch.] I do understand. [Kisses Ivanov.] Goodbye. I still have to go to the consecration of a school. [Goes to the door and stops.] She is clever ... Yesterday Shurochka and I started talking about the gossip. [Laughs.] And she fired off an aphorism: ‘Papa,’ she said, ‘fireflies only shine at night so that the night birds can see them more clearly and eat them, and good people exist so that slander and gossip have something to eat.’ What do you think of that? A genius! A George Sand!9 ...

  IVANOV : Pasha! [Stops him.] What’s the matter with me?

  LEBEDEV: I wanted to ask you that myself but I confess I held back. I don’t know, old friend. On the one hand I thought you were being overwhelmed by various misfortunes, on the other you’re not the kind of man to let that ... Trouble won’t bring you down. It’s something else, Nikolasha, but what - I don’t understand.

  IVANOV: I myself don’t understand. I think, either ... but no!

  [A pause.]

  You see, this is what I wanted to say. I had a workman, Semyon, whom you will remember. Once at threshing time he wanted to show off his strength before the girls, he heaved two sacks of rye up on to his back and overstrained himself. He died soon after. I think I must have overstrained myself too. The Gymnasium,10 university, then running the estate, schools, projects ... My religious beliefs weren’t like everyone else’s, nor was my marriage, I became excited, I took risks, I threw my money right and left, as you yourself know, I’ve been happy and I’ve suffered like no one else in the entire district. All that, Pasha, is my two sacks of rye ... I heaved the load up on to my back and my back broke. At twenty we are all heroes, we take on everything, we can do everything, and at thirty we’re already worn out, we’re good for nothing. How, how do you explain this tendency to exhaustion? But perhaps it’s not that ... Not that at all! ... Go, Pasha, bless you, I’ve been a nuisance to you.

  LEBEDEV [animatedly]: Do you know what? You’ve got depressed by your environment, my friend.

  IVANOV: That’s silly, Pasha, and it’s been said before. On your way!

  LEBEDEV : Indeed it’s silly! I see now myself that it’s silly. I’m going, I’m going! ... [Exit.]

  VI

  [IVANOV, then LVOV.]

  IVANOV [alone]: I am a bad, pathetic and worthless individual. One needs to be pathetic too, worn out and drained by drink, like Pasha, to be still fond of me and to respect me. My God, how I despise myself! I so deeply loathe my voice, my walk, my hands, these clothes, my thoughts. Well, isn’t that funny, isn’t that shocking? Less than a year ago I was healthy and strong, I w
as cheerful, tireless, passionate, I worked with these very hands, I could speak to move even Philistines to tears, I could cry when I saw grief, I became indignant when I encountered evil. I knew inspiration, I knew the charm and poetry of quiet nights when from dusk to dawn you sit at your desk or indulge your mind with dreams. I believed, I looked into the future as into the eyes of my own mother ... And now, my God, I am exhausted, I do not believe, I spend my days and nights in idleness. I can’t control my brain, my hands, my legs. The estate is going to the dogs, the woods are crashing down before the axe. [Weeps.] My land looks at me like an orphan. I have nothing to look forward to, nothing moves me to pity, my soul trembles with fear of tomorrow ... And my story with Sara? I swore eternal love, I prophesied our happiness, I opened before her eyes a future such as she had not seen even in her dreams. She believed me. In the whole five years I have only seen her fade under the weight of her sacrifices, seen her worn out by her struggle with conscience, but, as God can see, not a sideways glance at me, not a word of reproach! ... And what did I do? I stopped loving her ... How? Why? What for? I do not understand. There she is suffering, her days are numbered, and like the worst of cowards I flee from her pale face and sunken chest and pleading eyes ... I’m ashamed, ashamed!

  [A pause.

  A young girl, Sasha, is touched by my misfortunes. She declares her love for me - for someone who is virtually an old man11- and I am intoxicated, I forget everything in the world, I feel a spell like music‘s, and I cry, ‘A new life! Happiness!’ And the next day I believe in that life and that happiness as little as I do in the house goblin12 ... What is the matter with me? Into what abyss am I driving my life? What is wrong with my nerves? It only takes a sick wife to prick my self-esteem, or if a maid fails to please or a gun misfires, then I become rude, foul-tempered and unlike myself ...